The Labeler's Lesson

...he pulled out his deadliest weapon...

"Ha!" I cried. "What's that, a fairy cake?!" 

The Labeler was confused. "Wye dew yew tork cakes at me?"

"To confuse and distract, mostly" I replied, whipping out MY deadliest weapon.

"That's not a labeler, Labeler," I growled.
"THIS... 

...is a labeler!"

"What is those? I am not knowing."

"It's time for you to go back to school, Labeler." said Michael, fiddling with his cellphone.

"What are you two guys up to?" hissed Clark.

"Oh, you'll see," I grinned. 

The door burst open.

"Whot thuh?" said The Labeler, growing ever more perplexed with each passing second.

"Say hello to... The Teacher!" yelled Michael, as in walked THIS lady...

"HA Har haah ha!" gurgled The Labeler. "Hoo is this olde ladie?"

In one swift move she put him in a half-nelson and cuffed him, snarling, "I'm your worst nightmare, buster!"

As he struggled, another woman walked in. The Teacher continued, "and this is my good friend, The Proofreader!"

"Well, boys," said The Teacher, "it looks like we got here just in time. We'll take care of this creep - and his diction, spelling, sentence structure and whatnot - from here on out."

And with that, The Teacher and The Proofreader frogmarched The Labeler out to their minivan. All we could hear as they drove off was his voice yelling "Noe! Stopp! Yew carnt doo this! Noe!"

As we stood in the laundromat, picking Post-It notes off each other and everything else in sight, we watched as Ulf the Unbelievadog and his cohorts rounded up The Labeler's goons and tied them up with nylon washing line by running around them sheepdog-style, whereupon we cuffed them and packed them off to the Stiletto Flats Police Dept.

Clark was still a trifle puzzled. "But where did they come from? How do you know them?"
Michael put him at his ease. "Remember that time I went missing in action?"

"Which time?" Clark and I replied in unison. (There's been so many times, let's face it.)

"Well," Michael sighed. "It started in a library in Granite Falls, WA, moved on to The Barbeque Bucket, and ended on a white sand beach somewhere exotic..." he drifted off, eyes glazing over in reverie.

"Oh. One of those stories..."

"Sometimes, " he said, "it pays to have a couple friends on speed-dial."