For Your Consideration

Unbelievinars™ are sure popular with everyone! We got so dogged by demands for more and more of them, on such a variety of topics, that we put out a call for more and more guest speakers at our Unbelievamininars™, and got sent a bunch of emails, photos, letters, and videos from people who are eager to share their collective wisdom and talents with a waiting world.

Like Unbelievinar™ graduate Frank Ferrone, who is keen to demonstrate the correct etiquette for hosting a BBQ and fondue party.

"Dear Unbelievables, please consider my one-day intensive course on how to be stone cold munchin' at a high class luncheon and still impress the ladies! Yours, Frank."

The Hotpants Syndicate, with their 'Hotpants 101' Fashion Show and try-before-you-buy...

Louisa Malteser, with "98 Ways With Pasta"...

Denise and Teresa Malteser (and pals), with "Make That 99 Ways"

The Bikini Twins, with "Hot Dogs Are Life, Hot Dogs Are Love"...

La Familia Malteser, with "Spaghetti Weirdness 2.0"...

And Vincent Price, with "Stabbing Meat For Fun And Profit"...

All of those are currently under consideration from the boys and myself. So look out for further notifications of these and other classes popping up in a neighbourhood near you in the not too distant future.

Footnote: We sometimes get sent videos for classes that sound interesting but turn out to be very strange indeed. We got sent this one by a lady calling herself 'Auntie Angel' and claiming to be some sort of 'sexpert'. Well, naturally, we were interested, but when we saw the video below, we were stunned and then horrified. The video purports to be some kind of tutorial about orally pleasuring a man with the use of a grapefruit. We were still interested if a little perplexed, so we manfully pressed on, until the lady whipped out a (ahem) rubber man-part and simulated fellatio on said item. That part was visually fine, but apparently she had just dropped a live squid into a garbage disposal unit right at the same moment. At least, that's what it sounded like...

Oh, and before I show you this, I should add...NSFW!!!
The 2:45 mark is where it gets weird.



One thing is for sure. 'Auntie Angel' will most definitely NOT be teaching any Unbelievamininars™ any time soon.

If We Had To Do The Same Again, We Would, My Friend

Fernando. Can it really be that this man, this, this... piece of work, is the one behind all the shenanigans related to the Polar Vortex? Yes, indeed it is, as Michael has ably demonstrated on Wednesday.

Fernando's ability to start rumours and turn them into global maelstroms of mood, fashion trends on the Fujita Scale that have style aficionados slobbering like an overweight St. Bernard on the hottest day of the Summer, has been enough over the years to get us scratching our heads in wonder. 

Have you ever walked down a busy street and seen someone wearing something that makes you go "What the...?" Or perhaps you've observed something in a shop window that leaves you agog and confused? That's Fernando's handiwork. 

Maybe you heard a new hit song on the radio and thought to yourself "Whoever buys that claptrap must be out of their tiny mind!" Again, Fernando is exercising his power of influence.

Here's a few examples of the man's skills...

The popularity of roadside pink elephants has not waned over the years, and that's all due to Fernando.

The incomprehensible popularity of girl band Stooshe? His fault.

The fact that girls no longer wear hot pants on a regular basis? Fernando at work again.

So how does the man exercise such worldwide influence on everyone? And to what end?

He has a global network, much like ourselves. Fingers in every pie. People from all walks of life who will do his evil bidding. They willingly go around wearing dumb clothes, creating awful music, introducing terrible products into shop inventories (see below)...

...and people, like sheep, start copying the dumb-clothes-wearers, buying the rubbish music, and buying crap cookies. Not only that, but all he has to do is let his operatives know to start making a big deal about how cold it is in the middle of freakin' winter, for Pete's sake, and next thing you know everyone's carrying on something fierce about how it's the worst winter ever. 

Why he does it is down to one thing: POWER. He gets off on being able to dictate the whims of the world. Plain and simple. It's an addiction. The more he does it, the more he wants to do it. But the man has an Achilles heel - wallcoverings. Yes, wallpaper, paint, friezes and frescoes, he loves them all. So he's the reason Farrow & Ball paints are inexplicably popular and wildly expensive at the same time. The reason people think stuff like this..

is cool, for pity's sake!

Well, I can now divulge that we Unbelievables have a plan to stop him. Oh, and it's so darned sneaky, like a sniper moving into position in Fallujah. We have been able to locate Fernando, and we have invited him out for 'coffee'... only there's no coffee! No, we are gonna hit him with a devastating assault on his weird wallcovering-obsessed senses. First of all, here's where we are taking him for 'coffee'...

Then we are going to ask him to peruse through a book of wallpaper samples...

Like this one...

this one...

this really cool one...

that one...

and lastly, this one, from my Grandma's bathroom.

Then some paint swatches from Super Kem-Tone...

then we'll take him to our favourite bar for 'drinks'...

the interior of which looks like this...

and then round to Clark's Grandma's house for a few late night nibbles in her kitchen...

while listening to the vocal stylings of Kay Martin and her Body Guards...

So what if it's not Christmas?

and then on to a local eaterie for breakfast...

by which time Fernando will have been subjected to such a sensory attack that not only will his opinions have changed for the better, but he'll also swear off the rumour mill. It's an absolutely foolproof plan. So - fingers crossed for the weekend...

"Can you hear the drums, Fernando?"
"No, that's The Unbelievables on the phone. By the way, what's wrong with your finger?"

Ciao!

Denouement of the Double D Dilemma

For the life of us, we couldn't figure out what was going on with Michael. What had its insidious hooks in him and who was behind it? Through much hard work, keen detective-ing and a veritable pile of thoroughly kicked asses, we were able (as always) to get to the bottom of it. Turns out it was this guy:

Mac Ramey, would-be international fashion criminal.
Ramey was using the Double D's and the allure of their hot pants to implement his grand plan to destroy not only the world of fashion but the entire garment industry by having people make their own clothes of yarn and rope and string. As the designer of these "fashions" as well as the single largest shareholder in this company...

...he stood to become a very powerful and wealthy man. With Michael incapacitated, Jeff and I turned to Ulf, the Unbelievadog to help take Ramey down before he could fully carry out his fiendish plot.

"AAGGH! GET HIM OFF ME! HE'S CHEWING MY FRINGE!!"
Good boy, Ulf. Good boy.

Good thing too, because if not, you all would have been walking around in stuff like this:

As for Michael, we never did find out what actually took such firm control of his mind but thanks to years of ongoing therapy, we have our partner back. Unfortunately, he is still prone to relapse. So if you ever see him out and about wearing these...

Um, there's no wallet in that pocket...

...please call us immediately.

Just Another Rock-n-Roll Bodyguard Story

As Clark made you all aware on Monday, there have been many times when we have undertaken bodyguard-type work. Michael refers to these times as "a little extra sum-sum'pn" but I prefer to think of them as "slow crime weeks". See, when there's not enough bad guys out there to vanquish, things can get a little thin over at the Unbelieva-base.

At least there's beer.

Now, because we were so well-known around Vegas and Tinseltown, not to mention the Great White Way, Tin Pan Alley and La-La-Land (and Disney World), we had been asked many times if we offered personal protective services, by which we mean this...

Not this.

So, in order to keep the wolf from the door, we decided to take on a few clients and keep the fridge fully stocked.

Just can't get good help these days.

One of our first clients was the actor Karl Malden, who felt the need to hire bodyguards when he embarked upon a recording career and felt certain he would be mobbed wherever he went.

Sadly for Mr. Malden, this was not only his only recording, but the only copy ever sold. Well, that's not specifically true - he actually gave us this copy, then 'borrowed' five bucks from Michael one day and 'forgot' to return it.

We also met a musical group of young'uns who were big fans of ours. Such big fans, in fact, that they did a pastiche of one of the more famous pictures of us, from one of our early cases where we employed the services of Schlomo McCaskill, the world's only Scottish-Jewish-American FBI agent. Here's the original...

And their version...

They called themselves Jiminy Christmas and The Fires of Molech, but we thought that was a bit wordy and just called them dorks. However, we offered them our services, and it worked out for a while. Because we needed to protect our identities, we went in disguise as another band, which helped us to blend in seamlessly.

Here we are as "The Spontaneous Cheese Polka Experience". Now that's a band name.

It all went belly-up with Jiminy after a while, when they failed to secure a record deal and went their separate ways. We only had one more musical client after that, and it was this character.

As you can see, his name is not worth remembering, but he thought he was something when Dick Dale, after one too many adult beverages, agreed to let him play at his club. Big mistake. This dude literally never wore clothes anywhere if he could avoid doing so. We got really fed up with escorting a nudist about. So when he took the stage, believe me, he needed protecting. However, by this point we'd had enough of his naked shenanigans and had left the building.

I'm sure he's OK and made it out alive.

Michael will let you know about some of our other bodyguard assignments on Friday. Till then... ciao!

Crocheting Is Cool!

Hey, Gals! 

Are you a do-it-yourselfer? Do you like the satisfaction of creating from your very own hand? And have you ever dream of being an Unbelieva-Babe? 

Well, as luck would have it, you can have it all! 

Unbelievably, Wyco Yarns is still in business after all these years (even we were surprised!) and they're ready and waiting to take your orders right now! In no time at all, you'll have crocheted your very own hot pants just like some of our very own Unbelieva-Babes ... !!!

Order today!

Hint: Avocado is one of our favorite colors.