A Need ...

Just one of the many reasons The Unbelievables were conceived ...

... and not a moment too soon ...

Kinda Strange Tunes

So ... that hat? The one we all drew from to get some random musical celebrity for this week's monkey business?

Here's the thing: First, you have to understand I'm the last of the three to "draw" from the hat. And that means you have to know shenanigans from my partners in crime(fighting) are surely to ensue when I come up to bat.

Don't get me wrong: Being last has its advantages at times. This time? Not one of them ...

"Your turn, Michael! Get out here! Jeff and I are waiting!" Clark called to me a little too enthusiastically while I was somewhere down the hall in our Unbelieva-digs earlier this week.

"Let me stop what I'm doing and come satisfy your whim, Clark ..." I called out. I was brushing my teeth at the time, I didn't have pants on (I know ... shocking) and really wanted to jump in the shower ... but ...

I entered the office where Clark and Jeff were beaming with delight, obviously at something I was unaware. Jeff was stifling snickers and Clark was outright doubled over from laughter prior to me making my appearance.

"Jeff's got the hat. Reach in and grab a name ... no peeking!" Clark commanded.

I stuffed my hand inside the hat. I could feel at least a dozen folded pieces of paper at the bottom of the thing and I swished them around a bit, finally drawing one out.

I looked at it while unfolding it, flipped it from being upside down once opened, then put my hand on my hip:

The name I'd drawn was Roy Orbison. 

"Funny. You guys are a laugh riot ..." Jeff's snickers began anew and Clark did his best to bite the inside of his cheek to stop any further guffawing from taking place.

Jeff held out the hat once again. I drew another piece of paper.

Janis Joplin.

I drew again.

Gene Autry. Really.

And again. 

Minnie Pearl.

"All right ... you guys have had your fun. How many more dead people are in the hat?!?"

"You've actually - and amazingly - picked out each and every dead one," Clark confessed. "We don't know how you did it, but you're good, You. There're none but the living left in the hat from this point forward ..." he assured me.

"... uh, huh ..." I countered and stuck my hand in one last time.

Weird Al Yankovic. Nice. This was the celebrity I had to get songs from.

And let me tell you, Weird Al is no piece of cake to get hold of. The best I was able to do was get in contact with his publicist who informed me his 2½ year-long tour which ended last October really took a toll on him. Translation: It was not possible to speak with Al directly. When I revealed my intentions, the publicist said the best he could do was pass along what he thought were some of Al's favorites.

Naturally, I was skeptical. But there wasn't much I could do about it in light of Al being on the sly. 

So here's what I was able to glean. First? "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen. Why? I have no clue ...


Secondly - and not so surprisingly - the Blue Swede version of "Hooked On A Feeling" ...


Lastly - and most troublingly - 10CC's "I'm Not In Love." I don't want to know why ...



Now, guys: Can we get back to some real blood and guts crime type stuff? Because this week sort of creeped me out ...

Top 3 Albums, not just tunes

Hi folks. It's Wednesday and that means it's my turn to draw a name from the hat. Who will I get...?

Elvis Costello!
If there's one thing Elvis likes more than glasses, hats and scarves, it's having eclectic tastes in music. Or as he says, "I don't feel any form of music is beyond me in the sense of that I don't understand it or I don't have some love for some part of it." He was reluctant to share his three favorite songs with us, claiming that it would be impossible to limit that list to a mere three, but I told him I didn't have all day and asked him to just get on with it already. He insisted that it be whole albums, not just songs, and these are the three he pulled from his top shelf.

"I like this one a lot. This is, of course, Larz Kristerz and the first chapter in the 'Stuff Party' epoch. I love the concept of a Stuff Party. It can be anything you like because it's about stuff and stuff is whatever it is. 'Why are there geese in here? Who is that person dressed as a shrimp? Where is this blimp going? No one can say. It's a Stuff Party'."

"I'm not normally a huge fan of Gustav Holst, I mean I respect his work, of course, but he's not someone I find terribly interesting. I do like the direction he took with this album, though, interplanetary space war with marital aids as weapons. That's boldly creative and super sexy." A NOTE FROM CLARK: That may be how a rock star feels about it but neither of these people have any concept of cover and concealment or how to take up an effective firing stance. They'd both be riddled with dildo bullets within seconds.

"As you can tell, I love concept albums, an art form that has disappeared, it would seem. This one is my absolute favorite. In my opinion, it's the Sgt. Pepper of the 'husband-and-wife-try-to-form-pirate-crew-using-a-hotel-laundry-cart-as-a-ship-but-repeated-attempts-to-produce-suitably-ugly-children-are-all-failures-so-they-have-to-break-down-and-buy-a-ventriloquist-dummy' genre. You know, that whole thing."

Well, that's the Top Three from Elvis Costello. Tune in Friday when it's Micheal's turn to draw a name from the hat!

Top 3 Tunes

This week being a slow news week, coupled with the fact that we're working on a huge huge mega-big really really really top tip top secret case, (plus being fresh out of ideas), we thought we'd ask some of our showbiz friends a random question and see what they came up with. The question we chose was: What are your three favourite albums of all time? We were allowed to pick one celeb each out of a hat (a very stylish fedora). I dug deep into the fedora and came up with Björk.

She's pretty bonkers, right? So you'd expect her selections to be pretty random, correct? Well, they are. But not really in the way you might think. Here we go...

1)  

Lionel Blair's Aerobic Dancing LP. Of this, she says, "Stomping tunes, cardboard hair and tight shorty shorts. What more can one ask for?" What indeed?

2)   

Peter Hayward, King Of The Keys. "He's the king, no question. He can press my keys anytime." Wow. Just wow.

3) 

The Knipp Family - A trip around the world with Father, Mother and 6 daughters. "They may look like six men in matching skirts and headscarves who could have come from an Eastern European turnip field, but they sing like angels."

Well, what can one say? Tune in on Wednesday when Clark will be dialling in his celeb's choice.

So sorry, George

There's no question that clip of Mr. Takei fencing on his incredibly popular show "Star Wars" didn't help his case with us. We take our swordsmanship VERY seriously. But the real disconnect was his absolute inability to deliver a suitable one-liner after a battle with an enemy. George says graceful and witty things. We are men of action, not words

and flowery, pithy, insightful speeches aren't really appropriate for what we do.
For instance, this is the kind of thing we say after defeating some foul ne'er do well:

"Enjoy your window shopping" - After we've kicked someone through a window

"Cool off" - After we've blasted someone with liquid nitrogen

"There's nothing like fall in New York" - After we've thrown someone off a skyscraper in New York

"So sorry about your explosive diarrhea" - After we've tricked someone into eating dynamite, which only happened once and was instantly regretted

And here's the kind of things George says...

“I’ve sometimes imagined that if sin had a flavor, it might very well be bacon.”

I mean, it's kind of cool but what the hell does it mean? Maybe if you said it after throwing a crooked priest into a pen of man-eating pigs, but how often are you going to get a chance to do that? Otherwise, it's confusing. Naturally, we can't stand around after solving a case contemplating the meaning of enigmatic riddles and being confused and suddenly thinking about how delicious bacon is.

So we sat down with George to break the news the best way we could think of.

GEORGE: So that's it? I'm out?
MICHAEL: Afraid so, buddy. Unfortunately, everybody just isn't cut out for it. Please try not to take it personally.
GEORGE: Oh no, it's really not that big a deal. I have plenty of stuff going on to keep me busy as it is. I just thought this might be fun so I gave it a shot. No hard feelings!
JEFF: Wow, you're taking this remarkably well. Not sure we were prepared for this.
GEORGE: Really, I'm fine. If anything, I feel bad for you guys, taking all this trouble to bring me to dinner on the top floor of this New York skyscraper with a spectacular window view. It's really not necessary. You could have just called me.
CLARK: (Sigh) I'll see if we can get a refund on the liquid nitrogen.
GEORGE: What is that under the bacon? I-is that dynamite?!?

Oh Myyy...

In Monday's missive from Michael, you might be forgiven for thinking that we did not like a certain G. Takei, Esq. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. We love George. We think he's a very talented and witty and perceptive individual. We adore him in everything he does. We especially love that moment in the Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner where he told Bill, "F*%& you and the horse you rode in on!". We just think he's the bee's knees. We just don't think he's Unbelievables material. 

The Unbelievables and NOT George Takei.

Sure, he can act the hell out of the role of Mr. Sulu, the helmsman of the Starship NCC-1701 Enterprise. He writes many a witty quip on Twitter, Facebook and even on Amazon (click here). And he's a stylish, well-dressed guy (much like ourselves). He's a well-rounded, well-read, highly intelligent renaissance man, for sure. He just cannot cut it as an Unbelievable. We rejected his application because we knew it wouldn't work and it wasn't worth letting the poor guy come along and embarrass himself. He sent in his stunt double to try to 'shadow' us and help out on a case, to try to get to know the ropes, so to speak. But his stunt double (a very nice chap named Godfrey) didn't have his heart in the task and the photo above is the only one of him with us. It was taken at the start of day one, before he'd had any real experience with us. By the end of that day the man was a shell of his former self. We'd worn him out. He quit there and then, but we stayed in touch and he still comes to our occasional Pan-Asian Fusion Cookery Night Sleepovers (no, not to cook - Godfrey's rubbish in the kitchen, but he digs the Yakitori), and is dating an Unbelievababe named Trixie. Good old Godfrey.

No, George would not have worked out at all. Any info he got from Godfrey as to what was required of an Unbelievable was probably useless anyway, since we are constantly striving to improve, and updating our methods.

But what could have made Mr. Takei so certain he was made of the right stuff? Our guess - this...




I'll leave it to Clark to tell you all how we broke he news to George and convinced him once and for all the he wasn't cut out for Unbelievability. Till Friday then.... ciao!

The Red Shirt

 

Yes. We know: You've seen the above image time and again where The Unbelievables are concerned.

 

And, of course, there's a story behind the image. Several stories, actually, depending on which of us you ask.

 

As detailed previously, this was one of our more successful undercover operations with Jeff pulling off blondness in grand fashion and Clark looking slim and trim and pimp-o-licious to boot. (And, duh ... I've always looked fabulous in white ...)

 

The case - known as "Flared Jean Funk" - was of little import as it turned out. More to the point was the Asian gentleman to our left who was supposed to be none other than George Takei (yes ... that George Takei) in the flesh. As it turned out, he was an infiltrator put in place by none other than the real George Takei in an attempt to find out what it took to become a bonafide member of The Unbelievables.

 

 

Back in the day Jeff, Clark and I put the word out we were accepting applications for membership in our extraordinary crime fighting organization. Early on we thought it might be best to have additional bodies in the mix, believing "many hands make light work." In actual process, however, we discovered there were just too many cooks in the kitchen. (In the end, "less being more" is a better fit when it comes to fighting bad guys.)

 

Oh ... we continue to employ various reliable informants and others to aid in our endeavors. But no one yet has met our exacting standards. And Georgie Boy wasn't even close.  

 

That being said, we ticked him off by spurning his application. Simply, he just wasn't up to the task of "unbelievability" we've come to expect.

 

Jeff? Clark? Give everyone the down and dirty why we "red shirted" him ...