Parameters

As Clark put it on Wednesday, "This wouldn't be the first time we've ever gotten a case and had to figure out what the parameters were first before we could form a plan and proceed."

How true, how true.

Something in the back of my noggin told me we would need to look further in depth in order to see what this was all about.

I spoke up. "Lads, lads. We're looking at this all wrong. Firstly, how do we know this is from Negative Charge?"

"Because it looks like him." Michael piped up.

"Ah, but does it though?" I replied.

"What are you talking about? His head's a TV!" Clark shot back.

"Exactly." I said.

There was a silence of about ten seconds before Clark said "Hang on... I see!"

"See what?" Michael asked.

"Remember the first time we encountered Negative Charge, Michael? Was that a TV on his head, or...?"

"Well, I'll be hornswoggled," replied Michael. "No, it was a computer monitor!"

"In other words, that there is NOT Negative Charge. I KNEW something smelled fishy," cried Clark. "And I don't mean your workshop-cum-restroom, either, Michael."

"But that's not all, fellows," I added. "Kill Your Television is more than just a statement. It's a song by Ned's Atomic Dustbin from the late '80s."

I quickly pulled up the video on my laptop. 




"Anything in the lyrics that might give us a clue?" asked Michael.

She said, she said
'You don't know s**t,
Because you've never been there'
She turned upon him,

Took him by the hair
Spun him round about,
Laughing as he fell about,
Sat down for a drink

In her father's favourite chair
Kill your television

"Well, I guess we all have favourite chairs, " I said. We all immediately set about taking apart our Soopr-Kumffii Recliners (basically La-Z-Boys on steroids) to see if there was anything suspicious inside them, but apart from finding $3.74, a ball of string and two marbles, they were clean.

"The other thing is, lads..." I started.

"YES??" Michael and Clark replied in unison.

"'Ned's Atomic Dustbin' is an episode of the classic 1950s comedy show "The Goon Show", which was first broadcast in January 1959, starring Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan and Peter Sellers."

"What - the Peter Sellers?!" the boys asked, dumbfounded.

"Yes, The Peter Sellers!"

"Well, I'll be cornpoggled."

"So - hang on - there's three of them - there's three of us -  could it be that -that --"

"... whoever sent this card is calling us Goons?"

"Exactly. And whoever it is wants us to think it's from Negative Charge! Now who is sneaky enough and dumb enough to do a thing like that?!" 

Clark was riled. "I think I know." he said.
Then he stood up and went to the boot cupboard.

"What are you doing? " Michael and I cried in unison.

"Oh, I'm-a puttin' on mah defenestration boots! BWAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

And that is basically how Henri Petit was on the receiving end of another damn good kicking. Honest.