Hot Roddin'

The Unbelievabase, sometime yesterday morning. Breakfast is on the table.

MICHAEL: So, any word on Rod and The Conductor?

CLARK: Nada. Zip. Smoke. Nuttin'. Not a peep. Nary a flicker on the radar scope. Not heard a word. No--

JEFF: We get it! I have, however, done some research--

C: Wikipedia, Ask Jeeves, Bing...

J: THANK you, yes, Wikipedia etc., (ahem) and I can safely say that with the combined age of The Conductor, Ryūzō and The Seven Henchmen being approximately 636, depending on whose birth certificates are accurate, Rodders should have comparatively little difficulty escaping their clutches.

M: So... we don't need to worry?

J: No.

C: And the ransom? 

J: Paid.

CLARK,MICHAEL: How?

J: I know it sounds almost impossible to believe, but we have Kip The Mail Boy to thank.

C: Oh come ON! That little snot-nose?! What the--

J: Believe it or not, but all this time working as our mail boy has had a positive effect on Kip. He has learned how to hack computers. 

M: You're putting me on.

C: On what planet exactly?!

J: On this one, mi amigos. I sorta... suggested to Kip that perhaps he could hack into the finances of a very rich, very stupid person and use their money to procure the ransom. After all, being very rich, a transaction like that would be a drop in the bucket. And being very stupid, they wouldn't think to look. 

M,C: Come on though! Rich and stupid, sure, but still a person...

J: Not a good person. Not a nice person. A rich, dumb asshole who deserves to be stolen from. 

M: Oh, an asshole. That makes it alright then.

DOOR KNOCKS.

J: I believe I'll get that.

Jeff opens door to reveal Rod Stewart, alive and well.

ROD: Alright lads?

M, C: Hi Rod! What the heck?!

ROD: Relax, guys. Although I could have easily overpowered Ryūzō and The Seven Henchmen, not to mention The Conductor, the ransom got paid and I just walked out, but not before hiring Ryūzō and The Seven Henchmen to be my staff. They're all great cooks (Pan-Asian Fusion is the best!) and Ryūzō himself is now my chief bodyguard. I had them clean out my attic for old spare bits of railway track, gave that to The Conductor, and then made my way here.

M, C: Wow.

M: That explains that, then. 

C; Yeah, except for one thing. The name of the rich, dumb asshole Kip hacked?

J: (slyly grinning) Oh, I'm sure if you think hard enough, you can come up Trumps.

ALL: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

What DO we know about Ryūzō and his henchmen? Plenty

Jeff:  "So ... anyone know anything about these thugs The Conductor hired?"

Thugs. Goons. Henchmen. Whatever you want to call them. They're all pretty much the same. Why? Well, because those who operate in the realm of muscle-for-hire are actually certified professionals. In fact, without that board certification, it is not legal for them to operate illegally in most countries and 48 of the 50 states in America (Florida and Texas, shockingly, have no standards in this area, among many, many others).

So, what do we know about Ryūzō and his crew? Basically what we know from the Fraternal Order of Underlings, Goons, Henchmen & Thugs (F.O.U.G.H.T) Standards and Practices manual...

All certified professionals must:

• Possess the ability to blindly follow orders
• Be willing to wear the uniform as determined by the boss.
• Have the ability to carry multiple sacks of loot.
• Be big and strong, yet generally kind of 'doughy' in appearance
• Remember to attack one at a time, regardless of how many of them there are.
• Learn the phrase, "Uhhh, what now, boss?"
• Not be able to hit the broadside of anything with any kind of weapon

"Seriously, why do we even have guns?"

That's just the minimum job requirements. There is also an exam...

A boss tells you to do something that is sure to end with you being arrested, crippled and or dead. Your response?

1. Do it.
2. Incorrect.

The boss tells you to wear this as a uniform

You say:

1. "What do the initials and numbers mean?"
2. "Turtlenecks make me itch."
3. "Whatever you say, boss."

You're emptying a bank vault. How many sacks of loot do you grab?

1. One. So I have a hand free to open a door or fight if necessary.
2. Two. Because that's enough.
3. Four. Two in each hand.

You can lift

1. Another henchman, to help him scale a wall.
2. A safe.
3. The rear end of a sedan.
4. Whatever.

The last time you exercised...

1. Haw haw! What's exercise?
2. I did crunches once when a hero punched me repeatedly in my face. Well, I heard crunches.

You and six of your buddies have a hero cornered in a blind alley. You...

1. Smile and politely say, "after you" to one of your colleagues.
2. Dial 9 and 1 on your cell phone, knowing how this will end for you.
3. Say, "All right guys, just this once let's try overpowering him by all attacking at once, using the clear and obvious advantage of our numbers to... Carl, wait! Wait! Carl!! Oh damn it,"

Something goes terribly wrong. You return to the hideout and say...

1. Oy, my ribs. Such a pain I'm feeling in my torso region!
2. Uhhh, what now, boss?
3. You know, I tried to get everybody to attack at once, but did anybody listen to me? Noooo! Nobody ever listens to me. Especially Carl.

You spy a hero trying to sneak into your hideout. You pull out your gun and...

1. Fire a warning shot harmlessly into the air. Fair is fair and safety first.
2. Fire every shot in your clip at him, hitting nothing but getting the attention of nearby law enforcement officers who were just standing around doing nothing until they heard gunfire.
3. Tilt it sideways and fire, gangsta-style. But hitting nothing.
4. Just put it on the ground at your feet because you know what's coming.

So while we know nothing about these henchmen, we know everything we need to know about henchmen. 

But what of Rod Stewart and The Conductor?!? 

Jeff will tell you on Friday!

The Conductor Conducts Once More ...

The Conductor ...

... after picking himself up and dusting himself off after his recent ass kicking ...

"But anyway, we beat the living pulp out of The Conductor (note to would-be villains: spring for some hired muscle henchmen and at least make it a challenge), rescued Rod, who came back to Stileto Flats with us where he performed a free concert that still somehow raised a million dollars for charity." 

So said Clark in last Friday's post.

But that wasn't the end of it.

As it turned out, The Conductor was listening - beaten, battered and bloody such that he was. But he was coherent enough to take Clark up on his "note to would-be villains." 

We found out about this little turn of events in a note he sent us:

Jeff: "Uh ... guys? We might have a problem ..."

Michael: "Are we out of Grape Nuts again?"

Clark: "I paid the electric bill, so don't blame me!"

Jeff: "No ... it's The Conductor again. He left us a note. He hired muscle. And some pretty formidable (albeit elderly) muscle at that. He procured none other than Ryūzō and The Seven Henchmen ..."

Ryūzō and some of his henchmen

  
"... and they absconded with Rod Stewart as soon as he landed. And The Conductor wants a ransom for his return this time. Plus some vintage odds and ends for his model train collection. AND he wants his demands met in 48 hours."

Clark: Son of a ... that's the first time one of our foes has EVER taken our advice!"

Me: "Well ... it's a fine time for this to crop up. I had plans to get my Christmas shopping done this weekend. Now it looks like we need to save Rod's ass once again ..."

Clark: "... as well as the rest of him."

Jeff:  "So ... anyone know anything about these thugs The Conductor hired?"

We'd find out soon enough ...

The end of the line (this time)

We disembarked at Death Valley where we were met by this guy...

THIS GUY: "Greetings, Unbelievables. I am... The Conductor!"
MICHAEL: "Yeah... And?"
JEFF: "What do you want? It's hot out here."
THIS GUY THAT WE NOW KNOW AS THE CONDUCTOR: "Oh. Well, yes. I have brought you all here..."
ME: "Come on already, what's your deal? You're a conductor. So, what, you lead orchestras or something?"
THE CONDUCTOR: "What? No! Trains! I'm a train conductor. You came here by train. There's a whole theme here!"
MICHAEL: "Ugh. We hate trains."
JEFF: "Yeah. Hate 'em."
CLARK: "I'm kinda ambivalent towards trains, for the most part. I hate this one though, because it brought us out here to you, and I definitely hate you. Already."
THE CONDUCTOR: "I'm going to ignore all of that and just tell you that I have kidnapped the world's greatest entertainer, Rod Stewart! That, and I am going to harm him. And there's nothing the vaunted Unbelievables can do about it! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!"

MICHAEL, JEFF, ME: "..."
THE CONDUCTOR: "Well?"
MICHAEL: "Okay, I am completely lost."
JEFF: "Me too. What exactly is your point here?"
ME: "Yeah. What does Rod Stewart have to do with trains?"
THE CONDUCTOR: "Are you kidding me? Rod Stewart loves trains. He loves them! The irony here is palpable!"
MICHAEL: "He has one song about a train. Big deal."
JEFF: "Well, to be fair, he also covered 'People Get Ready', which is pretty thick with train metaphors."
ME: "That doesn't qualify any of this as ironic, though."
THE CONDUCTOR: "You guys are nuts! I'm not even talking about his music. Rod Stewart is a renowned model railroader!"

Huh. Who knew?

That was an interesting reveal. It's always fun to learn about the hobbies of celebrities. But anyway, we beat the living pulp out of The Conductor (note to would-be villains: spring for some hired muscle henchmen and at least make it a challenge), rescued Rod, who came back to Stileto Flats with us where he performed a free concert that still somehow raised a million dollars for charity.

What can we say? The cat is good!

He was so appreciative and gracious that we arranged for his travel home; via the Unbelieva-Jet, NOT by train.

"Ready for boarding when you are, Mr. Stewart."

Meet The (Coaching) Staff

For those of you who haven't been keeping up, the World Cup is now in its quarter-final stage, and believe it or not, we're still in the running. Yes, having given The Sultanate of Brunei a sound hiding (we beat them 17-2 - and one of theirs was an own goal caused when goalie Michael decided to re-tie his boots and remove his pants at the same time near the goalmouth, and tripped over the ball. However, the defensive skills of Clark and my striking prowess safely saw us through to the next game), we are lined up to play tomorrow against Andorra or The Vatican, depending on the outcome of that match. Pope Francis is very tasty in midfield.

Our success at the game of football can only be matched by our crmefighting skills, which we've also been putting to good use during our time here in Brazil. Any jewel robberies in your neighbourhood lately, hmm? Thought not. You are welcome.

But I must say, we're not just talented footballers - raw talent like ours must be moulded into shape by the best coaching team on the planet, and that is what we have. Meet the coaches...

First up...

COACH RAMSAY

While the rest of the world knows him as a foul-mouthed, bad-tempered sonofabitch who can cook up a storm, we know him as our Gentle Giant. Big-hearted Coach Ramsay likes to provide us with healthy goat-cheese-and-pancetta-wrapped-watercress sandwiches on the sidelines during our training sessions, followed by a relaxing pasta-making session. Then he calls us all donkeys and throws what we've made in the bin. We love you, Coach!

And speaking of cookery...

COACH SMITH

Delia Smith is the gal that brought cooking to the masses in the 70s, 80s and 90s. She is also a majority shareholder in Norwich City FC and a rollicking good sport on the Unbelieva-sidelines too. For some reason she likes to come into the locker rooms at (ahem) inopportune moments (like when we're semi-nude) and inspect our kit. And of course, being the Unbelievables, we welcome her with open arms. She's an excellent coach, and her very vocal guidance from the stands during a game is invaluable - whether we're playing well...

or playing horribly.

"SHOOOOT! BLOODY SHOOT, I SAID!!!"

Next...

COACH DAPPY

Not only can Dappy (from N-Dubz, if you're not sure) knock out a winning tune at the drop of a hat, but his ball-handling skills need to be witnessed to be believed. Plus, he choreographs all our goal celebrations (above) and shows us how to keep our street cred while dribbling - not an easy feat, but he pulls it off with flair and aplomb in equal measure.

Style, grace, elan... Coach Dappy knows what time it is.

And finally...

HEAD COACH ROD

He doesn't like being called "Coach Stewart". Says it makes him feel old. But Rod's a sprightly old bugger, despite being 96 years of age.

Rod has been a football fan all his life and plays football most everywhere he goes. He and fellow old codger Elton meet regularly for wind sprints.

He's a constant source of good advice...

"Now - let's start with the basics, shall we? Does anyone know what THIS is?"

So, there you have it - the people that keep us motivated and on our toes at all times. The people that stand there and cheer us on when we are doing well, and throw food at us when we aren't. The Yin to our Yang. The coaches. Hip Hip Hooray!