Even we can't win 'em all

This isn't easy to admit, but we have failed. We tried everything in our power as kick ass crimefighters and sexy trendsetters but we have come up short.

We have been unable to put an end to twerking.

Worse, we can't even seem to get people to stop talking about it. This has been a real head-scratcher. It's not like this is a universally popular thing. It's entirely possible that nobody you know even does it. Really, it's a relatively small segment of the population who actively engage in it. Mostly, it's just Miley Cyrus. Yet its hold on the consciousness of the general public remains firm.
We're not that worried about it. Most dance crazes run their course and peter out eventually. And being as we ourselves have been the inspiration for popular dances over the years, well, we're more bemused than anything. Here are some examples. I'm sure you'll remember these:

Here we see some young hipsters "Jeffing". It looks complicated but not really. Step one: You and your lady start moving and grooving. Step two: You're joined by another couple and you point to bugs crawling on the kitchen floor. Step three: You all team up to teach those bugs a lesson. I have no idea why, but that's "Jeffing".

When it comes to "Clarking", the object is simple, although the execution is difficult; spell out the letters in my name, C-L-A-R-K. These two are executing a perfect C. By the time they get to K, if they can pull off the R, his spine will be hopelessly dislocated and she will have rendered herself unable to bear children. This dance was never declared forbidden but people stopped doing it out of self-preservation.

These folks are "Michaeling". This is one dance that one of us, specifically Michael, was actively involved in creating and spreading. It looks like an old fashioned conga line but what happens here is a bunch of people line up behind one another and pull down each others pants. Then they go out and play volleyball. Or something. Michael explained it once but it kinda creeped me out so I didn't pay attention.

We Bust Moves ... Really

Since the guys have brought out some of our many musical "moves"  - some with The Unbelievatones, others misplaced with the hip hop stylings of James Todd Smith - I would be remiss if I didn't mention one of The Unbelievables' little known side notes, the history-making artist Marvin Young.

You might know Marvin Young better as ... "Young MC."

Yes ... that Young MC.

Our association with Marvin is far and wide. Regardless of the fact some think him a one-hit wonder, there are numerous career highs in which we were instrumental with him. For example? We introduced him to Tone Lōc where he collaborated with Lōc on his hits "Wild Thing" and "Funky Cold Medina". Our biggest accomplishment, however, lies in his 1989 hit "Bust A Move," a tune Clark, Jeff and myself instigated and inspired him to record ...




Yep. We were the motivation for this dance floor standard. 

But little has been revealed about our behind-the-scenes contributions where Young MC is concerned. We can't comment to his history with Delicious Vinyl (his original record label) nor can we state what we did to get that Best Rap Performance Grammy on his mantle for "Bust A Move." As a matter of fact, we'd look away if you quizzically asked if we were at all instrumental in his debut's U.S. platinum sales status, the Billboard 200 Stone Cold Rhymin'.

You can say this was one of the biggest hip hop success no one knows the truth about.
 
But ... we're okay with that.

I mean ... The Unbelievables are just three white guys. 

But ... with fa-shiz rhythm, yo ...

U Can't Touch The Unbelievables

Well, I'm MC Jeff, I'm really mellow
I'm a cold Unbelievable fellow
Rappin' in da place to be
'Bout issues that affect you and me
I got my homies here, they're so so def
Clark is on my right, Michael to my lef'
So what's the story, what's to do
What makes me tick is what's buggin' you
So I'll tell ya a story, bust some rhymes
If y'all can spare a little time...


So began the song I had planned for the B-side to what would have been our first single, had it not been for some unscrupulous A&R man mixing up our demo tape with a tape belonging to some chappie named James Todd Smith. Oh yeah, that's right. We wanted the fame, the glory, to be rap stars. We knew all the lingo. 

Now you say it. Ghet-to-bla-ster!

We totally dug the fashions. They were so dope, weren't they?

That's hype!

Hellloo, ladies...

Word.

The upshot? Smith got a record deal, and we were back to playing shopping malls. Well, I say playing.. I don't mean officially playing... it was more like busking, really. Wasn't really paying the bills, yo. Which is when we hit upon the idea of travelling around with the Unbelievabox, doing on-the-spot PSAs as Clark revealed in Monday's post. Much more satisfying and helpful, on the whole. I'll let Michael explain more about the world of hip-hop and get back to listening to this fresh new rhyme on my Walkman. "Said a hip, hop, get hip to the hippy..."

P.S. Oh, and James Todd Smith? What the heck happened to him?

Hip to the hop, we are

Sometimes people say stuff to us. Like, "You know, you guys are always talking about musicians and music. Did it ever occur to you to form a band of your own?" Well, of course we formed a band! Didn't we mention that? I guess maybe we didn't. Huh. Sorry about that. Anyway, here's a brief history of that, how it ended and where we are now.
We had the idea a very long time ago to close out each of our adventures with a song that kind of summed up the case and that children could enjoy and learn from, an idea that was stolen by Fat Albert, The Archies, Josey and the Pussycats and The Groovy Ghoulies among others. We started out playing rock n roll but couldn't decide who would be the lead singer because we all wanted to be the lead singer. We tried that for a while, with all three of us being lead singers and a band of anonymous session musicians (The Unbelievatones) playing behind a curtain (so as not to distract people from looking at us).
As you might imagine, it was difficult in terms of cost and logistics to haul musicians and their instruments around the world with us, having them hang out at a hotel pool, waiting for us to wrap up a case so they could play a single song. Boy, were we happy to embrace rap music!

Some time around 1985, we fired the Unbelievatones, constructed the ultimate boombox (The Unbelievabox), got some parachute pants, wrote some dope freestyles and we were on our way to influencing the youth of the nation in a language they truly understand. We know it's effective because people have told us so. Like this letter we got a while back...

Dear Unbelieveables,
We used to be worried about our son Waldo and what he was doing with his life. He was a juvenile delinquent and we feared for his future. Then one day, a terrifying high-speed chase in our town ended with a drug dealer's car flipping over and exploding on our front lawn. We ran out of the house to see what was happening and we saw you three jump out of your expensive sports car and start rapping about how you shouldn't be a drug dealer unless you wanted to die burning in a hunk of twisted metal on somebody's suburban lawn. It obviously had a profound effect on Waldo as he stopped his illegal activities and became a professional DJ! Although, he is 33 now and still lives at home, which is not exactly ideal...

I get so choked up by that story that I've never been able to finish reading the whole thing. It's just so rewarding to know that we've had such an impact on the lives of young people, not only our actions but with our lyrical flow as well. For example, here's a verse that I wrote:

Well my name is Clark and I'm here to say

I fight against crime every single day

Crime is bad. I mean, it's no good

It decreases property values in your neighborhood.

Now, don't be a fool; stay in school.

It's the only way for you to be cool.

Help old ladies to cross the street

You can do it, to a funky beat

Pet stray doggies on the head

Make sure they've had rabies shots or you could be dead

Recycle all your bottles and cans

Don't make fun of Justin Bieber fans

Go to bed at a decent hour

Make sure you don't stink; take a shower

Above all else, you should try to be kind

Go downtown and read to the blind

Always eat your vegetables

If you wanna grow up to be Unbelievable

We have so much more to say

Let Jeff and Michael take it away!

I'll let the other guys take the opportunity to show off some of their amazing rhyming abilities over the next couple of days, yo.