Life Hack: Comestibles!

Jeff's right: The butt-kicking part is exciting ... but those interminable times in between can sometimes be torture. Thank God for the 70s.

But Glam Rock wasn't the only thing that turned our crank. The basics of life have to be taken into consideration as well. After all: You don't take care of the body, the body doesn't take care of you. And that can only mean one thing (beside Glam Rock):

FOODSTUFFS!

Sustenance! Eats! The fuel that makes life possible!

And again, given the often odd hours we keep on the job, it isn't easy to pop into a local diner for a sit-down meal. That's where my Unbelievable Life Hacks come into play such as ...

Shepherd's Pie

Honestly, you can tailor a Shepherd's Pie around lots of meats and vegetables. Prepared beforehand, it's a tasty energy-lending meal perfect for the "hurry up and wait" duties we often find ourselves embroiled in. Any kind of meats, any assortment of accompanying vegetables, all encased in gravy and Jeff's signature whipped potatoes and << BOOM! >> problem solved. Kept warm and toasty in a casserole oven mitt, this delectable dish helps us settle in for any stake out length. Mmmm, mmmmmmmmm good.

Frittata

My basic recipe is this: Fry up some garlic salt, onions and parsley in oil until the onions are caramelized, toss in a dozen scrambled eggs, let set a bit on the stove, pile on the crumbled hot Italian sausage, lots of thinly sliced tomatoes, julienned spinach, a helping heaping of shredded pepperjack and bake in the oven until melty and << VOILA! >> instant classic! The beauty of a frittata is that it can be eaten hot or cold; it doesn't matter. Deliciousness through and through! Use your imagination and frittata ingredients possibilities are endless!

Cole Slaw, Potato Salad, Macaroni Salad

Again, inventiveness is the key here. These three side dishes, done correctly, can sustain the hungriest superhero and can add pizzazz to any quick meal ... or be made to serve as a nice, light main dish all on its ownsome. All you need is a spork and you're in business!
 
Beef Jerky

A mainstay of clandestine observation, to be certain. (Preferably the hot and peppered kind.) Just as important as coffee. Sometimes even more so.

Hey ... The Unbelievables are people, too, just like you! We have wants and needs when we're on the sly to help keep us ready and alert while on the job. And proper nourishment? That's where it's at!

Unbelievable Life Hacks? Shared.

You're welcome, world. 

Advice for the would-be gentleman would-be chef

It would appear that Jeff and Michael have covered every single thing in the universe that any female enjoys (if you thought that list would be much longer, you're WRONG and STUPID). However, to my relief, they did leave one item for me, and it's a big one.
WOMEN LOVE A MAN WHO CAN COOK
Listen, dancing and robots are awesome (especially if you combine those two things) but absolutely nothing, NOTHING heats a lady's oven like a dude who knows his way around a stovetop. "But I don't know how to cook", you simper like a simpering simpleton. Stop that! You're a man. You may or may not know what a whisk is, how to prepare a proper Béchamel sauce or what kind of wine goes with flamingo but those are details. The fact is as a male, you are genetically predisposed to applying fire to stuff and putting it in your mouth. Besides, this is a case where presentation is virtually everything. Get into the kitchen and start opening and closing cabinets while stirring things up in various pots and pans and just watch the eggs fire out of your lady's ovaries like rounds from a M240B machine gun. This is something that women find irresistibly adorable. If you actually produce something remotely edible, consider it a bonus. "But seriously, Clark", you continue to protest, "I know zero recipes". Okay, I can see where you might think that's a drawback. For that reason, I am listing a number of dishes that you should have the items for in your 'fridge and that you should be able to figure out just from the name. Simply get the items you think each dish requires, smoosh them up (together or individually) and apply some heat, along with your natural man instincts, and you should end up in the "close enough" territory.
Weiner Hash
Cheez Platter
Salad Dressing Sandwich Surprise
Coq au Vin Americano(chicken chunks in Kool Aid)
Deep Fried Gravy Nuggets
Choco-ghetti-o's
Egg Yellows

Remember, your presentation is key! Keep it classy and you're in!

"Yep, them's MY drawers tonight!"

Testing, testing, 1,2,3...

One of the drawbacks of being bad-ass yet stylish gents is that those less inclined turn to us to do their dirty work. That  means that people feel that we're better suited for certain tasks than they are so they come to us to do them. It's impossible to argue with them because they're correct. An area where we're asked for assistance time and time again is product testing, especially (but not always) in terms of weapons testing. For example, here we see Michael and Jeff demonstrating the effectiveness of a bullet-proof vest the only way you really can...

We couldn't really complain because this was a product we had actually created (The Unbelieva-vest; it's reversible!) and were marketing to police forces around the country. Still, this situation was dicey because Michael and Jeff had been in a pretty intense argument the night before over who kept leaving dirty dishes in the sink and when we got to the range that day, they couldn't agree on who would wear the vest and who who would fire the pistol. I intervened by admitting that I was the dirty dishes culprit. The demonstration itself went off without a hitch but I was somehow accidentally wounded by an errant shot fired when it was over.

It wasn't just weapons. Here are some products that we tested personally and, well, we put the kibosh on them for reasons that should have been self-evident. I'm not sure why we felt it necessary to test them anyway. Just being thorough, I guess.

We like sandwiches, we like loafing, we were pretty sure we'd like this. Thanks to us, nobody will make that mistake again.

We found out firsthand that oily teeth are not clean teeth

All we need is the world's ugliest adult baby (Henri Petit) getting his grubby little snackhole around a bottle of THIS stuff.

There's lots and lots of other stuff and the guys will tell you all about it later this week.