It would be dumb to do things we can't/won't do

Michael began the week with a post about things we can't/won't do because we're busy or otherwise disinterested. Jeff followed up with a plug for a cookbook. I'm not sure what I should do here so I guess I'll combine the two things: Things We Can't/Won't Cook/Eat.

MEATLOAF

Can eat it, will eat it (because it's delicious and the single reason that ketchup should exist), can't cook it. It's meat, I get that. But how do you get the onions and breadcrumbs in there? Feed that stuff to a cow a long time ago? Then, how do you get it into a loaf shape? Is there a loaf part of the cow?

Let the culinary geniuses figure that out and bless them for their selfless work.

PEAS

Could probably cook them (what is there to that besides heating them?), but won't because I won't eat them. I think they taste terrible. I also find them smug. And why are there always so many of them?

FISH WITH THE HEAD STILL ON

Can cook it (because as far as I can tell, all you do is take the fish out of the water and throw it right into the oven), absolutely will not ever eat it. Is an explanation even necessary? It is? Oh, okay; I'm not a sociopath. I don't enjoy looking at the facial expression of something while I eat it. Same goes for pancakes.

Avert your cold, dead, delicious gaze

BAKED GOODS

Will happily eat, can not cook. Every recipe starts with flour and water, which is how you make glue. Adding eggs and sugar to glue doesn't automatically equal cookies. Unless it does. I don't know.

Can't Cook? Won't Cook?

You probably noticed on Monday that one of the requests Michael was talking about concerned a lady who did not know what to fix her husband for dinner. Believe me, we get more and more silly requests from these unimaginative, non-creative people than you can shake a stick at (by the way, what kind of phrase is that, anyway? I mean, who are these people that just walk around with sticks in their hands, looking for stuff to shake them at? I'll tell ya who - old people, that's who. They're the ones with the monopoly on sticks and stick-shaking. And they're the ones that make up daft phrases like that, too, I'll bet.) and that is why I have taken it upon myself to publish a cookbook for all those thickies  folks out there that might be incompetent a little lacking in the cuisine department.

Yes folks, for the rock-bottom price of only $29.95, you can own this indispensable guide to not making huge mistakes in the kitchen. You can learn:

• the mantra "If you got rice, you got dinner!"
• how to use burnt toast
• get creative with spaghetti hoops
• the other mantra "Canned mushrooms are your friend!"
• what to do with that 4-year-old jar of gherkins

It's true! For only six monthly payments of $10 inc. P&P, you can get your hands on a copy of this life-saving, meal-rescuing and money-stretching book, handsomely bound in filo pastry, full of tips and tricks to ensure you never go hungry again! Lots of your questions answered! For example:

• does yogurt ever really go off?
• does cheese ever really go bad?
• when does the 5-second-rule apply?
• my dog grabbed my steak and dragged it round the garden. Is it salvageable?
• what about blue cheese? Isn't that mouldy already?

And many more!
And the really great thing about this book is, it's made from Triscuits and Weetabix all smushed up together, so even if you try the methods outlined in this book and fail (which is virtually impossible) you can still make a delicious meal by covering this book in cheese and toasting it!

All profits of this book go to a worthy cause, namely, Marissa's Home For Wayward Showgirls. 

And don't forget with every seven copies you order, you get one free! Christmas - sorted.


You're welcome, world.

(Offer not valid in KY, HI or MT. Allow 6 -8 months for delivery. )

Indispensable Ulf

Let's just get one thing straight - I was never in any doubt that Ulf was the perfect pooch pal for us unbelieva-chaps - I merely underestimated his abilities, which, let's face it, is easy to do when the only hounds you're used to are your average, everyday, run-of-the-mill, common-or-garden variety dogs. Ulf is one in a million. But to all appearances, he's just a regular dog, although you never can tell what breed. His mastery of disguise is legendary.

So as I was saying, I had yet to see his other abilities put to the test in the field, so to speak. I mean, sure, we set him up one of those dog-show style assault courses, and he aced it. More than that, he set a world record time without even having to be shown what to do. Unlike this feller here...




But I was to find out that there are many strings to Ulf's bow. For example...

He's rescued people in all sorts of dire emergencies. Here he is pulling some poor unfortunates from an icy grave...

Fearlessly diving in first to pull Michael Phelps out of a mucky lake while we three look on in admiration. Old Phelpsy had been on the wacky baccy again.

Searching through the rubble in some foreign land fully equipped to deal with unexploded bombs and landmines etc.

Helpfully guiding a lost dolphin back to her family group.

Demonstrating the art of digging for avalanche victims in the Pyrenees...

and teaching new Search & Rescue recruits how to jump out of helicopters into the icy Alaskan waters beneath in order to save people. 

He's a bomb disposal expert, too. Here he is showing one of those Army robots how it should be done.

On the weekends he trots off down to the airport to help sniff out contraband. He can tell the difference between Colombian marching powder and Lamb Jalfrezi at 100 paces.

Plus, he's extremely useful around here too.

Covering shifts for Kip the Mail Boy when he's on his hols...

Always takes his turns answering the phone...

and he's becoming a pretty decent cook.

The ladies love him. Good boy, Ulf!

Yes, I think it's fair to say that Ulf truly is The Unbelievables' best friend!

Ciao!

Are You Qualified?

Many aspiring Unbelievababes write, call or email us, asking us what it would take for them to qualify. What are the qualities we Unbelieva-gents look for in potential female companions/assistants? Well, firstly, if you think that all the Unbelievababes are is a bunch of female companions and assistants, be aware that they are much, much more than that. Both Clark and Michael have outlined what the Unbelievababes are capable of and the rigorous training they go through in order to maintain their Unbelievababe credentials.

Firstly, you have to be fearless, brave, fierce. If you are the sort of person who reacts to crises like this...

...then just stop right now. You will not cut the mustard.

Secondly (and quite importantly) you have to be female. 

Sorry, sir. Apply elsewhere.

Third, you need to be able to kick ass if necessary.

Four - you need to be able to look immaculate at all times.

Five, know your way around the kitchen.

Sophia's got the idea.

A little too peppy, methinks.

Better, but all you're doing is boiling water. Careful, you might get a scald.

A bit messy, and you've ruined the eggs.

Well done, Rachael.

I think what it boils down to is you need to keep three images in mind. One...

Brave, fierce..

Two...

courteous, accommodating...

Three...

no slouch with a recipe book.

Oh, and if it helps, just ponder on the images above and below, and it might put you in the right frame of mind. Maybe then you'll get to join the ranks of the Unbelievababes.

Meet The (Coaching) Staff

For those of you who haven't been keeping up, the World Cup is now in its quarter-final stage, and believe it or not, we're still in the running. Yes, having given The Sultanate of Brunei a sound hiding (we beat them 17-2 - and one of theirs was an own goal caused when goalie Michael decided to re-tie his boots and remove his pants at the same time near the goalmouth, and tripped over the ball. However, the defensive skills of Clark and my striking prowess safely saw us through to the next game), we are lined up to play tomorrow against Andorra or The Vatican, depending on the outcome of that match. Pope Francis is very tasty in midfield.

Our success at the game of football can only be matched by our crmefighting skills, which we've also been putting to good use during our time here in Brazil. Any jewel robberies in your neighbourhood lately, hmm? Thought not. You are welcome.

But I must say, we're not just talented footballers - raw talent like ours must be moulded into shape by the best coaching team on the planet, and that is what we have. Meet the coaches...

First up...

COACH RAMSAY

While the rest of the world knows him as a foul-mouthed, bad-tempered sonofabitch who can cook up a storm, we know him as our Gentle Giant. Big-hearted Coach Ramsay likes to provide us with healthy goat-cheese-and-pancetta-wrapped-watercress sandwiches on the sidelines during our training sessions, followed by a relaxing pasta-making session. Then he calls us all donkeys and throws what we've made in the bin. We love you, Coach!

And speaking of cookery...

COACH SMITH

Delia Smith is the gal that brought cooking to the masses in the 70s, 80s and 90s. She is also a majority shareholder in Norwich City FC and a rollicking good sport on the Unbelieva-sidelines too. For some reason she likes to come into the locker rooms at (ahem) inopportune moments (like when we're semi-nude) and inspect our kit. And of course, being the Unbelievables, we welcome her with open arms. She's an excellent coach, and her very vocal guidance from the stands during a game is invaluable - whether we're playing well...

or playing horribly.

"SHOOOOT! BLOODY SHOOT, I SAID!!!"

Next...

COACH DAPPY

Not only can Dappy (from N-Dubz, if you're not sure) knock out a winning tune at the drop of a hat, but his ball-handling skills need to be witnessed to be believed. Plus, he choreographs all our goal celebrations (above) and shows us how to keep our street cred while dribbling - not an easy feat, but he pulls it off with flair and aplomb in equal measure.

Style, grace, elan... Coach Dappy knows what time it is.

And finally...

HEAD COACH ROD

He doesn't like being called "Coach Stewart". Says it makes him feel old. But Rod's a sprightly old bugger, despite being 96 years of age.

Rod has been a football fan all his life and plays football most everywhere he goes. He and fellow old codger Elton meet regularly for wind sprints.

He's a constant source of good advice...

"Now - let's start with the basics, shall we? Does anyone know what THIS is?"

So, there you have it - the people that keep us motivated and on our toes at all times. The people that stand there and cheer us on when we are doing well, and throw food at us when we aren't. The Yin to our Yang. The coaches. Hip Hip Hooray!