Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Bear Vexed - Chapter II

We've had some weird cases, but this one was truly baffling. The first thing we had to do was focus.
"Um, guys? Teddy Bears and other stuffed animals aren't supposed to be alive."
One of us said that and I'm not sure who it was but it was enough to snap all of us out of our enchanted state where it hadn't seemed odd at all that adorable Teddy Bears were carrying weapons and carrying out acts of mayhem, all cute-like. From there, it was relatively easy to figure out a course of action: figure out who had animated the playthings and turned them into plush, huggable zombies, take that person down, end the crime spree.
We then turned to our files and looked at the profiles of our arch enemies. From there, it was just the process of elimination, good old-fashioned detective work.
First up, Winnie the Pooh

CASE FOR: Well, he's a bear. We had a file on him.
CASE AGAINST: He's not real. Come on, guys, focus. We jumped this hurdle, remember? Less than a file, it was a book. "The Complete Tales of Winnie the Pooh" by A.A. Milne, to be exact.
COMMENTS: "How did that get in there?" - Jeff

Next, it was former Chicago Bears head coach Mike Ditka

CASE FOR: The Chicago Bears have been around for about 350 years and have won exactly one Super Bowl, and Ditka was the coach at that time. Clearly, he knows a thing or two about getting the most out of inanimate bears.
CASE AGAINST: Rock-solid alibi: Ditka doesn't coach anymore, choosing to spend his time on one of the countless shows starring a cast of ex-football players yukking it up in the name of "analysis".
COMMENTS: Coach Ditka made us do pushups for wasting his time. I hate pushups. Mostly because Michael insists on stripping down before doing them. "If we're going to exercise, let's do it correctly." - Michael

That was followed by a visit to the nefarious Henri Petit

CASE FOR: The little no-good bastard is always up to something shady. As a baby, he should have stuffed animals laying around...and he didn't! Plus, he was dressed like coach Ditka when we encountered him.
CASE AGAINST: "Oh, what the hell you guys! For at least the hundredth time, I am NOT a baby or a child. Why would I have need of stuffed animals or other toys? And my attire? Well, I'm hosting a Super Bowl party and there's a costume theme. I sent you all invitations, but as usual, no RSVP. Since you're here, why don't you come on in? There's plenty of food." - Henri Petit
COMMENTS: We kicked him out of a window, each of us taking a turn, because it's a terrific way to relieve stress.

Lastly, Jeff's old nemesis, the infamous Honey Boo Boo

CASE FOR: Practically a confession: "Hey y'all! Lookit mah new Teddy Bear! He's alive!" - Honey Boo Boo. "Gyah! That isn't a Teddy Bear!" - Jeff. "Ha ha! Yew talk funny!" - Honey Boo Boo.
CASE AGAINST: Aw, come on. She's just a little kid, you guys.
COMMENTS: We booked her anyway, because we pretty much had to after she said this: "I named my new Teddy 'Teddy With for Sleepin', like I name ALL my Teddys". The mysterious TWS!

It looked like we had things all wrapped up. But nothing could have prepared us for what happened next!


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