The Old Mailbag Once Again

Letters, we get letters ...

Hey, Unbelievables:

Will you be performing any "tricks" for any trick or treaters that come your way All Hallow's Eve?

Jimbo

Yes. Of course. That's what Halloween is all about, not just handing out candy and goodies to all the little demons and princess that come knocking at our door.

Treats ...

... and possible "tricks" ...

Dear Unbelievables: 

What's the number one thing you guys will be handing out this Halloween? 

Inquiring minds and all that

Well, it just so happens we have a ton of Girl Scout cookies so ...

Yeah ... we have "a few" left ...

You Unbelievables ...

You're downright kooky, you know it? You really expect us to believe guys like you have nothing better to do than sit around on Halloween night and answer the door and hand out stuff to kids? I thought you three were suave men about town? Kinda sounds like catering to common trick or treaters is something way, way beneath you.

Signed, "Unbelievable" In His Own Way

Hey, Unbelievable-Wannabee, here's a news flash for you: Yes, we're suave men about town. But you forgot snappy dressers, crime-fighting experts and, most importantly, upstanding citizens. It falls on us to set good examples in the community ... and what better way to do that by contributing to the spirit of Halloween? What are you, a communist?!?

Dear Guys:

Creepy movies are "a thing" this time of year. But I'm afraid of them. They give me nightmares and keep me up at night. But it's all my friends want to do as the end of the month draws nearer. Any suggestions?

Thanks! Signed "Fearful"

Yeah ... grow a pair. Or we'll send the Boogie Man your way. Seriously.

"Fearful" will recognize this guy when he sees him.

Jeff and Clark have more responses to (sometimes questionable) queries from the general public that might be related to Day Of The Dead Celebrations, Thanksgiving or what have you. I don't open their mail so I wouldn't know. Just stay tuned ...

Playing By The Rules, With Odd-Shaped Balls

Well, the guys have expounded at length regarding the game of Unbelievaball. In fact, they've said so much about the game and how it should be played in a gentlemanly rather than violent fashion, how there are three teams rather than two, and generally every other aspect save how the game is played. Yes, the rules. 

The rules are fiendishly simple, yet simply fiendish.

As you know, there are three teams of three. Let me use a simple diagram to illustrate the layout of said game.

As you may expect, in a game with three teams, there are three sides to the pitch. In the center of the pitch is a large circular "goal", itself divided into three sections. 

The players stand as illustrated - two at either end of the "home line" and the third defending their section of the goal.

The ball itself is deliberately odd-shaped.

It may only be handled with the hands, head, chest, elbows, knees or groin. No kicking is allowed.

GAME PLAY

As you might expect, the game has three periods which are called "thirds" (duh). Each third is thirteen minutes long.

At the beginning of the game, the first shot is made by the team that wins a tournament of rock/paper/scissors.  The first shot is made by the person on the left side of the "homeline".

The objective is to deposit the ball safely in one of your opponents' goal sections, scoring you one point. However, as game play progresses, if one team seems to have a larger-than-normal advantage in the scoring stakes, the other two teams may decide to 'gang up' on them and work together to block their shots. This is made all the more difficult as gameplay progresses, due largely to the requirement to take a drink after each goal is scored, as well as the fact that 'goalies' can only use the backs of their hands to deflect the ball. Also, goalies are expressly forbidden to knock the ball into the opposing goals themselves - only the two players on the "homeline" are allowed to score. If a goalie knocks it in, it is disallowed unless they accidentally score an 'own goal'.

Between each 'third', teams are required to down at least two cocktails before resuming gameplay. Also, players are required to rotate between thirds so that every player gets a turn in each position. 

Also, trash talking is completely forbidden. Instead, withering sarcasm and dry wit are used.

At the end of the third 'third', the winner is obviously the one with the most points, as long as they can still say 'rubber baby buggy bumpers' six times fast. In the event that they can't, the winner is the one who looks better in slacks.

After the game, all players must strip off and head to the hot tub.

Move aside, Quidditch.

Unbelievaball Explained!

"... I want to leave room for the guys to expound upon

the unique and exciting sport of UNBELIEVABALL ..."

- Clark last post

What you have to understand, first and foremost, is the fact UNBELIEVABALL has an important pre-game ritual to establish the boundaries of the particular game to be played. Of course cocktails are a necessary part of this ritual because any sport worthy of play demands a strict adherence to rules. And in order to stick to those rules you need to hash them out beforehand so everyone's on the same page when it comes to "go time." 

UNBELIEVABALL is no different in that regard. In fact it's rather unique as game play is different every time it's played. So, sitting down to chat about an upcoming game is not only civilized but a necessary part of the process. And what could be more civilized than working things out over a martini or a mai tai or two? Hashing out the necessaries is tantamount to professionalism in our book.

Just as important as the rules, though, is one odd item of note you may have picked up on: That we wear the same uniform as the Unbelieva-Babes who play alongside us. There are a couple reasons for this: 1) We're not afraid to show off what we have (if you know what I mean) and 2) the skimpy duds promote fair play without undue roughhousing. After all, there's not much in the way of padding in that apparel. (Well, that's not entirely true. The ladies have more "padding" than us. We gents have the natural muscle. So it's a win-win all around.) From the start you have to be a man of confidence in order to suit up for UNBELIEVABALL. It's not a game for wimps or those with weak constitutions or image issues.

Interestingly, it's a three-team contest with all teams on the field and jockeying for position at the same time. Needless to say you have to be on your toes at all times. Concentrate on one team too much and the other will capitalize on your folly. That right there is part of the uniqueness of UNBELIEVABALL - using the other teams as allies while, at the same time, realizing you have to keep them at bay from scoring on you. Not an easy task, let me tell you. This makes the game play intense, ultra-strategic and robust all at the same time.

Are there referees or umpires or officials involved? No. This is a game of gentlemanly-ship with clear-cut obedience to the rules put down and agreed to at the beginning of the contest. If you don't follow those rules chaos ensues. And the game isn't a free-for-all. It's a tournament of wills, a mental exercise in strategy and a challenge filled with intrigue. 

Not only that but you have to present a positive image when you're around the Unbelieva-Babes. Their presence is key to playing a fair and valued contest. Hockey and football and the like are fine for the neanderthal set who thrive on the physical prowess of their respective activities; UNBELIEVABALL requires more of a disciplined approach. It's a more satisfying competition than a mere test of brute strength.

Lastly, there's the all-important post-game discussion where Team Clark, Team Jeff and Team Michael review the match and dissect what worked, what didn't and how fabulous the Unbelieva-Babes looked on the field of play. Naturally, post-game cocktails are essential here, too.

And there you have it - UNBELIEVABALL in a nutshell. A cultured, sophisticated sport ... with rockin' uniforms.

But wait. I didn't really detail the actual rules of UNBELIEVABALL, did I? And that's because there are better, more capable men then me who can convey such detail-oriented explanation.

And one of those men just might be named Jeff ...

UnbelievaBall!

Aside from Halloween and all the holiday madness that immediately follows that, this is also an interesting time of year in that all of the (North American) major sports leagues are in session at the same time.
Baseball is winding down, (American) football is well into the meat of their season while hockey and basketball are just underway.

These are all fine past-times and we enjoy them as much as anyone. Although, being the dashing men of action that we are, we find them all a bit... tame. So we invented our own sport, which we use to satisfy our competitive urges and stay in fine fit fighting form. We call it (of course) UNBELIEVABALL!

It's a complex game with unique rules and scoring, but we'll try to explain as much as we can to you.

• THERE'S A BALL - Of course there's a ball. Any truly good sport (sorry, hockey) has a ball to throw, catch, hit, kick or fire from a weapon (as is the case with UNBELIEVABALL).
• THERE ARE TEAMS - There are three of us and this is a three-sided game; most sports are Team A vs Team B. UNBELIEVABALL is Team Clark vs Team Micheal vs Team Jeff, all at the same time. As such, we draft members of the Unbelievababes to fill out our rosters.

• THERE ARE UNIFORMS - And we're not sexist, so we wear the same ones.

• THERE'S A PLAYING SURFACE - It's made of grass or wood or what have you and has lines painted on it.
• THERE'S AN OBJECTIVE - The team that scores the most goal unit points wins.

I know this is all kind of vague, but I want to leave room for the guys to expound upon the unique and exciting sport of UNBELIEVABALL!!

Definite Halloween Rejects

You might ask (you might not):

"Hey, Unbelievables ... how did you come by the services of Hal Owen and Tom (B.) Stone for your Halloween costuming needs anyway?"

Well, there's a bit of a story to that.

One September not so long ago the word was put out we were interviewing for consultants. (Bonus: We figured it would be a great way to weed out some of the wannabees who were hankering for a chance to become an Unbelievable, too - an ultra rarity in itself as our readers well know.) Of the hundreds of submissions we received, there were a few standouts, Hal and Tom being the out and out winners of course.

But there were even more jokesters and motorheads who thought their witty natures and "innovative thinking" might be their ticket to an office at the Unbelieva-Base.

Fat chance. Here are a few of those entries:

One gal pushed producing current and past popular celebrities.

But Clark went down that path Wednesday:

No Hollywood studio executives of any kind.

Period.

Someone suggested a dumpster. 

uhmmmmmmmm ... no.

Another thought we shouldn't go as anything,

just stay home and dole out treats and greet our fans.

(And offer some "comical" tricks to any wiseacres ...)

Then there was that one Disney fan

who really wanted us to dress as props from the "It's A Small World" attraction ...

I don't even know why this would be a thing ...

 

A small fry fan of ours offered these suggestions.

Jeff could be "Ashley," "Natalie" for me and Clark as "Alyssa."

We thanked the kid and convinced him in the end

Alyssa was a rather unconvincing, unrealistic interpretation of Clark.

(Though, truth be told, I was rather fond of Natalie ...)

An eyeless stuffed dog passed out after smoking cigarettes.

Really. This was a suggestion.

Lasty, the pièce de résistance was this:

Mayonnaise. Just mayonnaise.

I don't know ... you tell us: Why did we go with Hal Owen and Tom (B.) Stone in the end? And what were their submissions that inevitably got them the jobs*?

*That tale might be fodder for entries later on ...

Off the tops of our heads: NO!

Hal Owen and Tom (B.) Stone are the absolute best at what they do, so by definition they are beyond criticism and reproach.
Still, we're The Unbelievables and there are some hot button topics we don't want to touch for obvious PR-based reasons. So before the two geniuses sit down and start throwing out suggestions, here are some concepts we can reject before they're even offered:

HOLLYWOOD STUDIO EXECUTIVES

PATIO ACCESSORY ENTHUSIASTS

HURRICANE  RELIEF SUPPLY DISTRIBUTORS

UNIFORMED NURSE ESCORTS

There are probably a couple others, but maybe not. I'm sure whatever they come up with will be spectacular!

Ghoulish Costumiers

Well, it's getting close to that time of year when kids dress up strangely and roam the streets, knocking on doors and demanding candy dressed as witches, goblins and spooks. Bunch of small-minded little terrors. Doesn't anyone know how to do costumes properly anymore? 

Of course we Unbelievables always have the greatest costumes for Halloween, largely due to our own unerring sense of style, but also ably assisted by our personal Halloween consultants. Yes, that's right - we can usually do it all by ourselves, but once in a Halloween blue moon, we get stuck in a rut. At a loss. Can't think of a decent costume to save our lives. That's what's happened this time - at least to me. So what do we do when we're all out of duds? Wide-eyed and threadsless? That's when we call our main men of scary couture, the inimitable Hal Owen...

..and Tom Stone.

Yes - his middle initial is B.

As you can see, they have the Halloween look down pat. So rest assured, they know what they're doing. Here's a few examples of their classic spooky outfits...

Children with robot heads - it's like something out of Black Mirror.

Skeletons riding horse skeletons - what could be more terrifying?

A group of normal bystanders, you might think - but take a closer look and they look like victims of a nuclear accident.

Mom's doing some gardening, but WHAT THE AAAAARGHRUNFORYOURLIIIIFE!

Imagine Popeye in a clown suit, and a witch replete with broomstick and a little girl's body. Nightmarish.

They were even responsible for the deathly appearance of late wrestling manager Paul Bearer.

So - I wonder what ideas they're going to come up with this year for me and the boys?

Better safety than sorry-ty

Having immediately dismissed the "threat" implied by Tony "Monobrow" McGee, the world's only New Jersey cockney, we resumed party planning. However, in spite of the absurdity of McGee's attempt at being ominous, I thought it might be a good idea to look at our safety measures. After all, it's not every day we open the UnbelievaBase to the hoi polloi. With that in mind, I assembled our Pre-Holiday Gala Event Security Planning Squad (or PHGESPS, which is easy to pronounce if you hold your nose and sneeze) for an inspection of the facility and a logistics review.

SECURITY

Duh. I shouldn't even have to mention this.

FIRE SAFETY

Can't have our guests burning up now, can we?

COMMUNICATIONS

"Can you hear me now?" Yes. Yes, I can.

FIRST AID

To your health!

HOUSEKEEPING AND SANITATION

Cleanliness is next to security, fire safety and basic first aid.

SECURITY

I already mentioned that? Oh well, you can never be too secure.

NAVAL OPERATIONS

We're nowhere near any water. Still, just to be sure...

AIR SURVEILLANCE

An eye in the sky is worth two in the hand.

ANIMAL CONTROL

Nothing ruins a nice evening like a sudden infestation of rabid forest creatures.

GENDER EQUALITY

Not really a safety concern, but never let it be said that The Unbelievables are anything but inclusive.

SCIENCE

Rogue robots run a muck? Not at this soiree. Party on, Darth.

THE OCCULT AND DARK ARTS

Is magic real? Probably not. Maybe. I don't know. Why chance it?

SECURITY

I may have mentioned this previously. Just making sure we have it covered, so to speak.

Jailbird's Warning

All we wanted to do was throw a wickedly spooky All Hallows Eve shindig to delight and entrance as well as entertain the good folks of Stiletto Flats (and a few special guests). Why anyone would want to stomp on our good time is beyond me, but like Michael said on Monday, there are always a few complainy-pantses out there who can find nothing better to do with their time than, well, complain.

But we certainly didn't expect it to be our adversaries. I mean, they are usually opposed to our actions as a matter of course, but Halloween? The night when spooky stuff is supposed to happen and all sorts of demons, sprites and goblins walk the earth looking for mischief to do? You'd have thought that a bunch of ne'er-do-wells and so-called 'master' criminals would fully embrace that scenario!

We were busy doing our party-organising duties (making the VIP list, ordering supplies in bulk from Costco, music playlist, etc.)

Including this one, natch.

...when wouldn't you know it, the phone rang. Kip the Mail Boy picked it up and from the next room we could all hear that whoever was on the other end of the line was not happy. Screaming down the phone is not a behavior that we regard highly, but that is what this person was doing. 

Kip transferred the call to the conference phone.

I dipped my toe in the water first. "Er, hello? Unbelievables here, how may we assist you?"

"NOW JUST YOU LISTEN TO ME, YOU UNBELIEVABLE PLONKERS! JUST WHAT THE BLINKY O'STINKY ARE YOU GEEZERS PLAYING AT!?!"

"Rest assured, sir," said Clark, "we are not playing - we're rather busy at this moment in time. With whom do we have the dubious pleasure of conversing?"

"'ERE, MUSH!" came back the voice. "I MAY NOT BE THAT CLEVER AN' ALL THAT, 'N THAT, BUT I KNOWS SARKY ASM WHEN I 'EARS IT, DUNNEYE? FUHGEDDABOUDIT, IT'S MCGEE."

"McGee? Again? But didn't we...? And aren't you...?" McGee was supposed to be in jail. 

"YER, WHAT OF IT? LISSEN, I AIN'T GOT MUCH TIME. ME AND THE BOYS IS MIGHTY UPSET ABOUT NOT GETTIN' INVITES TO THIS 'ERE PARTY. PRETZELS, BEER, THE WHOLE SCHMEER, BIM BAM BOLEO. YA KNAA'I MEAN?"

There was no mistaking that it was Tony "Monobrow" McGee, the world's only New Jersey cockney, on the other end. Clearly, he was ringing from jail, meaning that whatever had upset the man, he'd found out about it whilst in clink. Meaning it was something big.

 "Forget it, McGee" said Michael. "No dice. Whatever the problem is, we are not, repeat not interested."

"OH YER?" he replied. "LISSEN UP, UNBELIEVABUBBLES. 'ALLOWEEN IS S'POSED TO BE A NIGHT FOR NOT-DO-GOOD PEOPLES LIKE ME AN' ME BOYS TO DO NOT-GOOD STUFF, NOT FOR YOU DO-GOODERERS TO 'AVE PARTIES. THE CRIMINIMINIMAL FRATERTERATERNITY ARE FROWNING ON THIS, AND WILL DO WOT EVER IT TAKES TO STOP IT. YOU 'AVE BIN WARNED. FUHGEDDABOUDIT.(Click)".

We sat for a brief moment in stunned silence, then looked at each other and grinned. 

Then we fell about laughing.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAHAAAHAAAAA!!!"

"Tee-hee-heee!"

"Chortle!"

"Chuckle!

"Snicker..."

"Ha-ha."

Then Clark said, "Quick question...."

"Yes??" Michael and I asked in unison.

"Jack-O-Blast or Pumpkin King?"

"BOTH!" we cried. "HAHAHAHAAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHA!!"