Copyright Vs. Copywrong

Naturally, when you are as adept at kicking butt as we Unbelievable types are, people are going to be envious. We have given Unbelievinars® on self-defence for women, using elements of Unbelieva-Fu® combined with Zumba, Salsa and a little Lindy Hop for a well-rounded, complete yet accessible method of ass-kicking. Attendees of these Unbelievinars® have to sign a waiver before taking part in the class to ensure they will not give away any part of what they've learned nor try to profit from it in any way. I mean, we have to protect the public. Unbelieva-Fu® is strong stuff. Even a little knowledge of its secrets can be too much for a regular Joe to handle. 

Michael gives Stevie Nicks a little personal tuition.

But, people are people, and we are well aware of how difficult it can be to keep schtumm about something as awe-inspiring as Unbelieva-Fu®. Some people can barely contain this knowledge. They just have to tell someone.

And as long as it goes no further, as long as it's just an innocent slip, there's usually no problem.

But when somebody tries to make money off of this knowledge, to re-sell our secrets, well then THAT MAKES US SEE RED.

So when this appeared one day...

our blood boiled. All that baloney about Jiu-Jitsu and Judo was just so much hot air. At least 10% of what you see above is Unbelieva-Fu®, pure and simple. (We're not telling which 10%, though - we ain't stupid.) 

We had to try to find this Black Cat person, and quickly. Trouble is, even though we kept scrupulous records of previous attendees of our Unbelievinars®, not one of them answered to the name Black Cat. Obviously a disguise of some sort.

We had some ideas of possible previous pupils, but had no easy time of it in tracking them down. 

Could it be Hotlegs O'Hooligan, the pride of old Peabody, Mass.?

Marianne, the Girl-In-A-Box?

or Helena Handbasket and Polly Gripp, two notorious brawlin' burlesquers?

Come back on Wednesday for further info.

Too much truth in advertising

Not all of the ads in the back of comic books and magazines were rip-offs. One, in particular, delivered EXACTLY what it promised...

Unfortunately, this also resulted in tragic consequences. 

First of all, Charles Atlas is a product of several Unbelievanars and we're actually quite proud of him for taking our lessons and doing something with his life. His muscle building program did in fact turn skinny wimps into slabs of walking, talking beefcake, yielding incredibly fast results. Usually in the time it takes to clean up your apartment after throwing a hissy fit and kicking your furniture all over the place. 

As it turns out, it worked too well. These emaciated namby-pambies got the body of a superstud without the mental and emotional training to be able to handle it. As you can see in the illustrated comic above, which details an actual true story, Mac responds to a verbal insult from a doughy beach jerk by physically assaulting the guy later. That is not an appropriate response. 

Worse, the comic doesn't show what happened immediately after the final panel...

Basically, Mac became far more of a menace to people at the beach than the original nuisance and was eventually hunted down and killed by snipers in police helicopters. 

There was one bright spot, however. Betty and Mac's victim consoled each other that day, started dating, fell in love, got married and eventually had and raised World Series hero Reggie Jackson.

Like We Have Time For TV

A TV legend and one of our favourites recently passed away. Patrick Macnee, famous in the '60s and '70s as John Steed, leader of The Avengers and The New Avengers, died aged 93. He will be sorely missed, not only for his sartorial elegance, his wit, charm and general savoir faire with the opposite sex, but for his incredible array of weaponry and impressive bad-guy-butt-kicking skills.

This leads us to a question that was posed by one of our readers the other day (well, truthfully, it was Kip the Mail Boy) which was: What do The Unbelievables like to watch on TV?

So therefore I shall post my TV choices and the others can post theirs later.

Well, sadly, we don't get an awful lot of time to watch the old gogglebox, but when we do, I tend to go for something funny, y'know, to lighten the mood. Being a crimefighter is not without its stresses and strains, so a little levity can ease the burden a tad. I like stuff like

The IT Crowd,


Father Ted, 


8 Out Of 10 Cats, 



Modern Life Is Goodish  



and Live At the Apollo.




I do like crime drama (natch), my recent fave being DCI Banks.




However, in my estimation, for real enjoyable and relaxing TV, one cannot beat a cracking episode of Tree Fu Tom. 

First you have Tom, a young lad who is able to magically shrink down and enter the forest world of Treetopolis, ruled by the kindly Oprah-like earth mother figure Treetog. Tom's best friend is Twigs, an acorn sprite, voiced by the great David Tennant (yes - Doctor Who number 10), aided and abetted by the sassy rancher-butterfly Ariella, the perpetually scared woodlouse Squirmtum (whose knowledge of caverns is unsurpassed) and the slightly unhinged wacky frog inventor Zigzoo. There's also a kindly old spider named Rickety and villainy in the form of the Mushers, Stink and Puffy. 

Sounds like a kids' show, ya say? Well, it is - or at least, that's what they want you to think. But Tom regularly interrupts the action to lead us through some physical movement exercises, cunningly disguised as magic spells, which are actually variants of Unbelieva-Fu that we taught Tom himself at one of our Unbelievinars™. What a great time we had. Especially when we all went out for burgers and shakes afterwards at Mel's diner in Pigeon Forge, TN. So watching an episode of Tree Fu Tom is like a warm, fuzzy trip back in time for me. Not only that, but Tennant's (Twigs's) throwaway one -liners and casual asides are straight up hilarious. To quote Bruno Mars, "don't believe me? Just watch."

Variations On An Unbelieva-Theme

It's amazing how many of our adventures were ripped off by the magazine "Man's Life" and others of its ilk. Not only did they rip us off, but they ripped each other off, too. Many stories were just recycled versions of stories that had appeared previously, with the names, places and other details changed, in other magazines. Variations on a theme, if you will. Here are a few examples that are particularly common.

The "WAIST DEEP IN WATER" Theme

It was in reality only next door's cat, but the girl's shirt did fall open.

This was when Michael got plastered one day at St. Tropez and did a faceplant into the sand while in the company of a bikini-clad giantess.

Once, we were given a tour of the Aussie Outback (not the restaurant, although that Toowoomba Pasta is delicious) by none other than Steve Irwin (bless him). Give me back my arm, indeed. Crikey!

Topless, exotic, and waist deep. Clark knows how to get a girl out of trouble.

One time we tested each other's knife skills by stabbing piranhas in mid-air. OK, it was only a backyard pool, and the piranhas were rubber, but other than that, the story is pretty much verbatim.

The "NAZI SEX SLAVES" Theme

As far as I recall none of our adventures have ever brought us into contact with Nazis, but the writers have taken extreme liberties with the truth just to sell these rags. We did once bust up an S&M club in the search for illicit Twinkies, but Nazis? No.

More water, and a medieval-looking torture device. Apparently Nazis were heavily into the idea that torturing sexy skimpily-clad maidens was the way to win WW2.

Either that or throwing them off of flagpoles, after torturing them. We did once have an escapade with a pretty girl and a flagpole, but that's another story and again, nothing whatsoever to do with Nazis.

Not Nazis, but Fidel Castro lookalikes, and some sort of voodoo torturing of pretty young women. We once judged a Fidel Castro lookalike contest but that is about as far as it goes.

1. She was running towards us. 2. We were waiting for her.
3. There were no Nazis.

The "Wild Animal/Damsel In Distress" Theme

Never met a Stone Age man who wanted to take my blonde girlfriend away, but if I had, it's a fair bet it'd look something like this.

Pumas don't generally attack people, but there was this one occasion when Marissa needed me to shoo the neighbour's cat off the porch.

The "Dominant Females" Theme

We've made our fair share of women mad before, but they never tried to cut our heads off. This must be based on an Unbelievababes adventure where they were in deep cover in the jungles of French Guiana. 

We should be so lucky.

Then there are the oddball items that, while not specifically based on any of our adventures, at least ring a bell. One loud enough to make us think that someone has been following us. Here are some examples...

One time, Clark asked for a set of muscles for Xmas.

Um... this was in my inbox. Don't ask me why.

Michael once changed his name to "Tim Valour".

We knew young Ellis Parsley before he was Elvis Presley.

Let's see what Michael has to say on Friday... Till then...

Ciao!

It's an Unbelievable life

They say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. In that case, we have been flattered beyond measure over the years. We've had more than our share of Un-wanna-believables. That's understandable. Who can blame those of you who aren't us for envying our super-glamorous, exciting and dangerous lifestyles? What irks us is those who try to pass off our adventures as theirs. We've had more than our share of those over the years, too. One specific perpetrator is the popular magazine "Man's Life". Yeah, right. More like "Clark, Jeff, and/or Michael's Lives, Reprinted Here For Your Entertainment But We're Not Paying Them A Dime" magazine. Even more despicable than them stealing our adventures is the fact that they recycled a relatively small sampling of those adventures over and over again. Check it out...

Okay, this happened. Vampire bats did indeed rip our flesh. And yes, the fighting technique depicted here is how we managed to survive. You can learn how to do that in one of our Unbelievinars, "Using Animals As Weapons Against Other Animals". But this only happened one time.

Look! They re-cycled the whole story, down to the cover illustration and even the headline. This never happened! Weasels are generally not known as aquatic animals. Now, there was a time when some otters got a little aggressive. But that's now what's happening here though. Shoddy.

Oh come on. As if we wouldn't be able to escape from turtles. They're slow!!

Do you see a disturbing trend and a negative stereotype being promoted? If the publishers of "Man's Life" had their way, they'd have you believe that every single time we take our shirts off and wade in waist-deep water (which is admittedly a frequent past-time), that we're swarmed by hostile creatures and have to fight our way out. That only happens about a third of the time, and always when we're rescuing slutty damsels!

Oh well. At least one positive thing in terms of inspiration came out of this...

You're welcome, Frank.

Let's see what Jeff and Michael have to say about this scurrilous rag.

For Your Consideration

Unbelievinars™ are sure popular with everyone! We got so dogged by demands for more and more of them, on such a variety of topics, that we put out a call for more and more guest speakers at our Unbelievamininars™, and got sent a bunch of emails, photos, letters, and videos from people who are eager to share their collective wisdom and talents with a waiting world.

Like Unbelievinar™ graduate Frank Ferrone, who is keen to demonstrate the correct etiquette for hosting a BBQ and fondue party.

"Dear Unbelievables, please consider my one-day intensive course on how to be stone cold munchin' at a high class luncheon and still impress the ladies! Yours, Frank."

The Hotpants Syndicate, with their 'Hotpants 101' Fashion Show and try-before-you-buy...

Louisa Malteser, with "98 Ways With Pasta"...

Denise and Teresa Malteser (and pals), with "Make That 99 Ways"

The Bikini Twins, with "Hot Dogs Are Life, Hot Dogs Are Love"...

La Familia Malteser, with "Spaghetti Weirdness 2.0"...

And Vincent Price, with "Stabbing Meat For Fun And Profit"...

All of those are currently under consideration from the boys and myself. So look out for further notifications of these and other classes popping up in a neighbourhood near you in the not too distant future.

Footnote: We sometimes get sent videos for classes that sound interesting but turn out to be very strange indeed. We got sent this one by a lady calling herself 'Auntie Angel' and claiming to be some sort of 'sexpert'. Well, naturally, we were interested, but when we saw the video below, we were stunned and then horrified. The video purports to be some kind of tutorial about orally pleasuring a man with the use of a grapefruit. We were still interested if a little perplexed, so we manfully pressed on, until the lady whipped out a (ahem) rubber man-part and simulated fellatio on said item. That part was visually fine, but apparently she had just dropped a live squid into a garbage disposal unit right at the same moment. At least, that's what it sounded like...

Oh, and before I show you this, I should add...NSFW!!!
The 2:45 mark is where it gets weird.



One thing is for sure. 'Auntie Angel' will most definitely NOT be teaching any Unbelievamininars™ any time soon.

Unbelievinars: they work!

As mentioned previously, we make ourselves and our expertise available to the public in an effort to improve the overall quality of life for everyone. We do this via our Unbelievinars, an ongoing lecture series covering a wide variety of topics. Like TED talks, only not pointless. We've been doing this for some time now and sometimes we receive testimonials from former students. We recently received this from a graduate (name withheld by request) of one of our most popular classes, "Unbelievaballs: How To Deal With People Stealing Your Stuff, Claiming That It's Their Stuff (course no. UNB12-214)" (note: Our classes deal with very specific topics. This limits class size as well as makes the sessions very short and to-the-point.).

"Dear Unbelievables,
I enjoy going to the beach with my family, but always seemed to get hassled by someone. All the time, there were confrontations with people who thought I was weak and someone they could just walk all over. It was ruining a lifestyle that I truly enjoy. I tried various self-help techniques...

... but they were all basically rip-offs. Then somebody suggested I try Unbelievinars. I was skeptical but reluctantly gave one a try. All I can say is WOW! But that isn't true because I can also say that Unbelievinars have changed my life for the better! I've enclosed a link to a video that shows me actually using your training in a situation that occurred at the beach!
Thank you so much for allwoing me and my family to once again be able to enjoy the beach in peace!"

Here is that video:
Outstanding! Look at all the things he does exactly right:

• He observes them (from a distance) long enough for it to actually be a crime.
• He approaches them in a friendly, non-confrontational manner in order to gain their trust.
• He effectively challenges their laughably stupid attempt at an alibi.
• He gets it all on video.
• Most importantly, he stops recording before administering an "Unbelievabutt-kicking: Inflicting Maximum Damage With Minimum Effort (course no. UNB8-147)" (note: We absolutely do not endorse hitting women under any circumstances, but there are ways to kick butt without physical contact. Take the course, like this guy did, to find out how.)

As instructors, this warms our hearts.

I'm sure Jeff and Michael have other examples of testimonials from satisfied, successful students.

We Are Chameleons

Yes, it's true - we love robots, and we love disguises. Michael once told me he loved disguises so much that he wished he could do it more often. "It's like playing dress-up at preschool - except we're grownups!" he declared. And I guess in a way, that's true. Speaking of preschool, here's the day we accidentally wore matching outfits at preschool and Miss O'Hannigan nearly had a conniption fit. Our mums did laugh when they saw us!

Anyway, our skill in the disguise department rubbed off on our two honorary Unbelievables, The Flight Of The Conchords. They loved the robot outfits above all else.

So it's Bret and Jemaine we have to thank, as they came up with a genius idea - hold an Unbelievinar™ on the art of disguise. We went with it, and who do you think rolled up for the first class? A certain young English musician named David Jones (at least, that's what his name was back in those days). He took our lessons to heart and has since made a career out of re-inventing himself every few years. Here's a little collage of photos of Mr. Jones (or should I say, Bowie) to illustrate my point. Yes folks, believe it or not, these are all pictures of Bowie. And it's all thanks to us.

We also designed and sold our own Disguise Kits, and they were an instant hit. Yes folks, the UnbelievaDisguises™ sold in the thousands. The UnbelievaMasks™ were so lifelike it was scary.

One of them, though, had to be withdrawn as it was scaring little kids, although I fail to see what the problem is.

Anyway, gotta run as we have to go check the prototypes of our Paul Shaffer wigs and David Letterman teeth. See you next time!

Modelled here by G. Busey.

Back to the drawing board.