We Know Our Limits

This guy keeps us busier than you can imagine ...

That "Deeply Disappointed" dude from Monday. What a maroon.

I mean, seriously: If you weren't convinced with the likes of Keith Richards and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson being on our list of celebrities we protect (though, as Clark noted, not our primary purpose as a crack, non-government affiliated, multi-jurisdictional, not-for-profit crime & injustice fighting organization) you had to have raised your eyebrows at the fact of our "dealings" with maintaining the health and well being of the actors who have portrayed the seminal Ian Fleming icon James Bond. (And let me tell you: Keeping an eye on Sir Sean Connery ain't no walk in the park. No sirree, Bob ...)

I think the short list (and there are plenty more we could mention) speaks for itself in response to the note "Deeply Disappointed" shot at us. So that bug's been quashed.

But ...

In the unlikely event some of you still might not be convinced we're doing the best we can (and that's pretty great!), let me wow you with not one but two little items we were approached with and, ultimately, turned down.

About a year ago, both the Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump campaigns reached out to The Unbelievables asking for our specialized services. After a brief (and I mean brief) discussion with Jeff and Clark, we three agreed those camps were by no means spectacles any of us wanted to dive into. We were impressed they contacted us for the obvious benefit and value we could provide but working with either of their bases would have been biting off more than we could chew. The reasons we declined should come across as obvious, not the least of which were the logistics of working with them. Talk about your waking nightmare.

Nope, nope and nope.
And it was never a question of picking one over the other. We flat out declined and thanked them for their considerations.

"Truth be told" Jeff told them "Sean Connery is handful enough."

And that's no lie ...

"What ... ?!?"

All-Star Secrets Continued: Who Knew?

Jeff noted on Monday:

"One of the great side benefits of knowing so many of the world's best and brightest (be they entertainers, educators, politicians, economists, astrophysicists ...)"

It's up to you to decide if they are any of these.

One thing is certain, however: They're far from the world's "best and brightest."

Still: Who knew?

 Cameron Diaz

Auditioned for the role of The Joker in The Dark Knight, narrowly lost out to Heath Ledger.
 

 Kevin Bacon

Financed and discovered the whereabouts of The Holy Grail, lost it on a road trip through Death Valley. (Big mistake.)
 

 Kevin Hart

It's a little known secret Kevin used to be afraid of microphones. To overcome his fear, he privately practiced with Kosher hotdogs. As a result of "too much practicing" he was almost booked on the TLC reality show My 600 Pound Life ...
 

Nicki Minaj

Donated half her brain to science back in 2009. It was rejected by the medical community outright. Shortly thereafter she sought a qualified doctor for reimplantment but was convinced by the surgeon "Trust me: You won't be missing anything if we leave well enough alone ..."
 

 Prince Charles

The Future King of England gets around! You'll recall he was featured in Jeff's Monday post edition as well. 

In this instance, Charles is the singular reason Google Glass ultimately failed. Once the public saw him wearing the innovation, its popularity went in the toilet. (Note: He broke four different pairs fiddling with the controls looking for the "evil eye" setting.)
 

 Presidential Candidate Donald Trump

If you ask him nicely, he'll do Finding Nemo impressions. (Note: Dory is his favorite in the Disney film.)
 

Vladimir Putin

Pokémon card collector with impressive nerd credentials. Most prized card in his possession? A pre-release Raichu card, of which only a dozen or so exist world wide.

Again: Who knew ... ???!!?!

Hot Roddin'

The Unbelievabase, sometime yesterday morning. Breakfast is on the table.

MICHAEL: So, any word on Rod and The Conductor?

CLARK: Nada. Zip. Smoke. Nuttin'. Not a peep. Nary a flicker on the radar scope. Not heard a word. No--

JEFF: We get it! I have, however, done some research--

C: Wikipedia, Ask Jeeves, Bing...

J: THANK you, yes, Wikipedia etc., (ahem) and I can safely say that with the combined age of The Conductor, Ryūzō and The Seven Henchmen being approximately 636, depending on whose birth certificates are accurate, Rodders should have comparatively little difficulty escaping their clutches.

M: So... we don't need to worry?

J: No.

C: And the ransom? 

J: Paid.

CLARK,MICHAEL: How?

J: I know it sounds almost impossible to believe, but we have Kip The Mail Boy to thank.

C: Oh come ON! That little snot-nose?! What the--

J: Believe it or not, but all this time working as our mail boy has had a positive effect on Kip. He has learned how to hack computers. 

M: You're putting me on.

C: On what planet exactly?!

J: On this one, mi amigos. I sorta... suggested to Kip that perhaps he could hack into the finances of a very rich, very stupid person and use their money to procure the ransom. After all, being very rich, a transaction like that would be a drop in the bucket. And being very stupid, they wouldn't think to look. 

M,C: Come on though! Rich and stupid, sure, but still a person...

J: Not a good person. Not a nice person. A rich, dumb asshole who deserves to be stolen from. 

M: Oh, an asshole. That makes it alright then.

DOOR KNOCKS.

J: I believe I'll get that.

Jeff opens door to reveal Rod Stewart, alive and well.

ROD: Alright lads?

M, C: Hi Rod! What the heck?!

ROD: Relax, guys. Although I could have easily overpowered Ryūzō and The Seven Henchmen, not to mention The Conductor, the ransom got paid and I just walked out, but not before hiring Ryūzō and The Seven Henchmen to be my staff. They're all great cooks (Pan-Asian Fusion is the best!) and Ryūzō himself is now my chief bodyguard. I had them clean out my attic for old spare bits of railway track, gave that to The Conductor, and then made my way here.

M, C: Wow.

M: That explains that, then. 

C; Yeah, except for one thing. The name of the rich, dumb asshole Kip hacked?

J: (slyly grinning) Oh, I'm sure if you think hard enough, you can come up Trumps.

ALL: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Thank You, Unbelievinar™

Really, we could go on and on and on and on about our successes with celebrity boneheads who - for one reason or another - don't think before they act and commit public buffoonery that ends up irreparably damaging their careers. 

Celebrity-ism is a slippery slope and there are few who can handle it.  And handle it well. But thanks to our patented Unbelievinar™ there's hope for the "hiccup" in some of our favorite tabloid targets' careers.

  "The Unbelievables made sure I don't 'Oops!' and do it again ..."

Britney Spears: Wow. What a mess. Remember the dingy behavior, the head shave debacle and all the rest? Yeah ... that was bad. A real mess.  But, thanks to our patented Unbelievinar™, Brit Brit got right as rain in a relatively short amount of time. She was able to stand up and fly right. Hey ... civilized world? You're welcome.

 "Because of Unbelievinar™ I'm 'PG-13' and loving it ..."

Pee-Wee Herman: McWowZah. How 'bout Paul Reuben's "X marks the spot" fiasco? You know the one I'm talking about, the one with with the "monkey business" ... or should I be a little clearer on the matter of "the monkey" ... ??? (No ... I don't believe I need to be. You catch my meaning loud and clear.) Welp, he's back on the Freedom Train thanks to, yep, the nifty and completely safe and sane Unbelievinar™. Tequila!

"My life is no longer a 'spaghetti incident' thanks to the Unbelievinar™ 

and those rockin' Unbelievables!"

Axl Rose:  Zoinks! Talk about your basket case. Despite our best efforts, Axl hasn't recovered completely. No amount of concentrated Unbelievinar™ could work its magic to fully cure the volatile Mr. Rose. But we continue our efforts with him. Currently Axl participates in a special monthly Unbelievinar™ series where he's a regular participant (along with several other unmentionable and high-profile clients). And we're happy to report he's making wonderful progress. But there's still a lot of work to do.

 "Those Unbelievinars™ single-handedly turned my career iron. I mean ... golden!

Thanks, Unbelievables!"

Robert Downey Jr.: One of our most successful cases and arguably the biggest feather in our crown is RDJ his own bad self. This was a downward spiral no one wanted to take on. But The Unbelievables, stylish gents that we are, were ready to get down and get back up again in order to pull Bob out of his hole. The results (The Avengers, the Iron Man series, The Soloist, Sherlock Holmes, Tropic Thunder, etc.) speak for themselves. You're welcome. You can thank us in other ways. ("Hello, Ladies!")

What's that you say? "Guys ... really.  Those may be some pretty impressive results due to your patented Unbelievinar™ and that's all well and fine, but ... do you have any cultural, possibly historical examples we can marvel at?"

You betcher bippy, Bubba.  While there are some we simply cannot mention, one will definitely make you sit up straighter in your chair. 

Ready? Here goes:

Yep. Believe it. Charlie Chaplin, The Little Tramp himself. The Unbelievables - along with our trademarked Unbelievinar™ - are responsible for the shocking turnabout of Mr. Chaplin's reputation. His spurnment about the war effort during World War I where his loyalty to England was questioned. The damaging controversy regarding fascist propaganda in making light of Hitler in the '40s. The debacle where his House-Un-Activity Council subpoena was involved and his political and moral views were brought to light. And there's more. But ... international community?  As with our final words on Britney Spears above, you're welcome once more.

Did anyone know The Unbelievables were behind these stunning, glowing recoveries? No. Why? Because we're selfless and giving. It's our way. We don't need the praise or the back slaps or the handshakes ... not where these folks are concerned. We're content in our stylish gentlemanships. 

But now the truth is out. You now know The Unbelievables have been instrumental in some of the most celebrated comebacks in the public eye. 

The proof is in the pudding ... courtesy of Unbelievinar™.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~

P. S. Giving as we are, open invitations are still outstanding to the likes of former American Idol host Brian Dunkelman, current Splash co-host Joey Lawrence, money-lending hawker Montel Williams, mega-mogul Donald Trump (goes without saying) and still-in-need-of-a-big-'ole-makeover Margaret Thatcher*.

P.P.S  Ozzy Osbourne?  Give us a jingle, mate.

P.P.P.S.  Oprah Winfrey?  Don't give us a jingle.  An Unbelievinar™ can only go so far ... you know?

Breaking News! Britney will be releasing "Ohh La, La" for Columbia Pictures for The Smurfs 2, the sequel to 2011's The Smurfs starring Neil Patrick Harris. Apparently, The Unbelievables still have some work to do on Brit Brit.

* What? We missed out on Mags? McWhoops! Silly us! We can't catch'em all, you know! We're stylish and unbelievable ... but if our invitations aren't acted upon when we extend our hand of generosity, there's only so much we can do. You have to want the change ... we can't force it on you.