The Conductor Conducts Once More ...

The Conductor ...

... after picking himself up and dusting himself off after his recent ass kicking ...

"But anyway, we beat the living pulp out of The Conductor (note to would-be villains: spring for some hired muscle henchmen and at least make it a challenge), rescued Rod, who came back to Stileto Flats with us where he performed a free concert that still somehow raised a million dollars for charity." 

So said Clark in last Friday's post.

But that wasn't the end of it.

As it turned out, The Conductor was listening - beaten, battered and bloody such that he was. But he was coherent enough to take Clark up on his "note to would-be villains." 

We found out about this little turn of events in a note he sent us:

Jeff: "Uh ... guys? We might have a problem ..."

Michael: "Are we out of Grape Nuts again?"

Clark: "I paid the electric bill, so don't blame me!"

Jeff: "No ... it's The Conductor again. He left us a note. He hired muscle. And some pretty formidable (albeit elderly) muscle at that. He procured none other than Ryūzō and The Seven Henchmen ..."

Ryūzō and some of his henchmen

  
"... and they absconded with Rod Stewart as soon as he landed. And The Conductor wants a ransom for his return this time. Plus some vintage odds and ends for his model train collection. AND he wants his demands met in 48 hours."

Clark: Son of a ... that's the first time one of our foes has EVER taken our advice!"

Me: "Well ... it's a fine time for this to crop up. I had plans to get my Christmas shopping done this weekend. Now it looks like we need to save Rod's ass once again ..."

Clark: "... as well as the rest of him."

Jeff:  "So ... anyone know anything about these thugs The Conductor hired?"

We'd find out soon enough ...

The end of the line (this time)

We disembarked at Death Valley where we were met by this guy...

THIS GUY: "Greetings, Unbelievables. I am... The Conductor!"
MICHAEL: "Yeah... And?"
JEFF: "What do you want? It's hot out here."
THIS GUY THAT WE NOW KNOW AS THE CONDUCTOR: "Oh. Well, yes. I have brought you all here..."
ME: "Come on already, what's your deal? You're a conductor. So, what, you lead orchestras or something?"
THE CONDUCTOR: "What? No! Trains! I'm a train conductor. You came here by train. There's a whole theme here!"
MICHAEL: "Ugh. We hate trains."
JEFF: "Yeah. Hate 'em."
CLARK: "I'm kinda ambivalent towards trains, for the most part. I hate this one though, because it brought us out here to you, and I definitely hate you. Already."
THE CONDUCTOR: "I'm going to ignore all of that and just tell you that I have kidnapped the world's greatest entertainer, Rod Stewart! That, and I am going to harm him. And there's nothing the vaunted Unbelievables can do about it! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!"

MICHAEL, JEFF, ME: "..."
THE CONDUCTOR: "Well?"
MICHAEL: "Okay, I am completely lost."
JEFF: "Me too. What exactly is your point here?"
ME: "Yeah. What does Rod Stewart have to do with trains?"
THE CONDUCTOR: "Are you kidding me? Rod Stewart loves trains. He loves them! The irony here is palpable!"
MICHAEL: "He has one song about a train. Big deal."
JEFF: "Well, to be fair, he also covered 'People Get Ready', which is pretty thick with train metaphors."
ME: "That doesn't qualify any of this as ironic, though."
THE CONDUCTOR: "You guys are nuts! I'm not even talking about his music. Rod Stewart is a renowned model railroader!"

Huh. Who knew?

That was an interesting reveal. It's always fun to learn about the hobbies of celebrities. But anyway, we beat the living pulp out of The Conductor (note to would-be villains: spring for some hired muscle henchmen and at least make it a challenge), rescued Rod, who came back to Stileto Flats with us where he performed a free concert that still somehow raised a million dollars for charity.

What can we say? The cat is good!

He was so appreciative and gracious that we arranged for his travel home; via the Unbelieva-Jet, NOT by train.

"Ready for boarding when you are, Mr. Stewart."

That (Death) Train, Rolling Down The Tracks ...

Jeff hit the nail on the head: "Oh, how we hate trains."

Current challenges in taking them today present more of a struggle than a pleasure. Just as the nature of flying has changed over the last few decade (excessive luggage charges, food effacement, more) iron horse travel isn't what it used to be.

We've resigned ourselves, however, to put our discomfiture aside and do what we need to do to get to this "top secret meeting" via locomotive transport under our belts. Besides, it's a free trip on our part and filled with incentive.

What? Jeff didn't mention that fact?

Yes, our jaunt comes filled with bonus extras tailored to entice us into the venture in an effort to make our journey a bit more agreeable all around.

Booze, broads and victuals are all "on the menu" so to speak. And while sophisticated cocktails during happy hour, stimulating intellectual companionship courtesy of the fairer sex and exquisite subsistence may be the order of the trek, we're still "on the job" and alert to the possibility the entire affair may be one big trap.

But we don't think so. There are too many overt amenities someone has gone out of the way to provide for it to be your household, garden-variety bait and switch ...

Lavish accommodations (of which we admit are eye-wideningly surprising on a train) ...

Fresh towels and linens ...

Bidets ...

Comely personal assistants ...

Even mints on our pillows when we retire.
 

What could possibly go wrong?

Well ... how about the fact we noticed two-thirds into the trip the train was headed for Death Valley, California?

It might be a long trip after all ...

Highly Trained Professionals

Oh, how we hate trains.

Don't get me wrong, we used to love trains, back when train travel used to look like this...

Sumptuous food, panoramic vistas, and crew cuts...

A lounge car that was akin to a gentlemen's club (no, not that kind of gentlemen's club, get your mind out of the gutter please)

and women who would pine for us after we got off the train.

We have been called to a top-secret meeting in a far-flung yet totally tip top secret location. Because of the current situation in the world re: flying, we thought it best that we travelled to our totally tippety toppety secret meeting in an equally undisclosable location by the old chemin de fer, the choo-choo, the locomotive.

The only problem is, we don't usually travel by train because the last few times we did, it was more like this...

On a ski trip to Alaska we were unlucky enough to find ourselves sharing a compartment with Red McSkeeterson and his Hootenanny Seven. Eesh. That was a long journey.

On a quest to find the world's finest Lamb Dhansak we got trapped on a board a Pakistani "cricket special".

and on a trip to the Orient to battle the Triads, the Korean Mafia and a plague of Iron Chefs, we had to rough it with a bunch of people who were feeling the effects of the slightly dodgy Imperial Shrimp.

So as you can understand, we are not looking forward to boarding that train tomorrow.

And what, I hear you cry, is the purpose of our top secret meeting in an undisclosed locale?

Truth be told, we don't even know ourselves. But the guys will tell you what they can on Wednesday and Friday. I cannot wait -the suspense is killing me!

Where's Michael THIS time??

Michael didn't check in with his chapter in this week's saga, but we aren't that concerned. We're pretty sure he tinkered with the stealth cloaking feature of his Unbelievasuit, dialing it up to 11, and may very well be right here; we simply can't detect his presence at all.
Here are some of the last times we saw him (using our Unbelievaspecs, we can see things that you folks might think are truly invisible)...

Sitting on his favorite "thinking about things" bench

Enjoying sand and surf

This one is at a distance but there he is, halfway up the summit. Hello-o-o-o-o!

That's simply a testament to how good the technology is and why one shouldn't mess with it. Our hope is Michael sees this, realizes there's a problem and un-tinkers his way back into visual existence.

We Won't Be De-Feet-ed

Sure, our Unbelievasuits are handy. But our feet need protection, too. We have specially designed footwear which not only have all sorts of handy additional gizmos on board to aid us in our world-protecting, crime-fighting daily lives, but are designed to reflect our personalities (what with us being stylish gents and all).

Clark is a sneakers and hi-tops kinda fellow. Here are some of his shoes...

(A) onboard GPS-enabled tracker, and (B) Wi-Fi hotspot.

(A) Looks like a fastener but in fact unfolds to become a Ninja Throwing Star. (B) Hipster man-bag actually converts into rubber dinghy. (C) Sole is actually made of deliciously seasoned halloumi cheese and can be eaten in a dire emergency, like getting stuck in an elevator or when adrift at sea (in the rubber dinghy, natch)

(A) Orange patterned section actually contains sleeping gas, which can be released by scratching with fingernail. Handy for disabling crooks or when suffering from insomnia. (B) Ridged rubber toecap is useful in a variety of situations, from adding extra grip when climbing fire escapes or brick walls, to adding swirly patterns to the tops of cupcakes.

(A) Another foodstuff to be used in an emergency - this time it's a Fruit Roll-Up. (B) Slots in soles are useful for hiding USB drives, microfilm, microchips, etc.

Myself, I'm more of a dress shoe type of chap. Here's some of my special shoes.

There are mini cameras installed in one of the little holes on the brown section of shoe. (E) denotes the laces which are actually made of high-tensile steel/nylon cable which comes in handy for tying up bad guys,  fixing things, swinging from stuff, etc.

My lil'snazzies, replete with (A) micro-missile launcher, and (B) tear gas dispenser.

The "Babe Magnets", with (C) titanium toecap (viciously sharp), and (D) walkie-talkie.

Some people have mood rings. I have mood shoes. These DM's are designed for butt-kicking when in certain moods: (A) pensive; (B) reckless; (C) depressed; (D) furious; and (E) dark and gritty.

As for Michael, he tends to spend a lot of the time pantsless, which makes his choice of shoes all the more curious. They are specially designed to confuse, distract and disorient a would-be criminal. He simply calls them "Unbelievablinders".

Suitable for action

We pride ourselves on our detective skills, the ability to solve a crime with our brains and not our brawns. But at our core, we are men of action and sometimes (not always), action refers to the process of doing something, typically to achieve an aim. In other words, sometimes we have to let our fists and feet do the thinking. And that's when we put on our Unbelievasuits!

We never wear the one on the far right after Labor Day

They're ideal for...

• Karate fighting
• Underwater operations
• Judo fighting
• High altitudes
• Kung Fu fighting
• Spelunking
• Jiu-jitsu fighting
• High-speed car chases
• Fighting

They're constructed from high-tech, moisture-seeking-yet-resistant micro fibers that keep us at an optimal body temperature at all times.

Prototypical application of this technology

There's even a stealth component...

Pictured (L to R): Jeff, Michael, me

And my personal favorite feature, decoy mode. This allows them to take on the appearance of regular civilian-style clothing so we can blend in with the populace...

Me and Michael, questioning a "person of interest" as Jeff keeps a watchful eye

I've only scratched the surface in terms of the capabilities of these incredible garments. Jeff and Michael will have more info for you later this week!