This is beginning to look like a case for The Unbelievables

What are The Unbelievables good at? Well, yeah, everything. Sure. But what specialty niche do we really fill? That's right; dealing with celebrities while remaining resplendently stylish. Well, it would appear that a new trend is emerging and it's something in which we should get involved sooner than later.

"Yeah, Sir Paul and Stevie can basically suck it."

First, we had the possibly-well-intentioned-but-utterly-graceless release of the Brad Paisley and LL Cool J song "Accidental Racist". Admittedly, we could have done something about that before it happened, but we weren't really paying attention when it first came out and thought the song was called "Racing Accident" and assumed that it was about NASCAR. Sorry about that. That one's on us.

"Yo, I might write a song about Anne Frank's attic; you wouldn't know if she was damn asthmatic, would you?"

Then this weekend, the unfortunately all-too-alive Justin Bieber made a pilgrimage to the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam, where he inscribed the museum's guestbook with this dope freestyle: "Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber."

The point is, that even though the culturally ham-handed exploits of these goofs do bring us all closer together to cringe as one, it would probably be better for everyone concerned if things didn't get that far in the first place *.

Yep, it looks like it's time to host one of our patented Unbelievinars, this one on cultural sensitivity. We've done these in the past on "as necessary" basis and it would seem that this situation qualifies. I won't spend more time detailing exactly what topics we've covered in the past or any of our exact, unique methods. I'll let Jeff and Michael fill you in. Suffice to say, if we can pull this off, it won't be the first time we've saved celebrities from themselves.

* Because it's really difficult to write jokes when people do dumber things than we can make up.

Word Bombs

A dapper ne'er-do-well obviously confused by Unbelieva-Wit ®©™

 
I am in complete agreement with Clark: violent men we are not. That isn't our bent. Violence for violence's sake is not an all-encompassing means to an end and it never will be.

That being said, it is with a heavy heart I reiterate the Lobster Rage Fist is a thing of the past as noted by my colleague Jeff in his earlier post. (*glares in Jeff's general direction*) You'd think being a core member of The Unbelievables would come with a privilege or two ... such as knowing if a weapon or methodology was to be retired. You'd think I'd have a say in such a matter ... a vote one way or the other ... the chance to voice my opinion yay or nay as to the disposition of said defense.

But ... no.

Though, to be fair, I will admit had that ouster come up for debate, I most likely would have employed one of the most effective means at my disposal to putting the Lobster Rage Fist on the back burner, something we don't often discuss: Outwittery Through Allocution (more commonly known as Unbelieva-Wit ®©™).

Many inferior imitations of Unbelieva-Wit ®©™ have come and gone.
The original is available only through us.
Yes ... through my own personal and invaluable teachings, The Unbelievables have perfected the art of oration in the use of confusing and, ultimately, detaining bad guys. (You'll be happy to know home studied courses can be yours for three easy payments of $39.99 plus a modest shipping and handling charge.)

You see, the common villain is often oafish and dim; on many occasions it's pretty easy to sidestep their evil ways by throwing a few well-placed idea or suggestion their way on why they shouldn't attempt to destroy Puerto Rico, why they shouldn't undermine the government (a futile gesture being there's not much there to undermine in the first place) or rebuff their desire to try and take over the world. Their buffonish proclivities are often ripe for exposure to the ways and means of confusion of disquisition. In several cases, it's been as easy as suggesting a villain's shoelace is untied or asking "Hey ... what's that in your pocket?" and << BAM >> we've got'em right where we want'em: Aprehendisimo.

Of course, I'm not going to conduct a discourse on the whys and wherefores of Unbelieva-Wit ®©™. For that entitlement you're just going to have to shell out those three easy payments of $39.99 plus shipping and handling (makes a great gift anytime!) and bask in the glow of studying "how we do it."

This guy? Don't worry. We're working on him.
(Can you believe he actually tried ordering
his very own copy of Unbelieva-Wit ®©™ ... ???)
In conclusion? There are alternatives to violence. They're not as adrenaline-inducing as a gun or bazooka or a bartender's artificial leg, but they can be just as satisfying. And some don't work all of the time ... but it's a comfort knowing we have a bevy of options at our disposal. 

And as Clark mentioned: "... when you need to blast a bad guy backwards through a plate glass window, well, there really is no substitute."

P.S. If Jeff believes his is the final word regarding the completely awesome Lobster Rage Fist, he's got another thing comin' ... *reglares in his general direction*