Wednesday, November 21, 2012

The Case Of The Golden Sponge Cake with Creamy Death Filling - Or The Hostess With The Most Explosives

As if by magic, it appears that one short day after my colleague Clark's analysis of the whole Hostess-Twinkies fiasco was published, Hostess has agreed to a one-day 'mediation session' with the union, the meeting orchestrated by US bankruptcy court judge Robert Drain.

Yes. THE Judge Robert Drain. Well known to us Unbelievables by his anagrammatical name, Baron Jude Turgider, the evil mind behind Rapid Implementation of Noxious Gases and Dynamite-Infused Nibbles (Global), aka RINGD-IN(G). 

The Baron seeks to reduce the world's burgeoning population (a genuine problem, I grant you) through deadly poisons secretly introduced into popular snack cakes. The reason he chose Hostess brands is plain to see: North America is full of snack-addicted folks, and the quickest way to reduce the population of the continent with the fattest nation on Earth is to lace their snacks with potent added ingredients. 

Whichever way you slice it, this is murder, pure and simple. The Baron has been in cahoots with The Hostess (the mastermind of all the insidious and nefarious activities of the organisation) and Little Debbie, not to mention that weird Drake fella, for years. Their joint goal - reap massive wealth from the people while secretly killing them off one by one. It's a foolproof plan - the cakes are so addictive that even though they kill, no-one will ever suspect. What's that you say? The FDA? Those clowns haven't checked a thing in years.

So like I said, Turgider and his cronies will find a way to bring back the Twinkie and its ilk, by "selling off" the brands to the highest bidder - no doubt shell companies created by The vile Hostess and Miss Debbie, not to mention that 'cute' little evil bear Bimbo - and they'll be back on your shelves killing people in no time, all the while making it look as if small regional bakeries have purchased the rights to produce the brands. We Unbelievables are going to need a bit of backup in order to stop this fiend, and it may take some time. I have already put in a call for help to the one they call "Mr. Pringle".

If sartorial elegance had a face, this would be it.
I shall leave it to Michael to explain the rest of the long and sordid story to you. Meanwhile, I have some important top secret and highly toxic Unbelievables stuff to be getting on with. I hear tell that Toucan Sam and Betty Crocker have some vital info to impart. More on that as and when. Ciao.

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