Friday, July 25, 2014

Spreading the acronyms

As Jeff pointed out on Monday, a lot of this internet/texting shorthanded jargon originated with us. That IS true, but we did have inspiration... sort of. This is Preston Nygard, the publisher and editor-in-chief of the Stilleto Flats Picayune...
"Make it snappy. I'm a busy man."

...And this is his firstborn son, Skippy "Scoop" Nygard, a reporter for the venerable newspaper his daddy runs.
"Duh... Wha-a-a...?"

When we first began operations and started gaining some notoriety, it became Skippy's primary assignment to report on our exploits, of both the crime-fighting and social varieties. As a result, he's always around. We once asked the senior Mr. Nygard why he assigned Skippy to cover us and he said, "As I'm sure you have already figured out, Skippy is not exactly the most capable individual. But he is my son and I love him. I figure if he's around you and anything ever happens, you're there to protect him." I replied to him, "Are you sure about that? I kind of hate Skippy. I dream about kicking him out of a window some day." Jeff said, "Me too. If it ever came down to saving a super villain or saving Skippy, I'd be conflicted." "Oh yeah", said Michael. "If we're ever running away from a horrible fire, I can't promise I won't trip him." Mr. Nygard smiled and said, "I'll bear that in mind, but the odds are still better than if he tried to get through life on his own".
As you can imagine, having a member of the press constantly underfoot, chronicling our every step, it's no wonder that things we say to each other get picked up and distributed to the general public. But in the case of these acronyms, many of them began as subliminal suggestions resulting from onomatopoetic noises coming from Skippy.
You see, Skippy is a heavy smoker who subsists entirely on a diet of fried grease products. He is a wheezing, gassy little man from whom a constant stream of odd noises and smells emanates. For example, a barely concealed belch sounds like "Rawful", which we subliminally translated to "ROFL" which we then adapted as the far-less-disgusting acronym for "Ready, O'Charley's For Lunch". Here are some other examples:

  • "Burrbbbp" (after eating almost anything) = BRB - Bad, Really Bad
  • "Buttwah" (trying to cough up yet another chicken bone) = BTW - Bring The Weaponry
  • "Bufforfin" (unsuccessful attempt to stifle smoker's cough) = B4N - BBQ For Nine
  • "Buffuffuff" (slightly more successful attempt to stifle smoker's cough = BFF - Be Fast, Friend -or- Bring Female Friends
  • "Fud" (what he calls anything edible) = FUD - Fish, Undercooked, Diarrhea
  • "FuhWeeWee" (his sneezes...weird, eh?) = FWIW - Five Weeks In Woolloomooloo (very, very specific, and a story we will reveal later)
  • "I'm a ho" (proudly expounding on his lack of romantic discretion) = IMHO - It May Have Ostriches
  • "Eerrrllll" (projectile regurtitation of too much "Fud") = IRL - In Red Lincoln
  • "Eye So'" (description of a run-down abandoned building) = ISO - I'm Speeding Over
  • "Jjkkk!!" (attempting to expel mucus after consuming dairy products) = J/K - Jeff's Knish
  • "Luhmow" (yawning) = LMAO - Let's Munch At O'Charley's or Let's Munch At Olive Garden
  • "Lawel" (unknown; just a noise he makes sometimes) = LOL - Look Out Lads -or- Leave Off, Larry (another really specific one)
  • "Muhoti" (his mother, we think) = MHOTY - My Hat's Off To You
  • "Nnnnnpppppp" (An expulsion of intestinal gas that goes horribly, horribly wrong = NP - New Pants -or- No Pants
  • "Ohmguh" (Gasping for breath while eating something chewy) = OMG - Oprah Might Go
  • "Oat" (A kind of meal he will not eat) = OT - Overtime (in reference to extra pay incurred during stakeouts)
  • "Pove" (Nickname for his buddy Maury Povich) = POV - Person On 'Vette (one of Clark's personally specific ones)
  • "Le Mayo" (condiment he asks for when dining in a French restaurant) = LMAO - Letting My Air Out (?)
  • "Rawful" (See above) ROFL - Ready, O'Charley's For Lunch
  • "Errttt!" (Noise he makes when his heart stops, which happens frequently) = RT - Relaxin' Time 
  • "Thhorxxt" (attempting to just go ahead and swallow a chicken bone he was unable to cough up) = THX - George Lucas is snooping around again
The bottom line: Skippy is gross.

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