Unbelievabots and other projects that have yet to pay off

The plot of the current cinematic blockbuster "Avengers: Age of Ultron" has something to do with some form of Artificial Intelligence (also known as Fake Smarts or FS) that becomes sentient and uncontrollable. Interesting to me, in that I have been working on advanced robotics for a number of years with little to no success. This in spite of my solid scientific method:

• Build something out of metal that looks like a human: legs, arms, torso, head with face including mouth and eyes (nose optional).
• Toss a motor of some sort inside. I prefer a classic Briggs and Stratton; if it's good enough for lawnmowers and go-carts, it should be good enough for a robot.
• Leave outside to be struck by lightning.

You'd think this place would be crawling with sentient robots by now, hanging out everywhere and contemplating mortality and other existential concepts, but so far, nothing.

Failure and surrender are two words that aren't really part of The Unbelievables vocabulary so I plan on sticking with it. Jeff and Michael have their own pet projects that have yet to yield completely satisfactory results. I'll let them tell you all about it later this week. 

(Not So) Unbelievable

 

We're guys.
(Yes ... suave, tailored, fashionable, trendy guys ... but still, deep down, we're guys ...) 

And being guys entails a lot. Lots. Tons. 

There's a whole bevy of things we think and do and get in trouble for that "reasonable" people (i.e. women) wouldn't even begin to consider. *snort*

But, as stated: We're guys.

We're bred to mess with things. Annoy. Tinker. Challenge. Boast. Mess with. Do better.

That being said, if there's anyone out there who thinks three guys in a base of operations get along 24/7, then they've never been with a group of guys for any length of time. Put us in a group and there's going to be conflict of one sort or another. It's inherent.

So no ..., Jeff, Clark and I don't always get along.

And that's okay. Really ... it is. Our different likes and dislikes are what fosters our competitive natures. Our differences highlight our various strengths. They're what cause us to virtually slap each other on the back in congratulation when something goes exceedingly well. That and an unexpected wedgie every once in a while is what camaraderie is all about.

But, oh ... the times we're at each other's throats (metaphorically speaking, of course) ...

Those times? Not necessarily our finest moments:

"All right ... who ate the last of my cherries!?? Especially when you guys don't even like cherries ... ?!??"

Is there any doubt this is Jeff's favorite scene

in Close Encounters Of The Third Kind?

Jeff: "Is it Tuesday? I'm dying for some whipped potatoes. I can't even remember the last time we had whipped potatoes ..."

Clark and I in unison: "Yesterday! Which was Tuesday!"

"Michael! The Unbelieva-Babes are not a ladder!"

Jeff: "Who unplugged the steam to my computer? Do you have any idea how long it takes for me to get this thing fired up ... ?!?"

Yet another of Clark's hundreds of home made robots ...

Clark: "Hey, guys! Wanna see the new robot I made last night?!?"

Jeff and I in unison: "NO ... !!!"

Clark: "Michael ... that's the fifth time you've played 'Hot Rod Lincoln' this morning. Can you please find something else to listen to ... ?!?"

Jeff: "Michael? We appreciate you cooking dinner, but ... Clark and I would appreciate it more if you'd put some pants on when you do so ... all right?"

"Clark! I stepped on your pet Stegosaurus last night when I got up to go to the bathroom. How many times have I told you to put away your dinosaur collection when you're done with it ... ?!?"


Clark: "Michael? Do us a favor: Put some pants on when you answer the doorbell from now on ... please ..."

Jeff: "Guys! Whipped potatoes tonight ... okay?"

Clark and I in unison: "NO ... !!!"

"Michael? While Clark and I encourage your nude volleyball proclivities with enthusiasm and vigor uniquely your own, we think doing so in the main lobby is not the proper place to do so. And especially when there are customers present ..."

Clark: "I'm gonna go wash the 'Vette guys. Back in a few ..."

"Again? Didn't you wash it earlier this morning?"

Jeff: "Anyone up for a whipped potato sammich for lunch?"

Clark and I in unison: "NO ... !!!"

Believe me ... it gets worse ...

What Up, Droid?

So ... you might be wondering:

"I wonder what Clark's doing today?"

Well ... he's listening to the "weird vibrational multi-sonic effects and electronic melodies created for the ears of androids."

What else would he be doing?

... and, of course, Clark approves!

We Are Chameleons

Yes, it's true - we love robots, and we love disguises. Michael once told me he loved disguises so much that he wished he could do it more often. "It's like playing dress-up at preschool - except we're grownups!" he declared. And I guess in a way, that's true. Speaking of preschool, here's the day we accidentally wore matching outfits at preschool and Miss O'Hannigan nearly had a conniption fit. Our mums did laugh when they saw us!

Anyway, our skill in the disguise department rubbed off on our two honorary Unbelievables, The Flight Of The Conchords. They loved the robot outfits above all else.

So it's Bret and Jemaine we have to thank, as they came up with a genius idea - hold an Unbelievinar™ on the art of disguise. We went with it, and who do you think rolled up for the first class? A certain young English musician named David Jones (at least, that's what his name was back in those days). He took our lessons to heart and has since made a career out of re-inventing himself every few years. Here's a little collage of photos of Mr. Jones (or should I say, Bowie) to illustrate my point. Yes folks, believe it or not, these are all pictures of Bowie. And it's all thanks to us.

We also designed and sold our own Disguise Kits, and they were an instant hit. Yes folks, the UnbelievaDisguises™ sold in the thousands. The UnbelievaMasks™ were so lifelike it was scary.

One of them, though, had to be withdrawn as it was scaring little kids, although I fail to see what the problem is.

Anyway, gotta run as we have to go check the prototypes of our Paul Shaffer wigs and David Letterman teeth. See you next time!

Modelled here by G. Busey.

Back to the drawing board.

Robots? You bet I love 'em!

Of course I love robots! What's not to like? They build our cars. They explore our outlying planets. They provide pursuit vehicles for our cats.

Star Wars? That whole thing was a story about what hapens to two robots. They're awesome!
When it comes to disguises, I'm all about robots. Let's face it, we're living in a world dominated by technology. What better way to fit in and not be noticed (the purpose of disguisery) than as a robot? Also, disguising yourself as a human takes a lot of work. You have to take on new vocal characteristics and physical mannerisms and actually become another person. You can't just throw on a rubber mask and act like you usually do. Because then people say things like, "why does Jeff look so rubbery?". If you don't have the time to commit to becoming a character, it's best to make like The Transformers. Except it's not "Robots In Disguise", more like "Robots As Disguise".
Here are some basics do's and don'ts when it's time for you to...

• DO make lots of beeps and blurps. That's robot language! "Beep boop boop beep bop boop beep beep boop beep!" That isn't just nonsense; if you say it correctly, it's Marissa Rapier's home phone number.
• DO include lots of gauges, buttons and light bulbs. People are put off by intricate techno-gadgets. The more stuff there is to look at, the less likely somebody is to examine you, allowing you to remain undetected.
• DO be shiny. Everybody knows robots are made out of space-age polymers and stuff, material that is naturally shiny. Nobody is going to give you any credibility if you show up for a high-tech stakeout looking like this:

Pity, maybe. But not credibility. Although, sometimes credibility is overrated...

• DO talk in a stiff, monotone voice. Nothing is creepier than robot voices that try to sound human (think: the automated systems you encounter when you call your cable provider). Stick with the "TAKE-ME-TO-YOUR-LEADER" cadence and you'll be fine (okay, I know that's something that Martians say, not robots, but you get the idea). 
• DON'T do "The Robot". I know it's tempting, but just... don't, okay? Don't.
• And as always, DO be prepared to rescue any and all damsels in distress.

  

  Beep! HELLO-LADY! Boop!

Here are some declassified photos of The Unbelievables in action, to give you some focus...

Notice how we're just standing there, in the middle of a public street and nobody is paying any attention to us? Perfect! This allowed us to nab the band of criminals who had turned all the traffic lights red in Seattle.

Here we are leading a frightened mob to safety shortly after a nuclear plant went haywire in Ohio; "Beep, boop, beep, FOLLOW-US-IF-YOU-WANT-TO-LIVE-AND-IGNORE-THE-IRONY-THAT-THE-SAME-TECHNOLOGY-THAT-IS-SAVING-YOUR-LIVES-IS-THE-SAME-TECHNOLOGY-THAT-PUT-YOU-ALL-IN-DANGER-IN-THE-FIRST-PLACE. Boop, beep, boop."
So now you have all you need to walk undetected among the machines like a pro.
Happy robot-ing!

Disguises

Disguises: Some work ... some don't.

We all know this.

Remember that one Halloween? You had that great idea for a costume, nothing was going to stop you from doing it and you did it? You showed up at the party and, as it happened to turn out, they had a "Worst Dressed" prize ... and you won it?

You can't expect to use a half-dry Sharpie applied directly to your face
to work wonders in the disguise game

Yeah. We've all been there. The same with The Unbelievables. Sometimes our disguises work ... sometimes they don't. Here are a few examples:

 

Infiltrating a playground scam, we came across as adorable. 

 As triplets? Not so much.

But ... we got the job done ... and quickly.

There's a lot to be said for a convenient pair of glasses. (Clark Kent, anyone?) Don a pair and you can become whoever you want.

Villains are often confused at the site of obvious 3D specs.

We're not quite certain why ...)

Then, there's the all important moustache. A good moustache can be virtual "money in the bank" so to speak when it comes to disguises. 

This was a gas of a case:
We successfully foiled a deadly French recording scam as "Les Moustaches" ...
... but we lost international field operative Felipé (in black jacket) in the process.

 
Yes ... all three of us do Elvis well ...

 
... I mean ... really well ...

 
Once? The need arose were I was required to disguise myself
as Hal 9000 from Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey"
(actual photo of me dressed as Hal 9000)

 
 You'd never know this is Clark ... would you?
 

 As well, you'd never know this was Jeff, either ...

Then? There's Clark and his damned robots. I don't know what it is with him and robots (maybe he'll reveal all when he takes his turn on the subject of disguises) but the dude is bonkers about them. It goes without saying Robbie The Robot is one of his favorites ... or it was the last time anyone asked him. I could be wrong.

On one particular case all three of us were "required" (Clark's words) to don robot apparel. And I'll admit: We were pretty convincing:

Left to right: Jeff, Michael, Clark

The guys will tell you and, hopefully, display a few photos of some of our other clandestine outfits used to flummox the baddies and win the day. They might offer other useful tips as well.