More and other bad ideas

When you're like us, you've got ideas firing off all the time. Morning, noon and night, it's just an endless stream of notions to help make people's lives better. The law of averages is that they can't all be great. Just know that every substandard invention we show you here is offset by about 40 awesome ones.

That said, let's take a look at some of these turkeys (not the good kind, that you eat with stuffing and stuff)...

RADIOVISION

THE IDEA: Actually see your favorite radio programs instead of just listening to them like some boob!
THE (failed) EXECUTION: I took the back off of an AM radio and strapped it on my Uncle Neil's head. He liked being able to see inside of a radio while listening, and I guess there's entertainment value in that. Certainly the experience would have been more enjoyable if radios had any moving parts. Like, any. At all.
PS: My Uncle Neil still has this prototype and it continues to be his preferred means of following his beloved Chicago Cubs, even after baseball season ends.
PPS: Nobody likes my Uncle Neil.

YODELING METER

THE IDEA: Not what it looks like; the meter isn't measuring her yodeling. It's a standard household water meter that yodels when you use the bathtub, flush the toilet, run a faucet, etc.
THE (failed) EXECUTION: I had hoped that it would cut down on water waste but I overestimated people's hatred of yodeling. Turns out, some people actually enjoy it.

BOTTLE TAPPER

THE IDEA: Who has time to leave a bottle upright and pour the contents into glasses as needed when you can invert it and attach it to a device that uses the power of gravity to dispense sparkling beverages and needs to be cleaned thoroughly after every time you use it?
THE (failed) EXECUTION: Everybody, as it turns out.

HAM PLATES

THE IDEA: I know you're looking at the "truck nuts" but we would never come up with something that lame. No, this is about the license plate made of potted pork meat product, which was supposed to be a survival aid if you had no provisions and got lost in the woods or something.
THE (failed) EXECUTION: Illegible, delicious (dogs chasing you everywhere).

SHADY HAND

THE IDEA: The Original Sun Visor! 3-D! One Size Fits All! (Sorry, only available in Caucasian)
THE (failed) EXECUTION: Not enough people this stupid:

THE "TAKE THAT!" SATCHEL

THE IDEA: Fend off would-be muggers by aggressively firing the contents of one's valise at them.

THE (failed) EXECUTION: Most would-be muggers took the name literally because they don't mind the relatively minor inconvenience of picking up the contents of one's valise off the sidewalk. 

They Can't All Be Winners

Of course, not all our inventions are spot on successes, you know.

Let me showcase a few that didn't cut the mustard* ...

"Light Up That Fag" was plagued with all sorts of faulty issues. (The invention moniker being one of them.) Developed for smokers to partake while out in the rain, the little umbrella kept catching fire or blowing over in the wind (attempts to sturdy the pole of the umbrella at the time were met with heavier and heavier materials, thus advancing jaw aches), storage issues when not in use and more glitches I'd rather not go into.
 

 As well, "Double Your Enjoyment" did nothing but dramatically shorten the life of cigarettes. Additionally, the filtering system used often caused one smoker to inhale the other's exhalations. (*eewwwww*)

"Curly Bed" was a smash hit at first ... until people started stretching in their sleep, falling to the floor and being awakened violently. (Eventually, more than a few emergency room visits were the nail in the coffin for this product.)

The "Kick and Catch" (the at-the-time latest and greatest in innovative exercise and fishing accouterments) kept getting caught in swimmers' bathing gear. And, if you used them sans swim trunks, there was always the possibility other "things" might end up on the business side of a hook, if you know what I mean.
 

"The Hammerhead"® allowed construction workers to pound nails not only in a single swipe but with 99.6% accuracy. Additional attachments (the "boom and gone" snap on bonus attachment seen in the photo above) allowed for effortless demolition projects. Overall? Pretty nifty. Unfortunatley, severe concussions were an ongoing issue.
 

"Insta-Bald" gave users the immediate gratification of seeing what they would look like bald. But it was discovered this was a one-use product; once donned, there was no reason to go back for seconds. ("Good grief! I look terrible bald!)
 

The "Kid Cry Crusher" needed more R&D ...
 

... and "Shower Hood" users were often subject to too many accidental deaths from asphyxiation.
 

"Keep My Soup Crackers Crispy, Bub!" was a failure from the start ...
 

... and "Stick It, Butter!" found itself too popular, resulting in unprecedented high cholesterol rates.

I know what you're saying: "I can hardly wait to see what Clark has for us tomorrow, Unbelievaguys!"

Right?

*Whose ideas were these? Was it one single Unbelievable ... or was it a collaboration of Jeff, Clark and myself? Did two of us put our heads together and come up with that first one? With a different gentleman taking the place of another for Butter Stick? I'm not telling ...

We're Inventive

One thing you may or may not know about us Unbelieva-chaps is that in our spare time (which is few and far between, let me tell ya) we like to tinker with ideas and invent stuff. The same creative blue sky out-of-the-box thinking that leads us to create remarkable weaponry or insane defensive skills (such as the memorable Lobster Rage Fist) also helps us to invent things that can be used by the general public, hi-tech businesses or even law enforcement agencies. Here's a few exciting examples of ones I myself have created.

You've all heard of 'telecommuting', right? What used to be known as 'working from home'? This little setup is something I came up with to help the home worker to feel more relaxed and ready to work - after all, you can't do your best work unless you've had plenty of rest, can you? So this idea ensures that at the slightest hint of drowsiness, you can catch forty winks without having to go anywhere, letting you wake refreshed and raring to go. Of course, the bedsores are an embarrassing side effect, so a quick walk around the house once a day makes sure you don't end up with any muscle wastage or suppurating thigh issues.

Want to open a motel but strapped for cash? Get a few old caravans and trailers for cheap and weld them together. Then simply sit back and let the money roll in. You are welcome.

The 'Motor-Cage' lets motorcycle cops cuff'em and stuff'em just like the guys in the cruisers. Just a simple sidecar conversion and you are good to go.

Another simple sidecar conversion, and covert surveillance now comes on three wheels. I call this one the "Motor-Rollei", geddit? Anyone? Is this thing on?

The ladies of the Pickle-On-The-Wold Women's Institute were very keen to try out my designs for kitchen safety goggles. Cake making can get so messy - all that flour and butter and jam flying all over the place.

Of course, it's very easy for a filmmaker to simply mount a camera on the front of a car for those action scenes, but I managed to convince the makers of The Fast and The Furious that a camera alone lacked that human touch, so together we devised a rig so that I could film the action myself while on board a moving vehicle. It was quite a rush, and I think the results speak for themselves.

Joshua Heap and Company bought my design for an apple peeler-corer-slicer, but then went ahead and did something completely different with it. Ah well, I got paid, so everyone was happy.

Here's a preview of my "Robo-Gyno" design for busy obstetricians - still a work in progress, but it's got potential.

(Not sure what this is doing here.)

The guys will tell you all about some of their inventions later in the week. Meantime, I'm off to strap myself to the front fender of a school bus - we're doing a Partridge Family reboot in which the bus is involved in a high-speed chase against Henry Rollins and Haley Joel Osment across Nevada.

What can I tell ya? They've downsized.