Travellin' Light

Here we are again, folks, to offer guidance from our vast collective bank of Unbelievable experiences about travel. Here to give Conde Nast a run for their money. And today it's my turn. So get ready for

JEFF'S TOP TRAVELIN' TIPS!

1. Let's Insta!
Before we get started, it is vitally important that you take pictures of everything you do on your hols and then post them on Instagram. This will have the effect of either making your holiday destination seem exotic and amazing, or make you seem like a total nob. Or both.

2. Let's pack!
On a serious note, there is one packing tip I can offer that makes complete and total sense - pack light. If you can't fit everything you need into a small suitcase or a rucksack, you're taking too much. Pretty much every hotel will either supply toiletries or be within spittin' distance of a pharmacy and a launderette. Pack your undies and socks in your T-shirts, army roll style. Take enough for three days and then do a wash. Oh, and don't forget to Insta the whole process.


3. Let's Lingo!
Download an app for "Common Phrases" on your phone, then clumsily attempt to use it on the first local you meet. Then become awkwardly self-conscious, ditch the app and say everything loudly and slowly in English anyway. Then feel relief as you learn the locals can all speak fairly decent English.

Pardon?

4. Let's nosh!
Go on TripAdvisor and Yelp to find the best local eateries. Then completely ignore them and go to whichever one you happen upon first. It makes no difference. And then Insta your food so that your friends back home will be jealous.

5. Let's Shop!
Now, I know many of you will not be interested in shopping save for the beachwear stores, but let's say the tourist destination you have chosen is noted for being a shopping mecca. If this is the case, you'll at least have to go through the motions of hitting the shops in case your lame friends back home start to question exactly how style-savvy you are. First, avoid the name-brand stores you can find anywhere and head to the cool, hip local boutiques. Then Insta yourself holding a price tag and caption it "Lolol how much??" or "Daaaammmnn these prices cray-cray!!" and they'll think you've become a style-and-price-conscious fashion maven, and you've only wasted two hours and saved a bundle by not buying anything.

6. Let's Be Security Conscious!
Like us, you know full well that foreign countries are full of unscrupulous characters and shifty types who would sell their own grandma for five bucks given half a chance. So, to be sure of keeping your valuables safe, you should (a) put them in a money belt or fannypack so that you can look even more touristy in public, or (b) just keep your wallet in your pocket and continually do the "Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch" dance everywhere you go. Either way, don't forget to put it on Insta.

7. Let's Get Blitzed!
If you want to go bar-hopping, do it in the company of some of your friends. Do not do it in the company of some other tourists you just met. You'll end up drunk, yes, but probably sans clothes and/or wallet. Or you could go to the clubs, where you will realise after about 30 seconds that it is impossible to enjoy yourself when you are trying to chat up a foreign babe and buy a rink in a dark room full of sweaty types while getting your ears bashed by Euro-techno. You will also then realise that you don't even go to the clubs in your hometown, so what the hell are you doing? Nope, best way to get drunk on vacay is to go to the hotel bar during Happy Hour and down a few Cosmos. Oh, and don't forget to put it on Insta.

So there you are, folks. Just a few hard-learned lessons from your man in the know.

Michael will be back on Friday with his take on travel.

Unbelievatravel tips

Flight status: "AUUGGGH!!"

As summer approaches, so does the desire to travel abroad for vacations.
This poses some direct challenges to your safety.

"As terrorist attacks, political upheaval, and violence often take place without any warning, U.S. citizens are strongly encouraged to maintain a high level of vigilance and take appropriate steps to increase their security awareness when traveling." - U.S. Department of State

Terrorist groups have actually been getting in touch with us to express their concerns about this very matter.

"How are we supposed to kill people if people kill each other before they even reach their destinations? Look, we're terrorists and as reliably unreasonable as any group you're likely to meet, but some of these people are crazy!" - various terrorists

They're referencing a recent spate of incidents taking place on commercial airlines...

• United Airlines Passenger Is Dragged From an Overbooked Flight
• American Airlines investigates after video shows mom in tears
• Delta Kicks Family With Infant Children Off Flight
• ‘I’ll kill you!’ American arrested after brawling on flight from Tokyo.

So in the interest of public safety, here are some basic tips from us, your heroes, regarding travel.

1. Don't.
2. Okay, if you have to go somewhere, take a train. Incidents like these have stopped happening on trains since bandits stopped robbing them.
3. All right, all right. You can't take a train everywhere. Sometimes flight is the only way to reach your destination. In that case, take a private jet. Like we do.

The crew of the Unbelievajet, where every flight attendant is a captain and vice-versa.

Seriously, if you have access to a private jet staffed by your own hand-picked, expertly-trained flight crew, why wouldn't you travel that way everywhere, all the time? Duh.

The guys will be along later this week offering other tips, tid-bits and tip-bits.

Recipe For Love

You may have seen around th'Interwebs a phrase, an axiom or quote if you will, that goes along the lines of "Any man can love a thousand women, but a real man (or "rare guy" or "good man") can love one woman in a thousand different ways." While this is complete hokum, of course, with a little tweak it can be made into a serviceable adage for the ages. Simply substitute "woman/women" for "potato/potatoes" and there we have the perfect sign to hang above the ceramic hob.

Fellas, it all boils down to this - to get the ladies all steamed up, get to know the humble spud. If you can get to a level of ability in the kitchen that's even a fifth as good as my own when it comes to the pommes de terre,  then you will be surrounded by beautiful ladies from morning till night. It's a secret I learned from reading the chef's diary of legendary gourmet, bon vivant, and potato aficianado Chris P. Bacon, who died when attempting to get out of his well-worn bed in order to visit the kitchen and whip up a fresh batch of Murphys when the bed collapsed, entangling him and his two female companions in a heaving mass of silk sheets, continental quilt and coiled spring. The more they struggled to be free of the bed's metallic grip, the tighter the coils became, not to mention the splintered wood and nails flying all over the place. They were discovered three days later, all dead and contorted together with eerie grimaces on their faces, not to mention flecks of dried mash on their chins.

Unlike Chef Bacon, however, I practise moderation in all things - if I didn't, I'd be the size of a small hotel - but still live a life fully satisfied in the whipped potatoes dept. as well as the female companionship area.

See, the ladies can't resist a well-prepared spud. These pics should more than prove my point.

Oh yeah. She knows.

Fresh is always preferable, but the popularity of these items with the ladies kinda goes some way to proving me correct.

Whut?

But what I've discovered is that women will go to extreme lengths to pledge their allegiance to the humble tuber. Let's take these examples of women's garments which are freely available on the Web...

Oh wait, it gets worse (or better as the case may be)...

Wow.

Oh, hang on a min... I've just noticed Unbelievababe Sheila E. McEaston slipping in through the door of my boudoir, wearing nothing but a sly smile - which she flashed in my direction - and this item...

 

Ahem! Er, uh... goodnight all.

"It's the car, right? Chicks love the car."

The title of this entry comes from a line uttered by Val Kilmer as Batman in one of the more forgettable 1990's era "Batman" movies, but the line itself is accurate. Chicks DO dig the car. And it's easy to see why. Look at it!

Michael posted a picture of it Monday where it looks yellow. Sometimes it's red. Don't let it throw you.

Quite simply, there are two words to describe it: Sexy and Classic. Or Clasxy if you insist on one-word descriptions, even if it means making something up. This one, of course, belonging to The Unbelievables, is not a stock model off your local dealership's showroom floor. There have been special features added. Behold...

1. No gas cap. Is that because it doesn't run on gasoline (or "gas" or "petrol") and is completely green, aside from the color, because it actually runs on tiger farts? No, the gas cap is on the other side. Or maybe behind. I forget.
2. Tires, made from rubber, that make the ride smooth. Smoother than a tiger's fart.
3. A license plate could go here, but if I did that, it would make the car easier to identify which would decrease the stealth-iness. So, no.
4. No back seat. We can get cozy and snuggle but it's going to have to be in the front seats, and that means negotiating around the gear shift lever. Tricky, but it can be done.
5. Rear-view mirror, for seeing things behind the car. Objects may seem further away. Or farther. Maybe smaller.
6. I like these things. They look like gills on a shark!
7. Machine guns? Nope. These flip open to reveal lamps that illuminate the road ahead when driving at night.
8. What's in here, a gassy tiger for the sake of re-fueling? No, this is where the motor (or "engine" is located!
9. Radio antenna for picking up both AM and FM frequency transmissions!

There you have it. The car that the chicks dig.

The "Short" Of It

You may have asked yourself previously: "True ... The Unbelievables are natural attractants of the fairer sex. It's been well documented time and again. But how, exactly, do such comely gals gravitate to those guys?"

Terrific question. Something not so "out there" in the way of understanding that it can't be explained easily.

In the simplest of terms, as a group, it comes courtesy of our super suave sophistication. Individually, it's our own personal tenets. 

Think about it: Wouldn't you want to be a member of The Unbelievables, consisting of days spent kicking evil doer butt, happy-go-lucky shindigs jam-packed with food and frolickery and adoring fans and well-wishers galore? What's not to like?

But I'm here to delve into the personal aspects of our attraction, specifically hot cars (Clark), good food (Jeff) and a "less is more" approach (me).

Yes, it's a fact Clark digs his motor vehicles. You know well his fondness for his beloved yellow Corvette, a 100% chick magnet if ever there was one.

 One of Clark's many photos atop his Corvette ...

Jeff? Let's just say good cookin' isn't only for the male of the species; a man in a kitchen stewing up a batch of signature whipped potatoes is sexy as all get out.

Many, many chefs the world over have attempted to duplicate

even one of Jeff's whipped potato recipes.

All have failed ... spectacularly.

Me? As mentioned (and also well documented in these pages) it's the allure of minimalism that gets the ladies ("Hello, Ladies!") excited. In short, no shorts. Pantslessness. The breech of bloomers. Undeniably, it's simplicity at its finest.

Now ... some of you might think "That's just downright creepy. A guy walking around without pants, strutting about in nothing but boxer briefs ... ewww." But you would be wrong.

It takes a special skill set to pull this look off, folks.

Especially when you've got the legs to pull it off. (And I have'em.) Not to mention the confidence. You see, it's not just the fact of "sans trouserism" ability; few have it. It's not as simple as doffing your jeans. First and foremost you have to have stately limbs for it to work. And you must project certainty in so doing. There's got to be poise, along with a bit of carefree brashness. Not to mention nerve. And you have to have your wits about you, too. It's not just daring; there's a definite mettle that needs to be in one's possession in order to establish this particular state of being. You have to own it without boasting it.

Clark can't do it. Jeff can't do it. I've offered pointers, they've tried. But we all have our strengths and weakness. Only I can attain "lack of slacks" and make it look effortless. It's a gift, really.

After all, Jeff and I can't woo the ladies ("Hello again, Ladies!") the way Clark can with his roadster. And I, along with Clark, bow to the mastery of Jeff's spud-making skills which get the girls running his way.

"Have you've seen Michael without pants today?"

(Typical Unbelieva-Babe whispering behind closed doors at the Unbelieva-Base.)

I mean ... when you've got it, you've got it. And The Unbelieva-Babes know I have it.

Later in the week, the guys will elaborate on their endowments that make the Unbelieva-Babes giddy.

The U Filephiles

We're used to having fans.
Naturally.
They're loyal, they're enthusiastic, and they're everywhere.

Look very carefully at this photo; zoom in and enhance

But we also have diverse subsets of fans, those who are devoted to niche aspects of what we do and how we do it. In this case, they are the U Filephiles. This is an especially fervent sector of fans and their interest is... intense. Often, they're on the scene before we even get there! That's because they're not only keeping track of our actions via various intenet chat sites and bulletin boards, but also all the sites devoted to the "paranormal, supernatural and extraterrestrial" activity being reported around the globe. Their support is appreciated but it also makes it difficult to do our jobs sometimes. And sometimes, these fans get themselves into trouble.

Tulsa, Oklahoma - Ladies, please. Step back so we can see what's happening here.

Berrien Springs, Michigan - Hi. Nice to see you all. Please, we need to set up our equipment.

Alice Springs, Australia - Okay, you're standing in the middle of the road. Someone is going to get...

Oh dear. Oh no. That's unfortunate. Hoo boy. Medic...maybe? No. Never mind, probably. Darn. Gonna need to do some extra paperwork and clean-up now.

Well, I guess we all learned a valuable lesson today. I mean, we didn't. We already knew that getting too close to a UFO could mean getting spritzed with a laser weapon and being turned into a skeleton. You learned something. Hopefully.

Be a fan, but BeWare!

Not so U-File ...

Jeff note Monday: 

"We solve cases and kick butts. That's our main function. But every now and again we are asked to deal with stuff that's more paranormal, supernatural and extraterrestrial ..."

True. To the extent we did have to set up a hotline to field those U-File requests. 

And, naturally, quite a few calls of the shenanigan variety intermingled with "legitimate" calls as you can well imagine. Kip and Ulf get a kick out of passing some of the stranger ones our way, making the tedium of sifting through those U File calls a little less dreary. (Well ... for Kip at any rate. Ulf doesn't really take any notes on what comes in.) Here ... see for yourself:

Unbelievables:

Oprah! She's an extra-terrestrial ... right? She's gotta be! Her "mind control" abilities run rampant when she congregates an audience! Folks'll buy her books at her mere mention! Didn't she do that Weight Watchers gig? Any idea how much money that company made off her and her supernatural power to sway people on over? Couldn't we wrangle her into doing some good for a change, you know ... like transfix the likes of North Korea's Kim Jong Un or The Kardashians and the like and obliterate them from the planet? Look into that, will you?

- Jed Perkins, Fallow, Tennessee

Sorry, Jed. Oprah's here to stay. Nothing we can do about her.

And there's nothing we can make her do, either.

Hey, Unbelievables:

That Unicorn Frumpaccino from Starbucks ... alien technology, amiright? All that sugar and empty calories renders partakers brain-numbed and subject to coercion. It must be stopped! Just do it!

- Sedgewick "Sedge" Jablowskivich, Capertown, Georgia

Yeah ... that ended this past Sunday, Sedge.

We didn't have anything to do with it but ... you're welcome.

Dudes of Unbelief:

The 1960s: They weren't fake. They were real. But they inspired some pretty funky goings on the verged on the magical, you have to admit. If they were to reappear, it wouldn't be "good for business" if you catch my meaning. Don't let the 60s back into today! 

- Duncan Canterbury, Fallon, Nevada

We won't Duncan ... we won't. (All of us rolled our eyes at this request.)