Fall Approacheth

"There's a brand new dance
but I don't know its name
That people from bad homes
do again and again ..."

- Fashion, David Bowie

Yes ... that time of year is headed for us quickly.

Labor Day Weekend.

Less than two weeks away, it heralds the all-important call for fashion hints of Fall. Yes, summer is still in full swing, but it doesn't hurt to think about preparing the sweaters and jackets and scarves and other adornments which will usher in the inevitable cooler temperatures. Don't worry though - there are still plenty of sunshiny days left in the year. You have plenty of time.

Of course I can still get away with crocheted shorts for a while longer. No one wears them quite the same way I do. It's not just anyone who can pull them off, you know ...

But we thought we'd put a bug in your ear, a little niggle as a courtesy reminder about fashion change. While the (official) last day to wear white comes knocking at the door, The Unbelievables thought it might be a good idea to toss around a couple "do" and "don't" notations regarding clothing configurations ...  

It's your last chance to don classic summer swimwear. Just do it.

 

And while there's nothing wrong with a "classic" look, remember gentlemen:

Remove those unsightly tags.

As the summer days wane don't forget: No socks with sandals. Period.

Cooler weather means time to store this type of footwear until next year.

No one gets away with this look.

 

Don't even think about it ...

 

Same goes for the ladies. This "trend" failed long ago.

 

You might get away with this in the far climes of Alaska. Or Siberia.

Feel free to express yourself like this after you move there.

Conan tried "jeggings" once and promptly fell on his face, metaphorically speaking.

That lesson has been learned.

Practical for attracting blind porcupines, maybe, but little else.

No reptiles on sweaters. Ever.

We get that you have love for your particular brand of cartoon character.

But you don't have to express it in public.

From the failed Chestburster Collection of 1979

when the film Alien was all the rage.

Yes, The Unbelievables are into recycling.

But we're only willing to go so far ... 

  

Fall is coming. This won't work for Fall.

(Or Winter. Or Spring. Or Summer.

Or morning. Or Sunday brunch. Or ever for that matter.)

Six degrees of The Three Degrees

Oh boy, The Three Degrees. Three beautiful ladies, combining for one super sexy sound. Those were actually very confusing days for The Unbelievables, but very fondly remembered.
For starters, like many musical acts over the years, the roster of TTD was in a near constant state of flux. As a result, there are actually no fewer than 15 women who held the mantle of Degree at one time or another. Of course, your question is was there ever any, um, dalliance between any members of The Unbelievables and The Three Degrees? Ahhhhh yup. Lots and lots of not only dallying but dillying as well, with ALL of The Unbelievables and ALL 15 of The Three Degrees. In addition to the dillying and dallying, there was also a great deal of swapping and sharing going on. There are thousands of possible different combinations of U's and D's and we did them all, most more than once. Before we met, there may have been six degrees of separation between us and The Three Degrees, but before long there were zero degrees of clothing between us. Mind you, the ladies always comported themselves with nothing but class and style. Still, there was many a night at the Unbelieva-base when the traffic pattern in the hallway during the late evening hours looked a lot like this...

Only with people, not cartoon characters

 Yes indeed, we loved those ladies. But we're not alone; Quentin Tarantino paid tribute in his "Kill Bill" opus when the titular Bill declared that "When Will I See You Again" was his favorite soul song of the '70s. I don't know why he felt the need to date-stamp the tune, as it's as great today as it ever was.

Oh, What Webs They Weaved

Ah, yes ... The Three Degrees.

It's come to our attention many of you out there might not know of The Three Degrees. Sad ... but easily correctable. Here's a quick primer which will no doubt jar your memory ...
 









Now, as Jeff mentioned, all three of us contributed to their eventual expertise in crime-fighting. But a major part of their acumen came from their natural talents: Beauty and deception. While you can tell the gals were obvious lookers, this fact was instrumental in sidling up to the bad guys. Cooing up to some guy with an arsenal of weapons, destruction and mayhem will get you far, you know, and that's exactly what The Three Degrees did. Often.

They were good at it. Really good.

But, when the chips were down and their natural charms couldn't sway ne'er-do-wells, that's when they busted out the moves.

Gee Baby I'm Sorry usually got the guys cooled off (or heated up as was sometimes the case). Cuffed, cornered or otherwise in a predicament, When Will I See You Again was the order of the day that brought the softness out in bad guys, opening a door for the girls to surprise them when they let their guard down. (And they usually let their guard down at some point. Men are so predictable.) And Giving Up Giving In? A sort of last resort song crooned in the event things looked grim. It caught baddies unaware every time. What a bunch of lunkheads.

Probably the biggest prop in The Three Degrees formidable bag of tricks, however, was TSOP* (The Sound of Philadelphia). Bust out that tune and criminals thought a dance party had just broken out. Talk about getting caught with your pants down! 

The song's secret? Virtually zero lyrics. Nothing but smooth disco goodness until the very end. I don't care who you are - you can't help but begin toe tapping to TSOP, followed naturally by exaggerated disco dance floor moves. Once caught up in the sound and rhythm, the girls simply stifled their opponents with handy duct tape or scarves or belts.  << BOOM! >> Utter devastation. 

That's when the "Doot doot doo-doo-doo doo, doot doo ... Let's get it on!" (the only lyrics of in the song) came into play. By that time, boondoggled and surprised they were thus fooled, the criminal element could do nothing but hang their heads in shame with the realization they'd been duped, all the while forced to listen to the girls taunt them with "Let's get it on!"

But ... duped by some fine foxy female fortitude.

There's nothing quite like getting the wool pulled over your eyes by women of power.

And The Three Degrees were definitely that. 

*The version of TSOP provided here is the extended 12" version of the song which includes "People all over the world" lyrics. The Three Degrees did not use this particular version when apprehending brigands and hooligans. It has been provided solely for your dining and dancing pleasure. You're welcome.

Three Degrees of Kickin' Butt

Phew! Sorry for the lateness of the hour folks, just flew in from Muskoka, ON where I was a guest judge at the Lake Of Bays Brewing Co.'s Morgan Freeman Impression contest. I like going up there because it's handily close to my buddy Bryan Dearsley's pad, but let me tell you - this year's contest was tough. 

The competition was fierce, with contenders from all over including Charlie Hopkinson,

 Josh Robert Thompson,

 Jake Foushee

and the real Morgan Freeman himself, in one of his old costumes from "The Electric Company". 

Gawd, we loved that show.

Even Bryan stepped up and tried out a few choice Freeman phrases such as 

• "Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'. That's goddamn right."
•  and "Multiply your anger by about a hundred, Kate, that's how much he thinks he loves you." 

Things almost came to blows after a few craft beers were inside the contestants, but it was Charlie that eventually won out. Morgan Freeman himself came second.

Another of the reasons I enjoyed the competition this year was because another guest judge was the lovely and talented Sheila Ferguson, who as you well remember was 'the one in the middle' of The Three Degrees.

The other guest judge (and the one that ruined the party for Morgan Freeman) was that utter tool Ryan Seacrest, so the less said about him, the better.

Anyway, back to Sheila. Sheila has been a friend of the Unbelievables since the early days, when in their spare time, The Three Degrees would come over to the Unbelievabase and jam till dawn, or sometimes just chill in the hot tub drinking gin rickeys and playing Hunt The Cannoli (a very complicated word game involving hot tubs and gin rickeys). There was even one time when all six of us went shopping in downtown Stiletto Flats' most groovy clothing boutique, Flatfoot Jimmy's...

and kitted the girls out in some seriously cool gear.

But it was only a matter of time before the girls decided that they wanted to become Unbelievababes and go fight crime internationally as part of our network of informants, moles, decoys and general butt-kickin' type folks.

We sat with them for many a long hour imparting wisdom, knowledge and tips, training them in the art of Unbelieva-Zen and Unbelieva-Fu, until they were ready to help us thwart crime wherever it may appear.

I'm sure Michael and Clark will tell you more about our Three Degrees adventures later in the week.

Haiku Guerilla Party

 

Haiku. That sedentary form of poetic expression that blankets the writer and reader with a sense of calm. 

Traditionally, its modus operendi is its "cutting" or juxtapositioning of two ideas signaling a moment of separation.

Seriously: Who's got time for that? 

Jeff and Clark have their preferences, I have mine. I mix haiku up with my own Unbelievable brand of "calm" when I explore the form. Ain't no one gonna tell me differently.



Hey! You! You, Haiku!
Do you do the haiku, too?
It's your nature to ...

Ne'er-do-wells hate us.

The public adores us. But ...

We're just well-dressed gents.

Well ... Hello, Ladies!
It so happens I'm walkin'
In your direction. 

Jeff whips his taters,
Clark gets off vrooming his 'Vette,
I rock pantslessness.

I don't always do

The Haiku. But when I do ...

I do it for you.

Nature? Animals?
Earthly calm and composure?
Sleep-inducing 'ku.

You can't always get

What you want. But if you try?

You get what you need.

The calm after rain.
The cleanliness of nature.
Volleyball sans pants!

We, the crimefighters,

We, The Unbelievables,

We're here. You're welcome.

Unbelieva-chillax-a-haiku

Clark told you all on Monday about his way of relaxing - meditation and haiku. Fair enough. I like poetry. But I find the best way to take my mind off the stresses and strains of being part of an amazing triumvirate - that is, being an Unbelievable -

is to combine the meditating and the haiku-writing with some other relaxing pursuits, or even to write about the relaxing pursuits while doing the relaxing pursuits (with me so far? Good.).

So, what do I find relaxing? So glad you asked. Below are some examples of my craft - poems written while engaged in one or more of the relaxing pursuits I mentioned before. (Confused? Don't be. It will all become self-explanatory.)

1 - BOOZE

To be Frank Gifford

So effortlessly stylish

Dry Sack On The Rocks

Charlie Brown's hero

Water, Barley malt, Rice, Hops, Yeast

Taste IS why you'll switch

2 - MASSAGE

Dude, I think you should

Climb on top of my shoulders

Wearing a towel.

Foxy lady on

A big leather couch, listen

While I knead your spine.

Ultrasonic thing

Invented by Japanese

Water massager.

The Vita Master

Lots of rollers go around

And rub my sore back.

3 - COCKTAILS

(Ok, I know that's still technically booze, but I got a load of these.)

Lemon juice, white rum

Passion fruit juice, add crushed ice

Sugar syrup. Drink.

How I miss those days

When your local liquor store

Carried Black & White.

4- LONG HOT BATHS

Oh, to drift away

In glowing pink hot water

A big wet disco.

5 - ANIMALS

More like animals

Is what we should strive to be

They know how to chill

6 - LADIES (HELLO, LADIES!!)

Pretty young woman

With two cases of Molson

Prithee, come hither

7 - ICE CREAM

I'd like to consume

Many bars of delicious

Korean ice cream.

8 - FUNKY FURNITURE

Michael's room is filled

With weird chairs and strange sofas

They're really comfy.

9 - WATER

Splashing around in

A giant fountain is fun

When I'm in London.

Hope you enjoyed my poetic efforts. Let's see how Michael fares on Friday.

Getting our acts together

This is not a great time to be a citizen of the world, is it? It seems like everywhere you look, something terrible is going on. That is an overwhelming prospect and even the greatest crime-fighting organization on the planet (us) can't solve all the problems at once. As a wise man once queried, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." Of course, a better question might be, "Why in the world would you want to eat an elephant?" but that's beside the point. Which is, in order to keep things in perspective, as we do from time to time, we are employing Asian relaxation techniques. Specifically, we are once again practicing the art of Haiku.

The bottom 2/3 of a very good haiku

Participating in this exercise will (hopefully) allow us to find a sense of inner peace and balance necessary to go about our duties on a global scale (if this doesn't work, maybe we'll try meditation). Here goes nothing...

Oh, Henri Petit

I kick you through a window

Foul smoking infant

There are three of us

You outnumber us by ten

Yet, we still kick ass

Combing my chest hair

Relaxing out by the pool

Oh! Hello ladies!

Sleek, red, sexy, hot

I know you love it, but keep

Your hands off my car

I'm starting to feel better already! Let's see what the guys have to offer later this week!