Not so U-File ...

Jeff note Monday: 

"We solve cases and kick butts. That's our main function. But every now and again we are asked to deal with stuff that's more paranormal, supernatural and extraterrestrial ..."

True. To the extent we did have to set up a hotline to field those U-File requests. 

And, naturally, quite a few calls of the shenanigan variety intermingled with "legitimate" calls as you can well imagine. Kip and Ulf get a kick out of passing some of the stranger ones our way, making the tedium of sifting through those U File calls a little less dreary. (Well ... for Kip at any rate. Ulf doesn't really take any notes on what comes in.) Here ... see for yourself:

Unbelievables:

Oprah! She's an extra-terrestrial ... right? She's gotta be! Her "mind control" abilities run rampant when she congregates an audience! Folks'll buy her books at her mere mention! Didn't she do that Weight Watchers gig? Any idea how much money that company made off her and her supernatural power to sway people on over? Couldn't we wrangle her into doing some good for a change, you know ... like transfix the likes of North Korea's Kim Jong Un or The Kardashians and the like and obliterate them from the planet? Look into that, will you?

- Jed Perkins, Fallow, Tennessee

Sorry, Jed. Oprah's here to stay. Nothing we can do about her.

And there's nothing we can make her do, either.

Hey, Unbelievables:

That Unicorn Frumpaccino from Starbucks ... alien technology, amiright? All that sugar and empty calories renders partakers brain-numbed and subject to coercion. It must be stopped! Just do it!

- Sedgewick "Sedge" Jablowskivich, Capertown, Georgia

Yeah ... that ended this past Sunday, Sedge.

We didn't have anything to do with it but ... you're welcome.

Dudes of Unbelief:

The 1960s: They weren't fake. They were real. But they inspired some pretty funky goings on the verged on the magical, you have to admit. If they were to reappear, it wouldn't be "good for business" if you catch my meaning. Don't let the 60s back into today! 

- Duncan Canterbury, Fallon, Nevada

We won't Duncan ... we won't. (All of us rolled our eyes at this request.)

All-Star Secrets Continued: Yum Yum

"One of the great side benefits of knowing so many of the world's best and brightest (be they entertainers, educators, politicians, economists, astrophysicists ...)"

Yes, learning the quirks of some of these incredible people is pretty fascinating. I, for one, never knew that not only is Barack Obama an "Arrested Development" fan, but that he's very proud of his Lucille Bluth impression...

Not bad, sir.

 But when it comes to the pursuit of epicurean delights, well, that's when you can really pick up on some valuable insights...

Ben Affleck, the actor currently wearing The Dark Guy's cape and cowl, can actually unhinge his jaw in order to wolf down an entire MacWhopper in one bite. Hey, being the vigilante guardian of Gollum City doesn't allow for the luxury of nibbling.

Katie Price, star of being attractive, suffers from a rare condition known as "Narcoleatsy". Food makes her sleepy. She has been known to pitch forward and face-plant into her plate during meals. She once almost drowned in a platter of BBQ Pork Nachos.

"Go ahead, make some more!"

Clint Eastwood, known for his iconic roles as "Dirty Henry" and "Hugh Plains, Drifter" and "Talks To Chairs", does not like being informed that all the jelly donuts are sold out.

"Hey Cameron Craig! Craig! Yeah, you! You suck!"

Oprah Winfrey, who shot to multi-media super-stardom as the star of "The Sally Jessy Raphael Show", is known for eating healthy. Except for once a year when she attends the Gem State Classic Pro Rodeo in Blackfoot, Idaho, that is. Every year, she spends that week binging on corn dogs and heckling cowboys.

Pop diva Britney Spears ("One More Time, Baby" and "Oops, What Did I Do This Time") also has a food-induced sleep disorder. She suffers from SomNomNombulism, otherwise known as sleep-eating. Her tour rider stipulates that she can't stay in any hotels whose pillows resemble cupcakes.

It turns out that Justin Bieber, professional Canadian irritant, is an uncultured savage and a moron. I think that one was self-evident. though.

Petit: He's Such A Little Shit ...

That damned Henri Petit ...

I hate him with a passion.

He's smug, cynical, self-absorbed and psychotic. Which makes it all the more fun when we foil his plans. Because he wails like the baby that he is when we do so.

Want to know how much of a little shit-head Petit is? His name says it all. Remember Quentin Tarantino's film Inglorious Basterds? Yep ... that's where the moniker came from. Petit liked the way "LaPadite" rolled off Col. Hans Landa's tongue when he said it, especially in French, and the rest is history. (Regardless of the fact the little doink spells his name differently.) All the other names Petit went by - Beauregard, Shale, El Squirto, Big Bad Jim - didn't have "the flare" (his words) that "Petit" has. What a maroon. What a self-centered, snot-nosed twit.

And oh ... the crimes he's committed. Not all of which we've been able to pin him with. Petit is nothing if not sly.

And some of the things he's pulled ... wow. Notorious. Heinous. Utterly villainous. 

Here are some examples:

This is Leslie. Leslie was employed by Petit back in the early 80s and was utilized as Petit's unwitting foil time and again. Petit worked his evil plans so that Leslie took the fall every time, leaving Petit to scurry off into the sunset unscathed. That's the kind of guy Petit is.
 
And the worst of all? You may not realize it from the photo above but Leslie is a guy.

This is Candy. Candy was once an Unbelieva-Babe ... until Petit seduced her with promises that, with a little common sense, you knew couldn't be realized. That didn't stop Petit from trying to infiltrate our base through Candy, though. To be fair, she was a rather new Unbelieva-Babe at the time, still "in training" with us, so she was easily manipulated by Petit's devious machinations. To date, we have no idea where Candy is, how Petit employed her nor, ultimately, what Petit did with her.

Want to see one of Petit's proudest accomplishments? Here you go:

Yep. Oprah. He's been cultivating her for years, subtley working his particular brand of devilishness to fog Oprah's mind more thoroughly than a world famous Chicago dog with everything on it. Need I say anything more?

Lately? We've found the scummy, filthy hand of Petit working pop culture:

Again, yep. Not only did he procure Miley Cyrus to do his bidding, but he got Robin Thicke in on "the party" as well. Pretty damned low of him, don't you think?

Regarding the magazines that have surfaced over the years Jeff mentioned? Personally (and I think I'm in the minority here, but Clark will let you know Friday) I'm of the mind there's no such thing as bad publicity. Petit and his ilk think they're cutting us off at the knees, but, really, each time one of these things shows up on the sales racks in the grocery stores and staring at you when you enter a 7-11 to get a Slurpee they simply let the public know we're on the job. Regardless of the fact I eat ham salad.

These are just some of the reasons Petit is continually at the top of our list of ne'er do wells. You'd think a villain who looks like a baby could be easily nabbed and dealt with ... but nothing could be further from the truth ...

Raising Hell-Vetica

Yes, that's right folks. This week we are in Switzerland, the most peace-loving country on the planet. Being peaceful guys ourselves, we love it here. So much so, we like to take weekend breaks up to Leavenworth, WA, which looks like an Alpine resort.

 There are lots of wonderful things here in la Suisse and we each have our favourites. Michael loves the Swiss' skill in making timepieces and has amassed an impressive collection of cool watches.

With this model "The Spaceman" he liked to sit there and talk into it like it was a communicator, saying "Houston, we have a problem" and "That's one small step for Michael, one giant leap for a kangaroo", etc.

With this one he kept making robot noises. "Shut up!" we cried. "Robots don't really keep telling people that they're robots!"

I seem to recall the day he got this one. He kept trying to impress us with the funny words he could make by typing in numbers and the showing them to us upside-down. He derived great mirth from typing "0.7734", "71077345" and of course, "5318008". We wouldn't have minded but we were in the Unbelieva-mobile on a stakeout at the time.

The downside to his love of timepieces is his similarly large collection of cuckoo clocks.

Repellent things. I can't stand them, personally, and Clark is a wee bit scared of them.

As to the things that Clark likes about Switzerland, he's got a soft spot about chocolate, in all its forms.

He's got all their LP's.

He's also a big fan of Swiss Cheese. In fact, any cheese.

Nope... we've already covered that kind of cheese.

Ain't no party like a fondue party, as Clark and Michael demonstrate here.

As for myself, there are two things I think of when I think Switzerland. The first is alpine pursuits.

Skiing with the gals...

and more skiing. With the gals.

The second is the lovely smiling air hostesses we met on Swissair.

Nope, she's not happy. Not with that man twisting her body into that pose. He doesn't even look like he's been to dental college.

More like it. This is what we mean.

Now sadly, Swissair is no more. It's been replaced by Swiss International Airlines. I hope their flight attendants are of a similar ilk.

Not bad.

More like it!

Now, I'm off to show my new Swiss Army knife to that showoff Clark. Beat this, buddy!

Little Golden Boy: Friend? Or Foe?

  
One of The Unbelievables most elusive and trickiest villains was a character who went by the name of Little Golden Boy.

Yes ... he often appeared as a small child of golden hue, almost always innocent-looking and kind to a fault. But he had his treacherous and cunning sides, too. 

Ever see the film Momento ... ??? Many was the time our capers involving Little Golden Boy would unravel in much the same way - backward and elusively. The clues to solving the cases were usually at our fingertips at the very beginning of an investigation; we weren't aware of such until knee-deep into surveillance and reconnaissance and after lots of finger pointing.

Little Golden Boy was one of those ne'er-do-wells who (like Leo Von Grunwald) was more annoying than dastardly. He was a mischief maker first and foremost. He once managed to delay countrywide shipments of Filet-O-Fish patties to McDonald's restaurants, causing an outcry from coast to coast to those practicing Lent. He successfully blocked one of Oprah's biggest television broadcasts, causing a panic in the streets of Chicago as a result. (See what I mean? Not exactly the devious doings of a crime-hungry bad guy.) 

Strangely, he's also passed along clues on other cases which have been instrumental in bringing some of our enemies to justice. Go figure. 

So is he friend ... or foe? All depends on the time of day with this little fellow.

The guys will fill you in on the weird goings on with Little Golden Boy. Just know going in this kid is a strange one.

(But you have to seriously ask yourself: Really ... what's the big deal nixing an Oprah show?)

"If I were a supervillain I think my crime spree would involve either stealing lots of donuts or just being really really bossy."

- Jerry Thomas