A Hive Of Scum And Villainy 3

So no doubt you were enthralled by Michael's in-depth analysis of the nefarious characters stepping out in style at Comic-Con on Monday.

And surely you were glued to your screen reading the tale of Clark's run-in at the hotel with this guy...

But what will fill you with amazement at the sheer Unbelievable-ness of the whole spooky coincidental situation is the tale I am about to tell of the run-in I had with this guy...

I had checked in to the Super 8 motel in National City, just a few blocks from the San Diego Grand Plaza Terrarium, and almost as posh.

I had been down on the streets all day near the Comic-Con, checking out the hot ladies in cosplay garb. 

Hello, ladies!!

I couldn't get a ticket, in case you were wondering, and I also did not want to be conspicuous by letting Michael know that I was there as he might have thought that there was something up, and I was disguised to make doubly sure I wasn't spotted.

So after a productive afternoon girl-watching, I went and picked up some groceries and headed back to the hotel room in order to pig out like a boss.

Me in disguise.

Imagine my surprise when our turtleneck-wearing moustachioed fat man friend tried to jump me.

Needless to say, it was all over in a matter of seconds.

I immediately changed plans, packed up and shipped out of there post-haste. I left the dude to his fate after alerting the desk clerk and the ever-vigilant San Diego P.D. to the situation. 

I can only imagine the expression on the face of whoever got there first...

A Hive Of Scum And Villainy part 2

It's true, getting away to San Diego once a year to frolic with the Comic Con folks is pretty much his thang. What he doesn't know is that Jeff and I planned to show up and surprise him there this year. That scheme ran into a couple of snags though.
First, I got to town and talked my way into an extra key to his hotel suite at the impossibly posh San Diego Grand Plaza Terrarium. I changed into a perfect and brilliant disguise and went to his room. However, when I got there, I found a would-be assassin lying in wait. Tsk. As Unbelievables, there's never a time when we're truly safe from ne'er do-wells. Anyway, thanks to the top-notch security system at the San Diego Grand Plaza Terrarium, I'm able to show you exactly how I took care of the situation.
If you think that was wacky, just wait until you hear Jeff's story!

A Hive Of Scum And Villainy

Want to know where one of the world's most dangerous pantheons of deviousness resides? Where hundreds of ne'er-do-wells and schemers who wish to put the "bad" in badness meet up?

Beautiful San Diego, California.

In mid-July at the southern tip of the state smack dab in the middle of "America's Finest City" there's a little shindig known as Comic-Con International which showcases a festival of all things geek in nature.

Originally fueled at its core by the once lowly comic book, Comic-Con has morphed over the years into a spectacle welcoming dork interests, nerd attractants and cosplay weirdos for years. And it's really played up to television and film promotion in the last 10 showings, too. Enough hype to fill your wazoo, enough private parties to choke a horse, enough panels and detailed workshops and art shows to please any passerby. Add it all up and you have a 4-day orgy that brings out the heretofore socially stunted contingent of the world's population in unparalleled numbers.

But ...

Comic-Con isn't just for the geeky fan or casual observer. Oh, no.

Underneath it all is a not-so-secret playground for the criminal element, where bad guys glean ideas for new and innovative monkey business to foist on an unsuspecting public. Where they blueprint their next nefarious plan for world domination. Where they can hobnob and rub elbows with other fiends to network their skills and knowledge. Simply for the benefit of their over-sized delusions of grandeur.

Yep. Comic-Con. Bad people's paradise. 

Let me show you some examples, both brilliant and ... well, not so brilliant of their work:

Some wannabee villains think an unsuspecting public will fall for just about anything ...

Ummmmm ... no.

Clearly an aged and underhanded baddie who just doesn't know when to call it quits.
(As evidenced by her "cleverly disguised" motorized wheelchair.)

 Again: No. (*yeesh*)

Talk about "working it."
Even good guys like me are impressed with this kind of dedication.

Hello, Ladies!

 See what I mean about delusions of grandeur?

 As a bad guy wannabee,
if you think you can get away with putting a burger on your back
and using it as some sort of evil bomb or propulsion unit?
You've got quite a way to go in the R&D Department ...

No question which side of the fence this guy is on ... 

Obvious villains.

I again note the dude with the burger on his back a few photos up: 
It's back to the drawing board, folks.

Yes, it's obvious this woman doesn't have anyone's best interests at heart.
But, she's not the concern.
See the dude in the back giving the "thumbs up" at her?
He's a clear candidate for evil.

Now, while this Smokin' Joe may appear to be a badass,
you have to applaud his honesty.

I'm saddened to report fellow Unbelievables Clark and Jeff weren't able to accompany me on this (not so) little reconnaissance venture. But rest assured they'll weigh in just the same. 

Spreading the acronyms

As Jeff pointed out on Monday, a lot of this internet/texting shorthanded jargon originated with us. That IS true, but we did have inspiration... sort of. This is Preston Nygard, the publisher and editor-in-chief of the Stilleto Flats Picayune...

"Make it snappy. I'm a busy man."

...And this is his firstborn son, Skippy "Scoop" Nygard, a reporter for the venerable newspaper his daddy runs.

"Duh... Wha-a-a...?"

When we first began operations and started gaining some notoriety, it became Skippy's primary assignment to report on our exploits, of both the crime-fighting and social varieties. As a result, he's always around. We once asked the senior Mr. Nygard why he assigned Skippy to cover us and he said, "As I'm sure you have already figured out, Skippy is not exactly the most capable individual. But he is my son and I love him. I figure if he's around you and anything ever happens, you're there to protect him." I replied to him, "Are you sure about that? I kind of hate Skippy. I dream about kicking him out of a window some day." Jeff said, "Me too. If it ever came down to saving a super villain or saving Skippy, I'd be conflicted." "Oh yeah", said Michael. "If we're ever running away from a horrible fire, I can't promise I won't trip him." Mr. Nygard smiled and said, "I'll bear that in mind, but the odds are still better than if he tried to get through life on his own".
As you can imagine, having a member of the press constantly underfoot, chronicling our every step, it's no wonder that things we say to each other get picked up and distributed to the general public. But in the case of these acronyms, many of them began as subliminal suggestions resulting from onomatopoetic noises coming from Skippy.
You see, Skippy is a heavy smoker who subsists entirely on a diet of fried grease products. He is a wheezing, gassy little man from whom a constant stream of odd noises and smells emanates. For example, a barely concealed belch sounds like "Rawful", which we subliminally translated to "ROFL" which we then adapted as the far-less-disgusting acronym for "Ready, O'Charley's For Lunch". Here are some other examples:

• "Burrbbbp" (after eating almost anything) = BRB - Bad, Really Bad
• "Buttwah" (trying to cough up yet another chicken bone) = BTW - Bring The Weaponry
• "Bufforfin" (unsuccessful attempt to stifle smoker's cough) = B4N - BBQ For Nine
• "Buffuffuff" (slightly more successful attempt to stifle smoker's cough = BFF - Be Fast, Friend -or- Bring Female Friends
• "Fud" (what he calls anything edible) = FUD - Fish, Undercooked, Diarrhea
• "FuhWeeWee" (his sneezes...weird, eh?) = FWIW - Five Weeks In Woolloomooloo (very, very specific, and a story we will reveal later)
• "I'm a ho" (proudly expounding on his lack of romantic discretion) = IMHO - It May Have Ostriches
• "Eerrrllll" (projectile regurtitation of too much "Fud") = IRL - In Red Lincoln
• "Eye So'" (description of a run-down abandoned building) = ISO - I'm Speeding Over
• "Jjkkk!!" (attempting to expel mucus after consuming dairy products) = J/K - Jeff's Knish
• "Luhmow" (yawning) = LMAO - Let's Munch At O'Charley's or Let's Munch At Olive Garden
• "Lawel" (unknown; just a noise he makes sometimes) = LOL - Look Out Lads -or- Leave Off, Larry (another really specific one)
• "Muhoti" (his mother, we think) = MHOTY - My Hat's Off To You
• "Nnnnnpppppp" (An expulsion of intestinal gas that goes horribly, horribly wrong = NP - New Pants -or- No Pants
• "Ohmguh" (Gasping for breath while eating something chewy) = OMG - Oprah Might Go
• "Oat" (A kind of meal he will not eat) = OT - Overtime (in reference to extra pay incurred during stakeouts)
• "Pove" (Nickname for his buddy Maury Povich) = POV - Person On 'Vette (one of Clark's personally specific ones)
• "Le Mayo" (condiment he asks for when dining in a French restaurant) = LMAO - Letting My Air Out (?)
• "Rawful" (See above) ROFL - Ready, O'Charley's For Lunch
• "Errttt!" (Noise he makes when his heart stops, which happens frequently) = RT - Relaxin' Time 
• "Thhorxxt" (attempting to just go ahead and swallow a chicken bone he was unable to cough up) = THX - George Lucas is snooping around again

The bottom line: Skippy is gross.

Just Say No(prah)

Yeah ... I'm pretty certain you know which acronyms of those Jeff mentioned are my doing:

BFF - Be Fast, Friend / Bring Female Friends

NP - New Pants / No Pants

OMG - Oprah Might Go

What say I offer a little more detail where these three "commonly used" abbreviations are concerned:

BFF

Honesty, I have no idea where the "be fast, friend" definition came from. Far as I'm concerned "bring female friends" has always (yes, I used "always") been the correct response to "What does BFF mean?" (Hello, Ladies!)

NP

"New Pants" is wrong, wrong, wrong. Jeff was trying to be nice there. It's simply wrong. It's been "no pants" since its conception. Period. Come on ... have we met ... ?!?? Just ask the guys what my standard depeche mode ("fast fashion") is around the Unbelieva-Base.

OMG

This was code for "Get the hell out of there, quick!" or "ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!"

Think about it for a moment: If you knew Oprah might be coming - in any way shape or form and to whatever function/card game/concert/dinner party you happened to be throwing - you'd want to get the hell out of Dodge post haste, wouldn't you? Yeah ... that's what I thought.

Cut and dried, there are three quick answers behind some of the most commonly used (and most commonly mistaken) acronyms the world over.

You're welcome, World.

LOL, RT, LMAO

Everywhere you go these days, the "kids" and pretty much everyone else who has been outside their front door since 1974 are using their mobile devices to communicate with one another, either by chatting, messaging, texting or anything that isn't making actual phone calls.

Remember about 20 or so years back when everyone was getting into the Internet and using chatroom lingo and then a few years later when people started texting using all those abbreviations? Yeah, well, we were pissed about that (and still are, to a degree).

Why? Because it was our idea. We have had handheld mobile communicators since virtually day one. We recognised the need to be able to call each other in an emergency or to share an in-joke or two at some villain's or one another's expense. In our business you never know when the need arises to quickly summon the team together and fight off some would-be ne'er-do-well's fiendish plot. Time, in these situations, is of the essence.

So we devised a simple system of acronyms and abbreviations that could be speedily input into the Unbelievatext™ Wrist-O-Matic™ devices to effectively send these otherwise time-consuming messages.

Unfortunately, though, some of these leaked out, and they were then appropriated by "the kids" and altered for their own purposes. As for who leaked the information, my money's on Kip the Mail Boy.

You might recognise most of the following list, but I bet you never knew what the original meaning was, did you? 

BRB - Bad, Really Bad

BTW - Bring The Weaponry

B4N - BBQ For Nine

BFF - Be Fast, Friend -or- Bring Female Friends

FUD - Fish, Undercooked, Diarrhea

FWIW - Five Weeks In Woolloomooloo (very, very specific, and a story we will reveal later)

IMHO - It May Have Ostriches

IRL - In Red Lincoln

ISO - I'm Speeding Over

J/K - Jeff's Knish

LMAO - Let's Munch At O'Charley's or Let's Munch At Olive Garden

LOL - Look Out Lads -or- Leave Off, Larry (another really specific one)

MHOTY - My Hat's Off To You

NP - New Pants -or- No Pants

OMG - Oprah Might Go

OT - Overtime (in reference to extra pay incurred during stakeouts)

POV - Person On 'Vette (one of Clark's personally specific ones)

LMAO - Letting My Air Out (?)

ROFL - Ready, O'Charley's For Lunch

RT - Relaxin' Time 

THX - George Lucas is snooping around again

SWAK - Sent With A Knish

TLC - Tipsy,  Lost Control

TMI - Too Much Irish (Whiskey)

WTF - Where's The Fire?

XOXO - Xylophone, and stock cubes.

So there you are. I bet some of those really surprised you. I bet you're also wondering how we are able to divulge this info. Well, since the leak, we abandoned these acronyms and went back to using these fab headset devices instead.

Well worth the $35, not to mention the $400 installation fee, I trust you'll agree.

Unbeliev-atonement

Ladies and Gentlemen:

We interrupt the regularly scheduled wrap up of this week's signature Unbelievanars™ and their many considerations to announce the following:

Glaringly, it has come to our attention our esteemed colleague - Jeff Hickmott, partner in crime fighting, whipped potato master, uber stylish gent and all around swell egg - went a bit off the deep end with Wednesday's posting, having offered some rather salacious and questionable material for Unbelievanar™ consideration. So salacious, in fact, we were rather embarrassed and disturbed by some of that material.

We want to take this opportunity to apologize for any harm said material may have caused, be it visual, auditory or mental. And particularly so from the viewing of the "Auntie Angel" piece with her ... *uh-hem* ... "instructional" citrus tutorial. (The audio portion of the video alone was enough to send some folks running. All of us here at the Unbelieva-Base will undoubtedly wake up in cold night sweats with memories of those sounds rattling around inside our heads.)

Come next week, we should have things back to their proper order ... which could be anything as you well know.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

P.S. As of last evening, "Stabbing Meat For Fun And Profit" with Vincent Price has been taken off the table, so to speak. The main draw - Mr. Price himself - is not available as it turns out ... as he's been dead for the last 20+ years.

Instead, we'll be evaluating something a little less "stabbity" - the twinkle-toe stylings of the amazing Mr. Fred Emney and his lost ragtime artistry ...