Friday, February 19, 2016

All Rapped Up At The Grammys

When we got to the Grammys, we learned pretty quickly that the threat of ceremony disruption type thingies was due to a message Mr. Portnow had received from one Eli Porter.

You're all familiar with Eli Porter, right?

You must all have seen the video of "Iron Mic" wherein a rap battle between Eli and Envy takes place. In the video it is clear that Envy isn't freestylin', he's spittin' a written. So Eli drops him stone cold with the line "I'm the best man... I did it."

It was a message via voicemail that Mr. Portnow had received. We took a listen to the recording, which seemed to say, "How you want me to? I'm the best man, I did it."

Luckily, Michael's keen ear for current hip-hop and rap acts came into play and he immediately spluttered, "That's not just Eli - that's Riak too!"

"WHO?!?" I cried, along with Clark and Neil.

"You guys never heard of Riak? Only the dopest rhymer straight outta the Sudan," replied Michael. 
"Homie got some wicked skillz."

"Why are you talking like that, Michael?" we inquired.

"Cuz I grew up on da street, innit, blud? There wasn't no food in ma silver spoon, so I grew up hard and I grew up soon, I'm a righteous king, but I'm hungry too, and I eat up chumps that rap like you! Boo-yaaa!"

Eyes rolling, we asked Michael what the score was.

"I reckon he's gonna pull a Kanye. He and Eli are gonna rush the stage during Tay-Tay's acceptance speech and do the whole "Bitch Imma let you finish..." thing.

So we immediately decided to search the entire vicinity.  We figured Eli, with his disability in the leg department, and Riak, with his lack of ability in the dancing department, wouldn't be too far away from the stage, not with the clock counting down towards the ceremony.

Long story short, we discovered Riak hiding in a janitor's closet with Eli, planning their onstage surprise.

"Okay bruh bruh, you jump on stage, grab the mic and say HOW YOU WANT ME TO, real loud like", said Eli.

"Yeah, and then when everyone's confused and distracted, you grab the award and say I'm The Best, Man, I Did It!, then we leg it!"

When we carted them off to the paddy wagon, Michael was yelling at them, "Why, homes, why? Y'all got mad skillz up in here. Why y'all need to do dat?"

As they packed them into the van, Eli looked Michael square in the face and said...

"Cuz I'm the best, mayne. I did it."

The van drove off into the night, and the last thing we heard was Riak shouting "How you want me to?"

To thank us for solving the case so quickly, Mr. Portnow put us at the best table, where we caroused and drank heavily with all our famous pals during the whole show. And let's not forget the after-party...
Clark and friends relax post-Grammys.

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