Top Tips: School Safety And Stuff

Now that we've learned (or relearned in some cases) a few of the tried and true classic old mealtime sayings ("You gotta feed your kids dinner! What are you, nuts?" is my favorite. Thanks, Clark!) I thought I'd lend a little wisdom concerning parent toleration.

It's important stuff! Seriously, if you can't master parent toleration you risk going nuts. You don't want to lose the ability to venture out of doors and communicate normally with the outside world, do you? Face the fact you're just going to have to hitch up your jeans and act like a grown up every once in a while, despite the fact your kids will do their best to drive you borderline insane.

So here are a few Top Tips to get you through various 24 hour periods without going off the deep end.

Top Tip: Don't obsess over the hand sanitizer

The best thing you can do is just throw the stuff in the trash. Kids don't need hand sanitizer. They're prone to eating dirt and picking dropped food off the ground and popping it in their mouths anyway, 5 second rule be damned. It's a natural, time-honored right of passage aimed at bolstering your young ones' immune systems. You can't stop Nature, it's just not going to happen. So relax, give the heave ho to those goopy "cleansers on the go." (Look at it this way: If any germs do cause some perverse reaction to your offspring, you have a handy dandy local emergency room nearby. That's why they were created in the first place.)

Don't believe the hype! This isn't going to happen if you don't use hand sanitizer.

Top Tip: Scrapes and minor flesh wounds are going to happen

Again, don't stress. Be prepared. That's why our ancestors created band aid type bandages, for those minor cuts caused from climbing trees and the occasional road rash. It's kind of like that classic old saying: "Quitcher cryin' and put a band aid on it." (Or that other classic saying "Duct tape. Because band aid type bandages don't always staunch the flow of an open vein.")

You're in the top 5% of parents if you keep a role of duct tape handy. Good job!

Top Tip: Safety strap your refrigerator

As the school year progresses, those burgeoning Picassos, portraits of summer vacations and the like will fill the face of your fridge in pretty short order. And, before you know it, your appliance is suddenly in danger of tipping over from the bevy of artwork. So, while it's fresh in your mind - yes, right now, this very moment, while it's fresh in your mind - it's best to stop what you're doing and strap that sucker to the wall, preventing any future danger. You never know when the weight of those cherished drawings could result in an untimely tragedy to Bowzer, Kitty Puss Puss or, God forbid, grandma.

Not a recommended method for strapping down your fridge. Use discretion, folks.

Top Tip: There's nothing wrong with bringing back clothing patches

Little Jimmy takes a tumble from two stories up on the jungle gym. (It happens.) Luckily, his knee broke the fall. But, in the process, said knee of his jeans receives a gaping rip the size of a silver dollar pancake. Not to worry. Do what your grandmother did when your parents were kids: Apply a fashionable patch to the area to prevent further aggravation to the tear.

Lots of fun designs and colors to choose from!

Hey! Don't turn up your nose at patches! They can be fashionable as well as fun! They come in all kinds of sizes and styles for the new generation - emojis, LOLs and WTFs, clever sayings ... even superheroes and musical artists.

What ...  you can't sew? No problem! They're now made with no-iron, aggressive, wash-resistant adhesives! Just peel and stick. Boom! Instant clothes savers! 

Top Tip: Parent conferences and open houses

No one really likes these things, least of all teachers. (They're obligated by contract to tough them out during the year.)

Want to be a hero in their eyes? The day before the meeting or open house, stop by the classroom and slip them a couple of those single shot adult beverages to take the edge off. Imagine the surprise on the teacher's face when a couple miniature bottles of Fireball are slipped in their hands on the sly. You just might receive a "You get me ... you really GET me!" response, setting you up as the hip parent of the semester.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner ... !!!

I know, I know! I can hardly wait for Jeff's contribution Friday! Stay tuned ... !!!

Back to school top tips

By now, all of your school-aged kiddies should be back at the daily grind of readin', ritin' and rhythmajig. If not, it's because you're bad parents and it's not our fault if you've been waiting for us, The Unbelievables, to furnish you with another installment of Top Tips designed for the annual return to scholarly pursuits. At any rate, here they are now so get those wee ones back on the bus already!

I'm going to cover nutrition. The guys will have input on other areas later this week.

START THE DAY WITH A GOOD BREAKFAST - It's kind of like that classic old saying; "Start the day with a good breakfast!" Unless you're grooming your young'uns for a long career as a truck driver or maybe a private detective (both worthy and admirable pursuits), you shouldn't be sending them off into the world on a tummy full of fried eggs, greasy meat and black coffee. Instead feed them a breakfast like the one pictured above.

• Minced green something or other
• A quarter of an orange
• Brown package of whatever
• Three shiny dough columns in a puddle of syrup
• Thimble of fruit juice

LUNCH TIME IS A TIME FOR EATING LUNCH - It's kind of like that classic old saying; "Sit down and eat some lunch because it's lunch time!" Unless you're grooming your whippersnappers for a long career as some drone who toils away in an office doing spreadsheet reports (a somewhat worthy pursuit), you shouldn't be leaving their mid-day refueling to a bunch of things crammed into a brown paper bag. Instead feed them a proper school lunchy lunch.

• Corn
• Minced orange something or other
• Potato nuggets
• Meat nuggets
• As obelisk of low-fat milk

DIN DIN IS AFTER SCHOOL (but still important) - If you think your child-feeding obligations end at lunch, you are sadly mistaken. It's kind of like that classic old saying; "You gotta feed your kids dinner! What are you, nuts?" Unless you're grooming your moppets for a long career as somebody who doesn't eat right, such as a writer or a stand-up comedian or a comedy writer (none of which can be considered worthy pursuits), you should be feeding them a meal when they get home from school. Specifically, creamy tuna casserole.

• Tuna
• Noodles
• Creamy-ness
• Green

Now that we, The Unbelievables, have covered how to nourish your kids, we'll move on to other areas where you need help.

Unbelievatravel tips

Flight status: "AUUGGGH!!"

As summer approaches, so does the desire to travel abroad for vacations.
This poses some direct challenges to your safety.

"As terrorist attacks, political upheaval, and violence often take place without any warning, U.S. citizens are strongly encouraged to maintain a high level of vigilance and take appropriate steps to increase their security awareness when traveling." - U.S. Department of State

Terrorist groups have actually been getting in touch with us to express their concerns about this very matter.

"How are we supposed to kill people if people kill each other before they even reach their destinations? Look, we're terrorists and as reliably unreasonable as any group you're likely to meet, but some of these people are crazy!" - various terrorists

They're referencing a recent spate of incidents taking place on commercial airlines...

• United Airlines Passenger Is Dragged From an Overbooked Flight
• American Airlines investigates after video shows mom in tears
• Delta Kicks Family With Infant Children Off Flight
• ‘I’ll kill you!’ American arrested after brawling on flight from Tokyo.

So in the interest of public safety, here are some basic tips from us, your heroes, regarding travel.

1. Don't.
2. Okay, if you have to go somewhere, take a train. Incidents like these have stopped happening on trains since bandits stopped robbing them.
3. All right, all right. You can't take a train everywhere. Sometimes flight is the only way to reach your destination. In that case, take a private jet. Like we do.

The crew of the Unbelievajet, where every flight attendant is a captain and vice-versa.

Seriously, if you have access to a private jet staffed by your own hand-picked, expertly-trained flight crew, why wouldn't you travel that way everywhere, all the time? Duh.

The guys will be along later this week offering other tips, tid-bits and tip-bits.

Top Easter Tips

What with it being Easter weekend right now, and the theme of the week being Top Tips, I thought I'd offer a few suggestions on how to improve your Easter, if I may make so bold. Here we go:

• Just for fun, run into your local supermarket five minutes before they close on Saturday, grab a member of staff by the arm and say crazily, "Wait, do you guys sell Easter Eggs!?!"
• Tip your hat to Jesus by deactivating your Facebook account on Good Friday and re-activating it on Monday.
• On Easter Monday, bring the season to a jolly close by starting to bitch loudly everywhere you go about there being "Christmas decorations already in the shops" and the fact that "they start earlier and earlier every year, I swear".
• Invite 12 family members over for Easter dinner, and while seated at the table, accuse one of them of betraying you, then go lock yourself in your bedroom for three days. Talk about authenticism!
• Why bother going to those expensive egg hunts with your kids - save money by taking them to Poundland where the eggs are clearly displayed and easy to find.

• Convince your friends and family that you are a time traveller by letting off a firecracker in your closet before emerging dressed as Pontius Pilate.

"Look, mate, I don't care who you are - I just don't like hippies."

Use as many or as few of these as you like in order to have a fun and enjoyable Easter.Ciao!

Tip Top Tips

It's always a good idea to do things the right way. Because the opposite of that is doing things the wrong way and that is a bad idea, which should be self-evident by the presence of negative words.

You should always approach every task you undertake with the pre-conceived notion that you're going to do it correctly, getting the maximum possible good results from doing it because otherwise, frankly, what's the point?

With that in mind, I'm here today with some Top Tips for you in a couple of different areas...

MARKETING

A lot of jerks work in marketing. So a lot of other jerks think, "I'll bet I could work in marketing!". And they're right! If they follow this advice...

• Draw from real life - Most people you're trying to reach have real lives. They want to be spoken to in those terms. And they love a "ripped from the headlines" approach to advertising because it's real life!

• Celebrate diversity - Don't narrow your focus to one basic demographic. Try to appeal to as many different kinds of people as possible.

Not so great

Not too shabby!

• Try to get a Kardashian as your spokesperson/focal point - Everybody loves them!

CUSTOMER SERVICE

Not every one of your customers is going to be satisfied with the services you provide. Dealing with them can be tricky.

• Get the right tools for the job - Human or otherwise

There's no such thing as too much body armor.

• Treat the customer with respect, no matter what - Use dignity and compassion. Be complimentary.

"Oh my, somebody's been doing crunches! You look terrific, sir"

• Beware of social media practitioners - Believe it or not, some people these days have the ability to capture photos and even video footage with their phones, and then immediately upload that to The Internet!

Potential troublemaker

CROCKPOTS

Preparing meals in a slow cooker is super-easy and convenient.

• Use a liner - It makes clean-up a breeze!

It really does!

Time Once Again For Top Tips!

Yes ... it's been a while. Too long of a while as a matter of fact. And that's why it's time for another edition of ...

Unbelievable
Top Tips!

Look: In today's turbulent times, sometimes action needs to be taken. Of course, discerning common sense rules overall. But there are those instances when immediate action takes presidence over seeing a wrong and frowning at it and actually acting upon it. Here are a few examples:

You're in a restaurant sitting next to someone who's talking loudly on their mobile phone. First, kindly ask them to cut the call short, that they're being rude and disruptive to the other patrons in the establishment, not the least of which is you. Use words like "please" and "thank you" to ease tensions. If that doesn't do the trick, simply extricate the phone from their ear and drop it into that glass of lemon water directly in front of them. More often than not this action will get their attention.

This rarely, if ever, fails ...

That customer behind you who doesn't know the meaning of personal space? This one's easy. Simply start taking baby steps backward until they get the message. Or flail your arms about with exaggerated flair as you speak. They'll catch the clue, believe me.

This works wonderfully when you're on an escalator going up.

There's always that one joker behind you in the drive thru line who feels the need to honk when you're snaking through your local fast food joint for a quick snack and two extra feet of space appears ahead of you. Who is this clown, a member of the Extra Space Patrol Brigade? To annoy him/her further, a good trick is to shut off your car engine, take the keys out of the ignition and exit the car. Sit on the grass beside your car and watch them throw a hissy fit. Better: Park yourself on a nearby bench, cross your legs and get comfortable while they hit the roof. Who doesn't like a grand show, after all?

Remember: You're in front of them. You command the control ...

Of course, these are simple solutions to situations of the minor annoyance variety. For bigger problems drastic measures need be taken.

That's when a convenient glass window comes in handy. Don't be afraid to toss the offending party right on through that pane of see-through justice. (Hint: Don't second guess yourself. All you need to do is access a situation and use common sense. If someone's being an asshole, take decisive action. They deserve it.)

Boom. Problem solved.

And don't worry - they'll be fine once they regain consciousness.

Want more Unbelievable Top Tips? Clark and Jeff are coming up later in the week. Stay tuned!

Top Tips To Improve Your Life

Hey kids, here's a few ways to improve your quality of life. You're welcome, by the way.

1. Mentally prepare your kids for Game Of Thrones by ending every children's book with "and then he died."

2. Make your alcoholism seem more sophisticated by drinking malt liquor from a brandy balloon.

3. Save money on expensive coconut milk by simply adding a shot of Malibu to a glass of semi-skimmed.

4. Make back all the money you've spent on Botox by entering Poker tournaments.

5. Unless you have kidnapped one, nobody cares whether or not you have a child on board.

6. Make your own mylar balloons. Simply drink the entire contents of a wine box, take out the bag and fill with helium. (By the way, this also makes an ideal pillow for when you are too drunk to go to bed).

7. When parking, avoid having your car wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and stowing them safely in the trunk.

8. Keep your buddies on their toes by packing their lunchboxes with playdough and an old alarm clock. (Thanks Clark!)

9. Mums. Attach a strip of banana peel to the bottom of your kids' shoes to enable you to tow them around the supermarket with minimal effort.

So there you have it. I'm sure you'll find those handy hints extremely useful in your daily lives. Now then - as you were. Carry on.

A Top Tip on one specific topic

Hi folks!
We see a lot of people expressing frustration regarding the 2016 U.S. Presidential Election. Small wonder, considering how bitterly contentious the whole thing is. Many people are at wits end how to deal with friends and family members who have different opinions and how they express themselves, specifically how to keep themselves from losing their own minds when interacting with those friends and family members, possibly damaging or even ending their relationships.
We understand. It's tricky.
Here's what you should do, presented in a classic Q and A-style format:

Q: How do I talk to my diametrically opposed (father/mother/brother/co-worker/cellmate) about political issues?
A: Don't.

Q: But...?
A: No. Don't.

Q: Yeah, but...
A: Nope.

Q: But I have to...
A: Stop it. Just stop. Listen, for the sake of this Top Tip, we're assuming you're not the one taking the idiotic side in whatever argument you feel you have to have. You need to know that there's a solid 50% chance that assumption is utterly incorrect. It doesn't matter. Keeping your mouth shut allows you to take the high ground and the mantle of superiority that comes with being "right". Congratulations! You win!

Q: Okay, okay. But my (uncle/aunt/sister/pawnbroker/side-piece) is wrong! I need them to understand that and change their minds. How do I do that?
A in the form of some Qs: Do you hear yourself? Did you not just read what I said about there being a 50% chance that you're an idiot? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror? Do you even know, within $20, how much money is in your checking account right now? What exactly establishes you as any kind of authority on anything? Do you really think you should be trying to influence another human being in any way whatsoever?

Q: Hey, I have not only a right but a moral obligation to speak out on issues I feel are important!
A: Please submit your Q in the from of a Q.

Q: Sorry. Don't I have not only a right but a moral obligation to speak out on issues I feel are important?
A: Of course you do.

Q: So...?
A: Your grandfather/grandmother/cousin/hairdresser/squatter-living-behind-the-shed-in-your-backyard has the same rights and obligations to disagree with you as they see fit. Even if you're 100% not the idiot. Ultimately, the Q you may be forced to ask is which is more important to you, being right or preserving these relationships as they currently exist? Because it may not be possible to have both. But if that is what you want, please refer back to the A to the first Q in this thread.

You're welcome!

It's Time For More Top Tips!

Wow! Those Unbelievable "Life Hacks" were stupendous, weren't they?

Of course they were! We don't put valuable information out there like that just to slog useless trivia around, you know! We're all about helping you, Mr. and Mrs. J.Q Public, because that's the sort of guys The Unbelievables are. You're welcome, folks!

That being said, why not segue from last week into a feature we haven't done in quiet some time? That's right ... it's time for more Unbelievable Top Tips!

Bonus: All photos following come from my personal collection of shutter clicks!* Lucky you!

Let's get on with it, shall we?

Top Tip #1

If you have an opinion and you're going to "put it out there" do so with passion and flair. Of course you can be a bit boastful and daring (nothing wrong with that) but you don't have to be a jerk about it. Example? This shirt. It expresses your opinion perfectly without forcing anyone to agree with it. It's your opinion after all.

Go ahead. Wave that freak flag ...

Top Tip #2

 

It's a given: Ball pits rock. I don't care if you're 3 or 83, jumping into one elicits a kind of euphoric high.

But if the fabric is peeling material, it's been repaired with duct tape, has worn and torn sides and appears in general disrepair like the one above? You may want to think twice before taking a flying leap into it.

Because ... germs. Viruses. Pathogens. Necrotising faciitis (more commonly known as flesh eating disease). *ewwww*

Top Tip #3

You decide to open a restaurant. Good for you. You devise a menu along with a takeout version for the on-the-go consuming public. Super.

The tip? Do yourself a favor: Proof that menu. 

Don't be like the Grand China Chinese Cuisine joint above. Your "fowl" selections shouldn't be showcased with "foul" screaming at you. You don't need to advertise to your customers their choice will be "served tou (sic) you on a hot plate." Resist the temptation to force them into the belief "you will enjoy" the food. Of course they'll enjoy it! You're not serving crappy food, right?

Top Tip #4

 

Again, proofing is all important. I don't know about other parts of the world, but I'm pretty certain there's no one on Planet Earth who doesn't meet the kind of height requirement detailed on this placard.

Top Tip #5*

Reward yourself for the small things as well as the big ones. Don't short change yourself. You deserve it. And doing so works wonders on your day to day attitude.

Top Tip #6

 

*sigh*

I can't stress enough how important it is to have things you advertise to the public spelled and punctuated properly.

There's enough boneheads in the world. You don't need to contribute to their number.

Top Tip #7

 

Repairs to everyday things you use are worth your time and effort.

Toggle bolts to keep your headlamps attached to your vehicle? Uhmmmm ... no.

Top Tip #8

 

You have a Starbucks coffee Jones that hits you like a ton of bricks every weekday morning ... twice on weekends. I understand. You enjoy paying $8.00 for a half-carafe, salted soy venti (or whatever the hell their goofy sizes call out).

No matter your craving or need, there's no excuse to park like you've never taken a driver's exam because you simply have to get into the establishment and order that beverage. Your coffee Jones isn't that much of a beast.

Top Tip #9

People? No welding wheels to your car. Ever.

Top Tip #10

The packaging face clearly states "10" wide face for complete coverage." I wonder: How wide does one have to be in order for a faucet to facilitate one's girth?

Honestly: You don't need to contribute to water waste. Leave things like this on the shelves and - with a little luck - manufactures will discontinue creating such monstrosities.

Top Tip #11

 

I don't care who you are, you can't be too safe out there.

Like this guy ... who obviously felt the need to wear a safety helmet on board a recent flight I was on. (I was curious and almost asked him about his need for headwear ... but decided otherwise. To each his own.)

Top Tip #12

 

 

Really, there are few better tips than this ... right?

More Top Tips later in the week form Clark and Jeff! Stay tuned!

*The only Top Tip image not personally captured by me. But it illustrates the particular tip perfectly.