Travellin' Light

Here we are again, folks, to offer guidance from our vast collective bank of Unbelievable experiences about travel. Here to give Conde Nast a run for their money. And today it's my turn. So get ready for

JEFF'S TOP TRAVELIN' TIPS!

1. Let's Insta!
Before we get started, it is vitally important that you take pictures of everything you do on your hols and then post them on Instagram. This will have the effect of either making your holiday destination seem exotic and amazing, or make you seem like a total nob. Or both.

2. Let's pack!
On a serious note, there is one packing tip I can offer that makes complete and total sense - pack light. If you can't fit everything you need into a small suitcase or a rucksack, you're taking too much. Pretty much every hotel will either supply toiletries or be within spittin' distance of a pharmacy and a launderette. Pack your undies and socks in your T-shirts, army roll style. Take enough for three days and then do a wash. Oh, and don't forget to Insta the whole process.


3. Let's Lingo!
Download an app for "Common Phrases" on your phone, then clumsily attempt to use it on the first local you meet. Then become awkwardly self-conscious, ditch the app and say everything loudly and slowly in English anyway. Then feel relief as you learn the locals can all speak fairly decent English.

Pardon?

4. Let's nosh!
Go on TripAdvisor and Yelp to find the best local eateries. Then completely ignore them and go to whichever one you happen upon first. It makes no difference. And then Insta your food so that your friends back home will be jealous.

5. Let's Shop!
Now, I know many of you will not be interested in shopping save for the beachwear stores, but let's say the tourist destination you have chosen is noted for being a shopping mecca. If this is the case, you'll at least have to go through the motions of hitting the shops in case your lame friends back home start to question exactly how style-savvy you are. First, avoid the name-brand stores you can find anywhere and head to the cool, hip local boutiques. Then Insta yourself holding a price tag and caption it "Lolol how much??" or "Daaaammmnn these prices cray-cray!!" and they'll think you've become a style-and-price-conscious fashion maven, and you've only wasted two hours and saved a bundle by not buying anything.

6. Let's Be Security Conscious!
Like us, you know full well that foreign countries are full of unscrupulous characters and shifty types who would sell their own grandma for five bucks given half a chance. So, to be sure of keeping your valuables safe, you should (a) put them in a money belt or fannypack so that you can look even more touristy in public, or (b) just keep your wallet in your pocket and continually do the "Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch" dance everywhere you go. Either way, don't forget to put it on Insta.

7. Let's Get Blitzed!
If you want to go bar-hopping, do it in the company of some of your friends. Do not do it in the company of some other tourists you just met. You'll end up drunk, yes, but probably sans clothes and/or wallet. Or you could go to the clubs, where you will realise after about 30 seconds that it is impossible to enjoy yourself when you are trying to chat up a foreign babe and buy a rink in a dark room full of sweaty types while getting your ears bashed by Euro-techno. You will also then realise that you don't even go to the clubs in your hometown, so what the hell are you doing? Nope, best way to get drunk on vacay is to go to the hotel bar during Happy Hour and down a few Cosmos. Oh, and don't forget to put it on Insta.

So there you are, folks. Just a few hard-learned lessons from your man in the know.

Michael will be back on Friday with his take on travel.

Some pumpkin-spiced party advice

Hi folks! Halloween is right around the corner and no doubt you're all knee-deep in party planning. But in between preparing the candied meatballs, the haunted weenies-on-a-stick and the bobbing-for-chili tub, is there anything you might have forgotten? Hmmmm....?

"Oh my God! I forgot to prepare a Halloween costume!"

Yeah, you did! Silly! Ha ha! It's okay, though. We're here to help and that's exactly what we're going to do. I'll start us off but my colleagues will be chiming in later this week so tune in often and bring friends!

It's not the very-early-prototype Michelin Men costumes you should be admiring here (although those are nice!) but rather the folks in the background. That's right, get a bunch of friends together and go trick-or-treating as a Creepy, Blank-Eyed Mob!

There's nothing funnier than a human-esque body with a disproportionately sized head. Be it too large or too small, people love it when body parts don't quite line up. Go big and put yourself out there as a Mardi Gras character. Or shrink it and go as whatever that would be. I don't know and I don't really care.

You can be original or you can follow a wildly popular trend. Of course, you'll see this one a lot. It's Mr. and Mrs. Telephonehead from "The Mr. and Mrs. Telephonehead Show". Sample dialogue from that show:

MR. TELEPHONEHEAD: Hey, did you call me?
MRS. TELEPHONEHEAD: Of course I did. I have a telephone on my head. I call you all day long.
MR. TELEPHONEHEAD: Oh yeah. I forgot.
MRS. TELEPHONEHEAD: Oh, you ding-a-ling!

"Oh, you ding-a-ling" is the most popular catchphrase in the history of television.

Ladies, I know you're fed up to here with the pressure to come up with some "sexy" costume. I understand. That's a lot of unnecessary sexism. Look at these Hoochie Mamas, just puttin' it out there. Gross, right? Don't cave in to that mindset!

Just dial back the sexiness! Be whatever you want but just cover up a little. Leave something up to the imagination. Take a peek at these Witches on their way to a party. They look... nice. I'll bet they're going to have... fun. Sure. Sure they are.

When it comes to children, obviously sexy costumes are completely inappropriate. I don't know that substituting Hatred for sexiness is the best idea though.

If you really get stuck for an idea, just go out in the garage, find what you can and go nuts on it with scissors and glue, put Whatever You End Up With on your head and get a stick. If people don't get it, that's their problem. You're wearing a leotard, this is your date and you're going to be blind drunk in less than an hour. Clearly you don't care what anybody thinks. Which is exactly as it should be.

A serious note from Jeff

Hello, Unbelievables fans. Jeff Hickmott here, taking me dog Patches for walkies around the British village of Lancstershire-In-Shambles where I'm on holiday. That's what we British people call vacations and I am British.

We've had a lot of fun this week talking about disguises, haven't we? Yes. Yes,we have. But it's important to remember to be ourselves, whether it's you Yanks or us Brits (that's short for British People, of which I am one). Be true to who we are and those we care about. Sure, I can drive a lorry down to the local pub and watch football with me mates while downing fish and chips and ale by the litre, but eventually I'm going to say, "Cor, I've downed too many litres of ale, I 'ave, I 'ave" and then I'm going to have to take a lift to the loo. And there, I'm going to have to be okay with being meself, a British bloke here in Jolly Old England, which is British for Great Britain. And blimey, you should bloody well do likewise!

Still more maje-e-estic shalt thou rise,

More dre-e-e-e-eadful from each foreign stroke,

More dreadful, dreadful from each foreign stroke,

Loud blast above us, loud blast that tears the skies

Serves but to ro-o-o-ot thy native oak.

Rule Britannia!

Britannia rule the waves.

Britons never, never, never shall be slaves.

Rule Britannia!

Britannia rule the waves.

Britons never, never, never shall be slaves.

Ha! Suckers! I fooled you! It's me, Clark, disguised as Jeff! Wooooo! You should see your faces right now.  You were totally sucked in.You're all like, "W-h-a-a-a-a-t???"
Mind. Blown.

Depicted: You (when did you start dressing like Buddy Holly?)

Don't deny it; my absolutely top-notch, genius-level impersonation of Jeff was totally aided by my ever-so-subtle British colloquialisms. You chumps never had a chance. And that's the real lesson we learned this week; you can never let your guard down when dealing with masters of disguise!

Protecting your privacy; Not just a good idea, it's a suggestion

Hi folks. Clark here with the last installment of tips and tricks to protect your privacy.

#10  Tint your windows - Now obviously you'll want to comply with whatever legal limitations are in effect in your area but tinted windows - the tint-ier, the better - are a must. They accomplish two things: 1) They keep people from seeing what you're doing in your car and  2) They make people wonder what you're doing in your car (and the odds are that they're imagining something much sexier than what is actually taking place ie: booger picking).

#11 Change your passwords - You know how web sites offer to 'remember' your password for you so you don't have to think about it the next time you visit? You don't want that. What happens when those web sites get struck by lightning, become sentient and start raising havoc? Probably the first thing they'll do is say, "Hey, I've got Joe Blow's eBay password; let's go bid on Pez dispensers!" Besides, most sites 'forget' passwords after a while anyway. Might as well change up every so often rather than hoping you remember what it is when iTunes doesn't.

"Hey, uh, it looks like your bathing suit top came undone
 somehow there. Just thought you'd like to know."

#12 Good fences make good neighbors - As true today as it was in 1914 when John McCain coined the phrase.



Don't use "Clark" as you alias; it's been done and it isn't funny.

#13 Come up with an alias - Ever wonder why when you call the hotel where you're sure an international superstar like Jim Nabors is staying, the front desk claims he isn't there? Because he's there to relax and wants to keep people out of his private business; he's not going to check in under his real name so jamokes like you can call him up and ruin his stay. He has an alias, just like all the celebrities do. And you should too! Let your stalkers chase "you" around the country like a phantom, while "Mrs. Ruby Rippleknickers" is lounging poolside, enjoying rum drinks.

#14 Master the art of disguise - Sometimes it's not enough to simply come up with a new identity, sometimes it's necessary to actually alter your appearance. Are you known for being clean-shaven? Grow a mustache. Already got a mustache? Get rid of it (especially if you're a woman). Gain or lose significant amounts of weight. Change your hair color. Cross-dress. If you engage in these activities regularly, people will start to leave you alone even if they know who you are.

#15 Don't **** where you eat - Undoubtedly, at least some of you have an idea what the "****" stands for, and maybe you do. If so, you already know this is a common principle used to discourage someone from having a romantic relationship with a co-worker. That's solid advice; there's no quicker way to have all your dirty little secrets become common knowledge around the office than to date someone you work with. However, the reason I used the "****" instead of the crude epithet you were expecting is because the "****" can stand for lots of words that could be put there. Not only should you not **** where you eat, but you also shouldn't **** where you eat, nor should you **** where you eat and it should go without saying that you would never, ever want to **** where you eat. Not only are you putting your privacy at risk, that's also highly unsanitary (although, under certain circumstances, the concept is kinda hot). Keep those activities separated. Simply put: Eat in one place, **** elsewhere.
Well, there you have it. Some top tips from The Unbelievables on protecting your privacy. Learn them, memorize them, live by them!

Unbelieva-Tips #'s 4 - 9

Following Jeff's Unbelieva-Tips lead from Monday, why don't we just keep keepin' on?


Unbelieva-Tip #4:  "Always keep'em guessing"

That's right ... and this not only works on multiple facets, on different levels and is unique when applied to different individuals, but if you play the confusion game correctly they'll never know what you're truly up to ... even when they already know. (Plus, it compliments Unbelieva-Tip #2 Jeff mentioned last post.)

"I know what you're up to, you know."

"Well ... I'm pretty certain I know what you're up to."

"Look, you can't fool me - I've seen you do this before."

"That is what you're going to do ... isn't it? "

"Okay ... give me a hint. Now. Please."

"CRIPES AND CRIPES ... !!! JUST TELL ME WHAT YOUR PLANS ARE SO I CAN GET ON WITH THE REST OF MY DAY, ALREADY ... !!!"

See what I mean?


Unbelieva-Tip #5:    "It's better to remain silent and be thought a fool rather than open your mouth and remove all doubt"

I learned this from my father who mistakenly took it as a quotation from Abraham Lincoln. Rather, it has roots courtesy of The Bible, Proverbs 17:28: "Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent and discerning if they hold their tongues."

It goes hand in hand with "always keep'em guessing" above.
  Unbelieva-Tip #6:    "You can't snow the snowman"

Think about it: You start a snowball fight with a snowman. Now ... who do you think is going to win? Enough said.


Unbelieva-Tip #7:    "'Always' and 'Never' are absolutes. Always remember never to use them."

No matter how you use these words, you're never going to get them right. You're always going to screw up when you commit them to print or use them as part of your regular vernacular. 

Get it? Got it? Good ...


Unbelieva-Tip #8:    "Don't go changing to try and please me. I love you just the way you are."

Yep ... you got it: Billy Joel. Dude was pretty wise when he wrote that and it still holds true to this very day.

If there's one thing The Unbelievables love about our foes, it's the fact they're pretty predictable. Honestly ... we love that. They do the same damned things over and over and over and over again, mixing it up only slightly to throw a wrench in the machine (they think) every once in a while. But ... they're creatures of habit. Their old ways surface and bubble to the top of the saucepan revealing who they really are. Silly villains ...
  Unbelieva-Tip #9:    "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands."



This doesn't apply only to campfire songs you sing while sitting around roasting marshmallows, you know. It's perfect for any occasion.

Stop right in the middle of what your doing and sing it out loud ... followed, of course, by a raucous << clap, clap >> afterward. You immediately feel better. 

Because, really: Don't we all want to feel better about everything?

Next up: Clark's super Unbelieva-Tips