Letters ... We Get (Strange) Letters

What to do ... what to do ...

I'm pretty certain I've mentioned this before ... but just in case:

When the mailbag gets a bit stuffed, we draw straws to determine the "pick" order of what's inside.

Which, when you think about it, doesn't make too much sense. Because the letters we receive are usually inside envelopes. And we don't know what's inside them. On occasion however people send us postcards so we can spy immediately what a fan (or, sometimes, a foe) might be asking of us.

"Still, Michael ... you just get first pick if you draw the long straw. You still don't know what a letter says ..." you might say.

Well, ho-HO! That's where you would be wrong. We pour out all the letters onto the grand Unbelieva-Coffee Table in our sitting room and first scan for those nifty postcards. << BOOM >> Then we open the letters and read them. THEN we draw straws. Long straw first, short straw last. See how that works?

We enjoy this immensely; it's an evening's entertainment, cheap and easy. We don't have to go out. (Or wear pants.) And oh ... the comments that get passed to and fro between us letter to letter!

Anyway, it was I who drew the short straw, i.e. the last pick. These were the "gems" I was forced to bear ...

"Dear Unbelievables:

I noticed the other morning while I was getting cream for my coffee my water filter has met its expiration date. I know this because I date my water filters so I remember when they're installed. In this case, as you can see, I haven't changed this one in a year. (I replace them at the beginning the month when I change them.)

I've seen a lot of news lately about expiration dates, many people (experts?) noting the dates themselves are only "suggestions" and that you really don't have to swear by them. So here's my question: Do I replace it? Or let it ride out a while?

Yours In Anticipation, Perplexed Patty"

Seriously ... I don't know how The Unbelievables came to be known as authorities on water filters or expiration dates, but I decided to give it a whirl anywho ... despite the fact Jeff and Clark were laughing at the note and at the fact I'd gotten it assigned to me.

So ...

"Patty:

Here's what we'd do: Bake a cake, put a single candle on it, hold it in front of you while you open the fridge and sing a rousing chorus of 'Happy Birthday' to that year-old filter. Then? Promptly change it. Unfiltered (or old filtered) water isn't something you want to fool with in this day and age. (All you have to do is read about Flint, Michigan and their water dilemma.)

Good luck, Michael"

And another ...

"UnbelievaGuys:

I've come to trust your authority on all things, no matter what. The advice I've gotten from you has been topic-varied (changing things up is good!) and useful in the extreme. So what's the final word on toilet paper and how it should be installed in the hanger and whether or not to keep the toilet seat lid up or down?

I'm an "under" dude when it comes to the paper and a "lid open so I don't wee on it in the middle of the night" professor.

Talk to me. Your words are gospel.

James"

Haven't we been through the answers on these items time and again? I know we've posted about toilet paper and its proper orientation in the loo previously. *sigh*

"James:

The genius patent holder of toilet paper makes it clear. See original illustration:

And ... if you have any questions about whether or not to leave the lid open, there's a program out there with Mike (Dirty Jobs) Rowe I can't locate that discusses various preventative measures to keep germs at a minimum. In it, Mike subjects himself to all sorts of stuff: A woman sneezes on him and analysts examine the spewage for disease and the like, he probes into the differences in cleanliness of dog slobber vs. human slobber and, more to the point, the "spray area" of an opened toilet when flushed is scrutinized. Trust me ... you will not only be horrified by the results you'll be scared into doing right thing.

Plus, you know ... stop being lazy.

Don't Write Us Again, Please ... Michael"

Yep. Even our off-the-clock activities can be trying sometimes.

Let's see what Clark has in store for Friday ...

Pet Peeves And The Unbelievables

Pet peeves.

Everyone's got'em. You. Me. Our nemeses. That guy standing at the bus stop.

The difference between theirs and ours, however, is ours have worked to our advantage when it comes to crime fighting.

One of my personal peeves? Leaving the toilet lid up. Note I said "lid" ... not "seat." (Some of you out there are tilting your heads and quizzically huffing "Huh?") There's a difference.  

The "seat" of the toilet is what you sit the back of your front upon. The "lid" is the cover which tops the seat. Once "engaged" you can sit on it (with clothes on or off) to relax and think a bit before venturing out into the world. You can prop your feet atop it to paint your toenails. You can stand on it to reach that cobweb in the corner you obviously forgot when you cleaned last week. (Or last month. Or October.) And there's more, more, more.

You see ... there's a contingent of folks out there who do not close the lid of the loo when they're finished visiting "the library." Thus my peeve. I'm not the OCD type who must have everything "just so" (so he says, confident in the fact his hands have been washed several times already this morning). But!  A clean and tidy restroom comes complete with the toilet lid down.

This isn't just for aesthetics, you understand. There's a method to the madness. Regular practice of flipping down the lid prevents beloved pets from using the john as a water bowl. A closed lid deters any non-toilet bowl items and gadgets from falling into 3 liters of wetness. Practicality is key here. You've heard (and possibly experienced) the horror of dropping your cell phone in the bowl, only to retrieve it and find it discombobulated beyond revivification. (You haven't yet? Well ... keep leaving that lid up. It'll happen soon enough. Don't pooh-pooh it. Eventually, it happens to everyone who refuses to heed this warning.)

Bringing that lid to a horizontal position will save your life as well. Drop that plugged in hair dryer in the watery depths and you flirt with electrocution. With the topper shut, that dryer deflects off it and drops to the ground harmlessly (unless bare feet are in the way). No need for fear of being fried with your hair still freshly washed.

So you may be asking yourself: "Michael ... this is all well and fine, but how has it benefited The Unbelievables?"

Well ... the bad guys on the long list of Unbelievables' Enemies are interesting ones. The list contains everyone from those who want to take over the world to some who simply want to cause mischief. There are brilliant ones and bumbling ones. It's those bumblers whose antics make life easy for us.

There's been many a time when some evil doer's gun accidentally got dropped in the shitter as we've come upon them in a "compromising position." There was the instance when Chafe Del Husqvarna let slip an almost-put-together detonator right into an open-lidded bowl. (A soggy detonator isn't conducive to engaging a device.) Then there was the time one common villain (I forget who) tried escaping us by exiting out a bathroom window. As he launched himself up to a window above a toilet, he stuck his foot right into wetness and got caught. Not only was he unable to grab purchase in order to lift himself window-ward, he ended up confined at the ankle courtesy of the swishy waterworks. All because someone didn't have the common sense to tip the toilet lid shut.

See? Safety, practicality, functionability. But, since the deed wasn't done, the bad guy got nabbed.

Internally, we used to have the same problem with fellow Unbelievable Jeff. (You know how the British are: They're "proper" and all that, but ... well ...) Clark and I are happy to report, however, he has been ... erm, uhm ... "educated" in restroom decorum and currently all is right with the world.

So shut those lids, folks! You'd've never thunked doing so could deter crime. Did you?

Mine is a simple pet peeve. Wait 'til you get a load of the ones Clark and Jeff have in store for you ...