Mail call for fall mail

Is this thing EVER empty??

Most of the sheer mass of mailings we receive can be sorted into a few categories that pop up repeatedly:

• Requests for advice
• Idiotic questions
• Threats (credible)
• Threats (outlandish and impossible)
• Fan mail
• Nudies

Often, these letters qualify to be classified under multiple categories. For instance, most nude shots come from fans. While a naked picture from Henri Petit could be considered threatening.

Don't get any bright ideas, vile curtain climber

Another category that might merit its own slot is seasonal concerns. For some reason, this fall has brought forth a veritable deluge of autumn-centric inquiries. Like this one:

"Dear Unbelievables,Why do you lose your battle every year with whatever super villain that changes time and shortens days? It's great that you come back and defeat him (her? whomever) in the spring, but why not just win that battle when it happens? It's not like you can't prepare for it; it happens every year. Come on guys. Be proactive, not reactive. I'm sick of it. At least tell me what I should do to be able to deal with it. If you don't get a handle on this, I'm going to do something very, very bad. I don't know what or how I will do it, but it will be incredibly tragic!
Sincerely,Frustrated, Really Angry, Unbelievably Disappointed
PS: Don't get me wrong. I'm a huge fan. Please see the enclosed photo. You're welcome."

Congratulations, F.R.A.U.D. You are the first person to send us a letter that qualifies for every category!

Junk Mail

Oh ... we get letters all right ...

There are days when we really wonder about some of the folks out there who look up to us or admire what we do. Here ... take a gander at what we mean ...

Dear Unbelievables:

How come we never hear any adventures about those Laura or Marissa chicks that pop up now and again? 

Don't get me wrong: It's not that I'm not hip to you guys and you mixing it up with the bad eggs out there and all. And I don't have any "gay-o-phobic" problems in the least. But, you know, with all your "Hello, Ladies!" talk and you going on about the Unbelieva-Babes, you'd think they'd have a greater stake in the day-to-day activities. 

What gives? I mean ... I'd like to meet'em someday, you know. Maybe more, too. A proposal could be in order ... or something.

Jim Shanty

Jim:

They pop up here and there as various exploits and situations warrant. But, honestly, they don't like being put in the spotlight much. They prefer to keep things "behind the scenes" in a manner of speaking. 

That ... and Laura is spoken for. And Marissa? She'd squash you like a bug ... but in a good way.

Freak.

Hey, Unbelievables:

Speaking of Unbelieva-Babes, why haven't we heard anything about Elastigirl and Violet? I can't remember the last time you guys said anything about them.

I'm curious ...

George

P.S. I was wondering: Would you mind passing my name and number over to Elastigirl and putting in  good word for me? She really should be the only "Unbelieva-Babe" in your arsenal of hottie-toddies, if you catch my meaning. And I can totally see myself cozying up to her and her "elastabilities" ... if you catch my drift ...

George? I think you mean The Incredibles from the wildly popular Disney animated feature by the same name. We've never said anything about Elastigirl or Violet in our posts ... until now.

Freak.

Look:

I'm on to your game. You guys are just cheap imitations of who you say you are.

Know how I know? Because Al Capone hasn't been around since like the 30s ... I think.

So fess up, already.

Joe Fielding

Ummm ... Joe? We're pretty sure you're talking about Eliot Ness's men The Untouchables ... not The Unbeievables. We've never had anything to do with Al Capone.

Dear Untouchables:

I need a ride Monday through Friday for work. You can pick me up at my house around 7:30 each morning. It's just a short 15 minute ride to my work and on the way to your digs in Stiletto Flats so it won't be a problem for you.

I'm off around 5 every night and it's usually straight home from work. No funny business. 

Well ... every once in a while the missus wants me to stop at the store for a few things on the way home, but I shouldn't be there more than 10 minutes at a pop. And even then that won't happen much. Maybe once a week ... twice, tops.

What do you say? Pick me up beginning next week? I'll spring for half the gas if you want. And I could have coffee for you in the morning 3 out of the 5 days, too.

Cory (Coriander) McGill

When we get stuff like this, it's just a matter of putting a word in to our buddy* Kip, The Mail Boy and getting him to monitor things a little more diligently. We know the kid is sometimes overworked ... but it's what he's paid for ...

* Understand when I say "our buddy" I mean that reflective of Jeff and myself. Clark? Well ... he has a few issues with Kip.