Takin' It To The Streets (Well, The Arcades Anyway)

AMAZING NEWS!!

Hot on the heels of Monday's revelation that we are now being made into a video game, I can now exclusively reveal that plans are afoot to turn us into an ARCADE game! Yes!

Now you can be the envy of your friends by playing this stylish and super cool game. Never mind Frogger, Asteroids and Galaxian! Get lost, Duke Nukem and Metal Gear Solid!

Even The Fonz is jealous.

Yes, all your pals will be lining up to be "AAA" on the leaderboard! They'll want to hold the knobs and play as me or Michael. Some people might even want to be Clark, you never know. Stranger things have happened.

A scene which will become commonplace within weeks.

All the features of the home console version will still be there, and a few surprises too. For example, you can customize Clark's 'Vette, add extra Lobster Rage Fists and score extra points for kicking Henri Petit out of windows. What more could you want from a game?

You think this is a game? Well, it is.

It was inevitable, wasn't it? The only real surprise is that it took this long. But it's happening now. The Unbelievables will be featured in our very own video game!

From StoneComet Games, the makers of the incredibly popular "Misdemeanor Stealing of Cars" series, "The Unbelievables" will be available for all major game systems, including XBox, Playstation, Wii, iPhone, Sega Genesis, Nintendo, Activision, Atari, Odyssey, Playtex, Play-Doh, Playboy and Platypus.

Game play will resemble other popular games of this type, with you assuming the role of an Unbelievable. You can play as me, Jeff or Michael. Or you can go online with your chums and play as all three of us! You'll be going on missions and taking on "bosses" modeled after the real life baddies we have to deal with. Here's a screenshot...

Cutting edge graphics!

 The object of the game is to "level up" and rescue the princesses!

One for each Unbelievable!

There are all kinds of weapons and vehicles and special features.
I don't want to have all the fun. Jeff and Michael will give you some sneak peeks later this week!

Uptown Top Pranking

Sometimes you just have to let off steam, you know? When the pressures of your incredibly difficult and dangerous job get you down, there's nothing better than the damn good belly laugh produced by seeing a good friend have a mishap or two. It's an age-old premise that has kept Bob Saget on our screens for years.

When I pull pranks on Michael and Clark, my chief source of inspiration is the kids' show Prank Patrol Down Under.

Once I convinced Michael to join me in a prank based on this particular episode of PPDU. Clark is a bit sensitive about his trouble with spelling so he likes to try to prove his skill in spelling bees. He's also a big believer in magic and the supernatural, so pranking him is a hoot. Imagine Clark being the patsy in this one, with Michael and I being behind the scenes.








Well, it wasn't quite like that. But it did involve ninjas, spelling bees and a large certificate. Oh, how we laughed.

A friend in pants is a friend in need

Pulling pranks and annoying each other is not only immature and unproductive, it's also wildly entertaining. We love it!

One of my favorites is a reversal on the ol' "Hide The Pants" gag. You know, when somebody has disrobed for whatever reason (helloooo ladies!) and you sneak in and steal their pants, so they have to come out in public half-naked?
Ha ha ha ha!
Well, as may have been mentioned here once or twice or 30 times, Michael hates wearing pants. So what I do is sneak into his bedroom, administer a highly narcotic sedative and then put pants on him. When he wakes up, often as long as 72 hours later, shaking, nauseous and severely dehydrated, he staggers out of his room, trembling. You know, because of the after-effects of the highly narcotic sedative. "G-guys... I think I'm going to need some m-medical assistance here". Then I point at him and say, "I guess we know who wears the pants around here!"
Ha ha ha ha!
Then we take him to the hospital.
Classic!

With Friends Like These ...

Everyone knows we're compadres, sympatico, good friends through and through, inside and outside The Unbelievables.

But ... we're not above and beyond ribbing each other, to the pint of walking that fine line of poking the bear.

Example ...

It's enough to make someone want to pull his hair out. (Whoops! Jeff already did that! It's not my fault! Honest! Clark's, either!)

Those other two have their own tales to tell about getting under each other skin, trust me ...

Letter ... (I only got one)

"Dear Unbelievables,
    I was never much of a fan of either David Bowie or Prince. I liked some of their songs that I would hear on the radio but that was it. But since they've both passed away, I've been exposed more in-depth to them and their talents and now I feel like I've missed out on some really great music. I know you stylish gents have your Lobster Rage Fist fingers on the pulse of popular culture, so please tell me what future great musical artists are coming down the pipe so I don't miss out again!
Sincerely,
Unbelievably Unfulfilled"

Well, there's never going be another David Bowie or Prince. That's why they were who they were; because nobody else could be.
But I hear what you're saying. Fortunately, you have come to the right place to ask this question. Unfortunately, the music industry no longer seems to have much interest in grooming young artists for the purpose of long-term careers whose art develops and evolves over time. Prince had put out four albums before he appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. Now, a top ten single "earns" that honor. And within a couple of years, that same "artist" is lucky to get booked at your nearby mall.

"My rider specifically states that Orange Julius is not allowed to make noise by operating their blenders at top speed when I am on stage, goddamnit!"

Plus, predicting the long-term prospects for performers is an extremely dicey endeavor. There are simply too many random factors (luck, ability, luck, timing, luck, personality, luck, prevailing trends in pop culture, luck, luck and luck) to approach it scientifically. However, we can tell you who not to look out for...

The New Minty Twistryls

Formerly known as "The World's Only Christian Metal Folk Trio plus Four". They might actually be kind of talented but it's just not worth the effort to find out. Plus, who would want to attend a concert where fans of this kind of music might show up?

Wreckidge

Good news: They actually play instruments
Bad news: They're all bassists

Air Ship

"We are... Air Ship"
You mean like a dirigible?
"No man, like a ship from the water that flies up in the sky!"
Like a flying boat?
(Brief huddle) "We are... Flying Boat"

The Bryk Wallz

All right, let's hear your music.
"Umm, can't you just see how cool we are?"
Yes, that's fine. But we want to hear your songs.
"All right. Let us go get our music things out of the van." (sound of a van starting up and driving off)

Flying Boat

Okay. Got it. Thanks.

Don't get us wrong; all of these bands are probably going to be huge stars (at least for a little while). But you shouldn't waste your time trying to find the next David Bowie or Prince among them. Sorry for your (our) loss.

Letters ... We Get (Strange) Letters

What to do ... what to do ...

I'm pretty certain I've mentioned this before ... but just in case:

When the mailbag gets a bit stuffed, we draw straws to determine the "pick" order of what's inside.

Which, when you think about it, doesn't make too much sense. Because the letters we receive are usually inside envelopes. And we don't know what's inside them. On occasion however people send us postcards so we can spy immediately what a fan (or, sometimes, a foe) might be asking of us.

"Still, Michael ... you just get first pick if you draw the long straw. You still don't know what a letter says ..." you might say.

Well, ho-HO! That's where you would be wrong. We pour out all the letters onto the grand Unbelieva-Coffee Table in our sitting room and first scan for those nifty postcards. << BOOM >> Then we open the letters and read them. THEN we draw straws. Long straw first, short straw last. See how that works?

We enjoy this immensely; it's an evening's entertainment, cheap and easy. We don't have to go out. (Or wear pants.) And oh ... the comments that get passed to and fro between us letter to letter!

Anyway, it was I who drew the short straw, i.e. the last pick. These were the "gems" I was forced to bear ...

"Dear Unbelievables:

I noticed the other morning while I was getting cream for my coffee my water filter has met its expiration date. I know this because I date my water filters so I remember when they're installed. In this case, as you can see, I haven't changed this one in a year. (I replace them at the beginning the month when I change them.)

I've seen a lot of news lately about expiration dates, many people (experts?) noting the dates themselves are only "suggestions" and that you really don't have to swear by them. So here's my question: Do I replace it? Or let it ride out a while?

Yours In Anticipation, Perplexed Patty"

Seriously ... I don't know how The Unbelievables came to be known as authorities on water filters or expiration dates, but I decided to give it a whirl anywho ... despite the fact Jeff and Clark were laughing at the note and at the fact I'd gotten it assigned to me.

So ...

"Patty:

Here's what we'd do: Bake a cake, put a single candle on it, hold it in front of you while you open the fridge and sing a rousing chorus of 'Happy Birthday' to that year-old filter. Then? Promptly change it. Unfiltered (or old filtered) water isn't something you want to fool with in this day and age. (All you have to do is read about Flint, Michigan and their water dilemma.)

Good luck, Michael"

And another ...

"UnbelievaGuys:

I've come to trust your authority on all things, no matter what. The advice I've gotten from you has been topic-varied (changing things up is good!) and useful in the extreme. So what's the final word on toilet paper and how it should be installed in the hanger and whether or not to keep the toilet seat lid up or down?

I'm an "under" dude when it comes to the paper and a "lid open so I don't wee on it in the middle of the night" professor.

Talk to me. Your words are gospel.

James"

Haven't we been through the answers on these items time and again? I know we've posted about toilet paper and its proper orientation in the loo previously. *sigh*

"James:

The genius patent holder of toilet paper makes it clear. See original illustration:

And ... if you have any questions about whether or not to leave the lid open, there's a program out there with Mike (Dirty Jobs) Rowe I can't locate that discusses various preventative measures to keep germs at a minimum. In it, Mike subjects himself to all sorts of stuff: A woman sneezes on him and analysts examine the spewage for disease and the like, he probes into the differences in cleanliness of dog slobber vs. human slobber and, more to the point, the "spray area" of an opened toilet when flushed is scrutinized. Trust me ... you will not only be horrified by the results you'll be scared into doing right thing.

Plus, you know ... stop being lazy.

Don't Write Us Again, Please ... Michael"

Yep. Even our off-the-clock activities can be trying sometimes.

Let's see what Clark has in store for Friday ...

Mail Bag: When You're Weary

Hi folks, it's time once again to open up the ol' mail sack and answer a few of our many fan letters. This one comes from Constance Noring of Sunbeam, ID:

Hey guys,

I am always so tired, and I keep drinking those energy drink things like Crimson Goat, Scarlet Tortoise and Vermilion Lemur. I think I might be getting addicted! How do you guys cope with tiredness?

Your friend, Constance

Well, Constance, there are all sorts of ways to give yourself a quick energy boost. Here's a few of our Top Tips!

1. Eat your breakfast. People who eat breakfast every morning report less fatigue and stress than people who skip it. Help yourself to an Unbelieva-Breakfast for when you know it's gonna be a long time till dinnertime.

2. Do a downward dog. Or as we like to call it, "Face Down, Ass Up".

3. Belt out your favorite tune.

 Singing gives you a kind of emotional high while it reduces levels of stress hormones in your body. However, if you're at work and you work with lots of folks, don't be alarmed at this reaction:

Top Tip: Save your jazz scat vocals for the drive home.

4. Have a drink of water. Dehydration can leave you feeling drained and fatigued, so grab a drink of water. Even in the park.

5. Go nuts. Eat a handful of almonds or peanuts, which are high in magnesium and folate (folic acid). These nutrients are essential for energy and cell production. Try taking the shells off first for optimum effect.

6. Cinnamon or mint.

 Some people say that just a whiff can reduce fatigue and make them feel more alert. Pop into Dollar Tree and grab these.

7. Exercise. Duh!


8. Sunshine. Research suggests that just a few minutes of walking outside on a warm, clear day may enhance mood, memory, and the ability to absorb new information. 

They say elephants never forget.

9. Have a bite. Your brain needs fuel to function at its best. And you can't go wrong with this simple sandwich.

 So there we have it, Constance. A few easy tips for a quick pep-you-up whenever needed. Like at stakeouts, or all-night Poker-and-Old-Grand-Dad sessions.

The guys will dip into the mail bag again later in the week!

Grigor Gorgrivich: Now It Can Be Told

Grigor, possibly reflecting on his ways while in the big house ...

Looking back, you have to give it up for world-class henchman Grigor Gorgrivich.

Over his "career", constant employer changes meant the dude had to be adaptable, willing and able to conform to the quirks and kinks of a different bad guy boss on the drop. That meant he had to switch gears often, sometimes weekly. That takes some doing.

Grigor and one of his many employers ...

Henchmen, by nature, are the work horses of the ne'er-do-well set. They're subject to demeaning, menial, sometimes back-breaking (literally) chores doled out by their bosses with little to no credit for their efforts.

And yet, through it all, he was the consummate professional.

Typical henchman stuff ...

As my colleagues Clark and Jeff have noted, it's a rough gig. And, given the many run ins we've had over the years with Grigor, how could we not show up at his farewell shindig? It's not as if something like that comes up often, you know.

So it was with honest, sincere wishes we three attended Grigor's event and celebrated his many and varied accomplishments along with his fellow coadjutants. (Note: The sad thing about the affair? While a majority of his fellow associates were present, not one of his past employer could be troubled to show up. What a bunch of uncaring bastards.)

And now that all is said and done, I'm able to divulge a little secret I've harbored over the years from everyone. Something I'm not ashamed to admit but was better left unsaid at the time. I thought it best to keep it on the downlow, even from my fellow Unbelievables.

Grigor Gorgrivich was a good friend of mine. And we shared a covert association outside our "work" as good guy / bad guy.
 

Jeff and Clark restrain Grigor

during one of his many confrontations with The Unbelievables

It was the aftermath of a rather brutal tussle involving The Unbelievables and a rather large contingent of henchmen, Grigor included. (I don't recall who he was working for at the time - his constant employer-switching leave me unaware who was calling the shots at the time.) The scene was a mess: Subordinates, helpers, aides, lackeys and body guards were piled up in a mound post-ass beating, complete with plenty of scrapes and bruises, the air hanging heavy with the sound of moans and groans. "Another fine job, gents," Clark commented. "Let's let the police handle the mop up details," Jeff offered. As they took off, I stayed back and sidled up to Grigor who was lying on the ground, beaten to a pulp, and I talked with him plainly as he lay prone on the ground:

"You know, Grigor, I like you. Enough to offer you this: This henchman thing? It isn't for everybody, as you can well see. But you? You're good at what you do. And I appreciate that, especially when it comes to your loyalty to your bosses, whoever that may be currently. I just wanted you to know that. See you in three to six months on good behavior."

I guess that little chat struck a cord because not a few weeks later I got a clandestine thank you card from the big galoot, which I'll admit was surprising.

That's when our furtive friendship blossomed outside our respective fields.

"Griggy" and I started getting together for little social events, just he and I. A beer at a quiet pub far outside of town, a bowling night here and there, a refreshing sauna where we chewed the fat and shared a laugh over our respective crafts. We secretly did a 4-day Disney World tour, an Atlantic City weekend and, once, a houseboat fishing trip down in Rosarito not too long ago. Good times, good times.

In the beginning, Griggy wasn't very good with his charms ...

... but with my help he came around.

(Hello, Ladies!)

You can see how this cooperative could lend to raised eyebrows among our respective colleagues, thus the reason our outings were kept closeted.  

A rare snapshot of Grigor and Michael on one of their getaways.

(I'm in disguise, on the right.) 

So it was with a special and personal undertaking I attended Grigor's going away party.

And I'll confess: I had to hold back a tear or two during the bash for Griggy. I knew his "retirement" meant the end of our clandestine ventures.

*sniff*
 

So, What Do You Do When Not Henching?

It's true, most henchmen are a slow-witted bunch. But Grigor Gorgrivich was a real character, dedicated to his craft, and a true gent into the bargain. For it was he that formed the League of Under-Appreciated Minions along with Frank from Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

Sadly missed (the show, not Frank).

As Clark put it on Monday, long-term employment really isn't a viable career option for thugs. So during those downtimes when a suitable evil scientist or demented crime lord could not be found, Grigor tried other forms of employment. For a time, he went into the wrestling business.

To begin with, he was in peak condition.

However, as time wore on and he started making money, the lure of Outback's Cheesy Fries proved to be too great for our Grigor.

He also made forays into the acting world. Got himself an agent and everything!

"Hey Mort, get me a part in a Harold Pinter play!"

He got several film roles, in a variety of genres. 

Horror flicks...

horror again...

and, uh, campy horror.

Then there was his short-lived stint working in martial arts training...

For a time he was a park trail guide...

and hair model.

His retirement bash presented us with the opportunity to ask him what he would do now he wasn't gonna be bothering us anymore. He shyly admitted that he'd recently begun computer dating. Yes, that's right, the 400-lb meathead Grigor Gorgrivich was looking for love. He asked us for tips, since we have no trouble finding female company. (Hello, ladies!!) 

Michael told him that the first step was to make your dating profile picture be really good. It should be professionally shot, well-lit, and reflect your true personality. On hearing this advice, Grigor whipped out his phone to proudly show us his Tinder profile pic. 

Nailed it!

For he's a jolly good henchman

We attended a farewell gathering last week. Legendary henchman/thug/goon/underling/minion Grigor Gorgrivich has finally retired. Sure, we were always on opposite sides of the law but we know these guys and a lengthy career deserves a certain amount of respect and recognition.

Just look at that form!

Over the years, Grigor worked for all the notable bad guys (long-term employment really isn't a viable career option for thugs) and always conducted himself as a professional. Whether he was taking a beating or inadvertently screwing up his boss's plan by somehow being utterly incapable of following simple instructions, we appreciated him and his unintentional assistance.

The party itself was kind of lame. Henchmen by nature are not inclined to be leaders, so nobody ordered any food or beverages. Plus, all henchmen are male...

Also, it was kind of sad seeing what kind of shape Grigor was in after all these years. Having had every bone in his body broken multiple times (often by The Unbelievables), he doesn't get around like he used to. I remember after many a battle. while we sat in the middle of the street waiting for an ambulance to take him to the hospital and then jail, he'd always talked about wanting to spend his golden years sitting peacefully by a pond, fishing. It was something everyone knew about him. He just couldn't stop talking about it. Naturally, this is what his former colleagues bought him as a parting gift.

Always eager to please, never very bright.

I'm sure Jeff and Michael have their own personal memories of this henchiest of henchmen.