Les Unbeliev-enfants

Hi there. I'm back and can reveal my whereabouts last week: I was saving The Royal Baby. That's right, freshly minted Prince George got kidnapped briefly for a day or two shortly after getting born. What's that? You didn't hear about it? Why, thank you! I can't give away all the details (some aspects of the case are still classified) but it was a pretty quick and easy operation. You might think Jeff would be the one called to handle a situation with The Royal Family... which is precisely why I took care of it. The element of surprise. Crooks would have seen Jeff coming a kilometer away.

The most difficult disguise I've ever attempted

Upon the successful completion, William and Kate were so thrilled that they wanted to name the baby after me. I blushed and said, "That isn't necessary. I was just doing my job. But since you're The Royal Family, why don't you name him after the greatest player in Kansas City Royals history?" William said, "You...think we should name our son, the eventual heir to the throne, Prince Willie Wilson?" I replied, "What? No! Of course not!" Kate piped up, "Prince Amos Otis?" Man, British people really don't know their baseball history. I said, "Never mind. Just name him after the fourth most popular Beatle then."

No respect.

Cases involving children take on a special meaning for us. Probably because, and not many people know this either, we started out as kids ourselves. Here's a picture from one of our earliest cases together...

Sometimes, one or more of us is black. Don't let it throw you.

If I had to guess, I would say this was taken just after the successful completion of "Operation: Sneak out of school and go to the zoo to watch the monkeys do it". That case literally changed Michael's life.

Speaking of Michael, he and Jeff undoubtedly have fond childhood memories of their own. I''m sure they'll be thrilled to share them with you!

How Elvis got to be everywhere

Yes, Elvis was a very good friend and an invaluable confidante to The Unbelievables. We were devastated when he passed away. Unfortunately, we didn't have time to mourn before we had to spring into action to deal with the consequences of his death.



You ain't nothing but a group
of organisms or cells produced
asexually from one ancestor or stock,
to which they are genetically identical.



Very, very few people knew about this but one of Elvis's greatest interests was human genetics, specifically the area of cloning. Deep beneath the Graceland compound is a laboratory where far stranger things routinely took place than could ever occur at Area 51, which doesn't even exist so forget I mentioned that. Being a conscientious and ethical scientist, Elvis insisted on conducting these experiments only on himself. As a result, he accumulated thousands of clones over the years. Some of these experiments were more successful than others but he kept them all in a holding facility, where they were fed and cared for lovingly... until his death. That day, utterly distraught at the passing of their patriarch, the cloned Elvises (or Elvi) broke out of the holding facility and swarmed out into the world, running amuck over the state of Tennessee. The level of panic was incredible. The city of Memphis fell almost immediately. Citizens were advised to head to the state capital in Nashville with the promise of first aid, shelter and protection from the National Guard, but that was a pipe dream. All major population centers were completely overrun within days. Stockpiles of food, ammunition and KC and the Sunshine Band records were being exhausted at an alarming rate. Small bands of survivors scavenged for supplies by day and tried their best to avoid being serenaded by off-key renditions of "Love Me Tender" by night. Those people did the the best they could against the Elvi but they were fighting a losing battle. Thousands of people were being Thanked, Thanked Very Much every day.

"Ma'am, the hunk a hunk a burnin' love is coming from JUST OUTSIDE THE HOUSE!"

We got there as soon as we could to assess the situation and came up with a plan right away. Since all British people know each other, Jeff called his pal Paul McCartney (who had faked his own death in 1966 so he could quit the Beatles and concentrate on his true passion, sheep herding, but that's a whole other story) who immediately assisted us in training elite Beatlemania commando units. Because there's nothing in the world that Elvis found more threatening than the Beatles, with the possible exception of a nice, fresh salad.

Although, there's nothing that says you can't deep fry a salad.

We deployed those units strategically throughout the region, where they encountered the clones who turned and retreated in terror. Eventually, they were able to steer the majority of the Elvi back to Graceland where they were corralled again, hosed down and given a nice meal of banana pudding and Dilaudid. They settled right down and are docile and happy today, ranging freely about on Graceland's back 40 acres, an area not open to the public. 



Beatle Team 6; the unsung heroes of Loudon, Knox, Grainger and Claiborne counties



The operation wasn't a complete success, as some got as far away as South Carolina, Georgia and New Mexico where they took jobs as short order cooks at truck stops, leading some to believe they had sighted The King himself. Even now, finding some of the stray clones in places all over the globe is not uncommon. All we can say is that should give you an idea of the sheer numbers we were faced with back in 1977. At least, as Michael pointed out, they're manageable now. And you're welcome.



"B-a-a-a-con, p-e-eanut butter, b-a-a-nana sandwiches!!!"



Something's Not Right: Case Closed (An Unbelievables Follow-Up)

Whoomp! There it is!

Yes ... The Unbelievables can carve another notch in their bedpost (metaphorically speaking) when it comes to cases closed.

And this win really needs to go to Jeff and his brilliant shout out of our allies Dynamo, Paul McKenna and Derren Brown.

Sometimes, it's just a matter of letting the bad guys know who they're going up against that sends them running.

In Professor Rob Ott's case, maybe it was the video of Dynamo traipsing across the Thames which got to him ... perhaps it was the shame he might have felt at indirectly being called "fat" by McKenna ... or maybe it was simply Brown's steely stare (with eyes shooting lasers) that elicited icy fear within him.

No matter the reason, a non-descript white envelope marked "The Unbelievables - Please Read" was left at our headquarters yesterday from Ott that relinquished any and all world domination tendencies he might have been seeking. The key words he used that widened our eyes upon reading the note? Shockingly, they were "I'm sorry."

You see ... villains never say "I'm sorry." Never ever. They could give a rat's ass if you know they're sorry or otherwise. They'd just as soon cackle evilly to your face than apologize. As a matter of fact, we haven't seen anything quite like this before in our crime fighting-history.

While were happy Ott has backed off his dastardly doings, we clearly are able to read between the lines. Ott's apology is simply a way for him to recede into the shadows and regroup to figure out how to combat what he cannot possibly overcome in the end: The Unbelievables' hefty arsenal of ammunition.

So ... with a simple "Case: Closed" we tuck this file into our cabinet, confident in the knowledge it isn't everyday we need to put on our best duds and enact mayhem upon creeps, quashing their public-threatening, selfish ways.

America? You're welcome.

P.S. Jodie Foster? We've seen to it she's getting the care she needs after her little Golden Globe tirade, induced by Ott's machinations. Rumor has it she's back on track and considering a couple high-profile scripts for her reintroduction back into the Hollywood fold. (Thankfully, the words "electric" and "boogaloo" are NOT in the titles of said scripts.

P.P.S. For shits and giggles, we decided to send a thank you to Ott in response to his considerate note ... and we included a copy of the Dynamo issue of Beano because we know this would strike an icy spike of fear in him. (When it comes to super villains, it's not enough to stick it to them - you've got to add a little twist for emphasis ...)