Monday, October 6, 2014

"The Unreliables"

Frequently, we make mention here of our many, many, many successful exploits when it comes to courting the fairer sex (females). As much as I'd like to say that we're batting 1.000 (so to speak), that simply isn't the case. Not all the ladies love us.

One of the most high-profile examples of that is Jeff's failed relationship from some time ago that impacted all three of us.
He was dating a woman named Polly who was a television executive with the BBC, a relationship that started out fine before curdling for some reason. She took it hard. So hard, in fact, that she attempted to exact revenge on us by producing a television show that made us look ridiculous, "The Unreliables".
Real subtle, Polly, Downright classy, in fact. Sheesh.

It starred Malcolm Lennon, Ian Jagger and Graham Ledzeppelin and was the story of three lazy, bumbling, incompetent crimefighters, a very thinly veiled parody of us. The characters names were Mark (me), Mickey (Michael) and Geoff (Jeff). Clearly, most of her ire was directed at Jeff but none of us came off very well in it. Here's a sample of dialogue from the show:

MICKEY: Well, great. As a result of doing something stupid, as usual, we're being held prisoner. Again.
MARK: What are we going to do about it this time? Keep in mind that I am emotionally stunted.
GEOFF: Don't ask me. I'm too busy with my own selfish and childish indulgences to try to make something of myself. In this case, making myself into someone who is not being held prisoner.
MICKEY: I've got to get out of here. I have girlfriends to neglect! Maybe we could climb over the wall.
GEOFF: That thing is at least a meter high. I haven't stretched because I never exercise and I'm not risking a rip in these pants, which are raggedy, covered in stains and not fit for a proper rubbish bin, yet I insist upon wearing them all the time.
MARK: How am I supposed to send mixed messages as to my level of commitment to some young woman who is too good for me in the first place from in here? Can we at least try the doorknob?
GEOFF: We could, but it's all the way over there and probably locked,
MICKEY: It's four steps away and I know for a fact it's unlocked. They walk right in and out when they deliver our food, which I eat like a slob and don't even offer to share.
GEOFF: Ugh. I'm just way too lazy to try, you guys!
MARK: I am so bad at sex!
MICKEY: We all are!
GEOFF: And weirdly proud of it!

Thankfully, the show didn't get great ratings and was cancelled (destroying the careers of everyone involved with it) before we had to sic the Unbelievalawyers on them.
Believe it or not, there are other instances where the ladies were less than impressed with us. Jeff and Michael will fill you in later this week.

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