The Old Mailbag Once Again

Letters, we get letters ...

Hey, Unbelievables:

Will you be performing any "tricks" for any trick or treaters that come your way All Hallow's Eve?

Jimbo

Yes. Of course. That's what Halloween is all about, not just handing out candy and goodies to all the little demons and princess that come knocking at our door.

Treats ...

... and possible "tricks" ...

Dear Unbelievables: 

What's the number one thing you guys will be handing out this Halloween? 

Inquiring minds and all that

Well, it just so happens we have a ton of Girl Scout cookies so ...

Yeah ... we have "a few" left ...

You Unbelievables ...

You're downright kooky, you know it? You really expect us to believe guys like you have nothing better to do than sit around on Halloween night and answer the door and hand out stuff to kids? I thought you three were suave men about town? Kinda sounds like catering to common trick or treaters is something way, way beneath you.

Signed, "Unbelievable" In His Own Way

Hey, Unbelievable-Wannabee, here's a news flash for you: Yes, we're suave men about town. But you forgot snappy dressers, crime-fighting experts and, most importantly, upstanding citizens. It falls on us to set good examples in the community ... and what better way to do that by contributing to the spirit of Halloween? What are you, a communist?!?

Dear Guys:

Creepy movies are "a thing" this time of year. But I'm afraid of them. They give me nightmares and keep me up at night. But it's all my friends want to do as the end of the month draws nearer. Any suggestions?

Thanks! Signed "Fearful"

Yeah ... grow a pair. Or we'll send the Boogie Man your way. Seriously.

"Fearful" will recognize this guy when he sees him.

Jeff and Clark have more responses to (sometimes questionable) queries from the general public that might be related to Day Of The Dead Celebrations, Thanksgiving or what have you. I don't open their mail so I wouldn't know. Just stay tuned ...

Definite Halloween Rejects

You might ask (you might not):

"Hey, Unbelievables ... how did you come by the services of Hal Owen and Tom (B.) Stone for your Halloween costuming needs anyway?"

Well, there's a bit of a story to that.

One September not so long ago the word was put out we were interviewing for consultants. (Bonus: We figured it would be a great way to weed out some of the wannabees who were hankering for a chance to become an Unbelievable, too - an ultra rarity in itself as our readers well know.) Of the hundreds of submissions we received, there were a few standouts, Hal and Tom being the out and out winners of course.

But there were even more jokesters and motorheads who thought their witty natures and "innovative thinking" might be their ticket to an office at the Unbelieva-Base.

Fat chance. Here are a few of those entries:

One gal pushed producing current and past popular celebrities.

But Clark went down that path Wednesday:

No Hollywood studio executives of any kind.

Period.

Someone suggested a dumpster. 

uhmmmmmmmm ... no.

Another thought we shouldn't go as anything,

just stay home and dole out treats and greet our fans.

(And offer some "comical" tricks to any wiseacres ...)

Then there was that one Disney fan

who really wanted us to dress as props from the "It's A Small World" attraction ...

I don't even know why this would be a thing ...

 

A small fry fan of ours offered these suggestions.

Jeff could be "Ashley," "Natalie" for me and Clark as "Alyssa."

We thanked the kid and convinced him in the end

Alyssa was a rather unconvincing, unrealistic interpretation of Clark.

(Though, truth be told, I was rather fond of Natalie ...)

An eyeless stuffed dog passed out after smoking cigarettes.

Really. This was a suggestion.

Lasty, the pièce de résistance was this:

Mayonnaise. Just mayonnaise.

I don't know ... you tell us: Why did we go with Hal Owen and Tom (B.) Stone in the end? And what were their submissions that inevitably got them the jobs*?

*That tale might be fodder for entries later on ...

Ghoulish Costumiers

Well, it's getting close to that time of year when kids dress up strangely and roam the streets, knocking on doors and demanding candy dressed as witches, goblins and spooks. Bunch of small-minded little terrors. Doesn't anyone know how to do costumes properly anymore? 

Of course we Unbelievables always have the greatest costumes for Halloween, largely due to our own unerring sense of style, but also ably assisted by our personal Halloween consultants. Yes, that's right - we can usually do it all by ourselves, but once in a Halloween blue moon, we get stuck in a rut. At a loss. Can't think of a decent costume to save our lives. That's what's happened this time - at least to me. So what do we do when we're all out of duds? Wide-eyed and threadsless? That's when we call our main men of scary couture, the inimitable Hal Owen...

..and Tom Stone.

Yes - his middle initial is B.

As you can see, they have the Halloween look down pat. So rest assured, they know what they're doing. Here's a few examples of their classic spooky outfits...

Children with robot heads - it's like something out of Black Mirror.

Skeletons riding horse skeletons - what could be more terrifying?

A group of normal bystanders, you might think - but take a closer look and they look like victims of a nuclear accident.

Mom's doing some gardening, but WHAT THE AAAAARGHRUNFORYOURLIIIIFE!

Imagine Popeye in a clown suit, and a witch replete with broomstick and a little girl's body. Nightmarish.

They were even responsible for the deathly appearance of late wrestling manager Paul Bearer.

So - I wonder what ideas they're going to come up with this year for me and the boys?

Better safety than sorry-ty

Having immediately dismissed the "threat" implied by Tony "Monobrow" McGee, the world's only New Jersey cockney, we resumed party planning. However, in spite of the absurdity of McGee's attempt at being ominous, I thought it might be a good idea to look at our safety measures. After all, it's not every day we open the UnbelievaBase to the hoi polloi. With that in mind, I assembled our Pre-Holiday Gala Event Security Planning Squad (or PHGESPS, which is easy to pronounce if you hold your nose and sneeze) for an inspection of the facility and a logistics review.

SECURITY

Duh. I shouldn't even have to mention this.

FIRE SAFETY

Can't have our guests burning up now, can we?

COMMUNICATIONS

"Can you hear me now?" Yes. Yes, I can.

FIRST AID

To your health!

HOUSEKEEPING AND SANITATION

Cleanliness is next to security, fire safety and basic first aid.

SECURITY

I already mentioned that? Oh well, you can never be too secure.

NAVAL OPERATIONS

We're nowhere near any water. Still, just to be sure...

AIR SURVEILLANCE

An eye in the sky is worth two in the hand.

ANIMAL CONTROL

Nothing ruins a nice evening like a sudden infestation of rabid forest creatures.

GENDER EQUALITY

Not really a safety concern, but never let it be said that The Unbelievables are anything but inclusive.

SCIENCE

Rogue robots run a muck? Not at this soiree. Party on, Darth.

THE OCCULT AND DARK ARTS

Is magic real? Probably not. Maybe. I don't know. Why chance it?

SECURITY

I may have mentioned this previously. Just making sure we have it covered, so to speak.

Jailbird's Warning

All we wanted to do was throw a wickedly spooky All Hallows Eve shindig to delight and entrance as well as entertain the good folks of Stiletto Flats (and a few special guests). Why anyone would want to stomp on our good time is beyond me, but like Michael said on Monday, there are always a few complainy-pantses out there who can find nothing better to do with their time than, well, complain.

But we certainly didn't expect it to be our adversaries. I mean, they are usually opposed to our actions as a matter of course, but Halloween? The night when spooky stuff is supposed to happen and all sorts of demons, sprites and goblins walk the earth looking for mischief to do? You'd have thought that a bunch of ne'er-do-wells and so-called 'master' criminals would fully embrace that scenario!

We were busy doing our party-organising duties (making the VIP list, ordering supplies in bulk from Costco, music playlist, etc.)

Including this one, natch.

...when wouldn't you know it, the phone rang. Kip the Mail Boy picked it up and from the next room we could all hear that whoever was on the other end of the line was not happy. Screaming down the phone is not a behavior that we regard highly, but that is what this person was doing. 

Kip transferred the call to the conference phone.

I dipped my toe in the water first. "Er, hello? Unbelievables here, how may we assist you?"

"NOW JUST YOU LISTEN TO ME, YOU UNBELIEVABLE PLONKERS! JUST WHAT THE BLINKY O'STINKY ARE YOU GEEZERS PLAYING AT!?!"

"Rest assured, sir," said Clark, "we are not playing - we're rather busy at this moment in time. With whom do we have the dubious pleasure of conversing?"

"'ERE, MUSH!" came back the voice. "I MAY NOT BE THAT CLEVER AN' ALL THAT, 'N THAT, BUT I KNOWS SARKY ASM WHEN I 'EARS IT, DUNNEYE? FUHGEDDABOUDIT, IT'S MCGEE."

"McGee? Again? But didn't we...? And aren't you...?" McGee was supposed to be in jail. 

"YER, WHAT OF IT? LISSEN, I AIN'T GOT MUCH TIME. ME AND THE BOYS IS MIGHTY UPSET ABOUT NOT GETTIN' INVITES TO THIS 'ERE PARTY. PRETZELS, BEER, THE WHOLE SCHMEER, BIM BAM BOLEO. YA KNAA'I MEAN?"

There was no mistaking that it was Tony "Monobrow" McGee, the world's only New Jersey cockney, on the other end. Clearly, he was ringing from jail, meaning that whatever had upset the man, he'd found out about it whilst in clink. Meaning it was something big.

 "Forget it, McGee" said Michael. "No dice. Whatever the problem is, we are not, repeat not interested."

"OH YER?" he replied. "LISSEN UP, UNBELIEVABUBBLES. 'ALLOWEEN IS S'POSED TO BE A NIGHT FOR NOT-DO-GOOD PEOPLES LIKE ME AN' ME BOYS TO DO NOT-GOOD STUFF, NOT FOR YOU DO-GOODERERS TO 'AVE PARTIES. THE CRIMINIMINIMAL FRATERTERATERNITY ARE FROWNING ON THIS, AND WILL DO WOT EVER IT TAKES TO STOP IT. YOU 'AVE BIN WARNED. FUHGEDDABOUDIT.(Click)".

We sat for a brief moment in stunned silence, then looked at each other and grinned. 

Then we fell about laughing.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAHAAAHAAAAA!!!"

"Tee-hee-heee!"

"Chortle!"

"Chuckle!

"Snicker..."

"Ha-ha."

Then Clark said, "Quick question...."

"Yes??" Michael and I asked in unison.

"Jack-O-Blast or Pumpkin King?"

"BOTH!" we cried. "HAHAHAHAAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHA!!"

Not Just Another Halloween Bash

Several years back, someone got the bright idea The Unbelievables should throw a Halloween party. 

It wasn't me. It wasn't Jeff. And it wasn't Clark. We have enough business to attend to as dashing, crime-fighting upkeepers of the tried and true.

No ... it was the general public at large.

John Q. Public, out there in Stiletto Flats somewhere, came along one day and asked "You know what? Why not have The Unbelievables host Stiletto Flats Halloween Bash this year?" The idea was bandied about, ended up growing legs and, suddenly, it was a town rallying cry resulting in an official invitation to us from the mayor of Stiletto Flats himself. He called us down to his office one afternoon, passed warm greetings all around and put the question to us:

"How 'bout it guys? Everyone knows your parties are legendary over there at the Unbelieva-Base. I hear past parties contained apple bobbing that's legendary! We think you guys would put together a terrific shindig!" he stated enthusiastically.

We might know a trick or two about apple bobbing ...

"What about the muckety-mucks who disagree with the term 'Halloween'?" Jeff wondered. "You know there's always a group out there who want to ruin all the fun for everyone  ... turn it into a 'Harvest Festival' and quash the spooky element out of it."

"Oh, don't worry about them. The whole town is up for this thing. The naysayers won't come near - they'll stay at home and want nothing to do with it. No trouble at all." The Mayor's words held water. Stiletto Flats is a pretty open and close-knit community with most folks on the same page. It's not without a few grumblers but what city isn't? And they do keep to themselves.

"We have free reign as to how we put it together?" Clark asked. 

Yeah ... we had ideas how to throw this party ...

"Certainly! We'll provide whatever venue you like, tables, chairs and all that jazz and even assign you a crew of grunts to help you put everything together if you like. Maybe you could invite the weird guy AppleBobby, too!"

AppleBob Appleby you mean? Uhhhm ... probably not ...

"We'll get back to you on him ... but sold!" I exclaimed looking at the guys for confirmation. "Just one thing: Halloween is on a weekday, school night and whatnot. Let's do it the Saturday prior. Good?"

"Terrific!" The Mayor agreed. 

We set out to make plans. Ideas were bandied about, preparations got underway and posters were printed up (courtesy of the Stiletto Flats Bugle), distributed and displayed. With The Unbelievables featured, the upcoming festival was the talk of the town.

It turned out that didn't sit very well with some of our down-in-the-mouth foes of old once they got wind of it however. How could a simple good time party for the public at large get under someone's collar? But it did.

And here's how that turned out ...

Halloween Spoil Sports

"Why not a Halloween drive? the question was asked from across the dinner table while the three of us were repasting in the Unbelieva-Base one evening.

And so was born another terrific Unbelievable idea, right there and then.

"We'll gather up donated costumes and distribute them throughout the tri-state area to whoever requests them!" came one thought.

"Candy donations, too!" came another.

"No doubt some of the little tykes - or at least their parents, who are more than welcome to join in - will want to dress to a 'T' just like us, cravats and play Lobster Rage Fists just so!" came a third.

"Hey! We can even throw our own open house Halloween extravaganza here at the Unbelieva-Base! The kids will be clamoring to come join the fun!" came yet another.

Apple dunking! Pin the tail on the dragon! "Graveyard" cupcakes! Festive orange and black popcorn balls! Pumpkin carving! Jello brains! Scary stories! A chili cook-off for the adults! A terrific time will be had by all! What could possibly go wrong?

What indeed?

And that's when the Society of Idiotic Ludicrous and Laughable Yucksters (the "SILLYs") took note and decided they needed to throw a wrench in the machine.

And what a wrench it was ... because these folks have priors, little did we know:

 

Fortunately, The Unbelievables know how to deal with these types of weirdos ...