All-Star Secrets Continued: Yum Yum

"One of the great side benefits of knowing so many of the world's best and brightest (be they entertainers, educators, politicians, economists, astrophysicists ...)"

Yes, learning the quirks of some of these incredible people is pretty fascinating. I, for one, never knew that not only is Barack Obama an "Arrested Development" fan, but that he's very proud of his Lucille Bluth impression...

Not bad, sir.

 But when it comes to the pursuit of epicurean delights, well, that's when you can really pick up on some valuable insights...

Ben Affleck, the actor currently wearing The Dark Guy's cape and cowl, can actually unhinge his jaw in order to wolf down an entire MacWhopper in one bite. Hey, being the vigilante guardian of Gollum City doesn't allow for the luxury of nibbling.

Katie Price, star of being attractive, suffers from a rare condition known as "Narcoleatsy". Food makes her sleepy. She has been known to pitch forward and face-plant into her plate during meals. She once almost drowned in a platter of BBQ Pork Nachos.

"Go ahead, make some more!"

Clint Eastwood, known for his iconic roles as "Dirty Henry" and "Hugh Plains, Drifter" and "Talks To Chairs", does not like being informed that all the jelly donuts are sold out.

"Hey Cameron Craig! Craig! Yeah, you! You suck!"

Oprah Winfrey, who shot to multi-media super-stardom as the star of "The Sally Jessy Raphael Show", is known for eating healthy. Except for once a year when she attends the Gem State Classic Pro Rodeo in Blackfoot, Idaho, that is. Every year, she spends that week binging on corn dogs and heckling cowboys.

Pop diva Britney Spears ("One More Time, Baby" and "Oops, What Did I Do This Time") also has a food-induced sleep disorder. She suffers from SomNomNombulism, otherwise known as sleep-eating. Her tour rider stipulates that she can't stay in any hotels whose pillows resemble cupcakes.

It turns out that Justin Bieber, professional Canadian irritant, is an uncultured savage and a moron. I think that one was self-evident. though.

All-Star Secrets Continued: Who Knew?

Jeff noted on Monday:

"One of the great side benefits of knowing so many of the world's best and brightest (be they entertainers, educators, politicians, economists, astrophysicists ...)"

It's up to you to decide if they are any of these.

One thing is certain, however: They're far from the world's "best and brightest."

Still: Who knew?

 Cameron Diaz

Auditioned for the role of The Joker in The Dark Knight, narrowly lost out to Heath Ledger.
 

 Kevin Bacon

Financed and discovered the whereabouts of The Holy Grail, lost it on a road trip through Death Valley. (Big mistake.)
 

 Kevin Hart

It's a little known secret Kevin used to be afraid of microphones. To overcome his fear, he privately practiced with Kosher hotdogs. As a result of "too much practicing" he was almost booked on the TLC reality show My 600 Pound Life ...
 

Nicki Minaj

Donated half her brain to science back in 2009. It was rejected by the medical community outright. Shortly thereafter she sought a qualified doctor for reimplantment but was convinced by the surgeon "Trust me: You won't be missing anything if we leave well enough alone ..."
 

 Prince Charles

The Future King of England gets around! You'll recall he was featured in Jeff's Monday post edition as well. 

In this instance, Charles is the singular reason Google Glass ultimately failed. Once the public saw him wearing the innovation, its popularity went in the toilet. (Note: He broke four different pairs fiddling with the controls looking for the "evil eye" setting.)
 

 Presidential Candidate Donald Trump

If you ask him nicely, he'll do Finding Nemo impressions. (Note: Dory is his favorite in the Disney film.)
 

Vladimir Putin

Pokémon card collector with impressive nerd credentials. Most prized card in his possession? A pre-release Raichu card, of which only a dozen or so exist world wide.

Again: Who knew ... ???!!?!

All-Star Secrets

One of the great side benefits of knowing so many of the world's best and brightest (be they entertainers, educators, politicians, economists, astrophysicists or what-have-you) is those moments of wonder where you find out something startling and unexpected about somebody famous. Like for example, who knew that UKIP leader and all-round bon vivant Nigel Farage MEP likes to perform as a one-man band on his days off.

Well, now you know.

Here's some more celebrity hidden talents...

Kanye and Kim can actually read!

James Osterberg, aka Iggy Pop, performs his own unique version of Shakespeare's Richard III  whenever the mood strikes. One reviewer said it was "dark and unsettling". 

Charles and Camilla present the weather on Balmoral TV.

Colin Firth is a part-time model.

Drake does a spot-on Obama impression.

Oddly enough, Donald Trump does a spot-on Drake.

And Josh Peck likes to pretend to be Jesus.

For the cake.

Eminem does impressions of goats.

Estelle Getty, rest her soul, was a fitness guru.

And my Aunt Ethel... well, she was the black sheep of the family. We don't speak of her.

Other benefits of running in the same circles as famous peeps will be explored further as the week progresses. Ciao!

It Matters Not

Wednesday Jeff said:

"Michael will be with you on Friday with more tales of danger, toilets (maybe) and other stuff (you never know with Michael, he can be kinda random sometimes)."

Just when and where have I gotten this reputation, I ask in all sincerity?

Look: I shy away from using two words day in and day out and those two words are "always" and "never." But I will state this: There is always a method to my madness. And that goes double for my randomness.

Yes, I'll admit: I can be random at times. But we've all heard the term "what goes around comes around" ... right? I just resemble that remark, is all.

So if you keep that in in the forefront of your mind, we'll get along just fine.

Now, back to business ...

Clark started the week off with "It's not that we'll refuse to offer our services ... it's just that we're going to involve ourselves with actual crimes and credible threats, where innocent people might actually be at risk." And he's right. It's not that we don't care, it's simply we don't care about what restroom someone uses.

It's like the time when we first moved into the Unbelieva-Base way back when. Understand, Nevada is hot and we were helping out the moving staff. It was the first time the locals noticed I wasn't wearing pants which - as you well know - has been a non-issue for years now. Back then? Not so much. But does anyone remember the uproar I caused that day? No. You know why?

Because it just doesn't matter.

(L to R: Clark, me, Jeff)

This photo shows us at Union Square on assignment years ago,

one of the first where I convinced the guys going pantsless

would up our popularity quotient. It was a great move and it worked.

(Side Note: It was Jeff's idea for he and Clark to wear shoe lifts.

"It will bolster our sex appeal" Jeff claimed. He was right on the money.

It took hours just to finish all the autograph and photo requests.)

Remember all those goats at the beginning of last year? No. You know why?

Because it just doesn't matter.

You have to admit: They were mighty cute ...

How about all the complaints and noise and broken glass clean-up from Clark tossing Henri Petit out uncountable windows over the years not to mention all of Petit's protestations? Right, you got it. It just doesn't matter.

Hey ... this happens sometimes. (Hokay ... lots of times. Get over it.)

That parade we held a couple years ago in honor of all the Unbelieva-Babes in our employ, both past and present? Sure, it caused a scene. Traffic up the wazoo. (And, to be fair, we DID work a deal with Stiletto Flats officials about all the trash generated on the streets because we're good guys after all.) But when all was said and done, no one even recalls some of the faux pas that came to pass. All anyone talks about is the fantastic cocktail party we threw post parade back at the Unbelieva-base.

There was a lot of trash to deal with ...

Because, in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't really an issue to begin with ...

... which brings me full circle right back to this toilet use deal:

Seriously, folks: It. Just. Doesn't. Matter.

Or, as The Clarkster said when he put it to bed Monday:

"... adults with a modicum of maturity and self-confidence are remarkably good at handling those circumstances."

And that's the truth, Ruth.

Up Around The U-Bend

HB2, or the "Bathroom Bill" in North Carolina is one of those silly laws (well, not yet - it's just a bill) made up by dumb ol' guys whose views are still firmly entrenched in the olden days when men were men and women did the housework. These people simply do not understand how a human body works and they think that there's something intrinsically dangerous about letting people of differing genders mingle freely in the bathrooms of the world. These are the people who think that being gay is a disorder of some sort, that you can "catch gay" and that gays can be "scared straight" when we all know that it isn't a choice, it just happens. Which is why we are not concerned with the restrooms of N.C.

These people wouldn't know a dangerous loo if they got their heads shoved down one and flushed for 15 minutes. We've seen some bathroom danger in our time, let me tell ya.

Critters in the lav is one of the nasty things that can occur
from time to time. You wouldn't want to see these when heading for a little private time.

*shiver*

Then of course there are toilets that are dangerous even without animals.

Could give one a nasty cut.

Careful not to move about too much in this one.

Then there are the ones that do your head in.

How am I supposed to get to it?

For those of you that want to know how it feels to take a dump on a ski jump.

How am I supposed to sit on this?

Make your own joke here.

Then, there are the rogue toilets. The truly evil crappers. The ones that swallow humans whole.

The best thing to do is to follow some good advice, usually found in any bathroom stall in the world:

Oh, and cat owners... this has to stop.

Michael will be with you on Friday with more tales of danger, toilets (maybe) and other stuff (you never know with Michael, he can be kinda random sometimes).

Potty Problems? We're not interested

There are lots of silly laws on the books. In Arkansas, law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise. In Minnesota, a person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. In Utah, no one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call (otherwise, have at it, young lovers).

"Oh, turn on the siren! Yes, yes! Turn on the siren!"

Generally, we, The Unbelievables, don't get involved in enforcing laws like that or pursuing those who break them. Not because they're not valid ...surely, they make or made sense to someone at some point... but because outside of whatever common sense applied at the time, their stupidity far outweighs their validity. That's why we won't be putting our muscle behind HB2, or the "Bathroom Bill" or the "Nobody Look At Me While I Make Doody Law" in North Carolina. It's not that we'll refuse to offer our services in North Carolina like Bruce Springsteen, Ringo Starr and Blue Man Group (those are separate acts and not performing together, unfortunately).

"Me too! Kinda. Next year. Probably."

It's just that we're going to involve ourselves with actual crimes and credible threats, where innocent people might actually be at risk. We're not going to police who goes pee-pee where or otherwise oppress anybody's rights. At The Unbelievabase, we have lots of restrooms, none of which are labeled. It's because we entertain frequently and beverages are served and when people drink, well, you know. It just makes sense as hospitable hosts to provide facilities for everybody there. As it turns out, adults with a modicum of maturity and self-confidence are remarkably good at handling those circumstances.
Enough about that. Just wanted to let you know that in the highly unlikely case of your Uncle Enos in Ansonville suddenly deciding to put on a frock so he can hang out in outhouses with the hopes of catching an errant glimpse of some hoo-ha's, something he has never done before, we won't be placing the kind of priority on chasing him down as we would an international ring of diamond thieves.

"Don't disparage me. I'm not hurting anyone."

We'll leave that up to the local authorities.

"Well, wouldja looky there!"
"I told you she had an Adam's Apple! I told you!!"