Up Around The U-Bend

HB2, or the "Bathroom Bill" in North Carolina is one of those silly laws (well, not yet - it's just a bill) made up by dumb ol' guys whose views are still firmly entrenched in the olden days when men were men and women did the housework. These people simply do not understand how a human body works and they think that there's something intrinsically dangerous about letting people of differing genders mingle freely in the bathrooms of the world. These are the people who think that being gay is a disorder of some sort, that you can "catch gay" and that gays can be "scared straight" when we all know that it isn't a choice, it just happens. Which is why we are not concerned with the restrooms of N.C.

These people wouldn't know a dangerous loo if they got their heads shoved down one and flushed for 15 minutes. We've seen some bathroom danger in our time, let me tell ya.

Critters in the lav is one of the nasty things that can occur
from time to time. You wouldn't want to see these when heading for a little private time.

*shiver*

Then of course there are toilets that are dangerous even without animals.

Could give one a nasty cut.

Careful not to move about too much in this one.

Then there are the ones that do your head in.

How am I supposed to get to it?

For those of you that want to know how it feels to take a dump on a ski jump.

How am I supposed to sit on this?

Make your own joke here.

Then, there are the rogue toilets. The truly evil crappers. The ones that swallow humans whole.

The best thing to do is to follow some good advice, usually found in any bathroom stall in the world:

Oh, and cat owners... this has to stop.

Michael will be with you on Friday with more tales of danger, toilets (maybe) and other stuff (you never know with Michael, he can be kinda random sometimes).

Protecting your privacy; Not just a good idea, it's a suggestion

Hi folks. Clark here with the last installment of tips and tricks to protect your privacy.

#10  Tint your windows - Now obviously you'll want to comply with whatever legal limitations are in effect in your area but tinted windows - the tint-ier, the better - are a must. They accomplish two things: 1) They keep people from seeing what you're doing in your car and  2) They make people wonder what you're doing in your car (and the odds are that they're imagining something much sexier than what is actually taking place ie: booger picking).

#11 Change your passwords - You know how web sites offer to 'remember' your password for you so you don't have to think about it the next time you visit? You don't want that. What happens when those web sites get struck by lightning, become sentient and start raising havoc? Probably the first thing they'll do is say, "Hey, I've got Joe Blow's eBay password; let's go bid on Pez dispensers!" Besides, most sites 'forget' passwords after a while anyway. Might as well change up every so often rather than hoping you remember what it is when iTunes doesn't.

"Hey, uh, it looks like your bathing suit top came undone
 somehow there. Just thought you'd like to know."

#12 Good fences make good neighbors - As true today as it was in 1914 when John McCain coined the phrase.



Don't use "Clark" as you alias; it's been done and it isn't funny.

#13 Come up with an alias - Ever wonder why when you call the hotel where you're sure an international superstar like Jim Nabors is staying, the front desk claims he isn't there? Because he's there to relax and wants to keep people out of his private business; he's not going to check in under his real name so jamokes like you can call him up and ruin his stay. He has an alias, just like all the celebrities do. And you should too! Let your stalkers chase "you" around the country like a phantom, while "Mrs. Ruby Rippleknickers" is lounging poolside, enjoying rum drinks.

#14 Master the art of disguise - Sometimes it's not enough to simply come up with a new identity, sometimes it's necessary to actually alter your appearance. Are you known for being clean-shaven? Grow a mustache. Already got a mustache? Get rid of it (especially if you're a woman). Gain or lose significant amounts of weight. Change your hair color. Cross-dress. If you engage in these activities regularly, people will start to leave you alone even if they know who you are.

#15 Don't **** where you eat - Undoubtedly, at least some of you have an idea what the "****" stands for, and maybe you do. If so, you already know this is a common principle used to discourage someone from having a romantic relationship with a co-worker. That's solid advice; there's no quicker way to have all your dirty little secrets become common knowledge around the office than to date someone you work with. However, the reason I used the "****" instead of the crude epithet you were expecting is because the "****" can stand for lots of words that could be put there. Not only should you not **** where you eat, but you also shouldn't **** where you eat, nor should you **** where you eat and it should go without saying that you would never, ever want to **** where you eat. Not only are you putting your privacy at risk, that's also highly unsanitary (although, under certain circumstances, the concept is kinda hot). Keep those activities separated. Simply put: Eat in one place, **** elsewhere.
Well, there you have it. Some top tips from The Unbelievables on protecting your privacy. Learn them, memorize them, live by them!

Clark's Unbelievable Pet Peeve

So, you're not happy to see me?

Once again, Michael has offered up some very solid advice. If you close the lid, you're putting the seat down. Gentlemen, the whole toilet seat thing is very important to the ladies and if you heed my colleague's advice, you could reap dividends, if you catch my drift (I'm talking about sex stuff).

While I share Michael's peevishness, that isn't my pet. Mine is counting. Man, I hate it when they count! Not the math function in general. I recognize that serves a purpose. No, I'm talking about when crooks count my bullets while I'm shooting at them. Remember Clint Eastwood's classic monologue from 1971's "Dirty Harry"...

I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

Of course you remember it. Everyone does, including criminals. As a result, this kind of thing happens...

"All right, it's over. Give yourself up already."
"I don't think so. You see, I believe you've already fired all six shots."
"No, I didn't. I only fired five. I have one left."
"I don't see how you could possibly know that, what with all this excitement."
"You honestly think I'm not going to remember how many shots I've fired? That's absurd."
"Prove it then. Shoot me."
"What? No, I'm not going to shoot you."
"Why not? Go ahead and do it."
"No. Because I don't want to, that's why."
"Hmmm, maybe because, oh, I don't know, you're all out of bullets?"
"Are you seriously questioning my ability to count to six?"
"Maybe..."
"I am not out of bullets!"
"Just open it up and look in there. I'll bet you a million dollars it's empty."
"Oh right. A million dollars? Like you have a million dollars. Sure, I'll make that bet, Mr. Million Dollars, who robs liquor stores. Why don't we make it a billion dollars?"
"It's this simple; if you don't shoot me, I'm just going to take off running."
"You'd better not!"
"Look, you shot at me at the bank, that's one. Then when I ran to the end of the block, you shot again. Right? Then twice when I stole the school bus..."
"I only shot once at the school bus!"
"No, remember? The first shot shattered the back window and then you comandeered that motorcycle and fired a second one which ricocheted off the front fender and broke the rear view mirror."
"Shit. That's right."
"Then your fifth shot hit me in the shoulder, which caused me to crash into the gate at the amusement park and then you shot at me one more time when we climbed to the top of this Ferris Wheel. That's six!"
"This is so stupid..."
"Ha ha ha ha! I win! (turns and starts running, gets shot, falls off Ferris Wheel, crashes through glass ceiling, lands on red hot barbecue grill, bounces off into deep fryer which explodes)"
"...I mean, geez, I have another gun."

You can see how that kind of thing, happening more than a couple times, would get annoying.

Pet Peeves And The Unbelievables

Pet peeves.

Everyone's got'em. You. Me. Our nemeses. That guy standing at the bus stop.

The difference between theirs and ours, however, is ours have worked to our advantage when it comes to crime fighting.

One of my personal peeves? Leaving the toilet lid up. Note I said "lid" ... not "seat." (Some of you out there are tilting your heads and quizzically huffing "Huh?") There's a difference.  

The "seat" of the toilet is what you sit the back of your front upon. The "lid" is the cover which tops the seat. Once "engaged" you can sit on it (with clothes on or off) to relax and think a bit before venturing out into the world. You can prop your feet atop it to paint your toenails. You can stand on it to reach that cobweb in the corner you obviously forgot when you cleaned last week. (Or last month. Or October.) And there's more, more, more.

You see ... there's a contingent of folks out there who do not close the lid of the loo when they're finished visiting "the library." Thus my peeve. I'm not the OCD type who must have everything "just so" (so he says, confident in the fact his hands have been washed several times already this morning). But!  A clean and tidy restroom comes complete with the toilet lid down.

This isn't just for aesthetics, you understand. There's a method to the madness. Regular practice of flipping down the lid prevents beloved pets from using the john as a water bowl. A closed lid deters any non-toilet bowl items and gadgets from falling into 3 liters of wetness. Practicality is key here. You've heard (and possibly experienced) the horror of dropping your cell phone in the bowl, only to retrieve it and find it discombobulated beyond revivification. (You haven't yet? Well ... keep leaving that lid up. It'll happen soon enough. Don't pooh-pooh it. Eventually, it happens to everyone who refuses to heed this warning.)

Bringing that lid to a horizontal position will save your life as well. Drop that plugged in hair dryer in the watery depths and you flirt with electrocution. With the topper shut, that dryer deflects off it and drops to the ground harmlessly (unless bare feet are in the way). No need for fear of being fried with your hair still freshly washed.

So you may be asking yourself: "Michael ... this is all well and fine, but how has it benefited The Unbelievables?"

Well ... the bad guys on the long list of Unbelievables' Enemies are interesting ones. The list contains everyone from those who want to take over the world to some who simply want to cause mischief. There are brilliant ones and bumbling ones. It's those bumblers whose antics make life easy for us.

There's been many a time when some evil doer's gun accidentally got dropped in the shitter as we've come upon them in a "compromising position." There was the instance when Chafe Del Husqvarna let slip an almost-put-together detonator right into an open-lidded bowl. (A soggy detonator isn't conducive to engaging a device.) Then there was the time one common villain (I forget who) tried escaping us by exiting out a bathroom window. As he launched himself up to a window above a toilet, he stuck his foot right into wetness and got caught. Not only was he unable to grab purchase in order to lift himself window-ward, he ended up confined at the ankle courtesy of the swishy waterworks. All because someone didn't have the common sense to tip the toilet lid shut.

See? Safety, practicality, functionability. But, since the deed wasn't done, the bad guy got nabbed.

Internally, we used to have the same problem with fellow Unbelievable Jeff. (You know how the British are: They're "proper" and all that, but ... well ...) Clark and I are happy to report, however, he has been ... erm, uhm ... "educated" in restroom decorum and currently all is right with the world.

So shut those lids, folks! You'd've never thunked doing so could deter crime. Did you?

Mine is a simple pet peeve. Wait 'til you get a load of the ones Clark and Jeff have in store for you ...