Unbelievability

Truth be told, The Unbelievables? We're just average schmoes.

The difference is we go the extra mile to capitalize on our ingenuity, good looks and innovative methods of forward thinking, productivity and problem solving for the betterment of the general public at large.

See what happens when you initiate a little "get up and go" and put your money where your mouth is?

As we've stated in the past, Unbelievability isn't for everyone. As a matter of fact, it's really only fit for a mere handful of people, several who we've mentioned previously. (Elvis and Hugh Hefner among them. But that's, old news.)

Today I'll demonstrate how Unbelievability is an extension of who we are in practically every aspect of our lives, not just when ne'er-do-wells decide to raise their heads and perform their own brand of monkey business.

In my case, for example, just the other night I had a dream, a rather odd one ...

You gotta love'em, shenanigans and all ...

I was on a test flight of some new, super secret, zippy-fast military craft. In tow were none other than George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon (all of which have submitted credentials requesting honorary membership as Unbelievables, by the way ... but that's another story) along with a contingent of military personnel.  The flight began routinely enough. We took off from Edwards Air Force Base outside Palmdale, California. The venture was scheduled to buzz by all the national parks in Utah, onward to the Coors Brewery plant in Golden Colorado, a quick zip over The Grand Canyon, then back to Edwards via a flyover of Disneyland.

Not actual super secret, zippy-fast military craft.

(Duh! Hello! It's secret!)

Long story short, we got into some trouble shortly after the Disneyland flyby - the craft started going down. We were headed for some remote area of the Angeles National Forest and no one, not the pilot of the craft, Clooney nor the rest, had a clue as to what the problem was. (Like high-profile actors have any clue on how the moving parts of aircraft - and new, super secret, zippy-fast aircraft at that - function in the real world.)

I did a little poking around in one of the control panels in the cockpit of the craft while the pilot was struggling to keep us in the air. "You know" I said while we were quickly losing altitude "back at the Unbelieva-base we have technology in our villain-proof washing machine entry that appears similar to the configuration you're using here in this hoidy-toidy airplane," I mentioned to the pilot.

"Well don't just stand there! See what you can do to keep this thing aloft ... and make it quick! We've got about a minute before we crash into the treetops!" he cried.

It was a simple fix, really. Technical, but simple. The details are rather boring (as things like that usually are in dreams) but it was a rather quick and effortless fix.

Result? I saved the day, we made it back to Edwards without a scratch and ended up sitting down for congratulatory cocktails and a friendly little game of poker between the lot of us.

I was startled awake from my dream as it was time to head back to Stiletto Flats and the Unbelieva-base after our little adventure. The thing that jolted me back to reality was when I realized my poker winnings consisted of 9 $100 bills, 2 $79.00 bills and a few 10s and fivers ... all of which were fake except for the 10s and 5s.

Those guys! They're such a bunch of cards ... even in dreams!

You get the idea, though, of how we not only embody The Unbelievables but subconsciously practice our crafts even when asleep. It's a way of life, 24/7.

I mean, for me anyway. I can't speak personally for Jeff and Clark.

But they'll give you an example or two themselves as the week progresses ...

Celebs: That's How They Troll

Ah yes, dear reader. Many people like yourself are unaware of how badly celebrities can treat each other, especially when it comes to picking holes in each other's personal appearance. For example, poor George Clooney was unaware early on in his career of how famous he would eventually become, so when this photo of grade-school George leaked out, nobody batted an eye.

But then he did ER, became a megastar, and this overlooked picture became the subject of much ridicule and mirthsome joshing, mostly from other cast members and film directors. All it took was for someone to figure out that it looked almost exactly like this picture...

and Mr. Clooney has never lived it down.

Then there's the 'Thunderbirds' incident.

CNN's Fareed Zakaria has for years had to repeatedly deny that he is in fact Scott Tracy, pilot of Thunderbird 1.

"I don't know what you mean."

And Steven Seagal has been having a field day since the man-bun became popular. He calls up well-known man-bun sporting footballers such as Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Pablo Osvaldo (below)

at all hours of the day and night, berating them that they are doing it all wrong, and the Seagal ponytail (below) is the way to go.

However, the torch has been passed. Hearing of Ibrahimovic and Osvaldo's plight, and knowing how imperative it is for footballers to get a solid 8 hours rest per night, other celeb man-bun wearers such as Leo DiCaprio and Jared Leto have taken to calling up Seagal and chanting "Man-bun! Man-bun! Man-bun!" down the phone at him. 

They even sent Facebook messages with nothing but pages and pages of the words 'man bun' to him, as yet to no avail. Steven is adamant that the ponytail is still cooler than any man-bun. We are inclined to agree.

"Won't see me wearin' no man-bun."

Protecting your privacy; Not just a good idea, it's a suggestion

Hi folks. Clark here with the last installment of tips and tricks to protect your privacy.

#10  Tint your windows - Now obviously you'll want to comply with whatever legal limitations are in effect in your area but tinted windows - the tint-ier, the better - are a must. They accomplish two things: 1) They keep people from seeing what you're doing in your car and  2) They make people wonder what you're doing in your car (and the odds are that they're imagining something much sexier than what is actually taking place ie: booger picking).

#11 Change your passwords - You know how web sites offer to 'remember' your password for you so you don't have to think about it the next time you visit? You don't want that. What happens when those web sites get struck by lightning, become sentient and start raising havoc? Probably the first thing they'll do is say, "Hey, I've got Joe Blow's eBay password; let's go bid on Pez dispensers!" Besides, most sites 'forget' passwords after a while anyway. Might as well change up every so often rather than hoping you remember what it is when iTunes doesn't.

"Hey, uh, it looks like your bathing suit top came undone
 somehow there. Just thought you'd like to know."

#12 Good fences make good neighbors - As true today as it was in 1914 when John McCain coined the phrase.



Don't use "Clark" as you alias; it's been done and it isn't funny.

#13 Come up with an alias - Ever wonder why when you call the hotel where you're sure an international superstar like Jim Nabors is staying, the front desk claims he isn't there? Because he's there to relax and wants to keep people out of his private business; he's not going to check in under his real name so jamokes like you can call him up and ruin his stay. He has an alias, just like all the celebrities do. And you should too! Let your stalkers chase "you" around the country like a phantom, while "Mrs. Ruby Rippleknickers" is lounging poolside, enjoying rum drinks.

#14 Master the art of disguise - Sometimes it's not enough to simply come up with a new identity, sometimes it's necessary to actually alter your appearance. Are you known for being clean-shaven? Grow a mustache. Already got a mustache? Get rid of it (especially if you're a woman). Gain or lose significant amounts of weight. Change your hair color. Cross-dress. If you engage in these activities regularly, people will start to leave you alone even if they know who you are.

#15 Don't **** where you eat - Undoubtedly, at least some of you have an idea what the "****" stands for, and maybe you do. If so, you already know this is a common principle used to discourage someone from having a romantic relationship with a co-worker. That's solid advice; there's no quicker way to have all your dirty little secrets become common knowledge around the office than to date someone you work with. However, the reason I used the "****" instead of the crude epithet you were expecting is because the "****" can stand for lots of words that could be put there. Not only should you not **** where you eat, but you also shouldn't **** where you eat, nor should you **** where you eat and it should go without saying that you would never, ever want to **** where you eat. Not only are you putting your privacy at risk, that's also highly unsanitary (although, under certain circumstances, the concept is kinda hot). Keep those activities separated. Simply put: Eat in one place, **** elsewhere.
Well, there you have it. Some top tips from The Unbelievables on protecting your privacy. Learn them, memorize them, live by them!

Something's Not Right

Just because it's a new year, don't think the bad guys have decided to take a much-deserved break.

And ... don't for one minute think The Unbelievables are doing same.

The world is a very strange place, filled with very strange things. To the untrained eye, some of those things might appear as a quirk or kink of someone's mind ... 

...or a momentary bout of confusion ...

... mayhap a slip of the tongue or the unexpectedly caught sight of a squirrel ...

... Grease on the small screen zipping by as you're channel surfing, forcing you to snap back to that station and waste an hour of your life watching it for the umpteenth time instead of doing something important.

No. The Unbelievables know better than that ... much better.

We know there was a reason Quentin Tarantino waited for the camera to turn on him, the very instant he swigged champagne and spit it out for millions to see during Sunday's Golden Globe awards ceremony.

We know there was a reason Will Ferrell was forced to make the opening speech he did at same.

We know there's a real reason behind George Clooney subbed for an "ailing" Meryl Streep who was "under the weather."

And we know, most diabolically of all, there's a clandestine account why Jodie Foster was coerced (possibly blackmailed) into making the following highly circuitous and disjointed speech during the awards:



And there's more, too. Much more. 

But fear not: The Unbelievables are on it. And we're going to open the door on the reasons for all these weird happenings. And quickly. 

You, the trusting public, deserve to know. 

Hold onto your hats: It might not be pretty ...