Showing posts with label mail. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mail. Show all posts

Friday, November 3, 2017

Mail call for fall mail

Is this thing EVER empty??
Most of the sheer mass of mailings we receive can be sorted into a few categories that pop up repeatedly:

  • Requests for advice
  • Idiotic questions
  • Threats (credible)
  • Threats (outlandish and impossible)
  • Fan mail
  • Nudies
Often, these letters qualify to be classified under multiple categories. For instance, most nude shots come from fans. While a naked picture from Henri Petit could be considered threatening.
Don't get any bright ideas, vile curtain climber
Another category that might merit its own slot is seasonal concerns. For some reason, this fall has brought forth a veritable deluge of autumn-centric inquiries. Like this one:
"Dear Unbelievables,Why do you lose your battle every year with whatever super villain that changes time and shortens days? It's great that you come back and defeat him (her? whomever) in the spring, but why not just win that battle when it happens? It's not like you can't prepare for it; it happens every year. Come on guys. Be proactive, not reactive. I'm sick of it. At least tell me what I should do to be able to deal with it. If you don't get a handle on this, I'm going to do something very, very bad. I don't know what or how I will do it, but it will be incredibly tragic!
Sincerely,Frustrated, Really Angry, Unbelievably Disappointed
PS: Don't get me wrong. I'm a huge fan. Please see the enclosed photo. You're welcome."


Congratulations, F.R.A.U.D. You are the first person to send us a letter that qualifies for every category!

Monday, October 30, 2017

The Old Mailbag Once Again




Letters, we get letters ...


Hey, Unbelievables:

Will you be performing any "tricks" for any trick or treaters that come your way All Hallow's Eve?
Jimbo


Yes. Of course. That's what Halloween is all about, not just handing out candy and goodies to all the little demons and princess that come knocking at our door.


Treats ...
... and possible "tricks" ...

Dear Unbelievables: 

What's the number one thing you guys will be handing out this Halloween? 
Inquiring minds and all that


Well, it just so happens we have a ton of Girl Scout cookies so ...

Yeah ... we have "a few" left ...

You Unbelievables ...
You're downright kooky, you know it? You really expect us to believe guys like you have nothing better to do than sit around on Halloween night and answer the door and hand out stuff to kids? I thought you three were suave men about town? Kinda sounds like catering to common trick or treaters is something way, way beneath you.

Signed, "Unbelievable" In His Own Way


Hey, Unbelievable-Wannabee, here's a news flash for you: Yes, we're suave men about town. But you forgot snappy dressers, crime-fighting experts and, most importantly, upstanding citizens. It falls on us to set good examples in the community ... and what better way to do that by contributing to the spirit of Halloween? What are you, a communist?!?


Dear Guys:

Creepy movies are "a thing" this time of year. But I'm afraid of them. They give me nightmares and keep me up at night. But it's all my friends want to do as the end of the month draws nearer. Any suggestions?
Thanks! Signed "Fearful"


Yeah ... grow a pair. Or we'll send the Boogie Man your way. Seriously.


"Fearful" will recognize this guy when he sees him.

Jeff and Clark have more responses to (sometimes questionable) queries from the general public that might be related to Day Of The Dead Celebrations, Thanksgiving or what have you. I don't open their mail so I wouldn't know. Just stay tuned ...


Friday, February 24, 2017

We get letters (from all over)

Sometimes, it's easy to forget that The Unbelievables are an organization that operates internationally, on behalf of good citizens everywhere. We truly belong to the world! As such, we get letters requesting our assistance from all over the globe.
Our amazing custom-built computer with UnbelievaTranslate software helps things immensely by taking these letters, written in the sender's native language, and translating them into perfect English!
Recently, we've received a spate of letters, all remarkably similar, about crimes happening in a number of different countries. Apparently Henri Petit, or someone who resembles him, is on a bike-stealing spree. We can't share the answers to these letters, as this is an active and ongoing investigation, but we do want to show you how flawlessly the translation software operates...

ARMENIA



Հարգելի Unbelievables, Իմ հեծանիվ գողացել վերջերս: Վկան ասել է, որ փոքր երեխան ծխելիս վերցրեց այն: Դա միանգամայն հնարավոր է, որ դա եղել է տեղական երեխան, բայց դուք պատահել է իմանալ, եթե Անրի Petit ներկայումս ակտիվ է Չինաստանում

(Dear Unbelievables,
My bike was stolen recently. The witness said that he took a small child smoking it. It is quite possible that it was a local kid, but you happen to know if Henri Petit currently active in Armenia.)

MALTA


Għażiż Unbelievables, roti tiegħi kienet misruqa reċentement. Xhud qal tifel żgħir tipjip ta 'sigaretti ħa. Huwa kompletament possibbli li kien tifel lokali, iżda jiġri li tkun taf jekk Henri Petit bħalissa attiva fil-Ċina?

(Dear Unbelievable,
My bicycle was recently stolen. A witness said a small boy smoking cigarettes taken. It is entirely possible that it was a local boy, but happen to know if Henri Petit currently active in Malta?)

FINLAND

Hyvä Unbelievables, Minun polkupyörä oli varastettu viime aikoina. Todistaja sanoi pieni lapsi tupakointi savuke otti sen. On täysin mahdollista, että se oli paikallinen lapsi, mutta satut tietää, jos Henri Petit on parhaillaan aktiivinen Kiinassa?

(Good Unbelievables, My bicycle was stolen recently. A witness said a small child smoking a cigarette took it. It is quite possible that it was a local kid, but you happen to know if Henri Petit is currently active in Finland?)

CHINA

親愛的難相信,
我的自行車最近被偷了。一名證人說一個小孩子抽煙。這完全有可能是一個當地的孩子,但你恰好知道亨利·皮蒂目前在中國活躍嗎?


(Dear hard to believe,
My bike was recently stolen. A witness says a child smoking. It is entirely possible to be a local child, but do you just know that Henry Pitt is currently active in China?)

UZBEKISTAN
Hurmatli Unbelievables,
Mening velosiped yaqinda o'g'irlangan edi. A guvoh sigaret, bir kichik bolaning oldi dedi. Bu mahalliy bola edi iloji umuman, lekin siz Anri Petit Xitoyda ayni paytda faol bo'lsa bilish nima?

(Dear Unbelievables
My bike was stolen recently. A witness cigarette, took a small child. It was a local boy can not, but you know if Henry Petit is also active in Uzbekistan?)

CANADA

Lorem ipsum,
dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Nullam fringilla, diam ut vulputate molestie, ipsum dolor vestibulum sem, vel hendrerit lectus odio a augue. Nullam eget nisi lacus. Nullam metus felis, consequat vitae mattis sit amet, lacinia sed velit. Nunc a rutrum leo, vitae luctus orci. Sed bibendum sit amet leo sit amet pretium.

(Dear Unbelievables,
My bicycle was stolen recently. A witness said a small child smoking a cigarette took it. It's entirely possible it was a local child, but do you happen to know if Henri Petit is currently active in Canada, eh?)

Cigarette, pipe, whatever.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

We Get (Non-Sensical) Letters




Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... the old mailbag. Always a source of entertainment ...



Unbelieva-Dudes: 

My favorite restaurant, McDonald's, is in trouble! (You guys are good dealing with trouble, right? I've heard it's what you do!) Sales have been declining for years! To stave the drop, the corporate heads have taken drastic actions! They're promoting breakfast anytime! They've reduced beverage prices! They currently hock multiple Big Mac sizes! They've even worked a twist on the timely Shamrock Shake, giving folks the choice of the tried and true product or a morphed chocolate/mint hybrid!
I do what I can - I'm a McGriddle fiend just about every day of the week and I "McNugget" Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays (more when I'm able).

What can you guys do? Hurry!

Chelsea McDagget, self-proclaimed (and unofficial) McAficionado


Well, Chelsea, the McDonald's Corporation employs a team of big boys who know what they're doing, a bevy of professionals to work its marketing methodologies, cracker jack R&D teams to experiment with various selling strategies and plenty of promotional gimmicks at its disposal to use and reuse as they see fit.

So really: What can we do? Unless the McDonald's Corporation wants to throw some green our way to tap into our unique skill set, we're not inclined to lift a finger. And even if the burger giant did approach us, we'd have to think long and hard about doing anything for them.

Why? Because we're a big believer in The American Way. A tried and true entity that started from the ground up should work their own sort of magic regarding promotion and public awareness without outside meddling. Besides, McDonald's has been doing its thing as a franchise for the last 50+ years. They know what works and what doesn't.

The Unbelievables - fabulous as we are - isn't an organization who likes to get involved in things not in our, shall we say, "expertisial purview." To wit, burger slinging and McCaffinating the general public isn't our thing.

Slinging bad guys out a window by their keesters and wooing the ladies ("Hello, Ladies!") is our bent.

We're content to let McDonald's nuggets fall where they may. (Besides ... that Ronald dude is downright creepy.)

But ... thanks for thinking of us.



Monday, November 7, 2016

We Get (Hopeful) Letters...

Every day we get letters literally pouring through our mail chute from wannabe crimefighters wishing to join our elite band of do-gooders, despite the fact that we've never put out an A.P.B. for assistance or ever looked like we were in sufficient trouble to warrant needing a helping hand. But still they come. Here's one from today's postbag...

"Dear Unbelievables, 

I'm a girl who's super fit and strong and wants to fight crime. Can I join you? 

Love, 

Laura Biding-Citizen, Bivalve, MD

P. S. Have enclosed some pix to prove I'm not joking."

Here are the pictures...





There's certainly no doubt that you're strong, Laura. But do we need anyone else on the team? Not at the moment, sorry.

Here's another one.

"Hey fellas, 

I'm a pretty tough guy and I thought maybe you could use a little help. Enclosed is a picture of my feat of strength.

Cheers, Jim Bunny, Piperton, TN

P.S. Group hug!! High five! Etc."


Well, that's a little weird, Jim. Nice pic, though. We'll get back to you. Or not.

Here's more...

"Dear Unbelievables we are inventing new super transport special for to helping with the chasing of the naughty bad persons on the road chasing. Extra room for more than three, super speedy, you buy? Plus, extra because we like to be Unbelievings too, thank you exceeding, much thank.

Sinceres, P.Quliar. 

P.S. What P.S. is meaning to say is we like you Unbelivable. Go team! Here picture."


Ah, er.... no. And no. I think.

And lastly...

"Guys, it's me, Arnold. I have an invention that will blow your minds, it's so fantastic. An invisible bike! Can you believe how fantastic this fantastic bike is? And look how fantastic I look riding it. It's fantastic. Interested? Call me.

Regards, A.S.

P.S. Pleeeease let me join! It'd be fantastic!"



Obviously Photoshopped. Desperate is NOT pretty, Arn. No thank you very much.


Michael and Clark will have another sift through the mailbag later in the week to see what other wackos people write to us. Later, y'all!

Friday, June 13, 2014

Fail mail

Hoo boy, do we ever get letters. Sadly, many of them are total wastes of time that don't even merit answers. Like these:

Dear Unbelievables,
You have an Unbelievabase, Unbelievamobiles and Unbelievababes. Why don't you have an Unbelieveachoo-choo? What do you have against choo-choos? Are you not aware that the choo-choo is the reason that America was settled from coast to coast and became the greatest industrialized nation on earth? Are you too good to ride the rails and fight crime? Buy a choo-choo for Pete's sake!

Sincerely,
Pete Gordon
Choo-Choo Liquidators



Dear Unbelievables,
If you're so great, how come I don't see you on my World Cup bracket?
PS: Stay away from my girlfriend while I'm in Brasil.

Sincerely,
Cristiano Ronaldo



Dear Unbelievables,
I'm here to present a mystery to you that will test you like none other has. You see my car keys... Oops, there they are. Never mind.

Sincerely,
Stanley Limpwhistle



Dear Unbelievables,
I want to follow you guys around and document your adventures, basically serving as an unofficial official biographer. I would provide this service free of charge if you just let me sniff your fingers from time to time. What do you say?

Sincerely,
Cecil Pepperschmidt



Sigh.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Junk Mail


Oh ... we get letters all right ...

There are days when we really wonder about some of the folks out there who look up to us or admire what we do. Here ... take a gander at what we mean ...

Dear Unbelievables:

How come we never hear any adventures about those Laura or Marissa chicks that pop up now and again? 

Don't get me wrong: It's not that I'm not hip to you guys and you mixing it up with the bad eggs out there and all. And I don't have any "gay-o-phobic" problems in the least. But, you know, with all your "Hello, Ladies!" talk and you going on about the Unbelieva-Babes, you'd think they'd have a greater stake in the day-to-day activities. 

What gives? I mean ... I'd like to meet'em someday, you know. Maybe more, too. A proposal could be in order ... or something.

Jim Shanty

Jim:

They pop up here and there as various exploits and situations warrant. But, honestly, they don't like being put in the spotlight much. They prefer to keep things "behind the scenes" in a manner of speaking. 

That ... and Laura is spoken for. And Marissa? She'd squash you like a bug ... but in a good way.

Freak.

Hey, Unbelievables:

Speaking of Unbelieva-Babes, why haven't we heard anything about Elastigirl and Violet? I can't remember the last time you guys said anything about them.

I'm curious ...

George

P.S. I was wondering: Would you mind passing my name and number over to Elastigirl and putting in  good word for me? She really should be the only "Unbelieva-Babe" in your arsenal of hottie-toddies, if you catch my meaning. And I can totally see myself cozying up to her and her "elastabilities" ... if you catch my drift ...

George? I think you mean The Incredibles from the wildly popular Disney animated feature by the same name. We've never said anything about Elastigirl or Violet in our posts ... until now.

Freak.

Look:

I'm on to your game. You guys are just cheap imitations of who you say you are.

Know how I know? Because Al Capone hasn't been around since like the 30s ... I think.

So fess up, already.

Joe Fielding

Ummm ... Joe? We're pretty sure you're talking about Eliot Ness's men The Untouchables ... not The Unbeievables. We've never had anything to do with Al Capone.

Dear Untouchables:

I need a ride Monday through Friday for work. You can pick me up at my house around 7:30 each morning. It's just a short 15 minute ride to my work and on the way to your digs in Stiletto Flats so it won't be a problem for you.

I'm off around 5 every night and it's usually straight home from work. No funny business. 

Well ... every once in a while the missus wants me to stop at the store for a few things on the way home, but I shouldn't be there more than 10 minutes at a pop. And even then that won't happen much. Maybe once a week ... twice, tops.

What do you say? Pick me up beginning next week? I'll spring for half the gas if you want. And I could have coffee for you in the morning 3 out of the 5 days, too.

Cory (Coriander) McGill

When we get stuff like this, it's just a matter of putting a word in to our buddy* Kip, The Mail Boy and getting him to monitor things a little more diligently. We know the kid is sometimes overworked ... but it's what he's paid for ...

* Understand when I say "our buddy" I mean that reflective of Jeff and myself. Clark? Well ... he has a few issues with Kip.