Some Of The Best Advice Is What You Know

How am I supposed to top Jeff's advice from Monday?

Exactly. Rather the tough act to follow. And - being wise beyond my years and knowing when not to try and best someone - I'm not even going to try.

Instead, I'll discuss what I know the ladies love.

Granted, there's actually little to say about going pantsless, one of my personal fortes. Either you don pants or you don't. End of story. (Side Note: Men don trousers, all three of The Unbelievables do. But we kowtow to the simple term "pants" for the sake of the masses.)

So I'll go with what the ladies really love: Dancing.

Everyone's got there own personal style, preferences, M.O., more when it comes to shaking one's booty. But I'll tell you this: It's rarely the moves that impress out there on dance floor. Just as importantly, it's getting into the groove, showing you mean it, actuating the dance in effortlessness. Calculated dancing doesn't cut the mustard. (Well it does ... but you can watch that for only so long before it becomes tedious.)

That's why I model many of my dance moves off the great Gene Gene The Dancing Machine from The Gong Show.

The video below says it all.


Hello, Ladies!

My personal guarantee is this: Ape some of these steps and you'll never lack a dance floor partner again.

The Advice Column

One of the recurring themes that come with the territory when you are a stylish gent-about-town who is also a skilled martial arts devotee and secret crime fighter who is very good at everything else too is that women tend to find you irresistible. We Unbelievables find that the ladies are never far from crime scenes, hoping to catch a glimpse of their idols (i.e. us), or showing up when we do Community-oriented deeds such as reading to blind people and taking our llamas to hospitals to provide sick people with therapy. Yes, what I am talking about is groupies. 

Rojo the llama. Not even kidding about this.

That's right - just like rock stars, movie stars and mushroom farmers, we Unbelievables have hangers-on. Little limpets, Michael calls them. Aside from the almost constant presence of the Unbelievababes, and the occasional evil-doing female such as The Double-D Dames and the Klumpmasterflash Twins, we get a lot of ardent female fans flinging themselves at us, promising all sorts of treats of the boot-knockin' variety if we will just give them the time of day. For this reason, many guys ask us just what it is about us that women love. What, they cry in their dozens, is the secret to attracting a sexy female person? What, in short, do women want? Now, we've covered this sort of topic before, but it still gets asked of us, so it bears repeating.

Clearly it's a question of finding out what they like. You find out what she likes, you'll know what she wants. And for me at least, these are the things that I know that women like. No, not like. LOVE.

Women love...

...crossing the street in miniskirts. I like that too. 

Women love the colour red.

Women love guitars. Get yourself a guitar. We have hundreds. Only Clark knows how to play one, and all he can play is "Cow-Cow Boogie". Even so, an alarming amount of women want to get him down to his BVDs at the mere sight of his gleaming red instrument. See, RED... what'd I tell you?

Women also love robots, especially ones that give them parking tickets. Go figure... I mean, you know... women, eh?

Women love "JAZZ". And big horns. Answer this ad right away and the dames will be surrounding your domicile night and day, desperate for a glimpse of your shiny instrument. What, I can't use the same innuendo-laden joke twice? 

Women love scooters. Personally I think it's the thought of riding on the back of a machine that was road-tested in near-suicidal rush-hour Rome traffic, with the scent of pasta dishes and hair oil in the air, that gets them all a-quiver.

Women love Saabs. No explanation, but there's something about a Saab that makes a woman like putty in your hand. Little tip though - the same effect can be achieved with a late-model Skoda, but please avoid the Yugos and Reliant Robins.

Any road up, that's what I've found out about women, and those tips work like a charm every time. Use them wisely, for they are like gold dust. The guys will be along later in the week to add their opinions to the discussion. At the end of this week, I assure you you'll be beating women off with a rather large stick-like object.

The Business End Of A Can Of Whoop Ass

So ...

... ever wonder about Henri Petit's vantage point prior to getting his little pansy ass thumped by Clark?

Now you know.

You're welcome.

UnbelievaLand: Interrupted

Discussion is crucial to the developmental process. You can't just casually toss an idea out there in the wind and VOILA! ... it's perfect.

Rigorous testing must be put to task. Thorough R&D is crucial. The pros and cons of an idea - any idea - need to be weighed. 

Will the idea actually work? Will there be any consequences? Could anything go wrong? Are seatbelts really necessary? Does it have to smell like ham? Could its use be grounds for termination or be considered detrimental to future employment considerations? How about accessibility for the handicapped? Could there be any detrimental or adverse reactions in the 15 to 30 minutes after it's utilization? You know ... stuff like weird side effects, sudden seizures, death and the like? Is it age appropriate?

These are just a few of the many questions we considered while putting UnbelievaLand together.

Given Clark has been all "Gung ho! Let's go!" about our latest venture - and the main instigator in whipping Jeff into a frenzy, getting him to come on board toot sweet in the process - I'll simply say thank goodness there's that much needed rational in our little trio. A "voice of reason" so to speak.

And that voice of reason? You got it, yours truly: Me. Michael. (It's not that I'm trying to be the Debbie Downer of the group ... but someone has to keep his head out of the clouds and look at things with a discerning eye.)

Usually when one of us comes up with something (or even when we do things collectively) it naturally falls on Clark, Jeff or myself to step back and analyze what we've dreamed up, give it an unbiased, third-party look to see if things are on the up and up. I mean, believe it or not, not everything we come up with is "consumer ready" and instantaneously good to go, you know. Some things take a little tweaking before they can be offered for public consumption.

And such is the case with our little brainchild UnbelievaLand.

Let's take a look ...

While there isn't a single thing wrong with our sign ...

 

... using it for same for UnbelievaLand could be a little confusing. You've seen our Unbelieva-Base sign ... right

 

See what I mean? They're virtually identical. But that's okay. We printed up some nifty flyers defining both locales. It says:

"If you're looking for UnbelievaLand, please turn around and go back out the door you came in, turn left and head north about 10 minutes. You'll get to a similar "Charm Cleaners" sign that looks just like the one at this location. When you get there, we're sure you'll feel your excitement building.

Congratulations! You've reached UnbelievaLand!"

Brilliant! Because folks wishing to patronize UnbelievaLand will understand immediately they were simply at the wrong place to begin with.

Our foes, however, will be hopelessly lost, won't realize they're at our actual Unbelieva-Base and will attempt entry thinking we're trying to pull a fast one on them. The beauty of that is the fact we have our Unbelieva-Base lobby littered with foils which will get their goats. We're tricky that way.

But that was the least of our worries. Our R&D forced us to nix a few things we can tell you about here.

Such as our boffo Superhero Showcase Show Of Shows:

 

Sorry Jasmine, Sig and Alpert (left to right)

Little did we know DC Comics would be so stringent about their properties. We really did have a nifty song and dance extravaganza put together for everyone who came to UnbelievaLand to enjoy, but The Powers That Be got wind of it somehow and put the KY-bosh on the production. (Here's hoping central casting will find something for the players we originally hired post haste. Good luck on future gigs, guys!)

Then there was Horrorland ...

The criminal element doesn't like to talk about this place.

We meant for this to be an educational attraction, both exciting and information on why criminal "activity" is a bad thing. But once the legal department representing our arch enemies found out we wanted to enlighten what their "bad guy ways" were all about, it opened the floodgates of all sorts of cease and desist orders. (Stupid bad guy lawyers ... stupid legal process ...)

Speaking of stupid legal stuff ...

Come on ... what's not to like ... ?!? 

Then there was the free copy of the Alka-Seltzer Song Book pegged to be given out with every sale of peanut, popcorn, candied apple, frozen banana and Churro. (And! We'd already gotten the blessing of the Alka-Seltzer people to do so!) Blame those gluten-free Bozos for tossing water on that dream. (It would have made a terrific souvenir ...)

Bet you didn't know singing helps relieve a tummy ache, too ...

These are just a few of the little niggling things we've had to deal with prior to cutting the ribbon and letting the masses in on the wonders that will eventually be UnbelievaLand. But, for the time being, that inaugural shindig is on temporary hold.

That's okay, though. Remember: We're The Unbelievables. 

Stuff like this has a way of working itself out. So don't worry ... we're on it. (Plus, you know, we have Jeff testing out the rides for safety and stuff. Doesn't that make you feel good?)

In the meantime? You can always don a pair of Kickin' Jeans (The Unbelievables endorse those, you know) and pretend you're strolling through our soon-to-be opened Camisole Heights get-away.

Go on ... close your eyes and keep dreaming ... it's almost as if you're right there, about to step off the Unbelieva-Tram, care-free, wind-blown hair swooshed from your face at the just-concluded 85 mph ride, ready enter through the front gates of UnbelievaLand ...

Thrills And Spills

Yes folks, it is true. Clark's revelation of our upcoming theme park UNBELIEVALAND in Camisole Heights is not pure fantasy but a really real reality, and it's opening soon! I myself have been heavily involved in designing and testing the rides. Here is a short film of me working on a zipline-style ride, that in its finished state, will be based on our fleeting early-80s dalliance with delivering boxes of chocs to starving damsels in distress.



Here's the test footage...

and here's what we used to do with those choccies...





Now imagine it with all the bells and whistles you'd expect at Six Flags or Alton Towers, and you might be somewhat near to what the finished ride will be like. Looking forward to seeing you all there. Right guys?

Coming soon: UnbelievaLand!

One thing that many of our adoring fans from all over the world are always requesting is a tour of the Unbelieva-base. For obvious reasons, we simply can't honor those requests. However, we've come up with something we think you'll enjoy even more: our own theme park, UnbelievaLand! Located in Camisole Heights, Nevada, a nearby suburb of Stiletto Flats, the park will have a number of features that are sure to appeal to Unbelievables fans of all ages! Let's take a sneaky peak, shall we? 

A sign just like the one outside of the real Unbelieva-base greets you at the front gate. An ideal location for photo oportunities.

The Unbelieva-Tram will bring you from the parking lot to the front gate. Unlike your standard amusement park tram, this one does 85 mph and features bullet-proof tires, front-mounted machine guns and the can convert into a submarine. It's also outfitted with ejector seats, so when the driver says keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle, you'd better do it.

One of our techs will show you how to operate one of our actual computers. Calculate complex math equations! Conduct searches and print out the results! Send electronic mail! Dial into a web of other computers located all over the whole wide world and exchange information!

The small fry will love climbing into the Henri Petit ball pit and just going crazy. Go ahead, kids kick those balls. Grab 'em, smash 'em, throw 'em around. It's okay!

Take a look at some of our sweet rides in the Unbelieva-garage!

Take a look at some of our sweet threads in the Unbelieva-Closet!

The crew of our private jet will demonstrate a few of the amazing features of this incredible plane. You can even kick back in one of the seats and watch some case videos (be kind, please rewind).

One of the best features of the park is that will be functional enough to actually serve as an auxiliary base of operations and we plan on being there frequently to conduct actual Unbelievables business. One thing we will definitely be doing there is conducting our initial searches for prospective interns, as seen here. 

There's so much more to this Sexiest Place On Earth (that slogan has yet to be officially approved). I'll leave it to the fellas to highlight some aspects I may have missed.

More Villainy

Just to let you know, there's a new entry in Villains Row - and it's all about these lovely ladies...

The Double-D Dames!!!