We Get (Non-Sensical) Letters

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... the old mailbag. Always a source of entertainment ...

Unbelieva-Dudes: 

My favorite restaurant, McDonald's, is in trouble! (You guys are good dealing with trouble, right? I've heard it's what you do!) Sales have been declining for years! To stave the drop, the corporate heads have taken drastic actions! They're promoting breakfast anytime! They've reduced beverage prices! They currently hock multiple Big Mac sizes! They've even worked a twist on the timely Shamrock Shake, giving folks the choice of the tried and true product or a morphed chocolate/mint hybrid!

I do what I can - I'm a McGriddle fiend just about every day of the week and I "McNugget" Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays (more when I'm able).

What can you guys do? Hurry!

Chelsea McDagget, self-proclaimed (and unofficial) McAficionado

Well, Chelsea, the McDonald's Corporation employs a team of big boys who know what they're doing, a bevy of professionals to work its marketing methodologies, cracker jack R&D teams to experiment with various selling strategies and plenty of promotional gimmicks at its disposal to use and reuse as they see fit.

So really: What can we do? Unless the McDonald's Corporation wants to throw some green our way to tap into our unique skill set, we're not inclined to lift a finger. And even if the burger giant did approach us, we'd have to think long and hard about doing anything for them.

Why? Because we're a big believer in The American Way. A tried and true entity that started from the ground up should work their own sort of magic regarding promotion and public awareness without outside meddling. Besides, McDonald's has been doing its thing as a franchise for the last 50+ years. They know what works and what doesn't.

The Unbelievables - fabulous as we are - isn't an organization who likes to get involved in things not in our, shall we say, "expertisial purview." To wit, burger slinging and McCaffinating the general public isn't our thing.

Slinging bad guys out a window by their keesters and wooing the ladies ("Hello, Ladies!") is our bent.

We're content to let McDonald's nuggets fall where they may. (Besides ... that Ronald dude is downright creepy.)

But ... thanks for thinking of us.

We Get (Easter) Letters

Yes folks, it's time for another delve into the Unbelieva-mailbag for a quick peruse. The first one is from Terry Towelling from Ireland, WV (little known fact: Ireland, WV is the American home of the sport of Irish Road-Bowling - ed.)who asks:

Dear Unbelievables,

Faith and begorrah, to be sure, I know we have chocolate eggs at Easter, but do they have to be in the flamin' shops so gosh darn early in the year? It seems as soon as Christmas is over they put the eggs in the shops. Why is this and can you fellers do anything to stop it? Oh, bejeesus and begorrah, Darby O'Gill and de Little People, sorr, to be sure. (stop with the Irish stuff - Ed.)

Well, let us answer those questions one at a time.

1. They don't have to be in the shops that early, but the shops would like us to believe that it is necessary, so that they can make more money selling us stuff that's frivolous and unhealthy. I could go into a long diatribe about the fact that we all eat so much unhealthy crap these days because of the post-WW2 end of rationing, but I won't. Fun fact though - one thing that wasn't rationed during WW2 in Britain was fish and chips. 

2. Sadly, Terry, we are not at liberty to stop the perfectly legal, and it is perfectly legal to sell candy at any time of year. Once it becomes restricted, we'll talk. 

Your letter does remind me of a pet peeve of mine, though, and that has to do with the size of chocolate products in general. Back in the day, Easter Eggs were mahoosive.  Remember back in the day when the eggs that are now known as Cadbury's Creme Eggs 

were known as Rowntree Mackintosh's Cream Eggs? 

Remember back when people used to challenge each other to put a whole one in their mouth and eat it? How many trips to the local casualty department could have been avoided if they hadn't tried it?

Not even close.

 But nowadays, now that they cost a helluva lot more, they are no longer a challenge because they're so small.

I believe we should begin a campaign against the shrinking of our choccie bars. Every few months, another couple of grams is shaved off the weight of a candy bar and the price either stays the same or increases. Is it just me? C'mon, world. Join me in this noble quest. 

"Let's Make Our Marathons Great Again!"

The Strange Case Of The Layaway Plan - Chapter 3 (or "Mounting Debts 'R' Us")

... and then came something so insidiously horrifying that it's worked its way into becoming a notorious modern day plague, courtesy of Kiefer Reef's devious machinations: 

The Advance Payday Store

This guy. Mastermind money maker extraordinaire ...

Adding to the legacy of his great-great-great-great-great-great-not-so-great grand uncle Sean Pawn, this was Kiefer's response to layaway's steady decline over the years. Jump into your car and head on over to your local advance payday store for a loan just about guaranteed to put you in hock over your ears. The ultimate "gotcha." The easy way to quick money ("No credit problem too big for us!") Because, really: Don't all of us need to pay 60 points on the dollar in time of need?

All you need do is waltz into one of these money shops, tell them what you need, practically sign (in blood) on the dotted line and you high-step out of the joint with cash in hand, happy as a lark.

Better yet ... who needs a car? Log on with your trusty computer and do it from the comfort of your own home while still in your skivvies.

The ages-old stand-by marketing plan:

Smiling beautiful people. Congratulations - you've got the public hooked ...

Yes, clever as well as insidious. Kiefer had it going on when he came up with this little plot, expanded over the years nationwide with thousands of stores which keep his fortunes not only maintained but growing healthily. Even more brilliant was his initial marketing plan to bring the throngs in - showcase attractive Beautiful People smiling away as they wave a handful of cash. Talk about being distracted by shiny objects ...

Clark noted Kiefer's twisted machinations aren't too much for The Unbelievables to handle ... and, really, they're not. It's simply a matter of educating the public at large. (Mainly with a "Hey, buddy: Are you insane? You might have your problems in the monetary department right now as you see them, but trust us when we say they'll escalate tenfold if you step foot in this joint ...")

The majority of the time we're successful in steering unsuspecting regular Joes from these places. But the public mind is an interesting turmoil of emotion and self-gratifying need - its going to do what it wants, common sense be damned. If they want instant money, dad gum it, they're going to get it. "This establishment is a legal place of business! Don't tell ME I can't go in there and get what's coming to me!"

Yeah. They get what's coming to them all right ... in the form of a speedy lesson.

Kiefer Reef, backed by free enterprise. The criminal mind is a dark, thorny, treacherous, evil place ...