The Play's The Thing

One of the highlights (for me, at least) of the ICC conference was the annual Nativity play. Oh yes, that's a big draw every time. Now you might think it a bit unusual for a convention of professional crime fighters to do what is essentially a kids' play, but after all the seriousness of the workshops and seminars and testing of new equipment etc. it's a welcome relief on the last afternoon to write and perform a skit and blow off a bit of steam.

L to R: Super Gold Man as a Wise Dude, Diamond Dave as an angel, Weirdie Beardie as Joseph,  Turkey Man As, uh, Turkey man, Kyra Sedgwick's double as another angel, Mick Hucknall/James Hetfield Man as either Mick Hucknall or James Hetfield, and Frank Bruno as crocodile.

Here's the script that I wrote. 


SCENE 1 - MARY AND JOSEPH AND THE ANGEL

Joseph –(steps forward) Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl and their names was Mary and Joseph. I am Joseph. One day an angel appeared to Mary. She is Amy, I mean, Mary (points at Mary then steps back)

Mary – (doing her nails). An angel appeared to me. He was really big and came from God, a bit like Jeff, and he had a bright light behind him, but I didn’t like his outfit, it was a bit over the top, too sparkly for me and what was he thinking with those wings... (Joseph looks at her and she gets back on track) .Oh, sorry, he said, “I am G.. G... Gordon? Graham. Gabrielle.. I mean Gabriel, an angel. You will have a baby boy and call him Jesus.” I said to him “but I want to call him Rylan” as I like that name as I want him to be famous. The angel said no and flew away.

Joseph – (steps forward) One day I saw that Mary was getting a bit fat. I said to Mary, “are you getting a bit fat? Have you been eating too many mince pies..? Or figgy pudding?” I should not have said that. My advice to men is don’t say what I said next. I said, “I thought Santa Claus was a man? You are big enough to be Santa”. Don’t say that. Mary had been drinking some mulled wine and this is what happened.. (steps back)

Mary – (hits him) No, I am having a baby you twit!

Joseph – (Shocked) Are you? How did this happen? I don’t understand..

Mary – well Joseph, when a man and a woman love each other very much.. (whispers to Joseph about how babies are made)

Joseph – (the truth gradually dawns on Joseph). Oh.. I see.. (embarrassed)

Joseph – (steps forward) Mary explained God had sent an Angel. (steps back)

Mary – God sent an angel. He is like a mailman, but from God.. and always on time.. more Godmail than U.S. Mail.. and he doesn’t need a letterbox..

Joseph – An angel?! Sounds a bit funny to me, but OK. So a big shiny dude with a light behind him flew down from the sky and God had sent him and he said that you would be the mother of Jesus, even though you are still a virgin and not married.. I am convinced that you saw an angle.

Mary – (points at his script and whispers) – An angel.

Joseph – (looks at script, turns upside down, looks embarrassed) – an angel..

 SCENE 2 - On The Way To Bethlehem

(Joseph on a donkey, Mary walking - going 'clip clop' on a broom handle)

Mary – Joseph, I’m sure that in the Christmas story, Mary was riding on the donkey. I want a go on the donkey..

Joseph – yeah, but I like this donkey.. Clip, clop, yee haa..

(they fight over the broomstick, before Mary glares and ‘wins’. Joseph sulks and says stuff like “it’s not fair..”)

Mary – (shakes head at Joseph and steps forward) One day we went to a new town. It was a horrible place, and very dirty and smelly, a bit like Tacoma, but it was called Bethlehem.

SCENE 3 - Bethlehem

Joseph – (Joseph steps forward) It took a long time to get to Bethlehem because of all the traffic lights. We tried to find somewhere nice to stay but there was no room at any of the inns because of the students on their gap year living on a kibbutz who had not gone home for Christmas and whose cars were in all the residents parking spaces. We had to park the donkey on double yellow lines.. (steps back)

Mary – I told Joseph we should book ahead on Trivago, but would he listen..?! We even had to pay a parking ticket on the donkey.. Eventually we found a small farm with animals, it was called Shady Acres and I had my baby. There were no midwives as they had not been invented and we didn’t want to go to Stiletto Flats Medical Center.

Mary – (totally unconvincing and lacklustre noises of pain) Ouch, oo, no it hurts. It is so painful. I cannot believe the pain I am in. Oh no, ouch, ouch. Please no more. This childbirth is terrible..

Joseph - (watching TV) Shut up, don't be so noisy, I’m watching God TV Christmas special..

Mary - oo, the baby is coming (pulls cushion out from under top and throws it to the side.. Pause.. Mary & Joseph look nervously at each other. Someone rushes on and gives Mary a toy dog wrapped up in a towel instead)

Mary - look it's a baby, who’s a coochy woochy little babywaby then.. (makes a lot of baby noises at the 'baby')

Joseph – (gets up and looks at Mary). Why are you making those funny noises? It’s not a baby, it’s a toy dog.. Why are you playing with a toy dog?

Mary – shh, no it isn’t a toy dog you fool, it’s a real baby (whacks Joseph)

Joseph – Ow, I mean, isn't she lovely..

Mary - (whispers) He!

Joseph – (realises mistake, looks up nervously). I mean, wow, isn't he lovely..

Mary – (steps forward). One day some shepherds came to visit. (Steps back)

Shepherd - (With towel over head. Makes ‘mooo’ noises..)

(Mary runs over to Joseph and whispers). Joseph realizes mistake and starts making ‘baaa’ noises). Shh, be quiet Shawn.. Shawn, stay there.. (pretending to talk to Shawn the sheep). I am a shepherd. Of sheep that go ‘baa’ not ‘moo’. I have travelled from, uh, the desert, and shizz. I saw an angel and I thought I was hallucinating from Jeff's mulled wine. But I wasn’t. He said, “Go to see a Saviour born in a crib in Bethlehem.” So here I am. I don’t have any gifts because I have forgotten them because I am a man.. Baaa.. Shh! Shawn..

Mary – this is Jesus (pointing to baby). He is the Saviour of the world.

Shepherd – (long pause, they look at each other nervously as if they don't know what to say next). I see. He is a nice baby. (Long pause. Then shepherd walks off).

Mary – (steps forward). And then some wise people came along. They were called wise men, because they were wise. (steps back). Hello wise man.

Wise Man – (walks on wearing wise hat - a bit of paper with the words, 'Wise man' written on. It is upside down). We are wise men.. I mean I am a wise man. (Impersonates a geek). The square root of 4 is 2..

Mary - What was the first player to score a hat-trick in the world cup called?

Wise Man – (Impersonates a geek). I can tell you that Bert Patenaude was the first player to score a hat-trick in a World Cup match, on 19 July 1930 against Paraguay. However there is some controversy, because some people say that Patenaude scored 2 goals and the other was an own goal, in fact we could say that the first hat trick was scored by Argentinian Guillermo Stabile..

Mary – Shh! Which verses in the Bible say that 3 wise men visited baby Jesus?

Joseph – I am very wise and I have again searched google.israel for the answer to this one. (Impersonates a geek). We only assume that there were three wise men because of the three gifts that were given: gold, incense, and myrrh – so says Matthew 2:11. However, the Bible does not say there were three wise men. Additionally, it is doubtful that the wise men visited Jesus immediately after his birth. In fact, the wise men came months (or possibly as much as two years) later, when Joseph and Mary had settled in Nazareth..

Mary – Er, yes, anyway…

Wise Man – I come bearing 3 gifts.. an Xbox One, an iPhone 7 and a TomTom GPS.. (Mary shakes her head). I mean, gold, frankincense, and myrrh.. Funny gifts really. Gold is the gift for a king; incense, the gift for a priest; and myrrh, a burial ointment as a gift for one who would die.

Both Together – (say together, but out of time with one another) and that is the Christmas story of how Jesus was born.


(Both look cheesily at audience, then both curtsy)

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