Testing Our Patience

Clark and Michael have already talked about some of the products we have been called upon to test - some successful, others not. Below are some of the ones that were instantly rejected, along with the case notes. Some of these products are actually available, though. Seems some people get upset when you tell them their invention is worthless, and they go ahead and market the thing anyway out of spite. So here goes...

#1 - The Watermelon Knife

Inventor: Mr. U. Sliss

"This product, while made of sturdy materials and having superior cutting abilities, is essentially the same as any other sharp kitchen knife, with the exception of the brightly coloured handle, and is therefore superfluous to human requirements."

  #2 - The Giant Condom for maximum protection
 Appeeniss Corp.

"oh come on... for real? Geddouttahere."

#3 - Butter Stick - for people with no knives

"Sheesh! Just go to the store and buy a knife!"

#4 - Picnic Pants

Invented by Phil Yerpants

"Never heard of napkins? Tablecloths? I mean, really!"

#5 - Tandem Toilet

"Looks very cool, but impossible to open. Who has more than one toilet in their bathroom anyway? What is the point?"

#6 - Tissue Head - for people who constantly need to blow their nose and don't want to go through all the hassle of carrying a Kleenex pocket pack in their damn pockets

"It would seem that your life would be made instantly worse by wearing one of these ridiculous contraptions. Bumping into things and getting openly mocked by your peers, to be specific."

#7 - Ctrl-Alt-Delete tool - for use by people with only one hand who are still running Win98.

"Kind of a niche market, don't you think? Plus, it would have to be adjustable for different size keyboards - how would a one-handed person accomplish that?"

#8 - DVD Rewinder, for idiots

"This is a joke, right?"

#9 - Lipstick Aimer

"Lady, if you're not aware of where your lips are by now, then it's spectacles you need, not this thing."

#10 - Tidy Slippers

"Gag gift only."

So there you have it. We not only test products for their usefulness but we (try to) keep stupidity from invading your local store shelves. You are welcome.

Ciao!

Testing, testing, 1,2,3...

One of the drawbacks of being bad-ass yet stylish gents is that those less inclined turn to us to do their dirty work. That  means that people feel that we're better suited for certain tasks than they are so they come to us to do them. It's impossible to argue with them because they're correct. An area where we're asked for assistance time and time again is product testing, especially (but not always) in terms of weapons testing. For example, here we see Michael and Jeff demonstrating the effectiveness of a bullet-proof vest the only way you really can...

We couldn't really complain because this was a product we had actually created (The Unbelieva-vest; it's reversible!) and were marketing to police forces around the country. Still, this situation was dicey because Michael and Jeff had been in a pretty intense argument the night before over who kept leaving dirty dishes in the sink and when we got to the range that day, they couldn't agree on who would wear the vest and who who would fire the pistol. I intervened by admitting that I was the dirty dishes culprit. The demonstration itself went off without a hitch but I was somehow accidentally wounded by an errant shot fired when it was over.

It wasn't just weapons. Here are some products that we tested personally and, well, we put the kibosh on them for reasons that should have been self-evident. I'm not sure why we felt it necessary to test them anyway. Just being thorough, I guess.

We like sandwiches, we like loafing, we were pretty sure we'd like this. Thanks to us, nobody will make that mistake again.

We found out firsthand that oily teeth are not clean teeth

All we need is the world's ugliest adult baby (Henri Petit) getting his grubby little snackhole around a bottle of THIS stuff.

There's lots and lots of other stuff and the guys will tell you all about it later this week.