Something Ziggy this Way Comes

I took the second shift. When I took over from Clark, he had that same look upon his face that he usually has just prior to defenestrating Henri Petit. I drew him to one side and recommended that he go and take out his aggression in the Villains room, which is like a gym full of dummies with the faces of some of our greatest adversaries on them. Except in Clark's case, he changes them all to Henri Petit. 

Artie the UnbelievaCat conducts an UnbelievaFu™ Unbelievinar™ at the local Radisson, and gives several members of Sum41 an ass-whuppin'.

Clark growled at me under his breath "...that guy.. is so...annoying!!! He keeps telling us he's coming to kick our butts and just never shows up! I mean,  what is WRONG with that dude!!!?" and with that, he stalked off to kick some dummy butt.

Recently declassified photo of Clark warming up for the Villains Room.

I had never seen Clark like this. Zigfiried (or Zigfried or Zigried) had really gotten to him. True, the guy was beginning to irk me somewhat also. But, resigned to my post, I manned the phone.

I didn't have long to wait. In a matter of seconds it began to ring again.

I snatched up the phone. "Hello!?!"

The familiar snarky voice snapped back, "Ah, good morning, Unbelieva-fools! I am on my way, you idiots! I am coming to give you the butt-kicking of your --"

"HOLD ON just one second, Ziggy! All you do is keep threatening and nothing to show for it! You just keep saying you're on your way, well where are you then? Huh? You don't know, because you're not coming at all, are you? You're a one-man  flop, aren't you? you've got no goons, no henchmen, no-one to help. You keep saying you've got to go through a tunnel, well I know for DAMN sure there aren't any tunnels for literally MILES around! So tell us then, Zigster! Where the hell are you, eh?"

" Ah, well, you see, I'm, uh, very close by, quite near, just a little ways away, down the road apiece, not too far..."

"Horse pucky!" I cried. "C'mon, talk to me.... if you can worm your way in to anywhere and disrupt a big ceremony like you did the Oscars, how come you can't come over here and fight?"

Just then, Kip shouted at me from the next room. "Uh, red alert, guys! We have a visitor..."

We'd Do Just About Anything ... But We Won't Do That ...

The following took place a few months ago ...

*ring, ring*

Jeff answered the Unbelieva-Phone.

"Hello? Yes? Yeah? Well ... hold on a moment. That's not my department. Michael's the one you want to talk to ... hold on a moment ..."

I heard my name yelled out.

"What?"

"There's a Standish Coffee on the phone, says he's from San Diego Comic-Con. Pick up, will you?"

"What does he want? I was just about to go out for volleyball practice with a few Unbelieva-Babes ..." I told him.

"No clue. I told him you would handle it."

Hrmphing at the interruption (hey ... you get interrupted en route to a little volleyball practice with the Unbelieva-Babes and see if you don't get tiffed) but somewhat interested at who it was, I picked up the phone. "Hello ... this is Michael ..."

"Michael? Of The Unbelievables? Great. This is Standish Coffee, marketing head of Comic-Con International. I want to extend an invitation to you and your comrades to come down to San Diego next month to do a panel at San Diego Comic-Con. We'll pay for all expenses - travel, lodging, meals. Your panel will be up to you, you can talk about whatever you want for an hour. We'll even schedule you in Ballroom 20, one of the best venues. Thousands will attend. You can do a Q&A, show video, we can arrange an autograph session, whatever you want. Having you guys here will be a thrill. What do you say?"

Clark had overheard Jeff mention Comic-Con and both had congregated around me to try to pick up on what was going on.

"Thanks for the call. We're not interested, though. We appreciated you guys thinking of us. That lodging and travel freebie is mighty tempting. Maybe we can plan for next year if we can have something that jives with what Comic-Con is and does. Later." I hung up.

"Was that Comic-Con? Did I hear right?!? I've never been! I want to go!" Clark said excitedly. "Get back on the phone and tell that guy we'll be there!"

"Clark ... listen to me: Comic-Con is about comics, comic characters, comic books, comic art. We don't have anything to do with any of that ..."

"Are you insane?!? Hollywood has been attending for years! Promoting new TV shows! Debuting movie trailers! Offering stars the chance to show their adoring fans they appreciate them! Don't we want to do that!?!"

"No, we don't. We're not performing monkeys. We don't have a comic book ..." (I jotted a note in a notebook about putting an Unbelievables comic together) "... and we don't need them. Our fans know where we are and they get hold of us whenever they want."

"He's got a point, Clark ..." Jeff muttered. "I mean ... I'd like to go but Michael's right: We'd be swamped if we went. And we don't have any real reason to be there other than as fans. Still ..."

"... but ..." Clark stammered "... Comic-Con! All expenses paid, yes?! Free! Stinkin'! Tickets! To! Comic-Con ... !!! Chicks in superhero costumes!"

So ... now? Clark might have a point ...

"Let's not lose sight of who we are and what we do here, guys. Let's not get caught up in the glamor of it all. I mean ... what can Comic-Con offer that we don't already enjoy or do? We do have the Unbelieva-Babes, remember ..."

The guys reluctantly understood and nodded knowingly.

You see ... The Unbelievables, while we might have carefree and seemingly wild lifestyles and adventures, have an image to maintain. And pandering to the masses is not that image.

This, kicking our enemies out multi-story tower windows however, is:

Jeff and Clark will provide a few other examples when we turned down situations. Or ... they may not ...

Are You Qualified?

Many aspiring Unbelievababes write, call or email us, asking us what it would take for them to qualify. What are the qualities we Unbelieva-gents look for in potential female companions/assistants? Well, firstly, if you think that all the Unbelievababes are is a bunch of female companions and assistants, be aware that they are much, much more than that. Both Clark and Michael have outlined what the Unbelievababes are capable of and the rigorous training they go through in order to maintain their Unbelievababe credentials.

Firstly, you have to be fearless, brave, fierce. If you are the sort of person who reacts to crises like this...

...then just stop right now. You will not cut the mustard.

Secondly (and quite importantly) you have to be female. 

Sorry, sir. Apply elsewhere.

Third, you need to be able to kick ass if necessary.

Four - you need to be able to look immaculate at all times.

Five, know your way around the kitchen.

Sophia's got the idea.

A little too peppy, methinks.

Better, but all you're doing is boiling water. Careful, you might get a scald.

A bit messy, and you've ruined the eggs.

Well done, Rachael.

I think what it boils down to is you need to keep three images in mind. One...

Brave, fierce..

Two...

courteous, accommodating...

Three...

no slouch with a recipe book.

Oh, and if it helps, just ponder on the images above and below, and it might put you in the right frame of mind. Maybe then you'll get to join the ranks of the Unbelievababes.

Oh, What Webs They Weaved

Ah, yes ... The Three Degrees.

It's come to our attention many of you out there might not know of The Three Degrees. Sad ... but easily correctable. Here's a quick primer which will no doubt jar your memory ...
 









Now, as Jeff mentioned, all three of us contributed to their eventual expertise in crime-fighting. But a major part of their acumen came from their natural talents: Beauty and deception. While you can tell the gals were obvious lookers, this fact was instrumental in sidling up to the bad guys. Cooing up to some guy with an arsenal of weapons, destruction and mayhem will get you far, you know, and that's exactly what The Three Degrees did. Often.

They were good at it. Really good.

But, when the chips were down and their natural charms couldn't sway ne'er-do-wells, that's when they busted out the moves.

Gee Baby I'm Sorry usually got the guys cooled off (or heated up as was sometimes the case). Cuffed, cornered or otherwise in a predicament, When Will I See You Again was the order of the day that brought the softness out in bad guys, opening a door for the girls to surprise them when they let their guard down. (And they usually let their guard down at some point. Men are so predictable.) And Giving Up Giving In? A sort of last resort song crooned in the event things looked grim. It caught baddies unaware every time. What a bunch of lunkheads.

Probably the biggest prop in The Three Degrees formidable bag of tricks, however, was TSOP* (The Sound of Philadelphia). Bust out that tune and criminals thought a dance party had just broken out. Talk about getting caught with your pants down! 

The song's secret? Virtually zero lyrics. Nothing but smooth disco goodness until the very end. I don't care who you are - you can't help but begin toe tapping to TSOP, followed naturally by exaggerated disco dance floor moves. Once caught up in the sound and rhythm, the girls simply stifled their opponents with handy duct tape or scarves or belts.  << BOOM! >> Utter devastation. 

That's when the "Doot doot doo-doo-doo doo, doot doo ... Let's get it on!" (the only lyrics of in the song) came into play. By that time, boondoggled and surprised they were thus fooled, the criminal element could do nothing but hang their heads in shame with the realization they'd been duped, all the while forced to listen to the girls taunt them with "Let's get it on!"

But ... duped by some fine foxy female fortitude.

There's nothing quite like getting the wool pulled over your eyes by women of power.

And The Three Degrees were definitely that. 

*The version of TSOP provided here is the extended 12" version of the song which includes "People all over the world" lyrics. The Three Degrees did not use this particular version when apprehending brigands and hooligans. It has been provided solely for your dining and dancing pleasure. You're welcome.

Unbelievinars: they work!

As mentioned previously, we make ourselves and our expertise available to the public in an effort to improve the overall quality of life for everyone. We do this via our Unbelievinars, an ongoing lecture series covering a wide variety of topics. Like TED talks, only not pointless. We've been doing this for some time now and sometimes we receive testimonials from former students. We recently received this from a graduate (name withheld by request) of one of our most popular classes, "Unbelievaballs: How To Deal With People Stealing Your Stuff, Claiming That It's Their Stuff (course no. UNB12-214)" (note: Our classes deal with very specific topics. This limits class size as well as makes the sessions very short and to-the-point.).

"Dear Unbelievables,
I enjoy going to the beach with my family, but always seemed to get hassled by someone. All the time, there were confrontations with people who thought I was weak and someone they could just walk all over. It was ruining a lifestyle that I truly enjoy. I tried various self-help techniques...

... but they were all basically rip-offs. Then somebody suggested I try Unbelievinars. I was skeptical but reluctantly gave one a try. All I can say is WOW! But that isn't true because I can also say that Unbelievinars have changed my life for the better! I've enclosed a link to a video that shows me actually using your training in a situation that occurred at the beach!
Thank you so much for allwoing me and my family to once again be able to enjoy the beach in peace!"

Here is that video:
Outstanding! Look at all the things he does exactly right:

• He observes them (from a distance) long enough for it to actually be a crime.
• He approaches them in a friendly, non-confrontational manner in order to gain their trust.
• He effectively challenges their laughably stupid attempt at an alibi.
• He gets it all on video.
• Most importantly, he stops recording before administering an "Unbelievabutt-kicking: Inflicting Maximum Damage With Minimum Effort (course no. UNB8-147)" (note: We absolutely do not endorse hitting women under any circumstances, but there are ways to kick butt without physical contact. Take the course, like this guy did, to find out how.)

As instructors, this warms our hearts.

I'm sure Jeff and Michael have other examples of testimonials from satisfied, successful students.

Keep Calm and Let Us Do The Butt-Kicking Stuff

Here's an example of one of our fliers that are aimed at reassuring the general public (i.e. YOU) and attempting to create a warm fuzzy atmosphere in these United States and beyond. We want people to remain calm and not be afraid of too much, for reasons that Clark so eloquently laid out on Monday. So I took it upon myself to create some images that can be used as fliers, posters or billboards around the world. In the one above, we use an image of the not-very-scary-but-tries-to-be failed Unbelievable Chuck Norris, who learned everything he knows from us and then tried to make a quick buck out of it. It's an ironic image - he thinks he's badass but he really isn't.

People around the globe have phobias and fears of everything from the Russians to spiders to gay people to egg foo young, and all manner of things in between, so it's our hope that by distributing these fliers with positive messages of calmness and reassurance on them, the world will become a happier, calmer, less scary place. Calmer happier people = less stupid stuff to worry about = easier cases to solve for us crime fighting types. If people are assured that we'll deal with the really heavy stuff, then everything else is just so much bellybutton lint.

Here's a few more I'm working on, so look out for these in your neighbourhood soon.