Playing By The Rules, With Odd-Shaped Balls

Well, the guys have expounded at length regarding the game of Unbelievaball. In fact, they've said so much about the game and how it should be played in a gentlemanly rather than violent fashion, how there are three teams rather than two, and generally every other aspect save how the game is played. Yes, the rules. 

The rules are fiendishly simple, yet simply fiendish.

As you know, there are three teams of three. Let me use a simple diagram to illustrate the layout of said game.

As you may expect, in a game with three teams, there are three sides to the pitch. In the center of the pitch is a large circular "goal", itself divided into three sections. 

The players stand as illustrated - two at either end of the "home line" and the third defending their section of the goal.

The ball itself is deliberately odd-shaped.

It may only be handled with the hands, head, chest, elbows, knees or groin. No kicking is allowed.

GAME PLAY

As you might expect, the game has three periods which are called "thirds" (duh). Each third is thirteen minutes long.

At the beginning of the game, the first shot is made by the team that wins a tournament of rock/paper/scissors.  The first shot is made by the person on the left side of the "homeline".

The objective is to deposit the ball safely in one of your opponents' goal sections, scoring you one point. However, as game play progresses, if one team seems to have a larger-than-normal advantage in the scoring stakes, the other two teams may decide to 'gang up' on them and work together to block their shots. This is made all the more difficult as gameplay progresses, due largely to the requirement to take a drink after each goal is scored, as well as the fact that 'goalies' can only use the backs of their hands to deflect the ball. Also, goalies are expressly forbidden to knock the ball into the opposing goals themselves - only the two players on the "homeline" are allowed to score. If a goalie knocks it in, it is disallowed unless they accidentally score an 'own goal'.

Between each 'third', teams are required to down at least two cocktails before resuming gameplay. Also, players are required to rotate between thirds so that every player gets a turn in each position. 

Also, trash talking is completely forbidden. Instead, withering sarcasm and dry wit are used.

At the end of the third 'third', the winner is obviously the one with the most points, as long as they can still say 'rubber baby buggy bumpers' six times fast. In the event that they can't, the winner is the one who looks better in slacks.

After the game, all players must strip off and head to the hot tub.

Move aside, Quidditch.

Unbelievaball Explained!

"... I want to leave room for the guys to expound upon

the unique and exciting sport of UNBELIEVABALL ..."

- Clark last post

What you have to understand, first and foremost, is the fact UNBELIEVABALL has an important pre-game ritual to establish the boundaries of the particular game to be played. Of course cocktails are a necessary part of this ritual because any sport worthy of play demands a strict adherence to rules. And in order to stick to those rules you need to hash them out beforehand so everyone's on the same page when it comes to "go time." 

UNBELIEVABALL is no different in that regard. In fact it's rather unique as game play is different every time it's played. So, sitting down to chat about an upcoming game is not only civilized but a necessary part of the process. And what could be more civilized than working things out over a martini or a mai tai or two? Hashing out the necessaries is tantamount to professionalism in our book.

Just as important as the rules, though, is one odd item of note you may have picked up on: That we wear the same uniform as the Unbelieva-Babes who play alongside us. There are a couple reasons for this: 1) We're not afraid to show off what we have (if you know what I mean) and 2) the skimpy duds promote fair play without undue roughhousing. After all, there's not much in the way of padding in that apparel. (Well, that's not entirely true. The ladies have more "padding" than us. We gents have the natural muscle. So it's a win-win all around.) From the start you have to be a man of confidence in order to suit up for UNBELIEVABALL. It's not a game for wimps or those with weak constitutions or image issues.

Interestingly, it's a three-team contest with all teams on the field and jockeying for position at the same time. Needless to say you have to be on your toes at all times. Concentrate on one team too much and the other will capitalize on your folly. That right there is part of the uniqueness of UNBELIEVABALL - using the other teams as allies while, at the same time, realizing you have to keep them at bay from scoring on you. Not an easy task, let me tell you. This makes the game play intense, ultra-strategic and robust all at the same time.

Are there referees or umpires or officials involved? No. This is a game of gentlemanly-ship with clear-cut obedience to the rules put down and agreed to at the beginning of the contest. If you don't follow those rules chaos ensues. And the game isn't a free-for-all. It's a tournament of wills, a mental exercise in strategy and a challenge filled with intrigue. 

Not only that but you have to present a positive image when you're around the Unbelieva-Babes. Their presence is key to playing a fair and valued contest. Hockey and football and the like are fine for the neanderthal set who thrive on the physical prowess of their respective activities; UNBELIEVABALL requires more of a disciplined approach. It's a more satisfying competition than a mere test of brute strength.

Lastly, there's the all-important post-game discussion where Team Clark, Team Jeff and Team Michael review the match and dissect what worked, what didn't and how fabulous the Unbelieva-Babes looked on the field of play. Naturally, post-game cocktails are essential here, too.

And there you have it - UNBELIEVABALL in a nutshell. A cultured, sophisticated sport ... with rockin' uniforms.

But wait. I didn't really detail the actual rules of UNBELIEVABALL, did I? And that's because there are better, more capable men then me who can convey such detail-oriented explanation.

And one of those men just might be named Jeff ...

UnbelievaBall!

Aside from Halloween and all the holiday madness that immediately follows that, this is also an interesting time of year in that all of the (North American) major sports leagues are in session at the same time.
Baseball is winding down, (American) football is well into the meat of their season while hockey and basketball are just underway.

These are all fine past-times and we enjoy them as much as anyone. Although, being the dashing men of action that we are, we find them all a bit... tame. So we invented our own sport, which we use to satisfy our competitive urges and stay in fine fit fighting form. We call it (of course) UNBELIEVABALL!

It's a complex game with unique rules and scoring, but we'll try to explain as much as we can to you.

• THERE'S A BALL - Of course there's a ball. Any truly good sport (sorry, hockey) has a ball to throw, catch, hit, kick or fire from a weapon (as is the case with UNBELIEVABALL).
• THERE ARE TEAMS - There are three of us and this is a three-sided game; most sports are Team A vs Team B. UNBELIEVABALL is Team Clark vs Team Micheal vs Team Jeff, all at the same time. As such, we draft members of the Unbelievababes to fill out our rosters.

• THERE ARE UNIFORMS - And we're not sexist, so we wear the same ones.

• THERE'S A PLAYING SURFACE - It's made of grass or wood or what have you and has lines painted on it.
• THERE'S AN OBJECTIVE - The team that scores the most goal unit points wins.

I know this is all kind of vague, but I want to leave room for the guys to expound upon the unique and exciting sport of UNBELIEVABALL!!