You're Such A Card

As Clark mentioned on Monday, we all have our own style and approach on the day of the Big V. For me, the biggest deal is the card.

Oh, it's all very well to do the fancy dinner, the jewellery, the new outfit, the brand new Audi with a big red bow on it, the breakfast in bed, the flowers, the chocolates... but if the card sucks, then you are sunk. You might as well be wearing a T-shirt with the word 'loser' printed in big fat red letters on it. In church. Without pants.

So what kind of card is right? There are many answers, but the key word to remember is puns. Girls love a good pun, and the cornier, stupider, and more ridiculous, the better. I asked the UnbelievaBabes about the best V-cards they'd ever gotten, and they provided me with a few examples (you knew there'd be examples, didn't you? I am so transparent).

Kinky.

Oh, they get worse.

There's a bit of a tone to this one.

Croak - frog - geddit?

Offensive to donkeys.

Technically not a pun, but who's being picky?

And the worst one of all...

I heard the writer of this one now works for Jay Leno. Good gig.

 Now, I hope you follow my sage advice this Valentine's Day. if you don't, you might get a card back from your loved one like this...

She's not really into you.

Be Careful Out There

Clark was right on several fronts:

• Valentine's Day is fast approaching and will be here in mere days ...
• ... thus, all of us - collectively - agreed it would be a good thing to share the wisdom we've gathered over the years. (Don't worry ... we have plenty to go around. We won't exhaust our supply here and now. There'll be plenty for next year.)
• And ... Clark's right again: The three of us have different ideas about the day and its events ... or lack thereof.

Me? I'm not here to tell you how to make your Valentine's the sweetest ever. Clark did that last post. My job is to keep you out of harm's way as the Day of Love approaches. Just a few simple, easily manageable tips to keep you safe, sane ... and alive. 

Many believe Valentine's is all about the ladies (Hello, Ladies!) and, often, that's true. But for those who may be experiencing an achy, breaky heart during the middle of February, you may want to count your blessings.

Here's the deal (because there's always a deal): The fact of the matter is if you gather a group of women - any group of women, no matter their size, shape, ethnicity, hair color, etc. - 9 times out of 10 you'll find they weave webs. Webs woven to attract and capture the unsuspecting male causing him to say and do all sorts of things he wouldn't normally say or do.

These webs? They're not always easily seen, not always so blatant and neon-colored and recognizable. Often they're subtle, difficult to detect, invisible even to the point of undetectability, regardless of the fact the male of the species may be on the lookout for them.

Males, as a general rule, are easily drawn in and seduced by the fairer sex.

Sentiments as the above are typical offerings
from men hopelessly trapped in women's intrigue.

How? How do females do this? Well ... snappy clothing, for one ... 

We might think we're being sly by wooing someone's heart, but don't be fooled:

The female in your sights has already snared you in her ruse ...

 

... and that means you've already been caught
in a Black Widow sort of way ... 

Of course, I've fast-forwarded through all the details: The wooing ... the gifts ... the happy smiles ... the gay times ... the goo-goo eye making ... those joyful feelings filled with stomach butterflies and a general sense of euphoria, ad nauseum.

I'm not trying to "doom say" here. The good news is many of you will avoid any passionate ambush of the heart. Others of you? Just face facts: You might as well cash in your chips while you still have chips to cash in.

Look: The Unbelievables are good at many things, crime fighting being at the top of the list. But, in the ways of love, there's only so much we can do, only so many warnings we can offer.

Because the heart? It's going to do what it's going to do.  And sometimes?

... sometimes that means YOUR END ... 

Happy Valentine's Day! And let's be careful out there.

(Here's hoping Jeff has a little more positivity going into the end of the week!)

It's that time of year again

Once again, we're creeping up on our favorite holiday, Valentine's Day! And as a service to our fellow men fellows (or Unbelieva-bros! No? Okay, never mind) we thought it would be nice to avail our sultry, smooth, seductive selves to them, which ultimately benefits you ladies (Hello ladies!)
I'll lead things off but the three of us have our own ideas and styles. Of course, in spite of any differences in approach that we take, all three of us are geniuses at this stuff so you don't want to miss out on what any of us have to say. Check back later in the week for help from Michael and Jeff, but for today, here are MY tips to you...



First of all, the big day is on a Friday this year. If Friday is your "boys night out", take a raincheck, fool! Whatever it is you do with your chums every week will keep!

It's a big day for her, so if she wants to take special steps to get pretty, let her!
What do you have to lose?

Rowr!

If you're out on a date, have some snappy patter prepared in case dinner goes wrong somehow. Witty repartee can go a long way in overcoming any culinary shortcomings (so to speak).

Maybe she doesn't feel like going out on the town. That's okay! She just wants to spend time with you. How sweet! Just make sure that whatever you do, you do it together.

(Not So Much Of A) Surprise! It Wasn't Barry At All (or ... Bear Vexed, Chapter III)

Yep ... as it turned out, Bear Vexed and his cronies

turned out to be a load of crap.

It took some brainiac work, but I finally figured it out.

Well ... honestly, it was Jeff and Clark who led me to that "lightbulb" moment.

It was Jeff who got the ball rolling with his mention of Barry ... or superhero "Bear Vexed" as he prefers. His "buddies" were the keys to the whole shebang. Take note:

• Bear Lee There: Anagram for "BLT" ... one of the world's most delectable toasted sandwiches.
• Prime NumBear: Another anagram, this one with a bit of a twist - it really should read "Prime num BeaR" or "PBR". Yes ... PBR as in "Pabst Blue Ribbon" ... the beer. (Trust me: That stuff will make you numb.)

What do they have in common? Food and drink. Now ... hold that thought for just a minute ...

Then, it was Clark who further guided said rolling ball to that freakin' little French twit Henri Petit.

Back the food and drink ...

Where could one partake of a delicious BLT and a satisfying brew?*

At none other then that little rat bastard Petit's place. Sammiches and brewskis were the featured "refreshments" for last week's cleverly disguised Super Bowl party. He's a wily one, that Petit.

Of course he'd say "there's plenty of food" when we "unexpectedly" stopped by to question him because he knew without doubt he'd be getting a visit from us. His "since you guys are here" ad hoc invitation to join his Super Bowl shindig was nothing but a ruse, a plain-as-day cover in the vein of keeping your friends close and your enemies (us) closer.

And is there anything closer than keeping an eye on your foes (again, us ... international crime fighting playboys) then having them join in on the festivities? That little shit Petit is good, let me tell you. Real good ...

How good is he? This is how good:

Petit knew Honey Boo Boo (Jeff's nemesis and personal thorn in his side) pegged all her "bears" (many of which - as noted previously - aren't bears at all) "Teddy With for Sleepin'." And that, good people, is nothing but a cleverly way of stating "TWS" is nothing but a dream. A dream of Petit's to pin the tail on Barry and his buddies to become part of the Unbelievable team and use the unsuspecting Teddy as a pawn to infiltrate our super secret (but easily locate-able via an everyday Google search) Unbelieva-Base headquarters.

What a cad that Petit is! What a maroon! What an ignoramanous! It just goes to show you: You have to get up pretty early in the morning to put one over on The Unbelievables.

In the end, there was nothing we could do to the gravity-challenged baby-faced twerp ... because no crime was actually committed.

But we're well aware of Petit's modus operandi. In no time at all you can be certain Petit will plunge his filthy little paws into somebody's unsuspecting pie. Count on it.

P.S. You might be wondering what the "nothing could have prepared us for what happened next" hint-hint Clark intimated in Wednesday's post ... right?

Well ... heheheheheh ...

That was nothing more than Clark building up the suspense and keeping things lively ...

... but then again: Here comes Valentine's Day! You just never know what can happen leading up to that magical "jour de l'amour". Stay tuned ...


* I personally wouldn't call PBR a satisfying quaff. It's the furthest thing from it.

 

Bear Vexed - Chapter II

We've had some weird cases, but this one was truly baffling. The first thing we had to do was focus.

"Um, guys? Teddy Bears and other stuffed animals aren't supposed to be alive."

One of us said that and I'm not sure who it was but it was enough to snap all of us out of our enchanted state where it hadn't seemed odd at all that adorable Teddy Bears were carrying weapons and carrying out acts of mayhem, all cute-like. From there, it was relatively easy to figure out a course of action: figure out who had animated the playthings and turned them into plush, huggable zombies, take that person down, end the crime spree.
We then turned to our files and looked at the profiles of our arch enemies. From there, it was just the process of elimination, good old-fashioned detective work.
First up, Winnie the Pooh

CASE FOR: Well, he's a bear. We had a file on him.
CASE AGAINST: He's not real. Come on, guys, focus. We jumped this hurdle, remember? Less than a file, it was a book. "The Complete Tales of Winnie the Pooh" by A.A. Milne, to be exact.
COMMENTS: "How did that get in there?" - Jeff

Next, it was former Chicago Bears head coach Mike Ditka

CASE FOR: The Chicago Bears have been around for about 350 years and have won exactly one Super Bowl, and Ditka was the coach at that time. Clearly, he knows a thing or two about getting the most out of inanimate bears.
CASE AGAINST: Rock-solid alibi: Ditka doesn't coach anymore, choosing to spend his time on one of the countless shows starring a cast of ex-football players yukking it up in the name of "analysis".
COMMENTS: Coach Ditka made us do pushups for wasting his time. I hate pushups. Mostly because Michael insists on stripping down before doing them. "If we're going to exercise, let's do it correctly." - Michael

That was followed by a visit to the nefarious Henri Petit

CASE FOR: The little no-good bastard is always up to something shady. As a baby, he should have stuffed animals laying around...and he didn't! Plus, he was dressed like coach Ditka when we encountered him.
CASE AGAINST: "Oh, what the hell you guys! For at least the hundredth time, I am NOT a baby or a child. Why would I have need of stuffed animals or other toys? And my attire? Well, I'm hosting a Super Bowl party and there's a costume theme. I sent you all invitations, but as usual, no RSVP. Since you're here, why don't you come on in? There's plenty of food." - Henri Petit
COMMENTS: We kicked him out of a window, each of us taking a turn, because it's a terrific way to relieve stress.

Lastly, Jeff's old nemesis, the infamous Honey Boo Boo

CASE FOR: Practically a confession: "Hey y'all! Lookit mah new Teddy Bear! He's alive!" - Honey Boo Boo. "Gyah! That isn't a Teddy Bear!" - Jeff. "Ha ha! Yew talk funny!" - Honey Boo Boo.
CASE AGAINST: Aw, come on. She's just a little kid, you guys.
COMMENTS: We booked her anyway, because we pretty much had to after she said this: "I named my new Teddy 'Teddy With for Sleepin', like I name ALL my Teddys". The mysterious TWS!

It looked like we had things all wrapped up. But nothing could have prepared us for what happened next!

Michael?

Bear Vexed

One thing that happens to us Unbelievables quite a lot is when people confuse us - International Crimefighting playboys - with Superheroes. Well, sure, I guess it's an easy mistake to make - we are pretty darn cool, and our skills at defeating bad guys are unmatched, but don a cape, mask, tights and undies on the outside? Not our scene, folks. 

But for some people, the distinction between the two things gets a little blurry. So if one of our wannabe Unbelievables (and there are many, let's face it - who wouldn't want to join our hallowed ranks?) pops up at our gaff one day dressed in the silky spandex suit with the flowing cape, so what? We've seen it before. But say a teddy bear turns up attired the same way - that might be enough to make us stop and scratch our heads.

He said his name was Barry, but preferred to go under his superhero name Bear Vexed. What could we do for him, he asked. Make him a realistic offer, he said. He wanted to join, and become an Unbelievable. Sadly, we said, we stopped the recruitment business long ago, for reasons which we have explained in these pages not so long ago.

He showed us his skills. Tae kwon Do. Su Do Ku. Tae Bo. Hai Karate.

We had to admit, for a teddy that was pretty impressive.

He showed us the armoury tucked away in his utility belt.

Mmm, not bad. Particularly the TRS-80.

But ultimately, we said no. Three's company, we said. The boiling pot and all that. Too many cooks. You know the drill.

So off he stomped, in a huff. "Forget you guys," he snapped. "I'm gonna form my own crimefighting trio. And I'm gonna call it ---



The UnBearLievables..."

Well, he did just that. He got two of his buddies to join.

Bear Lee There.

Prime NumBear.

And they've been popping up annoyingly ever since. At least until last week.

I'll leave it to Clark and Michael to explain how we took the UnBearLievables out of circulation. Till then... ciao!

By the way... we never did figure out what T, W and S stood for.

Wear'em? We endorse'em ... !!!

Duh!