Add The Unbelievables To Your Christmas List!

The fantastic "The Unbelievables" game in stores now!

Ready to stuff a Christmas stocking!

Offered in a highly-prized retro package as shown, too!
(Boot wearin' Unbelieva-Babe not included)

Notoriety sometimes has its downsides, you know.

And, in our case, that of The Unbelievables, it goes without saying.

But we're big boys. We can handle it. In most instances the notoriety is nothing more than sour grapes from some jealous source who can't handle the truth, that The Unbelievables' standards are merely dreams to them, attainability that's simply out of reach.

Especially to our villainous foes.

Case in point: The new Unbelievables multi-level gaming extravaganza titularly titled The Unbelievables. (Original!) There's so much tasty goodness in each playing level (not to mention within the bonus play areas of the game such as the aforementioned Clark's Defenestration Station) that hours and hours of fun are guaranteed for the entire family.

Here are a few features of the game to tickle your fancy:

 Multiple player formats so you can share all the excitement with your friends and family!

 

Hundreds of realistic disguises! No game play is ever the same!

Secret, unlockable levels such as the challenging "The Telephone Game" ...

Tons of weapons to choose from, many geared specifically for the ladies!

(Hello, Ladies!)

 

Realistic worlds, venues and backgrounds ...

 

Heinous villains, some female! *shudder*

 "I play The Unbelievables! You should, too!"

Celebrity tested and endorsed ...

... and by some rather unexpected celebrities.

(Don't worry, Jane Goodall. We won't leak your secret obsession!)

Of course, our villains will have a tough time navigating the various levels of The Unbelievables. But we're sure they'll buy it just so they can delve in and try to unlock some of our successes. Good luck, ne'er-do-wells!

Even Santa approves of The Unbelievables. Put it on your wish list!

Testing, testing, 1,2,3...

One of the drawbacks of being bad-ass yet stylish gents is that those less inclined turn to us to do their dirty work. That  means that people feel that we're better suited for certain tasks than they are so they come to us to do them. It's impossible to argue with them because they're correct. An area where we're asked for assistance time and time again is product testing, especially (but not always) in terms of weapons testing. For example, here we see Michael and Jeff demonstrating the effectiveness of a bullet-proof vest the only way you really can...

We couldn't really complain because this was a product we had actually created (The Unbelieva-vest; it's reversible!) and were marketing to police forces around the country. Still, this situation was dicey because Michael and Jeff had been in a pretty intense argument the night before over who kept leaving dirty dishes in the sink and when we got to the range that day, they couldn't agree on who would wear the vest and who who would fire the pistol. I intervened by admitting that I was the dirty dishes culprit. The demonstration itself went off without a hitch but I was somehow accidentally wounded by an errant shot fired when it was over.

It wasn't just weapons. Here are some products that we tested personally and, well, we put the kibosh on them for reasons that should have been self-evident. I'm not sure why we felt it necessary to test them anyway. Just being thorough, I guess.

We like sandwiches, we like loafing, we were pretty sure we'd like this. Thanks to us, nobody will make that mistake again.

We found out firsthand that oily teeth are not clean teeth

All we need is the world's ugliest adult baby (Henri Petit) getting his grubby little snackhole around a bottle of THIS stuff.

There's lots and lots of other stuff and the guys will tell you all about it later this week.

Halloween is over; now comes the hard part

Now that the trick-or-treaters have tricked and treated,  it's time for the responsible adults to get to work and fish out all the dangerous items in those sacks full of candy.
Did you really think that was an urban legend. Ha! We wish, and seriously too, in spite of that odd and inappropriately placed "Ha!".
Now, everybody knows about apples and razor blades. That one actually is false. Well, it happened; there have been razor blades put in apples but it was an ill-fated promotional stunt by the Granny Smith Razor Blade company and not a malicious act.

Tell that to the people who owned stock in Granny Smith Razor Blades

But here are a list of treats and the threats that could be inside of them...

• Snickers bar = napalm
• Hershey's bar = C-4 explosive
• Butterfinger bar = nunchucks
• Goobers and/or Raisinets = iron filings
• Skittles = Hepatitis 
• Milky Way bar = hornets
• Popcorn ball = smaller popcorn ball with many parts of it burnt quite badly
• Apple = prunes
• Baby Ruth bar = signed deed in timeshare condo in Orlando
• Jolly Ranchers = farts
• Twizzlers = ticket to an NBA preseason game
• Malted milk balls = other kind of balls
• SweetTarts = used bullets

Good luck sorting that all out.

Of course, if you just want to send all your stuff to us, we'll take care of it for you.

The Unbelievables

PO Box 68

Stiletto Flats NV 89087 

Unbelieva-Peeves

Strangely enough, I have only one pet Unbelieva-peeve. Actually, it's a whole host of them, but they all come under one heading - I hate the stupidly unrealistic things that occur in detective/cop/superhero movies and TV shows. It makes us look kinda stupid, right? However, by the same token, it does give us Unbelievables an advantage over criminals because it can make them feel somewhat complacent and therefore a little lax. It lulls them into a false sense of security. 

"Hey boss, shouldn't we have locked that door behind us?"
"Relax, youse guys. Dey'll NEVER think of looking in here!"

See what I mean? So I shall list here a few good examples of the kind of thing that really tweaks my melon.

Hint: Not actual cops.

• In Law & Order, homicide detectives investigating murders always 
• talk to people who are too busy to stop what they are doing and talk to 
• them. The people aren't necessarily being shifty (although it certainly sometimes seems that way), they just don't 
• consider the gumshoes important enough to stop work for a minute. 
• They just keep on loading trucks or trying to get to class or telling 
• other people what to do or fixing whatever they are fixing, 
• all the while talking off-handedly to 
• the detectives as if someone is just nodding to them as they pass by. I mean h
• ow often do average people get questioned by homicide detectives that 
• they can't be bothered to stop what they are 
• doing to answer questions?
• In disaster situations, land vehicles and airplanes continue to function at full speed, despite volcanic eruptions and the world in general exploding and crumbling all around them. Does anybody remember Mt. St. Helens?
• Computer programs showing characters in 1" in size, and programs that do image searches flashing every image they find until the computer comes to the one it's looking for. And software so sophisticated it can take a blurry photograph, magnify it 10 times in the lab, and then clearly see the numbers on a license plate that was 100 feet away in the photo.
• Car keys kept in the visor of a conveniently-placed get-away car. Who does that?
• Bullets that never ever ever ever EVER seem to find the good guy. Seriously, if bad guys were such crappy shots, there'd be no such thing as gun crime.
• Guns with perpetual bullets. Guy has a six shot revolver, fires 32 shots with out re-loading and then moves on to the next shootout with nary a pause.
• Scenes in a moving car where the driver turns to the passenger, makes full eye contact and carries on a three minute conversation with them without even once looking at the road. Apparently Hollywood cars come equipped with magic auto pilot.
• Some character finds themselves on foot on a road with a car following them. The car speeds up with the obvious intent of running over the pedestrian. The pedestrian inevitably tries to outrun the car, fails, and is hit by the car. I don't think I've ever seen a case where the pedestrian gets off the road where the car can't follow him.
• Even during widespread natural disasters, cell phones and land phones still work and people get through right away to say goodbye or pass along vital information.
• The sound effect of chambering a round when someone points a 
• gun. 
• People in a standoff lowering their weapons,and the chambering sound effect being used AGAIN if they raise the guns again!
• Screeching car tires on dirt road.
• Modern cars equipped with Anti-Lock Brakes, whose tires still screech.
• Perfectly neat-as-a-pin and perfectly-decorated houses/apartments. I'm sorry - the hot maverick misunderstood bachelor FBI agent with perfect cheekbones, great car, and upwardly-mobile career, (who mysteriously remains single) DOES NOT live in a perfectly-clean, tidy and professionally-decorated condo. His real condo looks like a frat house on Sunday morning and smells of pee. Let's just keep it real here.
• Actors walking around with take-out coffee cups that are so clearly empty they scream "I’m a prop! I’m a prop! What you’re watching is a TV show, not reality!" I mean, we all know what a cup filled with a hot liquid looks like. It has a certain weight and heft, and anyone who handles it does so gingerly, for obvious reasons. Yet on the big and small screens, characters continue to sip from receptacles whose absurdly obvious emptiness shatters our belief in the fictional world we’re beholding and forces us back to stale reality. It’s the proverbial "exit sign" in a movie theater: You’re enjoying a juicy moment of drama or whatnot, then happen to glance at the bright red letters near the door and remember you’re in a room with a bunch of strangers, staring at a piece of celluloid.
• Detectives who can travel from Sacramento to other cities in California and back in ridiculous amounts of time. Leave Sacramento by car around 10:00 am, go to San Francisco, find a guy and interview him, then get back to Sacramento in time for lunch. 
• San Francisco is about 90 miles away and not an easy city to move around in. Add to that that you have to find the guy. Then there's the interview. Then the trip back. You'd be lucky to get back by 4:00 pm, and that's if you managed to avoid the horrendous afternoon traffic.
• The pile of empty cardboard boxes on the street corner. What are they doing there? I mean, why bother doing detective work if all you really need to do is park a squad car near a pile of boxes and wait?
• And lastly, the obligatory car chase. Like any city center is so devoid of other cars that two vehicles can zoom around willy-nilly at 60mph?

So now you know the sort of thing I mean, you'll probably be watching out for it the next time you turn on NCIS or The Mentalist. But don't spread it around - the bad guys might find out. And our job sure doesn't get any easier.

Clark's Unbelievable Pet Peeve

So, you're not happy to see me?

Once again, Michael has offered up some very solid advice. If you close the lid, you're putting the seat down. Gentlemen, the whole toilet seat thing is very important to the ladies and if you heed my colleague's advice, you could reap dividends, if you catch my drift (I'm talking about sex stuff).

While I share Michael's peevishness, that isn't my pet. Mine is counting. Man, I hate it when they count! Not the math function in general. I recognize that serves a purpose. No, I'm talking about when crooks count my bullets while I'm shooting at them. Remember Clint Eastwood's classic monologue from 1971's "Dirty Harry"...

I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

Of course you remember it. Everyone does, including criminals. As a result, this kind of thing happens...

"All right, it's over. Give yourself up already."
"I don't think so. You see, I believe you've already fired all six shots."
"No, I didn't. I only fired five. I have one left."
"I don't see how you could possibly know that, what with all this excitement."
"You honestly think I'm not going to remember how many shots I've fired? That's absurd."
"Prove it then. Shoot me."
"What? No, I'm not going to shoot you."
"Why not? Go ahead and do it."
"No. Because I don't want to, that's why."
"Hmmm, maybe because, oh, I don't know, you're all out of bullets?"
"Are you seriously questioning my ability to count to six?"
"Maybe..."
"I am not out of bullets!"
"Just open it up and look in there. I'll bet you a million dollars it's empty."
"Oh right. A million dollars? Like you have a million dollars. Sure, I'll make that bet, Mr. Million Dollars, who robs liquor stores. Why don't we make it a billion dollars?"
"It's this simple; if you don't shoot me, I'm just going to take off running."
"You'd better not!"
"Look, you shot at me at the bank, that's one. Then when I ran to the end of the block, you shot again. Right? Then twice when I stole the school bus..."
"I only shot once at the school bus!"
"No, remember? The first shot shattered the back window and then you comandeered that motorcycle and fired a second one which ricocheted off the front fender and broke the rear view mirror."
"Shit. That's right."
"Then your fifth shot hit me in the shoulder, which caused me to crash into the gate at the amusement park and then you shot at me one more time when we climbed to the top of this Ferris Wheel. That's six!"
"This is so stupid..."
"Ha ha ha ha! I win! (turns and starts running, gets shot, falls off Ferris Wheel, crashes through glass ceiling, lands on red hot barbecue grill, bounces off into deep fryer which explodes)"
"...I mean, geez, I have another gun."

You can see how that kind of thing, happening more than a couple times, would get annoying.

Word Bombs

A dapper ne'er-do-well obviously confused by Unbelieva-Wit ®©™

 
I am in complete agreement with Clark: violent men we are not. That isn't our bent. Violence for violence's sake is not an all-encompassing means to an end and it never will be.

That being said, it is with a heavy heart I reiterate the Lobster Rage Fist is a thing of the past as noted by my colleague Jeff in his earlier post. (*glares in Jeff's general direction*) You'd think being a core member of The Unbelievables would come with a privilege or two ... such as knowing if a weapon or methodology was to be retired. You'd think I'd have a say in such a matter ... a vote one way or the other ... the chance to voice my opinion yay or nay as to the disposition of said defense.

But ... no.

Though, to be fair, I will admit had that ouster come up for debate, I most likely would have employed one of the most effective means at my disposal to putting the Lobster Rage Fist on the back burner, something we don't often discuss: Outwittery Through Allocution (more commonly known as Unbelieva-Wit ®©™).

Many inferior imitations of Unbelieva-Wit ®©™ have come and gone.
The original is available only through us.
Yes ... through my own personal and invaluable teachings, The Unbelievables have perfected the art of oration in the use of confusing and, ultimately, detaining bad guys. (You'll be happy to know home studied courses can be yours for three easy payments of $39.99 plus a modest shipping and handling charge.)

You see, the common villain is often oafish and dim; on many occasions it's pretty easy to sidestep their evil ways by throwing a few well-placed idea or suggestion their way on why they shouldn't attempt to destroy Puerto Rico, why they shouldn't undermine the government (a futile gesture being there's not much there to undermine in the first place) or rebuff their desire to try and take over the world. Their buffonish proclivities are often ripe for exposure to the ways and means of confusion of disquisition. In several cases, it's been as easy as suggesting a villain's shoelace is untied or asking "Hey ... what's that in your pocket?" and << BAM >> we've got'em right where we want'em: Aprehendisimo.

Of course, I'm not going to conduct a discourse on the whys and wherefores of Unbelieva-Wit ®©™. For that entitlement you're just going to have to shell out those three easy payments of $39.99 plus shipping and handling (makes a great gift anytime!) and bask in the glow of studying "how we do it."

This guy? Don't worry. We're working on him.
(Can you believe he actually tried ordering
his very own copy of Unbelieva-Wit ®©™ ... ???)
In conclusion? There are alternatives to violence. They're not as adrenaline-inducing as a gun or bazooka or a bartender's artificial leg, but they can be just as satisfying. And some don't work all of the time ... but it's a comfort knowing we have a bevy of options at our disposal. 

And as Clark mentioned: "... when you need to blast a bad guy backwards through a plate glass window, well, there really is no substitute."

P.S. If Jeff believes his is the final word regarding the completely awesome Lobster Rage Fist, he's got another thing comin' ... *reglares in his general direction*