Papa can you hear me?

"Chad hesitated briefly. "Listen, Jeff ... you better sit down* ..."


*It's not what you expect!" - from Wednesday's episode

"Jeff, before I give you the results of my test, you need to know that they suggest something of a paternal connection", said Chad. Jeff staggered unsteadily toward the nearest chair, which is redundant because rarely does someone stagger confidently, with a sense of purpose. Also, because he had just stood up and there was already a chair behind him. What sense would it make for Jeff to stagger toward some faraway chair, way off in the distance when he was right next to a perfectly good one? That's would just be a silly waste of a good stagger.

"No more wasting of words!", Jeff bellowed. "Chad, are you... trying to tell me... that Henri Petit... is my son?!? Because if that is what you're saying, I will go on a thing-destroying rampage the likes of which has never been witnessed!" He then crumpled a soda can with his bare hand, as if to provide a preview of the rampage to come. "I will also arch my back and neck and howl 'Nooooo!!' to the heavens before dropping, crestfallen and sobbing, to my knees. So I really hope that's not what you're trying to tell me, because I don't want to do any of those things." Chad replied, "Huh? No. Nothing like that at all. This has nothing to do with Henri Petit. No, I wanted to tell you that you are my father. I'm your son... DAD!"

"It's not what you expect!"

"Oh", said Jeff. "Well, that's not necessarily good news, but at least it isn't rampage-worthy. Wow. Okay, I guess." That's when Michael chimed in and asked, "Chad, are you sure about your results?" and Chad replied emphatically, "Yes, no question! The results of all the tests I've run say that Mr. Jeff Hickmont is beyond a shadow of a doubt my father. Soooo, I guess we have some catching up to do, pop. Wanna take me to a ballgame some time?" We were all quiet for a couple of seconds, taking all of this info in when Jeff said, "My name isn't Hickmont. It's Hickmott. No n's."

Now it was Chad's turn to be shocked into silence. "Huh. Will you look at that. Yep, it's not you. I guess my life's dream of meeting my father is delayed yet again." Michael said, "Good thing you didn't shell out for those ballgame tickets, Jeff!" and we all laughed, really, really hard. At that point I reached into my pocket and said, "I actually have four tickets to tonight's ballgame right here!", and we laughed even harder. Then Jeff said, "well, what about Henri Petit?" Chad answered through what sounded like sobs, "I got that part right. You're not related to him. All those connections you thought you found were just coincidences. Tenuous, awful, hideous coincidences. Nothing more."

"Cool!", we exclaimed as we hung up on Chad while he was in mid-sob and went to the ballgame, tossing the extra, unneeded ticket in the trash, where we had a wonderful time!

The Stiletto Flats Heels beat the Duckwater Quackers 4-3!