Rockin' It

By far, though, one of the most "interesting" things we did (though, I rather did enjoy the dunk tank Clark mentioned last post) came courtesy of losing a bet. (It was all Jeff's fault for making the bet in the first place and allowing the conditions of said wager result in a "winner's choice" outcome. But that's a tale for another time ...)

Fortunately for us, the bet was contingent upon a one shot deal. But it was weird. We were once fashion models at a local rock and gem show.

And here's the weird thing: The organizers of the show didn't want it known The Unbelievables were the ones doing the modeling. No celebrity publicity whatsoever. They wanted us only for our masters of disguise abilities. (I told you it was weird.)

Take a look ...

Believe it or not, this is Jeff blowing extremely fine gold dust from his hand. 

Yeah ... we didn't get it either ...

 They made me dress up as a little girl rock hound ...

 Clark made a rather "smashing" run-of-the-mill female geologist.

(So they said.)

Legend has it someone called "Amethyst Girl" is a real showstopper.

Here's Jeff as that icon ...

This? Was one of the interactive photo booths.

(Jeff is on the left, Clark on the right. I played the rock.)

There was lots of hand modeling just like this. Go figure. 

For some reason this was a popular scene at the event ...

... and The Organizational Powers That Be highly encouraged these types of close ups

as fans walked up and down the aisles ... 

Yes. This is Clark. In this get up. (You can totally tell it's him.)

I don't remember if this was Jeff, if it was Clark or if it was me.
Bottom line? Great disguise!

By the time the shindig closed its doors

(6 hours of ultra boring geological mumbo jumbo talk)

I was ready to kill one of its directors. (Almost got away with it, too.)

In the end we survived. The show producers were pleased, noting we were a hit. (How? We still don't have a clue.) They even asked us back. We politely declined, pointing out the terms of our bet had been met to the letter.

At least for this type of rock show, we're done.

Disguise The Limit

For us, it's easy. For you schmoes, not so much. Using our well-honed undercover disguise skills, a touch of Unbelieva-Zen and more than a smidge of help from the "Sooper Disguise-O-Matic Undercover Kit" (Patent Pending) we can transform ourselves at will into any ethnicity or nationality.

For example...

Asian/Native American 80s hip-hop dude (?)

Scottish time traveller...

South Korean...

Aussie...

Hispanic funny dude...

Frenchmen...

Canadian...

and whatever the heck this is.

Yes folks. The pictures above are ALL us.

What sort of results would ensue if we weren't professionals who have practised our craft for years? Most likely the same results you guys would get if you tried it. Which is why we don't recommend that you do. Try it, that is.

Of course it helps that we have a certain degree of wit,sophistication, charm and disarming modesty too. That way we are able to mingle with anyone and everyone, from the highest to the lowest. F'rinstance...

Helping one G. Butler Esq. home from the local boozer.

Shopping fun with our buddy Hugh.

Giving Luke a bit of a squeeze. He likes to be squeezed.

Demonstrating some of our latest eyewear gadgets to a young lady singer from Barbados.

And all because we can blend in. It's easy when you know how.

Les Unbeliev-enfants

Hi there. I'm back and can reveal my whereabouts last week: I was saving The Royal Baby. That's right, freshly minted Prince George got kidnapped briefly for a day or two shortly after getting born. What's that? You didn't hear about it? Why, thank you! I can't give away all the details (some aspects of the case are still classified) but it was a pretty quick and easy operation. You might think Jeff would be the one called to handle a situation with The Royal Family... which is precisely why I took care of it. The element of surprise. Crooks would have seen Jeff coming a kilometer away.

The most difficult disguise I've ever attempted

Upon the successful completion, William and Kate were so thrilled that they wanted to name the baby after me. I blushed and said, "That isn't necessary. I was just doing my job. But since you're The Royal Family, why don't you name him after the greatest player in Kansas City Royals history?" William said, "You...think we should name our son, the eventual heir to the throne, Prince Willie Wilson?" I replied, "What? No! Of course not!" Kate piped up, "Prince Amos Otis?" Man, British people really don't know their baseball history. I said, "Never mind. Just name him after the fourth most popular Beatle then."

No respect.

Cases involving children take on a special meaning for us. Probably because, and not many people know this either, we started out as kids ourselves. Here's a picture from one of our earliest cases together...

Sometimes, one or more of us is black. Don't let it throw you.

If I had to guess, I would say this was taken just after the successful completion of "Operation: Sneak out of school and go to the zoo to watch the monkeys do it". That case literally changed Michael's life.

Speaking of Michael, he and Jeff undoubtedly have fond childhood memories of their own. I''m sure they'll be thrilled to share them with you!

Just Another Rock-n-Roll Bodyguard Story

As Clark made you all aware on Monday, there have been many times when we have undertaken bodyguard-type work. Michael refers to these times as "a little extra sum-sum'pn" but I prefer to think of them as "slow crime weeks". See, when there's not enough bad guys out there to vanquish, things can get a little thin over at the Unbelieva-base.

At least there's beer.

Now, because we were so well-known around Vegas and Tinseltown, not to mention the Great White Way, Tin Pan Alley and La-La-Land (and Disney World), we had been asked many times if we offered personal protective services, by which we mean this...

Not this.

So, in order to keep the wolf from the door, we decided to take on a few clients and keep the fridge fully stocked.

Just can't get good help these days.

One of our first clients was the actor Karl Malden, who felt the need to hire bodyguards when he embarked upon a recording career and felt certain he would be mobbed wherever he went.

Sadly for Mr. Malden, this was not only his only recording, but the only copy ever sold. Well, that's not specifically true - he actually gave us this copy, then 'borrowed' five bucks from Michael one day and 'forgot' to return it.

We also met a musical group of young'uns who were big fans of ours. Such big fans, in fact, that they did a pastiche of one of the more famous pictures of us, from one of our early cases where we employed the services of Schlomo McCaskill, the world's only Scottish-Jewish-American FBI agent. Here's the original...

And their version...

They called themselves Jiminy Christmas and The Fires of Molech, but we thought that was a bit wordy and just called them dorks. However, we offered them our services, and it worked out for a while. Because we needed to protect our identities, we went in disguise as another band, which helped us to blend in seamlessly.

Here we are as "The Spontaneous Cheese Polka Experience". Now that's a band name.

It all went belly-up with Jiminy after a while, when they failed to secure a record deal and went their separate ways. We only had one more musical client after that, and it was this character.

As you can see, his name is not worth remembering, but he thought he was something when Dick Dale, after one too many adult beverages, agreed to let him play at his club. Big mistake. This dude literally never wore clothes anywhere if he could avoid doing so. We got really fed up with escorting a nudist about. So when he took the stage, believe me, he needed protecting. However, by this point we'd had enough of his naked shenanigans and had left the building.

I'm sure he's OK and made it out alive.

Michael will let you know about some of our other bodyguard assignments on Friday. Till then... ciao!

A serious note from Jeff

Hello, Unbelievables fans. Jeff Hickmott here, taking me dog Patches for walkies around the British village of Lancstershire-In-Shambles where I'm on holiday. That's what we British people call vacations and I am British.

We've had a lot of fun this week talking about disguises, haven't we? Yes. Yes,we have. But it's important to remember to be ourselves, whether it's you Yanks or us Brits (that's short for British People, of which I am one). Be true to who we are and those we care about. Sure, I can drive a lorry down to the local pub and watch football with me mates while downing fish and chips and ale by the litre, but eventually I'm going to say, "Cor, I've downed too many litres of ale, I 'ave, I 'ave" and then I'm going to have to take a lift to the loo. And there, I'm going to have to be okay with being meself, a British bloke here in Jolly Old England, which is British for Great Britain. And blimey, you should bloody well do likewise!

Still more maje-e-estic shalt thou rise,

More dre-e-e-e-eadful from each foreign stroke,

More dreadful, dreadful from each foreign stroke,

Loud blast above us, loud blast that tears the skies

Serves but to ro-o-o-ot thy native oak.

Rule Britannia!

Britannia rule the waves.

Britons never, never, never shall be slaves.

Rule Britannia!

Britannia rule the waves.

Britons never, never, never shall be slaves.

Ha! Suckers! I fooled you! It's me, Clark, disguised as Jeff! Wooooo! You should see your faces right now.  You were totally sucked in.You're all like, "W-h-a-a-a-a-t???"
Mind. Blown.

Depicted: You (when did you start dressing like Buddy Holly?)

Don't deny it; my absolutely top-notch, genius-level impersonation of Jeff was totally aided by my ever-so-subtle British colloquialisms. You chumps never had a chance. And that's the real lesson we learned this week; you can never let your guard down when dealing with masters of disguise!

Robots? You bet I love 'em!

Of course I love robots! What's not to like? They build our cars. They explore our outlying planets. They provide pursuit vehicles for our cats.

Star Wars? That whole thing was a story about what hapens to two robots. They're awesome!
When it comes to disguises, I'm all about robots. Let's face it, we're living in a world dominated by technology. What better way to fit in and not be noticed (the purpose of disguisery) than as a robot? Also, disguising yourself as a human takes a lot of work. You have to take on new vocal characteristics and physical mannerisms and actually become another person. You can't just throw on a rubber mask and act like you usually do. Because then people say things like, "why does Jeff look so rubbery?". If you don't have the time to commit to becoming a character, it's best to make like The Transformers. Except it's not "Robots In Disguise", more like "Robots As Disguise".
Here are some basics do's and don'ts when it's time for you to...

• DO make lots of beeps and blurps. That's robot language! "Beep boop boop beep bop boop beep beep boop beep!" That isn't just nonsense; if you say it correctly, it's Marissa Rapier's home phone number.
• DO include lots of gauges, buttons and light bulbs. People are put off by intricate techno-gadgets. The more stuff there is to look at, the less likely somebody is to examine you, allowing you to remain undetected.
• DO be shiny. Everybody knows robots are made out of space-age polymers and stuff, material that is naturally shiny. Nobody is going to give you any credibility if you show up for a high-tech stakeout looking like this:

Pity, maybe. But not credibility. Although, sometimes credibility is overrated...

• DO talk in a stiff, monotone voice. Nothing is creepier than robot voices that try to sound human (think: the automated systems you encounter when you call your cable provider). Stick with the "TAKE-ME-TO-YOUR-LEADER" cadence and you'll be fine (okay, I know that's something that Martians say, not robots, but you get the idea). 
• DON'T do "The Robot". I know it's tempting, but just... don't, okay? Don't.
• And as always, DO be prepared to rescue any and all damsels in distress.

  

  Beep! HELLO-LADY! Boop!

Here are some declassified photos of The Unbelievables in action, to give you some focus...

Notice how we're just standing there, in the middle of a public street and nobody is paying any attention to us? Perfect! This allowed us to nab the band of criminals who had turned all the traffic lights red in Seattle.

Here we are leading a frightened mob to safety shortly after a nuclear plant went haywire in Ohio; "Beep, boop, beep, FOLLOW-US-IF-YOU-WANT-TO-LIVE-AND-IGNORE-THE-IRONY-THAT-THE-SAME-TECHNOLOGY-THAT-IS-SAVING-YOUR-LIVES-IS-THE-SAME-TECHNOLOGY-THAT-PUT-YOU-ALL-IN-DANGER-IN-THE-FIRST-PLACE. Boop, beep, boop."
So now you have all you need to walk undetected among the machines like a pro.
Happy robot-ing!

Our mentor of disguise

Funny that Jeff mentioned the specific phrase "action figure" because it immediately calls to mind none other than Captain Action, the man who taught us the art of disguise.



"Ray gun: check. Lightning sword: check. Underwear on the inside: Oh damn it!"

We never learned his real name but that's okay. If there's one thing we understand, it's that it's important to guard your secrets in our line of work. Captain Action (or Cap or C.A. as we called him) never became quite as widely known or appreciated as G.I. Joe, but those familiar with him know that versatility was his strongest suit. He could become anybody!


"Bah! Your licensing restrictions are of no concern to me!"

That was not always the case, however. I said earlier that he taught us the art of disguise, but actually, we kind of learned together.
We had taken on the assignment of infiltrating a rogue paramilitary organization in order to steal their plans for a weapon of mass destruction. We had gotten in but were stuck in a corridor deep within the compound, unable to proceed without being spotted due to their armed guards and a state-of-the-art video surveillance system. We came across one of their shock troops and he tried to take us out. Of course, we handled that minor obstacle with little difficulty but figured we had only bought ourselves a precious few seconds before more troops were dispatched, in greater numbers and with bigger weapons. That's when Cap sprung into Action...
CAPTAIN ACTION: Quick! Help me put on that guard's jacket and hat!
US: (We help him)
CAPTAIN ACTION: Excellent! Now I can move among them and not be detected!
MICHAEL: That's great, except you forgot about the dozens of video cameras all over this place.
CAPTAIN ACTION: What about them?
JEFF: They totally just watched you put on one of their uniforms.
CAPTAIN ACTION: I don't follow...
CLARK: You have no element of surprise. They're all like, "Hey look, one of them just put on one of our uniforms!", "Oh wow, which one?", "The one that didn't have one on before and who is wearing his underwear on the outside!", "Oh, well, let's kill him and then his friends!".
CAPTAIN ACTION: ...
US: ...
CAPTAIN ACTION: Let me wear your sunglasses!

Anyway, it turns out that they were all watching some sports thing on tv and weren't even paying attention to the video cameras (the one guy we encountered was just on his way to the men's room) because we just kind of walked into their offices, found the plans and left through the front door. But we all got better at the art of disguise after that. Especially Captain Action.


A LOT better!

Back In The Day with Jeff - Or, Jeff's Evolution of (Crime-Fighting) Style

Being the only Unbelievable born and raised in a different country (the great UK), my early experiences were somewhat different to that of my fellow crime-fighters. But, even at an early age, I had an innate sense that I was somewhat special. It may have been that the toys were different ("Action Man" instead of "GI Joe"), the shoes were different (Clarks instead of Keds), the clothes, the atmosphere... whatever you want to call it, it was clear I had a gift. A calling, if you will. One that I was to share with fellow camp-mate when we were 14-year-olds at Camp Action!, and later to share with Clark as we were fledgling Unbelievables. Even later, to share with the world (and especially the ladies) as we championed the cause of justice and freedom throughout the cosmiverse.

Michael and Clark have already shown you some early snaps of themselves and kinfolk at this tender and impressionable stage of their lives. Now it falls to me to continue the trend and fish out some photos of the young Jeff. Here goes... it could get messy.

Back in the day it was considered OK to put your son in something resembling a dress, sit them on top of the sideboard and see what happens. Clearly I was unfazed by it all and just smiled as if to say, "Ha! I laugh in the face of potential falls and other safety hazards!"

My first major coup - winning the local Bonny Baby contest. Those other guys never stood a chance.

Not only was I extremely fashionable from a young age, my family were too. Here I am pictured with Mum aka The Mole, Sis aka Lefty, Nan aka The Fixer, and family matriarch Gran, otherwise known as "G".

Lefty and I on one of our early undercover assignments as wedding guests in the case of  "Bride and Groom Kaboom".

On the same assignment, "G" passing on some information about some dodgy-looking potato salad.

Lefty and I hosted a masterclass called How To Tell A Real Cake From A Bomb Cake.

As the years passed, it became obvious that I was a stylish gent in the making.

Me with Big L and The Cook (aka Nan and Grandad). I learned a lot about style from these two.

If there is one thing the ladies love, it's a skinny teen in a fishnet t-shirt.

My prized antique linen weskit helps me to blend in with the background seamlessly.

One of the things we Unbelievables are noted for is our mastery of disguise. We all bring different aspects of this skill to the table which enables us to help each other out when selecting the perfect get-up. For my part I am able to use skills that were taught to me by my Grandfather, Big L. Not only was he able to impart knowledge of crimefighting skills...

Here we are selecting the perfect desk accessory to be turned into a weapon in our arsenal of gadgets. The lady in the background was trying to listen in, but before she could blab anything to anyone she developed a severe headache and had to have a couple of ibuprofen and a lie down, after which she forgot all about it.

...he was a true chameleon and claimed to have studied the techniques of actor Lon Chaney in perfecting his craft. For example:

This recently declassified photo shows Big L  in deep cover as Musky LaPointe,  French-Apache fur trader and mountain man.

Here are a few pictures of myself in deep cover...

As Kenny Bonsoir, chubby Rik Mayall and unicorn impersonator, on  The Case Of The Disappearing Chicken Tikka Masala.

In the pillory disguised as a tourist.

With Lefty, disguised as Marco Pontoon, real-estate magnate and fishing buff. This case was called Shape Up Or Ship Out.

You can see here where Big L's influence was rubbing off  on me. This character is called  Keen-Eyes McTraction, sharpshooter extraordinaire. I was undercover at a Wild West theme park, where someone had been stealin' all the popcorn for nefarious purposes.

Rockin' and rollin' as Skins Wolstenholme, ace drummer for Bullfrog and The Toads.  The case was called  Over And (Far) Out.

Blending in seamlessly again with some nice Slovakian ladies (Hello, ladies!)

Again, as an overweight chubby guy in a shop trying on terribly overpriced hats.  The case? Fur Too Expensive.

Glasses can simply change one's appearance beyond recognition, can't they? Yes, believe it or not, this is me.

Here I am as Oberon in our Unbelievable production of The Tempest.

Not in disguise, but learning all about the art of the bow tie with The Mole.

With each passing year I have learned more and more about the things it takes to be an Unbelievable. We, all three of us, have a motto: A day without learning is a day wasted. I can certainly vouch for that: every day brings a new skill or new style tip, each equally valuable. And that, folks, is why I shall remain...

A truly stylish gent.