Leap Of The Lame

"Perhaps Michael can unearth some more info about them on Friday."

And "unearth" some more info I did. Reluctantly.

Let me explain ...

The Leapers aren't your ordinary ne'er do wells as you've read. Leaping about? Appearing only every 4 years as Leap Year's Day approaches? What idiocy is that, anyway?

And, truth be told, they're not that adept at thievery or as baddies. As Clark stated, they're "more a gaggle of annoying boobs" than anything else.

But, pain that it may be, we're called upon to quash their antics every election year like clockwork. It's really not that hard.

We find them, they get excited at our appearance, they get more agitated than usual, they do more leaping than usual and we nab them in mid leap. There's not much they can do about it. Easy, peasy.

But ... that "unearthing" I mentioned above ...

It seems the lot of them are from Down Under, I discovered. We didn't know this until recently. They neatly and effectively masked their Aussie accents for some reason -- we just assumed they were from somewhere in the states.

Anyway, some of my sleuthiness revealed they almost worship the Sony PlayStation character Crash Bandicoot. Their logic? Crash was continuously leaping about and crashing into stuff. In the case of the original game he was developed for, Crash "crashed" into crates releasing puzzle pieces to solve puzzles. There was more crashing than leaping, but the leaping part of the character stuck with The Leapers. (Because ... would you believe a gang of sub-par villains named "The Crashers" ... ??? Sounds more like they break into residences and pass out cold 'til morning.)

Thus, the somewhat perplexing origin of The Leapers, such that it is. I know, pretty lame. But what are you going to do? We don't give bad guys their names, they didn't give us ours. (Which, incidentally, is a pretty badass moniker for a top-notch crime fighting team.)

In many ways? The Leapers are a sad, sorry excuse for thugs. Dumb as Henri Petit is, at least he's got some skills. As "nice" as Negative Charge ("Master Of Electricity") is, he sports a menacing computer monitor for a head. The Leapers? They leap. And commit simple thievery, what they believe is the condolence prize for their inability to make it as premiere athletes. Wow.

And there you have it. *yawn* Now? We need to skedaddle and go monitor what those dolts are up to. Life may not always be glamorous as an Unbelievable ... but ...

Wait ... what? Am I goofy?!? Life as an Unbelievable is kick ass! We wouldn't want it any other way!

Weekend? And Unbelieva-Babes? Here we come ... !!!

Failure To Leap

The big problem I have with the Leapers is that their activities, while named after the Leap Year, have nothing to do with the calendar event at all, save the fact that they only start their mini crime waves around the time of the Leap Month (February) and more specifically, the Leap Day (Feb. 29th). 

Similarly, the Leap Year (or, as I prefer to call it, the bissextile year) has nothing to do with leaping per se. The name springs from the fact that while a fixed date in the Gregorian calendar normally advances one day of the week from one year to the next, the day of the week in a leap year will advance two days (from March onwards) due to the extra day added at the end of February (thus "leaping over" one of the days in the week. 

So basically, the Leapers are just a bunch of criminals who like to jump around, and are only active once every four years.

What else happens only once every four years?

The Olympic Games.

On a Leap Year, in fact.

So could it be that the Leapers are in fact a group of disgruntled ex-Olympians? 

No.

They are a group of disgruntled ex-athletes who never quite made the cut for their country's Olympic team, and have been seething about it ever since.

So deep is their anger over being snubbed by their coaches and Olympic selectors, they have decided to wreak revenge in Olympic years only.


After doing a little digging, I discovered some of their identities.

Larry McGarrigle, failed hurdler...

Lester Square, high jump pratfalls his speciality.

Lewis N. Hyland, not much cop at high jump either.

Lionel Flair, equally talented.

Louis Banzai, long jump cock-ups on request.

As you can see from the file photos I have been able to find, the Leapers were clearly passed over by their country's Team Selection Committees with good reason. It seems, however, that the Leapers themselves are clearly deluded as to the extent of their abilities and now hold a grudge. 

However, why they choose Olympic Years to commit small-time larceny is still a mystery. Perhaps Michael can unearth some more info about them on Friday.

(Don't) Fear... The Leapers!

Every four years, we experience what is known as Leap Year: the insertion of an extra day into the calendar so that over time, Halloween doesn't eventually fall on Valentines Day, baseball season doesn't begin in November and volcanoes don't explode in Manhattan.
Also, every four years, we deal with these clowns...

The Leapers

Less a gang of criminals and more a gaggle of annoying boobs, The Leapers are dormant for four years between crime waves. It's not like we don't know (and dread) their arrival, but because of what is obviously a deep-seated desire for attention, they always feel the need to warn us anyway.

"Dear Unbelievables,The time of The Leapers is almost nigh! Try to stop us if you dare!! Or if you feel like it (please try to stop us; we bought new outfits and everything this year).Leapity leap leap leap!Sincerely,Larry, Louis, Leonard, Lewis, Lester, Larry (a different one) and Lionel"

Their thing is that they run around and leap. That's it. They leap while robbing banks. They leap when they kidnap an heiress. They leap when they jaywalk (see illustration above). That's it. Standard, garden variety criminals who jump up and down. As such, they're very easy to capture; just let them launch themselves upward and wait for them to come back down, because of gravity. Still, they are criminals. Relatively harmless and silly criminals, but criminals none the less. As such, we're obligated to stop them.

They won't start really acting up until February (Leap Month) 29th (Leap Day), but we need to get ready for them.

Jeff and Michael will share more info later this week.

502

How does one celebrate 500 adventures? How does one celebrate 500 anything?

Well, Hampton Court Palace in England celebrated its 500-year anniversary by knocking together a few fake coaches and sticking them on the lawn...

Adam Richman celebrated his 500-pound weight loss by, um, getting naked.

Perez Hilton celebrated his 500 kilo weight loss by opening his mouth really wide. (Nothing unusual there).

So what did I do?

First, I hopped into my Galaxie 500...

  
where I listened to Peter, Paul and Mary singing 500 Miles.



Then I switched gears a little by getting into my Fiat 500...

and listening to some Galaxie 500.



Then, I went into the kitchen and perused one of my Christmas presents,

after which I went and sat in the lounge to read another good book.

Then it was time for some more music.









and one more for luck.




Five x 100 Years = 500 Years.

Then I went to bed. All that math is exhausting!

Flying high over and past 500

The celebration of the Fantastic 500 was/is one to behold, if not experience. Michael observed the occasion at 30,000 feet. Jeff did his thing, which he will tell you about on Friday. And I marked it, as well as the incoming New Year, with a night of quiet contemplation and introspection. Yes, 500 is quite an impressive milestone. But what does one do when they reach a milestone? Does one stop? Perhaps, briefly, to take note of what has come before and what may lie ahead, but no, nobody actually stops at a milestone.

"Well, we're here. I guess."

No! One continues onward and upward! or outward or down or wherever it is they're headed.

And so that's we did/do/are doing/done. As such, you can look forward to more...

Nefarious ne'er-do-wells

Fabulous femme fatales

Varoom-y vehicles (sometimes, alliteration is hard)

And the annoying little twerp Henri Petit will undoubtedly stick his misshapen malignant melon (ah, I'm back!) into things at some point.

"Ah yes, I have grand, twisted, evil plans indeed for The Unbelievables in 2016! And finally, they will pay me the respect to which I am... Hey, put me down! What are you doing? Do NOT buckle me into a car seat, place me in the back seat of a minivan and turn on 'Finding Nemo'! I keep telling you that I am an adult and I... " 

Mai-Tai In The Sky: Oh ... Might I? Might I?

Time really does fly, you know.

For example, all of a sudden you look up, the New Year has unfolded before you and it just so happens The Unbelievables have committed 500 crime-fighting adventures and other acts of derring-do.

Realizing this marker of our sometimes wild history, I knew I needed to mark the occasion. I was flying from one exotic locale to another after 2016 broke and decided a little impromptu shindig was in order. Where better than way far up in the air? Who doesn't like a surprise party at 30,000 feet? And, of course, it had to be a cocktail party ...

I made some hasty but exacting arrangements with the airline and told them of my plans. "It has to be very hush-hush so as not to spoil the surprise," I told the plane's crew after getting the okay from head honchos. (I even got a replacement captain and co-pilot so the main fliers of the ship could join in on the festivities.)

The best glassware was busted out ...

... it just so happened I had nondescript handouts to pass to everyone after we took off ...

... and I set my sites on making the official announcement.

The passengers, the entire lot, were giddy with excitement. There was almost a stampede as everyone got on the plane.

A grand time was had by all. I made it known I would be documenting the event for publication on The Unbelievables' website so there was no lack of tales to tell during the couple hour flight time. Laughter was in the air, numbers were exchanged, there was dancing in the aisles and future dates set (Airline! Matchmaking!) from start to finish.

The substitute flight crew was a little suspect: 

 
We did experience a few drops and barrel rolls during our flight. But when those came around everyone had comfortably knocked back a second highball and the giddiness evident all around superseded note of anything being amiss in the cockpit. (It did benefit that one couple doing a few break dance moves on the fly. Please pardon the pun.)

On arrival, there was backslaps and ear-to-ear grins from the front of the plane to the back. Everyone personally wished me a Happy New Year, thanked me profusely for the hospitality and made sure I planned on conveying their heartfelt sincerities to my missing colleagues.

Cocktails and non-stop laughter with a couple hundred of your (new) closest friends: Not a bad way to spend a couple hours' time from destination "A" to destination "B" ... eh? (Bonus: I recruited a few possible Unbelieva-Babes while schmoozing, too. They'll be stopping by the Unbelieva-Base  in the next week or so to fill out applications.)

If there's one thing The Unbelievables can't be limited to, it's quashing the evil plans of ne'er-do-wells 24/7. There's got to be a little give and take to break up the day, if you know what I mean.

Clark? Jeff? Take it away ...

We Have Fought For Our Right To Party

Hello folks!

Just wanted to leave a quick note that we're off for a few days over the holiday season. I was going to say that we are off on some tip-top-secret assignment but that would be an utter lie. Truth is, we've had so many invites to cocktail soirées, dinner parties and collegiate keggers this year, we've decided to forgo the annual spiritual renewals, hatha yoga retreats and muesli farming weekenders in favour of eating and drinking and partying waaaay too much. We figure we've done a lot this year and we deserve the chance to kick back and enjoy ourselves like regular shlubs.

So it's good bye to this:

The gang at Camp Crystal Reiki last year. Fun bunch.

"Where are the Unbelievables?"

and hello to this:

Chug it! Chug it! Chug it!

Sandra got a new Hostess trolley, look!

Giles and Sue's cocktail-o-rama!

The McGillivray's Cheese 'n' wine festival.

Christmas with the Kitsch Bitsch...

World-O-Cheesy-Puffs Xmas X-travaganza!

We will post updates on our party progress as and when we have the time (and are sober enough). Feliz Navidad, y'all!

P.S. We have been asked via email what we are getting Kip The Mail Boy for Christmas. Well, he's been bugging us for months about this...

..so we might just get him a book token.