Indispensable Ulf

Let's just get one thing straight - I was never in any doubt that Ulf was the perfect pooch pal for us unbelieva-chaps - I merely underestimated his abilities, which, let's face it, is easy to do when the only hounds you're used to are your average, everyday, run-of-the-mill, common-or-garden variety dogs. Ulf is one in a million. But to all appearances, he's just a regular dog, although you never can tell what breed. His mastery of disguise is legendary.

So as I was saying, I had yet to see his other abilities put to the test in the field, so to speak. I mean, sure, we set him up one of those dog-show style assault courses, and he aced it. More than that, he set a world record time without even having to be shown what to do. Unlike this feller here...




But I was to find out that there are many strings to Ulf's bow. For example...

He's rescued people in all sorts of dire emergencies. Here he is pulling some poor unfortunates from an icy grave...

Fearlessly diving in first to pull Michael Phelps out of a mucky lake while we three look on in admiration. Old Phelpsy had been on the wacky baccy again.

Searching through the rubble in some foreign land fully equipped to deal with unexploded bombs and landmines etc.

Helpfully guiding a lost dolphin back to her family group.

Demonstrating the art of digging for avalanche victims in the Pyrenees...

and teaching new Search & Rescue recruits how to jump out of helicopters into the icy Alaskan waters beneath in order to save people. 

He's a bomb disposal expert, too. Here he is showing one of those Army robots how it should be done.

On the weekends he trots off down to the airport to help sniff out contraband. He can tell the difference between Colombian marching powder and Lamb Jalfrezi at 100 paces.

Plus, he's extremely useful around here too.

Covering shifts for Kip the Mail Boy when he's on his hols...

Always takes his turns answering the phone...

and he's becoming a pretty decent cook.

The ladies love him. Good boy, Ulf!

Yes, I think it's fair to say that Ulf truly is The Unbelievables' best friend!

Ciao!

Phoney Calls

Okay, let's just get one thing straight before we launch into this: it was Clark that pooped in Michael's coffee, not me. And it was not real poop. It was a 'cat poop' cookie. Y'know, one of those delicious no-bake cookies that look like a cat turd. Don't believe me? Here you go, have a recipe: Cat Poop Cookies

Now, before this turns into a cookery show, let's get the show on the road.

I got a call on the Unbelievaphone the other day...

"Hello, Unbelievables! You tip us off, our hats we will doff!"

"Jeff, will you please stop doing those stupid ad-rhyme-greeting things?"

"Oh, hi Michael. What up, dawg, fo rizzle ma nizzle?"

"And quit with the ghetto speak. That is also not very cool. What I wanted to talk about was Clark and his stupid training calls. To speak in the lingua franca of your birth country, they are getting right on my wick."

"Yes, me too, matey. And top marks for getting the phrase right."

"So what do we do about it? He called me earlier, pretending to be you and claiming that you pooped in my coffee, and urging ME to go poop in your tea."

"Well, that is ridiculous. I don't even drink tea. I'm a coffee guy, like you. Maybe we should call him up on that carphone he's so ruddy proud of."

"Now, that's an idea..."

So, a little bit later...

"RINGGG!!!"

"Heyy, Clark here, comin' at ya live from Da Unbelievajalopy!"

"(sigh) not you as well... Clark, we need you back here at the base pronto! Code red, repeat, code red!"

"I'm on the case! Returning to base asap!" (Sound of car tires squealing)

Boy, did we laugh. See, we knew what was waiting for Clark when he got back.

Payback.

One ringy-dingy

Sometimes I conduct telephone training, just to keep the guys on their toes. Being able to think fast and deal with threats, be they merely a nuisance or something more sinister, is a valuable skill in our line of work.

*RING RING*
"Hello, this is Michael."
"Hello. Is this Michael?"
"(Sigh) That's what I just--yes, this is Michael."
"Michael, do you like coffee?"
"Yes, I like coffee. Who is this?"
"This is the guy who pooped in your coffee!"
"All right, who the hell is this?!? Clark? Is this you? It better not be you."
"No, this isn't me. I mean, this isn't Clark."
"Well then who is it?!?"
"Uhhh... my name is Jeff."
"Jeff, huh?"
"Yes. Me name Jeff. Me Engrish. Me from Gleat Blitain. You no can tell?"
"Well, the highly offensive stereotype accent you're attempting sounds more Asian than British..."
"Ha ha! Me tlicky!"
"(Sigh again) Listen, whoever you aren't, I'm kind of busy..."
"You know good way to get back at me, me being Jeff? You should poop in my tea! Mine, being Jeff's!"
"Great. Brilliant idea. I'll get right on that."
"You will? Oh, me will be soooo angry!"
"Right. (hangs up)"

Then I got a call ...

Some people just can not take a hint!

"Thank you for calling the Unbelievabase, this is Clark speaking. Please state your crisis."
"(Squealing) Is this really one of The Unbelievables?"
"Yes ma'am. How can I help you?"
"I need you to come over right away. I have a silky negilgee on and I need help taking it off."
"Are you serious?"
"Oh, I'm totally serious."
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Mmmmm. Anything."
"Why on earth did you buy a garment that you didn't know how to put on and take off safely?"
"Well, um, it's sexy. It's so sheer and soft and it..."
"And apparently it's a deathtrap, too."
"Um, yeah. So are you going to come and save me?"
"If it's a serious enough situation for you to call The Unbelievables, there's no time to waste. Let me try to talk you through it. Now, obviously you would have already tried to tear or cut the fabric and that must not have worked so I'm going to assume the problem is with zippers of clasps or whatever you're working with there. So go ahead and get your acetylene cutting torch. You DO have an acetylene cutting torch, don't you?"
"Mmmmm, sounds hot!"
"Of course it's hot. The initial combustion of the acetylene gas heats steel to a molten state. By adding a pressurized stream of oxygen, the cutter ignites the steel to burn through the kerf of your cut. Honestly, it's like you know nothing about lingerie!"
"Oh. Well, I..."
"Now don't forget heavy leather gloves and safety goggles. You're going to need to be VERY careful because nylon and synthetic blends are REALLY flammable."
"Leather? My girlfriend here has some leather boots."
"Wait... you have someone there with you?"
"Um, there are actually four of us here. Four sexy girls and we all have the same problem."
"Four of you and you can't figure this out? Work together like a team! That's what The Unbelievables would do. Come on!"
"Okay, but are you coming over here or not?"
"Listen, I'm trying to be polite here. The situation is that all the crimes are currently solved and we have nothing to do, which is why I'm monitoring the phones. I'm waiting for somebody to call with something interesting and you're keeping me from that."
"Gotta be kidding me!"
"Don't call back."
(click)

Feeling Disconnected

"Unbelieva-base, Jeff speaking. Or Michael or possibly even Clark. I'm not really at liberty to say. How may we provide you with excellent crime fighting skills and bring the light of righteous justice into your oh so empty and blighted life today?"

"...uhmm..."

"Come on, come on... we're very busy and important, you know."

"Hey, hang on a moment, that isn't a very nice attitude."

"Nice attitude? You're the one calling from an unlisted number. Whaddya want anyway?"

"Well, it's about my neighbour. He told me that a friend of a friend told him that the government has a secret program to install special thought probes into boxes of Kleenex."

"This neighbour of yours... does he seem like a rational, normal person most of the time?"

"Wee-eelll..."

"I thought so. You've been hoodwinked, sir. Duped. Scammed. Lied to. He told you a big fat fib. Now get off the line, we may have more important calls coming in."

"B-but..."

"Thank you! Goodbye!"

"But he also told me that it is estimated that 4 million "junk" telephone calls, phone solicitations by persons or programmed machine are made every day in the United States, and that turned out to be true, so...."

"Puh-leeze get off the line, sir, or we will come to your house and re-program your speed dials and your VCR. And maybe your microwave too. All for wasting our valuable time."

"You wouldn't."

"Oh yes we would."

"You guys actually do that kind of thing? For real?"

"Yeah. I mean, well, we would, if we really had to."

"So you've never actually done it?"

"No, well, I mean, we've thought about doing it a whole lot. And we could, you know. It's just we're so busy and all with the international major crime fighting stuff that we seldom get any spare time. I mean, you wouldn't believe how much time some of these cases take. Like, even a stakeout can take a couple days on average, and a sting can take weeks to plan. We barely get time to sit in the hot tub with some fine ladies (Hello, ladies!!) any more."

"I see..."

"I mean I shouldn't complain really, I guess I have a glamorous job and lots of showbiz friends and ladies on each arm, but you know, it's just... I dunno, sometimes it all seems so pointless."

"..."

"And you know, none of us are getting any younger and sometimes the post-crime fighting massages take a lot longer than they used to, and then there's all the vitamins we have to take, it gets to be such a drag, you know?"

"...*click*..."


"Works every time...."