The Adaptables

One group who wanted to join up with us and fight crime actually turned to the other side when we rejected their letter. Their logic being "we went to the trouble of coming up with outfits; we have to SOMETHING with them". They became...

THE ADAPTABLES

Pictured L to R: Captain Toilet, Squeegee Man, The Green Douche, "This is not a joke! "Do you guys think this is a joke? It's not a joke!" Man, The Backgrounder, The Other Green Douche and Mr. Plugs Things In

"Wait, a team of super criminals?!? How come you guys don't battle them??" Well, the truth is that while their feelings were hurt when we turned them down, they're really not into being actual criminals. They would turn right back into good guys with the slightest invitation. In the meantime, they're out there committing their "crime wave" until someone makes that offer. Here are three documented instances, all of which we ignored for obvious reasons.

1) Dine and Dastardly Dash - The seven of them went out for late night breakfast at Denny's. After devouring platters full of omelettes, pancakes and Moons Over My Hammys, they all charged out of the restaurant before anyone could stop them... after leaving a $100 bill on the table. "They left me almost 30%!", said astonished server Annabel Davis.

2) Pay and Away - Very similar to the previous caper, they pulled their AdaptableMobile into a Circle K, went inside and paid $50 to fill it up... and then drove away without pumping any gas.

The AdaptableMobile: How they get seven guys into that thing is the real mystery.

3) Deck the Hells - One December evening they snuck onto the property of Mr. and Mrs. James Myrtle, an elderly couple in Weezer, Ohio. They set about tampering with the Myrtle's home and property. Mr. Myrtle heard noises and came outside just as they were finishing up. They saw him and took off running. Mr. Myrtle turned on the lights to see his house and trees festooned with Christmas lights and ornaments. One of the Green Douches could be heard cackling "Peace and Good Will To All!" as they scampered off into the darkness.

So yeah, we just leave them alone and let them do their thing. We wish them nothing but good luck in their quest to be heroes, but we're just not hiring right now.