This Gang Is A Bunch Of Animals, Part 3

The Corvette's engine roared as it roared through the sleeping streets of Stilleto Flats like a hot red knife with four wheels and 427 cu in (7.0 l) Big-Block V8 with 390 hp (291 kW; 395 PS) cutting through a small Nevada town made of soft, creamy butter. I had to reach the Save-Or-Not and get those bananas! Jeff and Michael were depending on me. Bananas. Bananas! BANANAS!!
I slammed the car into park at the curb, jumped out without opening the door and raced into the store. On my way to the produce department, I saw something that froze me in my tracks.

"What... are those?"
"We're sampling delicious new HosenWurst® brand hot dogs tonight! Would you like to try one?"

I did. And it was delicious.

"What do you call these?"
"Well, they're just hot dogs with tooth picks in them, so you can pick them up without getting your fingers greasy."
"I've seen these before. At parties. They're extremely popular with the we-go-to-parties crowd."
"Well, yes. Usually people wrap them in bacon or there's some kind of a barbecue sauce..."
"Slow down! I want to write this recipe down!"
"The recipe? For barbecue sauce?"
"No! For just what you have here. Speak slowly and don't leave anything out!"

RECIPE FOR JUST HOT DOGS WITH TOOTH PICKS IN THEM

Ingredients: HosenWurst® brand hot dogs, tooth picks

1. Cook the HosenWurst® brand hot dogs
2. Cut the HosenWurst® brand hot dogs into bite sized-pieces
3. Stick a tooth pick into each piece
4. Serve

I picked up a package of HosenWurst® brand hot dogs and a whole box of tooth picks and headed back to the Unbelieva-base. I realized when I stepped inside and saw what a shambles the place was that I had completely forgotten about the bananas and the situation Jeff and Michael had been left in. They were sitting on the floor, back-to-back, tied to a pole. Jeff had been stripped naked and one of the apes had put a pair of trousers on Michael. Both were rendered extremely uncomfortable under these conditions. The savage beasts (Bames Jond, Mr. B, Bobo and Mr. Shifter, not my colleagues) had written the word "poop" in poop on one of the walls and had taken turns doing...things...to Charley Chimp. They also stole and damaged a whole bunch of our stuff. Jeff and Michael glared at me as I untied them and went into the kitchen to prepare the snacks. I guess they were pretty mad at me but that didn't stop them from enjoying the late-night gnosh.

Hey, chimp happens.

This Gang Is A Bunch Of Animals, Part 2

It became evident rather quickly

we weren't dealing with just a bunch of well-dressed monkeys ...

Ulf The Unbelievadog, canine operative, clued us in:

"Arf! Arf! Arffy woof woof! Hooooowwwwwwwwlllllllllll ... !!!" That's all Jeff needed to hear.

"Guys! Ulf The Unbelievadog just told me the greatest threat to the world as we know it is at hand and it's in the form of a bunch of dressed-up chimps with plans to take over the world!" Jeff panted. "It's a real live version of Planet Of The Apes! Let's thwart this thing!"

Clark and I looked at each other and then back again at Jeff. "Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes! That's intel straight from Ulf!" Jeff confirmed.

"Ulf! Ulf, boy! C'mere!" Clark called. Ulf trotted over and sat down in front of Clark. "Talk to me, boy ..."

Ulf's ears pricked up and he stood: "Arf! Arf! Arffy woof woof! Hooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwlllllllllllllllllllllllll ... !!!"

"Where'd you find this out?" Clark countered.

"Woof ... *gag* ... yelp, arf woof!" came the response.

"Huh," I puffed. "Real live chimps? That's a new one. It's a wonder no one's thought of this before. Are you sure they're not being led by anyone, Ulf? They're just chimps, all on their own, instigating and planning this overthrow?"

"Woof!" Ulf responded.

"We've got to get going!" Jeff blurted.

"Hold on ... we need a plan first," I offered. Jeff and Clark agreed.

"Clark: Run to the store and get a bushel or two of bananas. Jeff: Downstairs in the storeroom behind that old box of grenades is Charley Chimp. Grab him for me, will you? Meanwhile, I need to get out of these pants and give Ulf some water. He's parched!"

Charley Chimp: Best decoy ever

Clark headed out and we heard the 'Vette roar down the road seconds later. Jeff came back up from the storeroom with Charley.

"We'll use Charley as the usual diversionary tactic and put him in the middle of the floor at the Unbelieva-Base's laundry entrance. Surround Charley with the bananas Clark will bring back for us shortly and we have that animal horde right where we want them. Besides, I've been dying to bust out the Lobster Rage Fist!"

The Lobster Rage Fist:

Quite possibly The Unbelievables' most deadly weapon

15 minutes later after planting Charley as a diversion (and still waiting on Clark to return) we heard a commotion. We flipped on the Unbelieva-Monitors keeping an eye on the faux-laundry entrance to the Unbelieva-Base.

"Uh oh. We have a problem ..." Jeff half whispered through pursed lips.

There on the screen was Mr. B, Bames Jond, Mr. Shifter, Bobo and a couple dozen more chimp goons closing in on Charley in the middle of the entrance.

"No problem. I'll activate Charley. He'll keep those chimps busy wondering what he'll do next. But that will only last half a minute at best. Even with the best of our arsenal, it's us two against almost 30 of them. We're outnumbered 15 to 1! And with Kip The Mail Boy off today*, we need Clark desperately! What's holding him up ... ??!!?"(... to be continued Friday ...)

*In all honesty, Kip isn't much help in a tussle any time. No great loss there.

This Gang Is A Bunch Of Animals

You remember our special canine operative Ulf the Unbelievadog, right?

He helped us to defeat Mac Ramey (above, trying to fend off Ulf and failing miserably.)

I told you all a while back about Ulf and our other dog pals keeping tabs on rock stars and helping them to maintain their rock'n'roll personas without doing anything embarrassing (like dad dancing, or clipping coupons for example).

Well, I mentioned that there are other animal agents in our network, and this week they are on high alert.

Here are a few of our top agents:

Nutkins the Marksman, trained in all forms of miniature weaponry.

Top spy Sniffles McGrew, getting the down-low on the low-down and dirty.

Fins O'Toole, underwater tech.

Long-range shutterbug Reynard Randall, surveillance expert.

Old Blood & Nuts himself, General Gerbil S. Patton.

Microelectronics expert - Jimmy "Papa" Roach.

Fooling everyone with their cuteness, the Whiskers Twins.

BunBun Van Flop. the Moneypenny to Ulf's 007.

So why are they on high alert, I hear you cry? So glad you asked.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to the biggest threat to the Earth since Loki tried to outdo The Avengers in a weird horned hat. (What exactly was the deal with that, anyways?)

Just can't take this guy seriously - not in that headgear, anyway.

Anyway, back to the matter in hand - the greatest threat to the world as we know it, which we aim to neatly wrap up by the end of the week, as we do.

Here are the main protagonists.

A high-ranking chimp officer known only as Mr. B. (Ulf tells me it probably stands for Buttons).

His top agent, Bames Jond - ladies man, weapons expert, addicted to tea.

The muscle of the operation - Mr. Shifter.

And their enforcer, Bobo.

Now I know to the ordinary person it just looks like a bunch of dressed-up chimps, but believe me when I say they have plans afoot to take over the Earth - yes, ladles and jellyspoons, it's a real live version of Planet Of The Apes about to take place in your neighbourhood! 

Don't believe me? Well, then feast your eyes on this latest photo from Animal Intel HQ.

Chilling stuff.

More on Wednesday.