Fail mail

Hoo boy, do we ever get letters. Sadly, many of them are total wastes of time that don't even merit answers. Like these:

Dear Unbelievables,
You have an Unbelievabase, Unbelievamobiles and Unbelievababes. Why don't you have an Unbelieveachoo-choo? What do you have against choo-choos? Are you not aware that the choo-choo is the reason that America was settled from coast to coast and became the greatest industrialized nation on earth? Are you too good to ride the rails and fight crime? Buy a choo-choo for Pete's sake!

Sincerely,
Pete Gordon
Choo-Choo Liquidators

Dear Unbelievables,
If you're so great, how come I don't see you on my World Cup bracket?
PS: Stay away from my girlfriend while I'm in Brasil.

Sincerely,
Cristiano Ronaldo

Dear Unbelievables,
I'm here to present a mystery to you that will test you like none other has. You see my car keys... Oops, there they are. Never mind.

Sincerely,
Stanley Limpwhistle

Dear Unbelievables,
I want to follow you guys around and document your adventures, basically serving as an unofficial official biographer. I would provide this service free of charge if you just let me sniff your fingers from time to time. What do you say?

Sincerely,
Cecil Pepperschmidt

Sigh.

Junk Mail

Oh ... we get letters all right ...

There are days when we really wonder about some of the folks out there who look up to us or admire what we do. Here ... take a gander at what we mean ...

Dear Unbelievables:

How come we never hear any adventures about those Laura or Marissa chicks that pop up now and again? 

Don't get me wrong: It's not that I'm not hip to you guys and you mixing it up with the bad eggs out there and all. And I don't have any "gay-o-phobic" problems in the least. But, you know, with all your "Hello, Ladies!" talk and you going on about the Unbelieva-Babes, you'd think they'd have a greater stake in the day-to-day activities. 

What gives? I mean ... I'd like to meet'em someday, you know. Maybe more, too. A proposal could be in order ... or something.

Jim Shanty

Jim:

They pop up here and there as various exploits and situations warrant. But, honestly, they don't like being put in the spotlight much. They prefer to keep things "behind the scenes" in a manner of speaking. 

That ... and Laura is spoken for. And Marissa? She'd squash you like a bug ... but in a good way.

Freak.

Hey, Unbelievables:

Speaking of Unbelieva-Babes, why haven't we heard anything about Elastigirl and Violet? I can't remember the last time you guys said anything about them.

I'm curious ...

George

P.S. I was wondering: Would you mind passing my name and number over to Elastigirl and putting in  good word for me? She really should be the only "Unbelieva-Babe" in your arsenal of hottie-toddies, if you catch my meaning. And I can totally see myself cozying up to her and her "elastabilities" ... if you catch my drift ...

George? I think you mean The Incredibles from the wildly popular Disney animated feature by the same name. We've never said anything about Elastigirl or Violet in our posts ... until now.

Freak.

Look:

I'm on to your game. You guys are just cheap imitations of who you say you are.

Know how I know? Because Al Capone hasn't been around since like the 30s ... I think.

So fess up, already.

Joe Fielding

Ummm ... Joe? We're pretty sure you're talking about Eliot Ness's men The Untouchables ... not The Unbeievables. We've never had anything to do with Al Capone.

Dear Untouchables:

I need a ride Monday through Friday for work. You can pick me up at my house around 7:30 each morning. It's just a short 15 minute ride to my work and on the way to your digs in Stiletto Flats so it won't be a problem for you.

I'm off around 5 every night and it's usually straight home from work. No funny business. 

Well ... every once in a while the missus wants me to stop at the store for a few things on the way home, but I shouldn't be there more than 10 minutes at a pop. And even then that won't happen much. Maybe once a week ... twice, tops.

What do you say? Pick me up beginning next week? I'll spring for half the gas if you want. And I could have coffee for you in the morning 3 out of the 5 days, too.

Cory (Coriander) McGill

When we get stuff like this, it's just a matter of putting a word in to our buddy* Kip, The Mail Boy and getting him to monitor things a little more diligently. We know the kid is sometimes overworked ... but it's what he's paid for ...

* Understand when I say "our buddy" I mean that reflective of Jeff and myself. Clark? Well ... he has a few issues with Kip.

Mail Call

Every once in a while we like to open up the fan-mail bag here on the UnbelievaBlog and answer a question or two from our legions of admirers. So here goes with one from Gerhardt Schnäbel from Blue Mound, IL:

"Hey there Unbelievables,

I've been reading your blog for a long time now and I'm a huge fan, but one thing kinda bugs me. I can't work out what year it's supposed to be or how old you are. You seem to solve crimes wearing clothes from different eras, one minute you're dressed in '70s kitsch, then stuff from the '50s and '60s, all your gadgets seem vintage, then there's some '80s references thrown in, and next thing you are solving crimes in the present day. What gives? I mean, are you guys time travellers or timelords or what?

Your friend, Gerhardt"

Wow, great question, Gerhardt. You know, I'd really love to tell you the whole story but it would take ages and I really don't have the time, if you know what I'm saying. So to make up for it, here's a cool picture of the Unbelievajalopy's new paint job! 

Cool, no?

More mailbag questions on Wednesday!

Confident Calm Personified

Even when our sweaters get pilled (and believe me: I do enjoy wearing the fashionable sweater ... usually without trousers) The Unbelievables stay cool.

Our efforts to get people confident enough to sleep peacefully at night? No matter the blood, sweat and tears we put in, we remain confident the job will get done.

The evil that abounds in the night (and the day and the afternoon and around tea time)? We're on board in our very confidence, knowing full well our joined efforts will win out in the end.

Even when something important may be missing,
I have no fear and my confidence is not shaken.
As Clark previously mentioned: The world isn't as hunky dory as everyone would like to believe.

Bees, bears and beer snobs (stupid beer snobs) do exist. And, at any time, those delightful unicorn and rainbow-bright carefree feelings can change at the drop of a hat. But that doesn't mean you need spend the day in a Debbie Downer frame of mind.

Now ... I'm not at all on board with my compatriot's "flier campaign" aimed at reassuring everyone "everything's gonna be all right." Why? Because anyone can toss an image and a snappy saying on a piece of paper, add some primary colors to make it stand out, enlarge it to overwhelming billboard-size and put it in plain sight of the viewing masses. But that's not going to convince everyone every little thing will fall into place.

Failed Unbelievable-wannabe Chuck Norris isn't gonna do it. Hopeful positivity put on display isn't going to calm genuine fears. Not even the spiffy "Stop It!" Bob Newhart video is going to do the trick 100% of the time:

(Granted: That video should allay fears and phobias ... but it's not a fool-proof methodology.)

And while the latest and greatest "Keep Calm" campaign that's been making the rounds of late is all the rage on bus stop kiosks, posters and T-shirts, I'm doubtful Jeff's good intentions will cool peoples' jets.

You know what's going to do it that my fellow Unbelievables have missed? An image that boasts assuredness. An image that exudes well being and confidence. Something so amazingly brilliant you can't help but be surrounded by a bubble of calm, causing all your fears to melt to nothingness. 

And I have just the image that will accomplish the task. Even my Unbelieva-Buddies will immediately pick up on its obviousness.

And so will you, Unbelievable friends, fans and followers.

No caption required:

Yep. The Unbelievables are on the job. No need to worry.

You're welcome.

And spread the word.

Hello, Ladies!

... meanwhile ... aboard the luxurious Unbelieva-Jet ...

Keep Calm and Let Us Do The Butt-Kicking Stuff

Here's an example of one of our fliers that are aimed at reassuring the general public (i.e. YOU) and attempting to create a warm fuzzy atmosphere in these United States and beyond. We want people to remain calm and not be afraid of too much, for reasons that Clark so eloquently laid out on Monday. So I took it upon myself to create some images that can be used as fliers, posters or billboards around the world. In the one above, we use an image of the not-very-scary-but-tries-to-be failed Unbelievable Chuck Norris, who learned everything he knows from us and then tried to make a quick buck out of it. It's an ironic image - he thinks he's badass but he really isn't.

People around the globe have phobias and fears of everything from the Russians to spiders to gay people to egg foo young, and all manner of things in between, so it's our hope that by distributing these fliers with positive messages of calmness and reassurance on them, the world will become a happier, calmer, less scary place. Calmer happier people = less stupid stuff to worry about = easier cases to solve for us crime fighting types. If people are assured that we'll deal with the really heavy stuff, then everything else is just so much bellybutton lint.

Here's a few more I'm working on, so look out for these in your neighbourhood soon.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And lots of other stuff but mostly fear.

You know what really pills our sweaters? We (Jeff, Michael and I) got into this business of international do-goodery to meet women and improve people's quality of life and meet women. By fending off bad guys, we wanted people to sleep peacefully at night, secure in the knowledge that the forces of good were out there, ever vigilant and prepared to defend them. However, in spite of our best efforts, some people are more afraid than ever. Fear breeds distrust, distrust breeds anxiety and anxiety keeps us from getting our 40 winks at night. This is terribly disappointing as it renders our efforts completely ineffectual.

Well, maybe not completely ineffectual.

Now, we're not saying the world is hunky dory and that there aren't legitimate things out there to worry about. Bees, bears and beer snobs all still exist and pose a significant threat to our well-being and state of not being annoyed. But this idea of having pre-formed, negative, fear-based opinions of people and ideas with which we're not familiar or comfortable? That's counter-productive and unnecessary, folks. Granted, there are bad people out there and there's merit to being cautious sometimes. However, for the most part, we're all the same in that we just want some activity that keeps us busy and for which we're fairly compensated, something to eat and a place where we and our loved ones can feel warm and dry. That's basically it. These irrational fears prevent us from working together for the sake of the common good.

In order to get this message out, we have dispatched Dave, one of our best and brightest interns from our training academy in Jenga Falls, Montana, to implement and oversee a grass-roots, portable sign-based awareness campaign.

Say hi to Dave, everybody.

This sign is America-centric (we're starting in America because this is where we're headquartered and this, let's face it, is where we need the most work) but it's a global initiative. I'll let the guys tell you about some of our efforts in this campaign.